Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


70. 'Battlefield'


Just a quick note.. I named this chap Battlefield cus I was inspired by the song "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks, you might wanna check it out ;)

pleeease remember to comment!! Like&Fave :)

Enjoy! xoxo, M. ;)

Chapter 62


Harry's P.O.V.

The boys and I all woke up early, excited about Louis coming to Australia, one day before our first show. He had only been gone for like 3-4 days, but he left without saying goodbye to anyone except Liam and we had barely talked to him while he was there. Besides the quick videocall, when I was down by the pool, he had only called once and when we tried to call there was usually no response. He hadn't gotten a new phone since breaking his, so we always called Mag, and she wasn't very good at picking up. This was the main reason for our excitement.

Of course we missed him, I missed him like crazy, but we were all dying to hear how things were going with Mag, since that was the whole point of him going there. The one time he called was the same day he got there, and everything sounded fine, then there was the quick videocall two days ago, but we hadn't heard from him since, and knowing him and Mag, alot could happen in only two days.

I was just stepping out of the shower, when I heard a knock on the door, and rushed to open it.

"Lou!" I flung my arms around him, forgetting everything about the towel around my waist, which now fell to the floor.

"Whoa, slow down there Haz! You do know there are cameras here, and if I step aside, some people will be seeing more, than they're paid for!"

Louis chuckled, and I quickly picked up my towel, as he stood blocking the door until he was tackled by a quick flash of blonde!

"Horan, you mad man!" Louis exclaimed with a grin, regaining his balance, Niall still attached to him.

"We missed you so much Louis!" Niall shouted way too close to Louis' ears.

"It's only been like 4 days!" Louis said, as Niall finally let go.

"Yeah I know... It's Zayn, he's driving us crazy..."

Niall was cut off by a Bradford accent,

"Me? Driving you crazy? You lot are doing me head in!"

"Hey, what's been going on here?" Louis asked with a grin, and we all went into my room.

"Where's Tally and Liam?" Louis asked, clearly surprised that the Irish girl had detached herself from her boyfriend.

"Are you kidding?" Niall exclaimed,

"It's like 9am, the lass is still sound asleep. I got up reluctantly, because Harry demanded it!"

I smiled proudly at the fact, that I had managed to get Niall up. And by that, I mean that I literally had to unwrap him from his girlfriend, resulting in several scratches on my arm, but I got the job done.

"Payno went to get breakfast..." Niall started, just as Liam came walking through the door loaded with bags.

"Louis! Good to see you mate." He greeted Louis with a hug, but had a weird expression on his face, that Lou apparently caught up on.

"You - um - have you talked to Skye?"

Liam literally eyed Louis up and down before replying,

"Yeah... Yeah, I had a good talk with her."

I noticed a telepathical conversation going on between the two of them, wondering what it was all about but before I could ask, Louis turned to Zayn,

"So what's going on man? What's the crack?"

"Zayn has a girlfriend!" Niall shouted out before anyone could say a thing and Louis' jaw dropped to the floor.

"Zayn! You sneaky lad!" Louis was in shock, while in the meantime, Zayn was glaring at Niall, but I couldn't help but notice the slyness in his eyes.

"When did this happen? Who's the girl?"

"That's the problem init? He won't tell us!" I replied, narrowing my eyes at Zayn,

"Tally walked in on him the other day, while he was on the phone... Tried to grab it from him after he hung up."

"We've been trying to guess," Niall continued, "but it's just "no comment" all the time! His pokerface is too much!"

Louis looked at Zayn thoughtfully, until he finally said,

"I know who it is!"

"Do you now?" Zayn asked sceptically.

"It's not that hard to figure out!" Louis exclaimed, "There's only one girl you've been in touch with regularly the last few months! But you know, I have her number and I could always call Ada myself."

We all turned towards Zayn, who lost his pokerface for a second as he glared at Louis,

"Why do you have her number?"

"Oh it is totally Ada!" Liam said and we all nodded. The tone in Zayn's voice had said it all, and Louis grinned proudly.

"I was bluffing Zayn, I don't have your girlfriends number and I don't even have a phone."

Zayn looked upset at first but finally smiled slightly,

"Yeah alright... Ada is my girlfriend, why is it such a big deal?"

