Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

*WARNING*
A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters

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25. 'Here We Go Again'

A/N

pls comment!! I'd love to hear what you think, good or bad! :)

 

 

Chapter 20

”Here We Go Again”

Maggie's P.O.V.

I left Zayn in bed, as I decided to go to the only person I could talk to, about everything. Harry. I walked down the hall to his single suite, and knocked on the door. 1 minute later Harry opened the door, looking confused.

"Mag, what are you doing here? Why aren't you with Zayn?" He asked worried, letting me in.

"Can I crash on your couch tonight?" I asked, already collapsing on it.

"Yeah of course, you want some tea, I can call roomservice?" He offered, but I just shook my head. There were some things tea couldn't solve.

"So are you gonna tell me, what's wrong? As your big brother, I have the right to know." He said with a smirk, but even that couldn't make me smile right now.

"Well... Today Niall and I talked to Tally, and she said that her and El met Perrie, and apparently Perrie wants Zayn back, which is not a big deal itself... But when Zayn was out, he left his phone, and Perrie called, and I don't understand, why he has her number on his phone now, because he told me that he had deleted it after they broke up. So do you think I'm just being a dramaqueen?"

Harry looked at me thoughtfully, and sat down next to me,

"I would say you love him so much, that you're afraid of losing him, and that triggers you to make a big deal out of something that isn't so bad."

"Do you really think that's all it is?" I asked, thinking of the other option, I had created in my head.

"It could be, but it sounds like you've been thinking of something else?" He said, looking at me intensely, and I explained what I had been thinking of all day,

"The thing is, well there's two things actually, but the first thing is, Zayn and I have been together, for two weeks, right? And in that little time, we have had two arguments, or disagreements, and it could just be me overreacting, but here's the other thing. I've been with you guys almost two months, and in that time, there's been the stalker, I've created drama between you and Louis, you and Lou were kidnapped, the tour is being delayed, and Louis got stabbed! It's been nothing but drama!

Me and Zayn both thought it was fate that brought us together. Well maybe, all this drama and me overreacting, is fates way of saying that this wasn't supposed to happen. Maybe I wasn't supposed to meet you guys, and maybe Zayn and I weren't meant to be together. I've been nothing but trouble and the whole band was better off without me."

There, I finally said it.

Harry looked at me, and I never knew he could look that serious and thoughtful. For a couple minutes he just stared at me, before finally speaking,

"First of all Georgina was there before we met you, and you helped identify her. Secondly, you can't blame any of that on yourself! Me and Lou had issues before you came, and if he had still truly loved me, he wouldn't have fallen in love with you. The whole thing with the kidnapping, the tour and stabbing is not your fault! You say we would all be better off without you, well let me tell you something.

I was the one who found out about Perrie, and I will never forget the look on Zayn's face when I told him. He was broken. But since he met you, it's like that shiny Zayn-light is back on, and he's truly happy again, thanks to you! Then there's Niall. You know we usually consider him the baby of the group, and I can see the way you act and talk with him, that you really care about him, and will always protect him. You helped him out with Tally, and they're getting really close now! And even though you and Liam aren't that close, I can tell that he's happy to have you here, because you have an impact on all of us. You're Zayn's girlfriend who makes him happy.

You're Niall's big sister and protector. You're Louis' best friend, and I know he doesn't want to lose that friendship and you're the baby sister I've always wanted, and I don't want to see you sad like this! So before you go on about being bad for us, look at all the good things you've done, by just being you."

I don't know if it was what Harry said, or everything that had been happening lately, but my emotions got the best of me, and I just burst out in tears, there on Harry's couch.

"Hey, don't cry, I didn't mean to upset you." Harry said calmly, rubbing my back.

"No... It's not you... I'm such an idiot. I got so upset with Zayn about Perrie's number, and it's so stupid!" I managed to get out in between sobs.

"Hmm... Let me tell you a story, "Harry said, and I looked up at him curiously, as he started,

"There once was a girl, who had a boyfriend. The best boyfriend, you could imagine, and she was a very sweet girl. They were together for a long time, and they were very much in love, but there was one problem. This boy was a... a famous football player, and many girls adored him, and with time his girlfriend got insecure. She started to worry, that he might leave, or find someone better, but she never told him how she felt. Instead she decided that for her not to get hurt, she would do something, before he did... So she cheated on him. That was how she dealt with her insecurity, and of course when he found out, they broke up. That's a story of how bad insecurity can go, when you keep it in."

