Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

*WARNING*
A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters

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42. 'Is This It?'

a/n at the end of chap, cus I don't like spoilers :)

Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)

 

Chapter 36

"Is This It?"

 

Zayn's P.O.V.

 

I stood at the end of a long aisle, tuxedo on, soft music playing on the piano by Lauren.

It was outside and the place was covered by flowers, red, white, purple and blue. On either side of the aisle were chairs where people sat in bright summer dresses and black or grey suits.

Suddenly the music changed into a very familiar tune, and I looked down the aisle where I saw a girl in a beautiful flowing white dress.

She wore a veil, but it was see-through enough so I could see her gorgeous face and smile as she slowly stepped closer and closer.

When she had almost reached me, and I was about to step forward, someone stepped in front of me, and took her hand guiding her the last few steps.

Wait a minute... this wasn't my wedding!

This was Mag and...

 

I shot up in my bunk, wide eyes, chest pounding.

What the hell was that?

 

We had just left Bradford and were on our way to the next venue. I was currently in my bunk, checking out some new tunes and staying away from everyone in the foul mood, I was in.

I just couldn't forget that blasted dream! The last thing I needed right now was to dream about Mag getting married to someone else.

I still hadn't figured out how to talk to her since she was constantly guarded by Tally or Harry, and I hadn't come up with a plan to make her forgive me either.

 

I was just about to drift to sleep, when Liam appeared,

"C'mon, group meeting!" He announced and I followed him upstairs where everyone was already seated, including her. Sat between Tally and Louis she avoided looking at me, totally ignoring my presence.

I decided to sit on the far end of one of the couches next to Liam, since everyone else was ignoring me or glaring at me.

 

 

"Okay guys, I've gathered you all here to say something important," Liam said and we all focused our attention on him,

 

"These past few months, a lot of things have happened, both good and bad. As a result people have been affected in different ways, and I'm not only talking about recent events. Listen, can someone tell me who we are?"

"One Direction!" Niall offered and Liam rolled his eyes,

"Yeah, but we're also best friends, that was what I meant. And what do we do, that the fans love?"

"Sing!" Niall replied again, and Liam sighed.

"Yes Niall you're right but I meant that we have fun! C'mon guys, we're best friends doing what we love and having a blast, but since the tour started everyone has been moody and grumpy and eventually it will show on stage!

I know some of you blame yourself for all the drama, which is ridiculous. No one can be blamed for anything that has happened! Look, we're all in this together, and I want all of you to think about how you're feeling and for God's sake talk to someone! Too many of you are holding things in, finding other ways to deal with your emotions, but we're all here to help each other. That's the good thing about being in a band. That's what friends are for. We will always have time for each other.

You can talk to me, or each other... Paul or Lou... Or Josh or Sandy, for all I care, any member of the band or crew... Just talk to someone, no matter how big or small you think your problem is."

Liam took turns looking at every single one of us, and it was impossible to avoid his gaze.

"You're right." Harry spoke up,

"This isn't us... A group of angry teens! We have to get our old selves back! And the only way to do that is throwing the weight from our shoulders."

Liam smiled at Harry and I noticed everyone nodding in agreement.

"So, promise me that none of you will be keeping anything in?" Liam finally asked, and everyone was nods and smiles.

 

 

Maybe he was right, but who could I talk to?

Then it hit me. A masterplan, but I needed help, and it was the perfect oppurtunity to talk to someone, but I would have to wait till we arrived.

 

* * *

Maggie's P.O.V.

 

I sat on the couch, not really paying attention to everyone's conversations, when I noticed a pair of eyes staring at me, and I turned to my left.

"What's up?"

He looked at me for a second, and then scooted over to me,

"We're best friends right?" He asked, and I chuckled,

"Yes Louis, we're BFF's!"

"Then let's talk!" He said, and took my hand pulling me to the table, away from the others.

 

"So, I'm just going straight to the point... Are you going to break up with Zayn?" He asked, and I had no idea what to say.