"Well, why didn't you tell us?" I asked, "and it is a big deal. You've finally moved on from M..." I stopped midsentence, and glanced at Louis whose expression had changed dramatically.

"Finally moved on from... From... Being single."

I tried to save it, but they all looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Look, I didn't tell you guys because we're still figuring out how to work it out and I guess I didn't want to... You know... Jinx it."

All of us stared at Zayn weirdly, because honestly that did not sound like him at all.

"YOU didn't want to jinx it?" Liam asked, as Zayn shifted in his seat,

"Y-yeah... That's right."

"And how does Ada feel about the whole jinxing situation?" Louis asked with a smug smile.

"She agrees totally! She believes that too much talk about a relationship can create bad carma and since it's still pretty early, something like that could ruin everything."

I repressed a laugh, because it was so clear that this whole thing was Ada's idea, but Zayn would never admit to being whipped.

"So how serious are you guys?" Louis finally asked.

"Well, not seeing each other makes it hard, but the phone calls and skyping are a big help and we already arranged to spend some of the holidays together."

"Christmas?" Niall asked.

"Yeah what other holiday is coming up?" Zayn replied.

"Um... Are you forgetting something? Perhaps a girl currently in London who thinks she's spending Christmas with your family?" I added, and Zayn smacked his forehead,

"How could I forget about Mag? But they can both come, right?"

"Mate are you serious? Ex-girlfriend and current girlfriend?" Liam commented.

"Yeah, why not? Mag and I are on good terms, and Ada will be cool with it."

I noticed how Louis expression would change everytime Mag came up, and realized we still hadn't discussed his time in London.

"Why don't you invite her for Christmas at your place Lou? It's not too late." I turned to Louis whose eyes widened at my suggestion.

"No, I don't think that would be a good idea." He replied bluntly.

"Why not? I'm sure she'd loved to and your parents won't mind." Niall said, completely oblivious to the situation.

"Louis can I have a word?" I asked getting up, and he nodded a bit surprised, following me to the hallway.

"What's going on, Lou?" I asked him, as soon as the door closed behind him.

Louis avoided my gaze scratching the back of his neck.

"I fucked up Haz..." He finally said, pacing back and forth, "I totally fucked up!"


Mag's P.O.V.

I was in my bed downing a whole pint of ice cream watching Geordie Shore, when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in." I replied in a weak voice and a blonde head popped in,

"Hey girl... Feeling better?" Skye asked, sitting on the bed.

I had lied to her, telling her I wasn't feeling well, just to avoid the real subject and she played along knowing perfectly well that my pain was not because of a headache.

"Yes... No, not really." I replied honestly. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, even Skye. I just wanted to sit here in bed with my good friends Ben, Jerry and MTV.

"Well... Someone came by to see you."

"Oh ... I'm sorry but I'm really not in the mood for company." I said hoping she would leave me alone soon.

"Okay then... I can tell him to leave."

"Him?" I asked, sitting up straight.

"Yeah... Calum." Skye said, and just as she was about to leave my room, I stopped her,

"Wait! It's alright... I'd like to see Calum."

"Should I just send him in?" She asked smiling, probably because I hadn't talked to anyone yet, but then again Louis had only just left yesterday. It felt like weeks though.

I quickly pulled out my phone, just to check if I was presentable, before tossing the empty Ben&Jerrys pint in the bin, and straightening the covers right as Calum stepped through the door.

"Hey Mag." Calum smiled at me, but it was too hard for me to return it.

"What's up Calum?"

"I decided to drop by because... Well I want to apologize."

Well, that was unexpected.

"For what?" I asked him confused.

"I realized it was my fault the other night. Louis wouldn't have gotten so upset with you if it wasn't for me, asking you to pretend to be my girlfriend."

I looked at Calum, remembering what Louis had said.

"It sure looked like you were in love."

He was wrong. I wasn't in love with Calum. Seeing him sitting there on my bed in his black jeans and hoodie didn't do anything for me. I still felt numb. If I was in love with Calum, he would have been able to take the numb feeling away, but he didn't. I'm not quite sure if I had expected him to, when I told Skye to let him in. I guess on some level, I just wanted to prove Louis wrong. I needed to prove to myself that I had no feelings for Calum at all.