I had a feeling, that this was a true story, but I stayed quiet, as he continued,

"Now there's another story, of another two people. Let's name them Hannah and Luke. They were very good friends, and in a sort of relationship. And these two were also very popular with other people, so Hannah was also very insecure at some times. There were many reasons for this insecurity, but anyways he... she could be very insecure, that Luke would find someone else, without complications. But instead of doing something stupid, she dealt with it, and every time she got these bad feelings, she would talk to Luke, and solve it.

So as you see there are two ways to deal with insecurity, and you just have to figure out, if you wanna be Hannah, or the other girl!"

"I would never cheat on Zayn!" I exclaimed, disgusted by the thought.

"I know you would never do that! I mean you have to decide if you wanna talk to him about it, or overanalyze everything and hold it inside, until it eats you up."

What Harry said really got to me, and I wished I had talked to him before I exploded on Zayn, but... well he hadn't really been around all day.

"Thanks Harry, for always being here for me. I really hope you and... Luke work everything out!" I said, and winked at him. He just smiled, probably knowing that I would figure out, who he was talking about.

"So do you want to go talk to Zayn? I mean, you're still welcome to stay here, and talk to him tomorrow." Harry asked, and I decided to stay with Harry for the night and deal with Zayn till tomorrow.

I made a bed for myself on the couch, while Harry was in the shower, and he joined me, when he came out to talk for a while, before going to sleep.

"It's already 11 PM, what time do we have to be up tomorrow?" I asked, munching on a candybar from the minibar.

"Well, I have to be at the police station at 10, and a couple officers are going to talk with Lou at the hospital, but I'm not allowed to visit him until after they've talked to him. Then we have another press conference at 12.30, and after that I'm going straight over to Lou!"

"So we should be up at like 8 right?" I asked, and Harry nodded.

"So... How are things going with you two?" I asked, and Harry let out a deep sigh,

"I don't really know Mag. He says he still loves me, but he's not ready for anything yet, and I totally respect that but... I'm just not sure if he ever will be ready, for us to go public, or even have a real relationship. It's been three years, and he kept on saying, that one day we would make Larry real, but it just seems like empty promises, and I don't want to get my hopes up."

I felt so bad for Harry. He really loved Louis deeply, and I could just hear the hurt in his voice.

"Why do you think he's never going to be ready for anything serious?"

"Well, Lou actually never liked the Larry thing, because he doesn't want to be labeled gay. It's not like he's homophobic, he totally supports gay rights and stuff, but it's just not him. The only guy he's felt like this with is me, and he also fell for you, so he probably isn't gay, he just fell in love with a guy. He just feels like if we go public, people will see him differently, but he will still be the same guy." Harry's reply, wasn't much of a shock for me, but it wasn't a proper answer either,

"Okay, but I didn't ask why he didn't want to go public. I actually meant why he didn't want to have an actual relationship with you, like even in private." I pointed out, trying to look him in the eyes for an answer, but he avoided my gaze.

"I can't answer that, only Lou knows. But it's been so long with promises and nothing happening, that I feel nothing ever will happen, but I don't know why. If he really loves me, he would want to be with me, wouldn't he?" Finally Harry looked at me, and I could see, why he had avoided it so far. He was crying.

"Harry... Why don't you ask him? Like just straight to the point, ask him why he doesn't want to be with you?" I suggested, but he just shook his head, and rubbed his eyes,

"No I can't do that, I promised to give him time... Let's just sleep, it's getting late." He replied, and I decided to not push him any further.

* * *

Harry's P.O.V.

** Flashback **

“Surprise!”

"Louis, what is this?" I asked, as I opened the door, and saw Lou standing with 24 roses and a huge grin.

"Have you forgot what day it is? Exactly 24 months ago since we met!" He replied embracing me, "is it to geeky?" He asked handing me the roses and I just shook my head, kissing him on the cheek.

"What are you listening to?" He asked, taking the ear buds hanging by my neck, and listening for a couple seconds before taking the phone in my hand and turning off the music.

"What did you do that for?" I asked going to the kitchen, to find a vase.

"Stop listening to my old cover songs, I hate my voice on tape!" He replied, and I just shook my head; Lou had the most beautiful voice.

