Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

*WARNING*
A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters

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15. 'Friendzoned'

A/N

So my internet connection at home isn't working, but now I'm at my sisters, and FINALLY have internet, so I can update! I've been looking forward to updating this chapter, because... well I have my reasons :).

First I just wanna say, if any Elounor, Larry or Zerrie or whatever shippers are offended by anything in this story, don't be. What I wríte is not nessecarily what I believe to be the truth...

Second, Zayn isn't in this chapter, but to team Zayn, I think you will really enjoy the next chapter ;) which I will try to update again as soon as possible! :)

Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 10 friendzoned
 

 

I had been staying at Louis and Harry's for five days when Zayn, for the first time wasn't sleeping over. In a way I was glad about this, cause there was something I had to get out of the way. When Zayn was around I would spend all my time with him or all five of the boys, but now that I was making up my mind about the tour, there was just one thing I had to take care of.

Harry had gone to bed, already at 11, so Louis and I were sitting and watching TV. I might as well do it now,
"Lou, we need to talk."

Louis' P.O.V.

"Lou we need to talk", Mag said looking at me seriously, making me nervous.
I was happy to finally have some alone time with her, but I had no idea what she wanted to talk about.
"Okay what's on your mind?" I asked turning off the television, giving her my full attention.
"I'm not even sure if I should be bringing this up, but I've been thinking about it alot lately, and I just wanna sort it out. Do you remember when we went out?"
I nodded.
"Well I don't know how drunk you were, or if you remember but... We kissed."

She remembered! All this time she remembered and hadn't mentioned it! But then again, neither had I.

"Yeah... I remember that." I said not quite sure where she was going with this.

She sighed and look relieved,
Well I'm glad you do, because since you remember but haven't mentioned it, it must be because it didn't really mean anything right? We just got caught in the moment that's all."

I wasn't happy by what she said at all. That kiss had meant everything to me, but I knew to her it was just a drunken mistanke. It was hearing it from her own mouth, that made my heart ache.

"Right?" She said, now looking slightly worried, and I snapped out of my thoughts,
"Um yeah sure, it was just a mistake." I assured her, not wanting to look her in the eyes, afraid that she would see my true thoughts and emotions.

"Great, I just wanted to get it out of the way", she said killing me with her smile, "you're such a good friend to me Louis! I've never had such a good guy friend before, who was as crazy as me. No matter what happens, I'll hope we'll always stay good friends."

Every word she said was a knife to my heart. We were just friends. Maybe it was my own fault. Maybe, if I had made a move from the start, we could have become something... No! I couldn't have done that, it was clear she liked Zayn from the first day. I, however, was friendzoned, from the moment we said hello.

Mag was watching some TV show, but I wasn't following at all. For the last hour, I had just thought about what she said, and admired her from the corner of my eyes. She was so beautiful, and not just her looks. She was such a sweet, caring, humble person. Nothing like the stuck up girls I used to meet.

Maybe if she knew how I felt, it could be different. Sometimes you don't realize how much you care about a person, untill you know how they feel about you.
I had told Zayn it was just a crush, and he thought it had already blown over, but he was so wrong. I still loved her, more and more each day. With every word she spoke to me, with every smile she sent my way, my heart longed for her more and more.

What if she, deep down, felt the same way, but didn't know it yet? Because if she did, then she wasn't meant to be with Zayn; that would be a mistake. And if she didn't feel the same, Zayn would never have to know how I felt, but I had to find out. I couldn't just continue to conceal my feelings, wondering if it ever could have been.