I loved Zayn, but he kept on doing things that fed my mistrust, and I didn't know if I could go on like this. But it was hard to imagine not being with him.

"I don't know Lou, I think I at least have to hear him out first, I do owe him that much." I replied, and Louis furrowed his eyebrows,

"You don't owe him anything Mag. If you really feel you should talk to him, fine but if not then what's the point?"

I looked down at my hands. I did want to talk to Zayn, I really did, but I was just worried what he would say. If he didn't have a good explanation then...

"But that's not all, I wanna talk about." Louis said, grabbing my attention again, and I looked at him confused.

"Why would you go home?" He asked looking at me seriously, and my heart sank at the thought.

"Because, if I do break up with Zayn, what's the point of me being here?" I said frowning, and Louis tilted my chin up.

"Maggie. You're not here for Zayn. You're here for all of us. Every single one of us want you here, not just Zayn, you're friends with everyone, not just Zayn's girlfriend, and you're part of us now. The tour wouldn't be complete without you... And I, for one, would miss you like... More than I can try to explain."

A slight smile formed on my lips but I was far from convinced.

"Louis... I don't deserve to be here. I'm trouble. I know Liam said that no one can be blamed and all that, but let's face the facts. All the problems happened since you guys met me. I don't belong in this world. I'm just a burden on all of you."

"You're only telling yourself that, because of how you feel right now, and I've been there. Trust me. I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it's like to wait for everyone to be asleep, so you can fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad, you just want it all to end. I know exactly how it feels. Let me show you something."

Louis took out his phone and started tapping,

"I took this picture last night, because I wanted to show you how bad it can get... And I had to take a picture, cause... Well, you'll understand why I couldn't just show you." He said, handing me his phone and I was so confused.

I took the phone, and my eyes widened in shock. I looked from his phone to his leg a couple times and my hand flew up to my mouth.

"Louis... Is this... It that... Your leg?"

He simply nodded, looking me dead in the eye.

"But... Why?" I asked, handing him his phone back.

"Like I said, I know how it feels. You feel useless, like everything bad happens because of you. Like you don't deserve anything, except being miserable and in pain... But you know how I get through it?"

I shook my head, starting to realize what he meant,

"You guys. No matter why one feels like this, whether it's heartbreak or losing someone or whatever, there is always someone who loves you. You have to remember that no matter what shit you go through, you have your family and, the next-best thing, your friends who love you, care about you and who want what's best for you. Who want to see you happy. And to be honest with you Mag, whether you break up with Zayn or not, we will always be here for you, I will always be here, because I know how much difference one person can make, when you're so low you just want to give up. You can't just give up and leave, cause we're your home now, this is exactly where you belong, and I don't what you to ever think otherwise."

 

Every word he said sounded so sincere, and left me completely speechless.

What was I thinking?

Leaving these guys, who had done so much for me, who were the best friends you could wish for. I had gotten so close to them, they were like family, they were my home just like he said.

Maybe Liam was right. Maybe none of the problems were my fault, maybe everything happened for a reason that had nothing to do with me.

I had to stop overreacting on every little issue, and focus on solving the issue at hand, instead of overthinking and overanalyzing everything.

 

 

"Thank you Louis. For everything." I said pulling him in for a warm hug, which he returned, and I wiped a few tears from my eyes, that I hadn't noticed slip.

They weren't sad tears, but I couldn't exactly call them happy tears either. I guess it was all my emotions flowing over.

 

I knew one thing for sure. I had to talk to Zayn.

 

* * *

Zayn's P.O.V.

I was walking around backstage looking for the band. We only had one hour before soundcheck, and I had to sort this out with them.

Finally I saw Josh and I ran up to him,

"Hey Josh, listen I need you guys to do me a favor, where are the others?"

Josh led me to a room where Sandy, Dan and Jon were all sitting and chatting.

"Boys, listen I need your help!" I said and they all tuned in as I told them everything that had happened and about my plan.