"Well I love your voice on and off tape. I love everything about you. You're perfect, and I'll make a song to prove it!" I said smiling at him, and placed the roses in my bedroom.

"Then I'll make a song about how you always talk in your sleep, while I just listen to you."

I looked at Lou with a weird expression,

"That's just scary Lou. I didn't know my boyfriend was such a freak!" I said joking, but Louis' smile faded, and I realized what I had just said.

"Sorry about that, I know you're not my boyfriend." I said with a tiny bit of resentment.

"Don't be sorry Harry, I'm just not ready for that yet." Louis replied, caressing my cheek.

"Even though you're not my boyfriend, I still love you." I said, looking him deep in the eyes.

"I love you too. Don't worry... One day baby." He said smiling, and gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

"That song is actually a good idea, too bad they would never let us do it." Louis said, jumping on the couch and motioning me to join him.

"Do what?"

"You know, make a song about the things we love about each other." He replied, laying down with his head on my lap.

"Well, what if we don't make it just about us?" I suggested, and he looked at me curiously,

"Well we'll write a song, each of us with a solo, and it will be about loving someone and everything about them, including those little things they hate about themselves. It won't be for a specific person, but for everyone. That would be really good for the fans, because it will teach them that they're all perfect, even though they don't think so. But of course we can use someone as an inspiration when we write it."

"So... I guess Niall's inspiration will be food?" Lou said jokingly, looking up at me with the cutest smile, and I replied with a kiss.

"I love all YOUR little things Harry."

** End of flashback **

"Harry? We're here now." Maggie said from the seat next to me, and I looked out, noticing we were at the police station.

Mag had come with me, because when we got up, the other boys were just about to leave to the hospital. They had to talk to Louis about the press conference, after he had talked to the police, but I wouldn't see him until after the press conference, and then the band would be joining us, so they also could visit Lou.

We got out of the car, and I headed for the entrance, but Mag stopped me,

"Hey! Are you okay?" She asked, with a look of concern.

"I just want to get this over with." I said with a sigh, to which she nodded and followed me inside.

Talking with the police wasn't so bad, I just had to tell them what happened. They asked me if I knew the two girls, and I told them about Georgina Sparks, their cousin.

There would be a court trial in one week, which me and Lou would have to attend, and then when Lou got better, we could resume the tour. Hopefully there would be no more drama.

"So are you going to talk to Zayn today?" I asked Mag, as we headed to the press conference.

"Actually I want to make a deal with you." She replied smiling and I nodded for her to go on,

"I will talk to Zayn today if... You also talk to Louis!"

I should have expected something like this from her.

"But me and Lou aren't in the same situation as you guys!" I protested, "you and Zayn are in a relationship, and you have to work things out."

"Yeah... I guess." She said quietly and turned to look out the window.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked worried.

"I've just been thinking lately about things. You know what we talked about last night, with fate and everything. Even if we put that aside... I obviously don't trust him, or else I wouldn't have got upset about Perrie's stupid number. It's just a number!"

"Like I said, it's all your insecurity. That's why you have to talk to him... You know, like Hannah and Luke." I replied with a slight smile, but she just rolled her eyes,

"Yeah and look at them now."

Ouch!

Apparently Mag saw my face expression, and was about to apologize, but I cut her off,

"You're right. I shouldn't be using my fucked up relationship as an example... I'm sure you'll come up with something much better on your own!" I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but what she said hurt me. Now it was her turn to look shocked, and I was about to say something, but the car had stopped, and she quickly got out.

* * *

Zayn's P.O.V.

I hadn't talked to Mag since last night, and I had only seen her shortly, when we went to tell Harry, that we were leaving this morning. I had to talk to her, as soon as the press conference was over. I just hoped that she would hear me out. Harry was already at the place where we would be holding the press conference, but Mag wasn't with him.

"Hey mate, where's Mag?" I asked, as I approached him.

"I don't know, she ran out of the car before me."

"Why would she do that?" I asked slightly confused.

"Why don't you find her and ask her?" He replied rather angrily, though I had no idea why. He was obviously in a foul mood, and didn't want to talk, so I left him to find my girlfriend. If she still was my girlfriend.

The press conference started in five minutes, and I knew she would show up, when we had to leave afterwards, but I really wanted to find her now. Eventually I had to go to the toilet, and just as I was going to step in the men's room, Mag came out of the lady's room, wiping her eyes.