I slowly moved closer to Mag, who was so into the TV, that she didn't even notice anything. I turned my head towards her, staring at her, until she finally looked at me, surprised by how close I had gotten,

"Um what's up Lou?"
"I just... I have to say something."
"Yeah?" She said, still focused on the TV.
"Remember when I said, the kiss didn't mean anything to me?"
She looked at me, clearly forgetting about the TV.
"Well I lied." I stated bluntly, gazing into her brown eyes.
She just sat there, staring at me, clearly not knowing what to say.
I turned off the TV, and gathering up all the courage I had, I moved closer to her. She was still staring at me in shock.
"I just want to try something." I said, and before she could say anything, I slowly and gently pressed my lips against hers.
I waited for her reaction, but this time she didn't pull away. Instead she leant in closer, as I deepened the kiss. I pulled her closer into a warm embrace, as she ran her hands through my hair.
This was the moment I had been waiting for; the kiss that I had longed for. I felt electricity run through my body; every part of me burning, my heart beating with a million miles per hour.

"What's going on here?"

Mag and I jumped away from each other. I hadn't heard Harry enter the room, but there he was looking at us, shock written all over his face, but glaring daggers in my direction.

"I- I don't know what... I shouldn't have... Sorry!" Mag exclaimed and ran off to her room.
Harry shook his head at me,
"Great job Lou." He said angrily and followed her.

Harry's P.O.V.

Mag was sitting on her bed, staring blankly at the wall.

"Mag are you okay?"

She turned to face me,
"I-I don't know what happened. We were sitting watching TV, and then he kissed me... And I kissed back. I-I didn't mean to, but it just felt like the right thing to do,,, at the moment. Oh I'm an awful person!" She said burying her face in her hands.
I sat down next to her, rubbing her back,
"You're not an awful person! Louis is just an idiot... Look he's my best friend, and he tells me everything. He told me that he kissed you in the club, and you probably don't know, but Louis really likes you."
She looked at me shocked,
"You're joking right? But me and Louis are just friends, very good friends, but only that. Although, he did say..." she drifted off, and I encouraged her to go on,
"What did he say?"
"Well, we were talking about that kiss, like an hour ago, and he assured me it didn't mean anything, which I was very happy about... But now, he just said that he had lied, and then he kissed me, but I should have pulled away Harry! Why didn't I pull away?"

"Well, I know for a fact, that kiss meant something to him, he's crazy about you Mag, but he's held it in because of you and Zayn. He knows you fancy each other, and he didn't want to get in the way of that, but I guess tonight, he just got enough. Why you didn't pull away, only you.know, but you have to sort it out." I said, secretly hoping, that it had just been a mistake from her part.
If she had feelings for Louis as well, things could get ugly.

"Do you possibly think, you might have feelings for Louis?" I asked cautiously.
I-I don't know, I don't think so. I just don't want to hurt him Harry!" She said, and I was afraid she would start crying.

"Listen Mag, you also have to think about yourself. What you feel deep down! Whether you have feelings for Louis or Zayn, one of them won't be happy at first, but you can't feel guilty about it. It's not your fault, that any of this happened."

She smiled slightly, and wiped a single tear away from her cheek,
"Thanks, Harry. You're always looking out for me. I think I should talk with Louis."
I patted her shoulder and left the room to get Louis.

"Is she alright Harry?" Louis asked as soon as I entered the living room, "I shouldn't have kissed her."

''No you shouldn't have! What were you thinking? You could end up, hurting people you love, if you don't watch out. Anyways she wants to talk to you." I said, and went to my room. I had my own sorrows to dwell over.

Maggie's P.O.V.

I wasn't sure why I kissed Louis back, as I knew I couldn't have feelings for him. It was hard enough trying not to fall for Zayn, I wasn't gonna go fall for anyone else. Louis was such a good friend, that he could never be more than that.

Sure, he was attractive, very much indeed, and yeah he was a really sweet guy, and we always had fun together, enjoyed each others company, but I only loved him as a friend. We would never be more than that. Ever

Louis was clearly embarressed, as he entered my room. His face was red, and he avoided eye contact. I dreaded what, I was about to tell him, but if I waited he would get even more hurt.
"Hey", he said shyly standing by the door.
"Hey, you can come and sit if you want." I said, patting the bed next to me, and he sat down, still not looking at me.