 

"Do the others know about this?" Sandy asked, sceptically.

"Well, no..." I replied drifting off and they all frowned.

"Guys... I'm really desperate right now. I love her so much, and I just can't let her go without a fight, but I need your help... I'd do anything to get her back. The boys don't know anything, but they'll get over it... Management... Well, that's another story. The thing is can you guys even do this?" I asked, and Josh smirked,

"Of course we can do it. It's not complicated and we've all heard the song before now, thanks to Louis. We're just not sure if it's a good idea."

I sighed deeply, and rested my forehead in my palms.

"Please?" I said, and I don't know if it was the tone in my voice or the look in my eyes but they all looked at me with softened expressions.

"You really do love her." Dan said as more of a statement, than a question and they all looked at each other.

"Alright." Josh finally said, "when the guys go off stage, you'll give Jon the signal and you know when to come in right?" He looked at Jon, who nodded and then turned back to me,

"We'll do it... The other part of your plan doesn't really need much thinking, so... I hope it works out for you."

I smiled slightly, happy that they would help me, but worried about the consequences.

"Thanks a lot guys! This means... So much... I think it's about time for soundcheck, we better get going!" I exclaimed, looking at my watch and they all did the same.

"Let's do this!" Josh exclaimed twirling his drumsticks and we all rushed towards the stage.

 

I knew, I wouldn't be able to rehearse for my plan, and even though I trusted the boys' amazing skills, I was pretty damn nervous. Worst case scenario, my mic would be turned off, or they would shut down the sound altogether, and that couldn't happen. It had to be perfect!

 

* * *

 

Maggie's P.O.V.

I hadn't talked to Zayn, since last night, and now they were about to go on stage, and it felt so weird. Since the tour had started, I would always wish him luck and give him a kiss before a gig, but we weren't even talking... Well, I wasn't talking, but I would after the concert, and I knew exactly what I would say and what I wanted to ask. I really did love him, and I had pretty much made up my mind, but talking to him was inevitable.

 

"Hey, you holding up?" I felt a hand touch my shoulder, and turned to see Harry's green eyes looking intensely at me.

"Yeah... You should just focus on pleasing that crowd, I'll be fine." I replied with a far-from convincing smile.

"Well you know who to go to, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on." He said with a half smile, and I nodded wishing him luck, before all the boys came rushing towards the stage.

This wasn't right. I had to say something before he went on.

"Zayn!" I called right before he went on, and he turned to look at me like he didn't quite believe his ears.

"We'll talk after the show!" I said, and a smile appeared on his face.

The type of smile that you had, when you didn't quite allow yourself to smile fully, because you didn't want to be too sure of yourself.

He stood looking at me for a while, his beautiful eyes locking on mine until Louis grabbed him,

"Mate! C'mon showtime!"

And they ran onto stage.

 

* * *

 

The show was really great. Tally and I stood close to the stage looking on, and they were amazing tonight. The energy in the whole place was insane, and despite the recent drama, it didn't show at all. They were all having fun, making jokes and it reminded me of how it always used to be before all the problems started.

I knew what song was coming next, and I really liked this song. It was one of my favorites from Take Me Home, and I moved a little closer to the stage, so I could see all the boys properly.

The tunes started playing and I focused on Liam who would start, but suddenly something weird happened, and I heard a totally different voice. Zayn's.

 

"

Baby I, I wanna know

What you think, when you're alone

Is it me, yeah

Are you thinking of me, yeah

"

Apparently all the boys were just as confused as I was, judging by the look on their faces, but they quickly regained their cool and played along as he continued to sing Liam's part.

 

"We've been friends now for a while

I wanna know that when you smile

Is it me yeah

Are you thinking of me, yeah?"

 

And just as I had expected, he went on to sing Harry's part too, and Curly didn't even try to start.