She didn't notice me at first, but when she did, she got startled, and almost fell over, causing me to grab a hold of her.

"Babe... Are you okay? Were you crying?" I asked, looking her in the eyes, as I held her shoulders.

"No it's fine... Harry and I just got a little upset, and said some stupid things." She replied, releasing herself from my grip. I couldn't really tell, if she was still mad at me. I had to tell her, why I had Perrie's number.

"Mag, we need to..." I started, but was interrupted by Paul,

"Zayn! Come on, you guys are on."

I groaned,

"We'll talk later." I assured her, and ran over to the others.

* * *

"So all the dates will be postponed for a month. The first concert we cancelled, was set for the 6th, and will be the 6th of next month and so on." Liam finished off, and then the questions started.

"Is it true that Louis was brought to the hospital yesterday?" One reporter asked.

"Yes, he is in the hospital at that moment, but that subject will not be discussed any further. We would like people to respect his privacy." I replied, hoping we would be done soon.

I looked at Mag, standing in the back, with a sad expression.

"What about sources that say the police were involved, and saw Harry at the station this morning?" Another asked, and Harry came out from his daze, and addressed the whole room with a loud clear voice,

"I was at the station for personal reasons, and we will not answer any questions that aren't directly related to the tour."

He was obviously in a irritable mood, and we all noticed, so Liam took the cue to wrap this up,

"One more question... Yes in the back?"

"Some final words on the tour for your fans?"

"We are sorry about the circumstances, that have caused this delay, but we have some great fans, that will always be supportive, and we're looking forward to seeing you all, just a little later then planned, and we have a surprise for all of you at the concerts." Niall finished, and we could finally leave.

All we had left was the court trial next week, and then we just had to wait for Louis to recover.

We all left for the hospital, but we couldn't all go in to Louis at once, and since Josh and the rest of the band, had just arrived, they went to see him first with Liam.

Harry, Niall, Mag and i were in the waiting room, but I had to talk to her in private.

"Ba... um... Mag, can we just go out and talk?" I asked her carefully, no idea how she would react, but luckily, she just nodded, and got up to leave the room.

We stood in the almost deserted hallway, and I just looked at her, observing, for a minute before I said anything,

"I'm really sorry. I should have deleted her number, when I met you." I said taking her hand in mine.

"I just want to know why you have it, if you deleted it before." She replied, eyes glued to the floor.

I had to tell her everything. I just hoped she wouldn't run off, after the first sentence,

"Well about a week before I met you... Perrie and I met up."

* * *

Louis' P.O.V.

"See you later guys, it was great. Don't worry, I'll be out of here sassing around again in no time." I said to Liam and the boys as they left the room.

I knew Harry and the others were also coming in, but the pain today was bad, so I rang the bell for the nurse, and she entered just before Harry and Niall.

What about Mag and Zayn? I hadn't even seen Zayn, since at the apartment.

"How is the pain today Mr. Tomlinson?" Nurse Jenna asked, checking my drop.

"I told you, call me Louis, or even Tommo, just not Mr. Tomlinson, I feel so old. I feel awful today." I replied, but managed to smile at Niall and Harry.

"Hmm... This should help," Nurse Jenna said, doing something with my drop, "and I'll check on you in an hour Mr... I mean Louis." I smiled at her politely, as she left the room, and I started to feel a little bit better.

"Where are Mag and Zayn?" I asked Harry, as he and Niall sat on either side of the bed.

"They had to talk about some stuff. So you're in a lot of pain today?" Harry asked, looking worried, and touching my arm.

"Yeah, but it's better now, so how did everything go with the press conference?"

* * *

For a while, we talked about everything going on with the tour, until Harry said he wanted to talk to me alone.

"Sure buddy, see ya later Louis!" Niall said cheerfully, and left us alone.

"Lou, we really need to talk." Harry said seriously, and I could see he was very frustrated.

"Okaay... But you know I can't say anything about us, until I'm completely over Mag." I replied, confused why he would bring it up. I had just told him yesterday, that he had to wait.

"No Lou, I just have to ask you something. Why did you never want to be in a relationship with me?" Harry asked confidently. This was different from the normally nervous Harry, when we discussed things about "us".