"So I'm sorry," Calum's voice snapped me out of my thoughts, "I shouldn't have asked you to play along, and I feel horrible about what happened. I'll always be here for you as a friend, and I hope you know I really do care about you. I just don't want to see you hurt, especially when it was all my fault."

I looked out the window, noticing the rain that had started to fall, and thought about Louis in sunny Australia. Due to the long flight and the time difference he would have landed there at 9am local time. Since the time here in London was now 12pm, it would be 9pm in Brisbane. 12 hours, and I hadn't heard a single word from any of the boys. But then I remembered that my phone was off, and Skye probably thought it best to not mention if they had called. I had heard her on the phone for a very long time, after Louis had left yesterday.

"Mag? I know you're upset but please... Say something?"

I faced Calum, letting out a deep sigh,

"It's alright Calum... Anything that happened between Louis and I was inevitable. Things haven't been easy and sooner or later something would have come in the way."

I felt the tears coming again and blinked them back quickly. My voice seemed to have taken a break, but luckily Calum sensed the situation,

"You probably want to be alone, and I have work soon. I just wanted to say sorry... And I hope you'll be better soon."

I gave him an unconvincing smile, which he returned before slowly leaving my room.

I got out of bed, pulling on my fuzzy socks, a big sweater and my scarf, before opening the window and digging for my cigarettes in my bag.

Since I moved in with Skye, I would smoke on the small balcony but now that the weather was getting colder and my smoking more regular, she let me smoke in my room if I just kept the door closed and the window open.

I lit my cigarette, staring at the sky thinking back to why I was in this condition.

*** Flashback - 1 day earlier ***

It was 8am when the front door slammed, waking me up abruptly. I knew Skye wasn't going to work, or she would have gone home earlier last night, so I wondered who it could be. Louis had to be at Heathrow in a couple hours, so it wouldn't make sense if he was just coming home now.

I got out of bed, shivering at the cold wooden floor touching my bare feet, and quickly found a pair of socks. The livingroom was empty, but I heard a crash in the kitchen followed by a "fuck", and went in there.

Louis was kneeling on the floor, picking up pieces of glass, muttering curses under his breath.


He looked up quickly, eyes bloodshot and tired. He sat there just looking at me, before returning to the glass.

"What happened? Are you alright?" I asked, but he kept his head down, eyes focused on the broken glass.

"Louis, I know you're upset but... Are you never going to talk to me again?"

My voice was shaky, but he remained silent, until finally collecting the big pieces in a pile and getting up,

"I need to get some paper to wrap this up in... And vacuum the floor."

He walked right past me, without a single look and I held the tears back as I stood there unable to move, staring at the broken glass.

*** Pause of flashback ***

I inhaled a last draw of my cigarette, before putting it out in the ashtray, I had bought a couple weeks ago and thought about the previous morning. If I had just gone back to bed, after Louis left the kitchen, maybe it wouldn't be like this now. Maybe I would actually be happy now, blissfully ignorant... But I didn't go back to bed. I waited until Louis returned to the kitchen, and turned my world upside down.

*** Flashback continues ***

Louis entered the kitchen again with yesterdays newspaper and the vacuum cleaner. I just stood there watching as he carefully wrapped up the glass, tossed it in the bin and vacuumed the area where it had broken. I might as welk have been a statue the way he ignored me, but I was still frozen to my spot. The sound from the vacuum cleaner must have woken Skye up, because I suddenly heard the Blonde's furious voice,

"What the fuck is going on here?"

I quickly turned around, her voice taking me by shock and Louis dropped the cloth that he had just taken out to wipe the spilt water.

"I- I broke a glass." Louis said nervously, and I turned to glare at him. So he could talk to Skye, but not me?

Skye looked around studying everything carefully before her eyes settled on Louis, narrowing into slits,

"Did you just get in, Louis?" She asked angrily, sounding like a parent. A very upset parent.

At first he didn't answer, staring at the floor, fidgeting with his fingers like a kid who just got caught doing something bad. He shot a glance at me, making my heart stop, before replying,

"Yeah... Yeah, I just came back."

"Well then... Where have you been... Lewis?" Skye asked crossing her arms, pronouncing his name like she always did when she was upset.