 

"

Girl, what would you do

Would you wanna stay

If I were to saay"

 

Just as I thought, he would take it all himself, all the boys joined in the chorus, and they really looked like they had planned this whole thing, but I knew better. Zayn had planned this himself, and it made me even more sure, by the way he looked right at me during the chorus,

 

"

I wanna be last yeah

Baby let me be your

Let me be your last first kiss

I wanna be first yeah

Wanna be the first to

Take you all the way like this

And if you

Only knew

I wanna be last yeah

Baby let me be your last

Your last first kiss"

 

I noticed the boys looking at Zayn, wondering if he would continue, and sure enough he went on with Niall and Louis' part,

 

"Baby tell me what to change

I'm afraid you'll run away

If I tell you

What I wanted to tell you

 

Baby, I don't wanna wait

I know this isn't a mistake

But I'm a fool yeah

Baby I'm a just a fool yeah"

 

"That isn't how it usually goes is it?" Tally suddenly asked, referring to Louis' part, and I just shook my head, unable to speak or move.

The rest of the song continued, Zayn taking the solos and the boys joining on the chorus, all the time he kept glancing at me with a look in his eyes so fierce, I could feel it burn my soul.

 

"Looks like someone wants you back... Forever." Tally said, when the song had ended, and I avoided her gaze.

"What do you mean?" I asked with a small voice, twidling my thumbs.

"Oh c'mon Mag. Last First Kiss. That is like the One Direction proposal song!"

"Don't be foolish Tally! Zayn is not proposing to me!" I replied at her ridiculous statement.

Zayn proposing to me, hah!

"Whatever you say, Mag... But do you know what you're going to do?" She asked, and I bit my lip.

"I'm pretty sure, yeah... I just want him to explain a few things."

"Well he better explain!" Tally almost shouted,

"I still can't believe what he did! But just follow your heart. That's the main key."

I simply nodded in reply, and watched the rest of the show, unable to get that song out of my head.

 

* * *

 

It was the end of the show, and the boys were saying thank yous as my nerves started to build up. This was it.

The crowd was clapping and cheering as crazy, and I peeked out as they started to run off stage, but then something unexpected happened. Zayn didn't move from his spot, instead he looked back at me, and then faced the crowd again.

"I just wanna take the time, to dedicate this song to a person very special to me. I know I screwed up, but this comes from my heart."

The crowd was murmuring and I could see the front row looking very curious and confused.

The other boys had already gone off stage and apparently they didn't know about this either.

What was going on?

 

I watched, as Zayn nodded at Jon on keys, and then he started to sing. A song I knew very well and loved, with a voice as sweet as honey.

 

"

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you,

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you”

 

At the last note of the song he looked right at me, clutching his chest where his heart was, and then after a quick thank you and thunderous applaus from the crowd, he came running off stage, and stopped right in front of me.

His eyes were burning me, and I stood completely numb and speechless. I didn't know what to do, say or even think anymore.

I still loved him, of course I did, but I wasn't sure of his feelings. Of course the song changed my perception a bit, but anybody could sing a song, or say a bunch of words. It was bringing those words to life that mattered, and his actions lately hadn't exactly screemed out that he really loved me and believed in our relationship.

Damn it, why did he have to do this and make my decision a hundred times harder?

 

* * *

Zayn's P.O.V.

I stopped in front of Mag, who looked at me with a questioning expression.

I had no idea, what to make of it but I had never been more nervous in my life.

Maybe except when we were at Judge's Houses.

Right as I was about to open my mouth, another face appeared, seperating me and Mag.

"What the hell was that?"

"A song Harry, what did it sound like?" I fired back, wishing he would just go away.

"Don't give me that attitude. Why did you think it would be okay to do something like that, without at least telling the rest of us?" He asked, and I rolled my eyes.

"Because you wouldn't have allowed it and would have talked me out of it."

"Well yeah, Zayn this isn't a talent show or something. We don't decide what to sing. We have a set list, and we don't just add songs!" Harry spoke in his usual slow voice, but I could tell by his tone that he was truly upset, but I had expected that.