"I told you Harry, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with a guy, even though I loved you." I answered slightly annoyed. We had talked about this so many times.

"For 3 years? Really Lou? I mean we did all the things people in a relationship would do, so why is it such a big deal to call you my boyfriend? It's not like we had to go public!" Harry said pacing back and forth, and gave no time to reply, as he continued,

"When you love someone and they love you back, usually you would take it to the next level, seriously Lou, we took it all the way! The only thing we didn't do was call each other boyfriend..."

"So what is the problem Harry?" I interrupted him, "you said it yourself, we did everything people in a relationship do! Why is it so important to call me your boyfriend? It's just a stupid label!"

"It's security Lou!" He yelled at me, "people can act like a couple together, but when you're out there, you're single, and there's nothing stopping you from snogging some hot girl in a club, or guy whatever!"

"So you don't trust me?" I said, slightly offended, "even when I say I love you, you still think I'm gonna go loose all over town? Well then I'm sorry Harry, cause all I can give you at the moment is my word, and if that's not good enough then we should end whatever we have right now."

It broke my heart to say what I did but I had no choice. Harry clearly didn't trust me, and I couldn't give him what he wanted. It was better to end it like this, then telling him the real reason.

Harry stood, staring at me, mouth open and the look in his eyes burned my very soul.

"You want to... to e-end th-things?" And like that the sensitive Harry was back, and made me feel like shit, for doing this to him.

"To be honest Harry there isn't much to end at the moment. I told you Harry, I can't commit myself until I'm over Mag. But if you don't even trust me, why should we even... You do know that trust is fundamental in a relationship right? So how can you go on about a stupid word, when you can't even live up to the important things?"

Harry sat down in the chair furthest away from my bed, so I couldn't see him, but I soon heard the sobbing.

"Harry..."

I hated seeing, or hearing him crying. For God's sake, he was still my best friend, and I still loved him.

"Are you still in love with me Lou? I don't mean love, I mean in love?"

Harry took me by surprise. It wasn't his voice that sounded so vulnerable, that it hurt my heart, but I hadn't been expecting that question. I had avoided exactly that question, by constantly assuring him, that I still loved him. I knew, I wouldn't be able to lie to him.

"Harry, when people love each other, they eventually fall out of love..."

I didn't finish my sentence, as I saw Harry stand up and walk out the door, without looking at me. He didn't even slam the door, and I knew he wasn't angry or upset. He was broken.

Zayn's P.O.V.

"You met with Perrie?" Mag asked in surprise.

"Promise that you will hear me out okay?" I asked, and she nodded.

"Well about a weak before I met you, I ran into her, and she begged me to talk to her, just for five minutes, so we went to a café. She told me about how she missed me, and it was a mistake, and you know all that stuff, but I didn't have feelings for her anymore. She asked me to just think about it, and I told her there was nothing to think about, but she somehow made me promise to reconsider and saved her number on my phone, but I never had any intentions of calling her. I know, I probably should have deleted her number right now, but I never really gave it a thought, and then I met you, and she vanished from my mind completely. I should have told you about that meeting before, but it never really crossed my mind, I'm sorry."

Mag looked at me, studying my face as I spoke, and when I finished she had a slight smile on her face.

"You don't have to be sorry Zayn. It was me, I overreacted and I should have heard you out, I'm sorry."

"So are we all good?" I asked holding both her hands and stepping closer, so she had her back towards the wall, but her smile faded.

"Um not quite," she said avoiding eye contact, "I... I have some issues, trust issues. Harry says I'm probably just insecure, because you're such a big star and millions of girls throw themselves at you, but never-the-less, I just don't feel like I can completely trust you."

What was she talking about?

"But babe, whatever issues you have, we can work on it. I love you, and I will never want to be with another girl." I said truthfully stepping closer, but she held me back.

"Zayn I'm sorry, but I think... Maybe we should take a break."

No. No no no no! She was not doing this to me! I felt my body being drained of power, and my hands against the wall were struggling to keep me up.

"A break?" I practically spat the word out, "everyone knows a break, is just a way of breaking up with someone, when you don't want to say the words!"

"No... No Zayn it's not like that..." She started, but I cut her off,

"Stop.... Just... If you want to take a break, that's fine... Totally fine!" I said and walked towards the exit kicking one of the garbage cans on my way.

 

***

a/n

Uh-oh!! will the drama ever end??

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