I had a feeling she might know something I didn't, and she probably did. I left the club a long time before she came home, waking me up with all the noise she had made. Something could have happened there, that I knew nothing about. I looked back and forth between the two, starting to think that maybe I didn't want to know what had happened.

"Why should I tell you?" Louis snapped back sassily, and his tone made it clear that he was still slightly drunk.

"You're staying at my place, Louis! And you can't just come waltzing in at 8am breaking things and using that tone with me!" Skye was fuming red now, and even I was scared of her.

I felt unbearably awkward by now, standing in the middle of this discussion, but it would look so weird if I just left.

Louis rolled his eyes at Skye and scoffed,

"Oh please! I'm leaving in a couple hours, and might I remind you that I use whatever tone I like with whomever I would like to use it with..." Louis stopped for a second, looking as if he was wondering if what he just said made sense, before going on,

"And I'm sorry for breaking your glass, but you lent me the sparekey. I thought that meant that I can come back whenever I please, without being interrogated... You're acting worse than my mother! I'm almost as old as you Skye, and I am not obliged to answer any of your questions!"

I was surprised by how Louis was acting; I had never seen the drunk-rebellious Louis before. I'd heard of him many times and I'd seen/heard many Louis's but never this one.

"Okay then, why don't we see how Mag feels about this?" Skye said triumphantly, as I felt my face turn crimson red.

Louis shot me a nervous look, filled with worry before turning away again and saying coldly,

"Why should I care about that?"

I felt the air being knocked out of me, and dropped to the chair right next to me.

Apparently Skye was also taken by surprise,

"So is this how it is now? You don't care about her anymore? Come on Louis, we both know that isn't true!"

"Well why should I care about someone, who doesn't even know what the fuck she feels!" Louis was yelling now, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I was just going to sit here, and let him talk about me like that.

"You have no idea what you're talking about!" I shouted at Louis, standing up to face him,

"Just because you thought you saw something in a friendly look, you're going to act like a total wanker again! Is that it Louis? That's just your solution to everything, init? You talk crap about working things out, and then pull off this bloody jealous-twat stunt again! Well, screw you Louis!"

I marched into the livingroom followed by an infuriated Louis and a clearly baffled Skye.

"Well how do you expect me to react when you pretend to be that stupid little dick's girlfriend? You expect me to not get jealous? You know how hypocritical that is! I saw the looks you were giving me and Jenna!"

"I didn't bloody blow up about it, did I? I didn't mention it cause I knew it didn't mean anything!" I fired back, feeling as if steam would be coming out of my ears any time now. I couldn't even remember the last time I had been this upset at someone.

When I found out about Zayn and Zoë, when I discovered Zayn and Louis' lovegame, when Louis accused me of sleeping with Calum, none of that made me this mad. Because this time I wasn't just angry, I was hurt as well.

"You know what I think Louis?" Skye spoke up again, "I think you're using anger to hide your own guilt!"

"What are you talking about?" Louis replied, his voice faltering.

"I think you want Mag to get angry at you so you won't have to feel bad about what happened... That's called a coward!"

"What? What happened?" I asked, feeling anxiety bulding up in me.

"Nothing happened!" Louis said through gritted teeth, glaring murderously at Skye.

"What's the matter Louis? Not man enough to admit your own mistakes? No, you'd rather just yell at people who haven't done anything wrong!" Skye nodded towards me and I noticed how Louis' body was tensing.

I couldn't help but think "thank God, we're not in the kitchen", as Louis looked like he would explode anytime soon.

"Haven't done anything wrong? She doesn't even know who she's in love with!" Louis' words were like venom, and the finger he pointed at me, might as well have been a blade. I was about to retaliate but Skye beat me to it,

"You're changing the subject Lewis! Maybe I should tell Mag what I saw!"

What did she see? Oh God, this couldn't be good!

"You wouldn't dare!" Louis narrowed his eyes.

"Oh wouldn't I?" Skye glared back challenging,

"Well you're not man enough to do it yourself!"

"Skye, I'm warning you..."

"Louis kissed Jenna!"

"YOU WHAT?!" I turned to Louis, eyes as wide as saucepans.

"Damn it Skye!" Louis yelled, not even looking at me.