"It's alright Lou, I'm not mad."
"You're not?" He asked finally looking at me.
"Well, not at you... I'm just upset with myself for kissing you back. I shouldn't have led you on like that." I said wishing, I could just turn back time and undo it.

"Mag, I really like you. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I just had to get it out, I'm sorry." He said, and the look in his eyes broke my heart, at what I was about to say.

"I know Lou, Harry told me. The thing is, and I'm really sorry about this, but I just don't feel the same about you. I care for you alot, but only as a friend. I really hope this doesn't have to change anything between us, because I don't want to lose you as a friend. I really hope this doesn't have to change anything between us, because I don't want to lose you as a friend... The best guy friend I've ever had.

Louis' P.O.V.

Of course what she said broke my heart, but I couldn't let her know that. After all I just wanted her to be happy, so I lied,
"It's okay Mag. Don't be sorry, we don't choose who we fall in love with. I just needed to be sure, about your feelings, and now I am. Don't worry, nothing has to change. It will be easier, for me to get over you now that, I know how you feel."

Lies, lies, lies.

I didn't know if I was ever going to get over her, but I had hid my feelings this long, and I would continue, Anything to make her happy.

"I know it must be hard for you Lou, but I'm really glad we can stay as good friends as before." She smiled at me, and my heart melted.

"Sure, don't worry about me, I'll be fine. And Zayn doesn't have to know about this right?" I asked, worried for a second, that she would tell him everything; he would kill me. But fortunately, she was also aware of his jealousy issues,

"No, I think it's best, he doesn't know about this."

 

Harry's P.O.V.

Stupid Louis. Why did he have to make everything so complicated? He wasn't the only one, who had to hide his true feelings, and he knew that quite well. All the boys knew that both Louis and I had been doing it for years.

To Louis, Larry Stylinson was complete bogus. That's because to him "Larry" was the name people came up with for our secret relationship. To him "relationship" defined being boyfriends, and since we had never been that, Larry didn't exist to him.

But to me Larry simply described our true feelings for each other, and was from my point of view very real. I loved Louis deeply as a friend, but I also felt alot more than that. Of course I found all the boys handsome, but with Louis I found him very attractive, meaning that I was actually attracted to him, from the first day we met.

I wouldn't call myself gay, but when all my short term relationships with women ended, I wondered why. I would be attracted to them at first, and act on that, but there was no chemistry or deeper feelings. Not like with Louis. He knew how I felt, and he felt it to most of them time. Obviously not since he met Mag though.

Louis would get jealous sometimes when I got close to the others, and sometimes it was just friendship jealousy; as our friendship was the closest and most special, we were both afraid of "losing" each other to the others, even though we were all best friends. But sometimes it was real jealousy and could be hard to find.

The first time Louis and I heard about Larry, we discussed it, and realized that we loved each other as more then just friends, and we had our special... moments. We could also both get very jealous, especially Louis, but even though we both had these feelings, we never took it as far as actually being boyfriends, so to Louis Larry didn't exist, and he hated when people talked about it. He didn't think of himself as gay, but I tried to explain, that people just fall in love sometimes. It didn't nessecarily mean we were gay.

The last couple of months though, I noticed that Louis didn't feel like before. Of course I asked him about it, and he confessed that he still loved me, but now it was mostly as a friend, and not totally like before. I couldn't fool anyone, I loved Louis deeply, and was indeed very much in love with him. That's why I knew how hard it was to pretend you didn't love someone. I had been hiding my true feelings from the public for a long time, not always succeeding.

I had seen Larry videos, and I noticed that we weren't always good at hiding our jealousy, and our attempts of being affectionate towards each other in public. It was hard to pretend, when it came to deep feelings. At least I hadn't been thrown in to a fake relationship like Louis. It was awful for him, as he confided in me several times.

Now he was pretending again, but it wasn't with me, and as much as I cared for Mag, it was hard to not be jealous.

Louis had finally after 3 years, friendzoned me and it broke my heart. Had he really forgotten everything between us?

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