Before I could say anything, my phone started buzzing and I pulled it out of my pocket checking the caller ID.

Stupid management!

"They're even faster than usual." I muttered, and Harry looked at my phone, before glaring at me and walking away.

"Just a sec." I said to Mag quickly, who still hadn't moved or spoken, and picked up my phone,

"Yes?"

"Zayn. That was quite a stunt you pulled right before. Care to explain?"

I sighed deeply before thinking of a reply,

"I had an argument with my girlfriend, and that song was sort of my apology."

No need to lie.

"Well at least you're honest. Listen, you guys can't just go around singing songs you feel like, you are aware of this?"

"Of course." I replied, wanting to get this over with.

"It is totally unacceptable."

"Yes, I know and I'm sorry but..."

"Fortunately, according to everyone else, the audience loved it, and we know you're smart enough to never do it again."

Wow were they really letting it go?

"Yes of course, I'll never do it again." I said relieved that there wouldn't be some sort of punishment.

"Damn right you won't. Consider this a warning Zayn!"

And with that he hung up.

Wow, that was lucky.

Now I just had to face another judge.

"Zayn, we need to talk." Mag said, as I put my phone away, and I followed her into an empty room.

 

 

"Can I start?" I asked, as Mag and I sat on a couch in complete silence.

"Go ahead." She said simply, and I took a deep breath before I started,

"I know I made a mistake, a very stupid mistake, and to be honest I don't think anyone is more upset with me than myself.

I should probably have told her, but I guess since her and I were never really more than friends, I thought it would sort of be unnecessary."

I knew it was a lousy explanation, but it was all I had.

"Aha, but don't you usually tell your friends when you're in a relationship anyways?" She asked, and I opened my mouth, but then realized that I didn't know what to say, so she went on,

"Zayn, I love you, I really do. But you can see how this whole situation looks from my point of view?"

"Yes I know. Look I am terribly sorry, and there really is no excuse for what I did, and I am not going to try and justify it either.

But I really do love you. I have never had such strong feelings for a girl my whole life, and I meant every single word I said in that song. Without you, I wouldn't know what to do. You're my life now, and I can't bear to lose you. Can't you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

Mag looked at me for a very long time, and my heart was pounding so hard against my chest, I feared it would take a leap for freedom any second.

 

Finally she spoke,

 

"Of course I can forgive you Zayn, and you have to know that I truly love you... Which is why, I have to let you go."

And with that my whole world fell apart.

"Listen Zayn... As much as I love you, I'm having a hard time believing in our relationship as it is, and ever since I told you about my trust issues, you haven't really done much to change that, actually it's been the opposite. Trust is very important to me, and you broke that trust. I can forgive what you did, but I can't forget and from where I see the fact that you didn't tell her, the way you talked to her, the fact that you lied to me... It's all too much. I'm sorry Zayn, believe me I really am, but I just can't go on. I can't."

Mag started to softly cry, whearas I just sat there.

Actually I was trying really hard to cry, cause every tear was just one more reminder that I didn't know how to let her go.

This couldn't be it, I wasn't losing her!

"No... No, this can't be over!" I said holding back the tears, so much that it almost hurt.

"Look Zayn, I'm not happy about this and I really wish we could make it work. But I just don't see or feel it anymore, and there's nothing you can say to change my mind, at least not at the moment. I... I've made up my mind... I-I'm sorry."

She rushed out of the room crying, and left me there.

Completely broken and empty.

 

 

A/N

Some of them will break apart

Soo.. Zag is over!!! I put the “hint” here at the end, cus I didn’t want to spoil anything, and the song he sang is Take That’s Rule The World, I loooove that song! Anyways, I hope you’re not too upset but this is just how it had to go at this point and you never know.. maybe they’ll reunite maybe not..

Anyways, pleeease remember to comment!!!

Update again in about a week, maybe before..

LOVE YOU LOTS!! xx

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