"She had the right to know!" Skye yelled back, the two of them ignoring me and my crumbling world,

"Is that where you were Louis, huh?"

"Skye... Shut. Up. Now!" Louis' tone was threatening, but we knew he would never lay hand on a girl.

"Why should I shut up? This is my fucking place! Did you spend the night at Jenna's?"

My head snapped towards Louis so fast it actually hurt. No... He couldn't have!

He wouldn't do that to me.

"Louis...?" I wasn't yelling anymore. My voice was weak and merely a whisper. Louis avoided my gaze, and my hand shot up towards my mouth.

Oh my God. He did.

*** End of Flashback ***

Louis' P.O.V.

"So you slept at that Jenna chick's place?" Harry asked, as I was telling him what had happened before I left, starting with Skye's plan and everything since then.

I nodded slowly, not wanting to see the judgmental look on his face.

"But you said that Skye told Mag, you had kissed her, when did that happen?"

I let out a deep sigh, wishing I could just erase everything from my memory,

"At the club... We were dancing, I was drunk and upset and then... Yeah I kissed her. I think Mag had already left."

"What type of kiss?"

Why did he have to keep on digging in this! I gave him a knowing look, and the expression on his face turned sour,

"Louis how could you?"

"I don't know Harry! I was drunk and out of my mind... I told you what happened with Mag and Calum..."

"Well, that doesn't mean you go and snog another girl! Especially one that Mag is uncomfortable about!"

"I know! I know..." I sighed, plumping down on the small couch across the door to his room.

This was a big fucking mess I had gotten myself into. I had just spent about twelve hours on a plane and all I had achieved was getting slightly rid of my hangover. I had no idea how to get myself out of this one. I was pretty much doomed now, wasn't I?

How could I be such a selfish idiot? Mag probably hated my guts now. I didn't blame her, I hated my own guts. Actually I hated Calum's guts more. This was all his fault! If he hadn't got Mag to play his little game, we would be perfectly fine right now! Instead we were on each our sides of the world seperated not only by land and water, but by hatred, resentment and regret.

"So then what happened?" Harry asked, "Mag found out that you slept at Jenna's... Did all hell break loose?"

I buried my head in my hands taking a deep breath to prepare what I was about to tell,

"Everyone blew up. For a couple minutes Mag was silent, and I didn't dare say anything but then she started shouted and yelling... I could barely make out what she was saying. But I was drunk as fuck and in stead of staying calm and realizing I had made a mistake, well I started yelling back saying all sorts of crap about her and Calum and how she had spended the night as his place but she said that was different. She hadn't snogged him senseless before going back to his place. Skye joined in the discussion making me even more upset because it was two against one. We moved through most of her apartment, I broke a few more glasses, but Mag... She... Well she threw a fucking plate at me!"

"She what?!" Harry exclaimed surprised that she would do something like that.

"Yeah but that's cause I called her an overreacting, intolerable bitch..."

I didn't dare to look up at Harry, worried about his reaction but I could practically hear his expression,

"What the hell Louis? You called her a bitch? How drunk were you?"

"Way too drunk to be having a conversation. I said worse things than that, also to Skye, which shouldn't be repeated. Anyways the yelling insults and breaking things went on for a while, until Skye's neighbor came to complain about the noise. So I grabbed my stuff and left to wait at the airport. I spent the flight sleeping away my hangover and now the reality and seriousness of the situation is finally dawning upon me."

"You're right Louis." Harry said, sitting next to me," You fucked up big this time."

"The worst part came last." I finally said, wishing I could just forget it.

Harry looked at me expectantly to go on.

"Right before I left, Mag asked if I had - um - slept with Jenna, and my answer made her call me, and I quote, "a fucking scumbag, unreliable asshole and good for nothing manwhore". That's when I left."

"What was your answer?" Harry asked cautiously, not even wanting to look at me, "Did you sleep with the girl?"

I went over the words in my head again and again and the look on her face. I really should have just kept my mouth shut, or just said a simple "I don't know", but that would have been just as bad as what I had said. Well, probably not just as bad.

"What did you say Louis?"

I stared at the door in front of me, repeating the words I had said to Mag, that had been the last blow,

"Maybe I didn't, maybe I did... And if I did, what does it matter to you?"


Pleease don't hate me! :)

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