I Knew It Then

*Shortlisted as one of Movellas top 10 1D fanfictions* "I promise you, I will be worthy of you one day". One day. ︱Isla never believed in love. Much less that it would come to her, a size eighteen curly headed nervous wreck. So when Harry Styles enters her life abruptly, a true believer in love and its beauty, Isla must learn to accept all the things love entails, but the journey is not easy. Along the way she must learn to overcome the venomous voices in her head telling her that she is not worthy. In this vicious cycle of finding an even ground in the battle that is her self image, Isla must learn to love herself again. This is love story yes, but not only about the love between two people, Harry and Isla, but the love she must regain for herself. Because before she can love him entirely, she must learn to love herself.
©Ohhipstaplease 201

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7. It Isn't Worth It Isla.

CHAPTER SIX

It isn't Worth It Isla

Harry's P.O.V

"You knew this is what it was going to come to Harry." Louis mumbles as he watches me pace across the room after having gone through my twitter feed. 

"Yes, but she doesn't deserve this." 

"Harry, she's a big girl." I turn to look at him sharply. He smirks, putting his hands up "Not what I meant mate. I mean, she's an adult she should know how to handle this." 

"But that's the thing Louis. Even i'm afflicted, imagine how she must feel," I say running a hand through my hair "How does it always come down to this." I say throwing my phone onto the couch angrily.

Louis raises his eyebrows at the bright screen, reaching for the phone cautiously, "These girls are vicious" he says looking at the screen. I watch him as he silently reads insults, petty threats, demeaning phrases, the occasional compliment, and the ever worrying death threats. "Bloody hell." He mutters.

"I wonder how Isla's holding up."

"She knew what she was getting into mate."

"That doesn't make it any easier." 

He sighs loudly putting the phone down and looks at me steadily, "Harry, just don't pay attention to this shit. Don't make it more than it is" 

"So I should just sit by and let her be insulted and threatened?" I say angrily.

He looks at me worriedly, "Harry it happens. Everyone one of us have gone through it. We know the way the media spins stories and how the fans get a bit loony about our love lives. Mate, that's life. You know this already. More importantly you know what you feel for her and no one is going to change that, right?"

"That's not what worries me." I whisper "What worries me is that they'll make her change her mind."

 

Isla's P.O.V

I watch the clouds lazily pass by my window. Music softly plays in background, the sheets cool under my sticky skin. I sigh loudly shifting to lie on my stomach. I look at my phone and fight the urge to pick it up. 

"It's not worth it Isla." I mutter to myself.

I realized that, I couldn't possibly be in a dream. A dream would allow me to be this beautiful girl about to go on the adventure of a lifetime with the boy that would be forever hers. 

Even the cliched fan fiction had the girl who was the embodiment of perfection. The one that everyone related to.

And what was I?

An overweight, inadequate girl that couldn't possibly ever be the main character in a story. 

I could never be the international pop star's love intrest.

At least, not until I made myself worthy of him. 

"Isla?" My mother calls up the stairs. I quickly turn on my side and pretend i'm sleeping. "Isla." She says carefully opening the door and coming towards me "Sweetie, Harry's here to see you."

I turn to face her and say in a calm voice, "Tell him i'm not here."

"Too late love."

I look up to see Harry leaning against the door frame, smirking at me.  

"I'll let you two talk." My mother says getting up and leaving, quietly shutting the door behind her. Harry steps towards my bed, he looks at me tentatively for a fraction of a second before getting in bed with me and wrapping me in his arms. 

"Don't ever change Isla. You're perfect the way you are." he whispers in my ear softly. I lean back and look at him, his bright green eyes reflecting sincerity. He kisses my forehead as he wraps me tightly into his embrace.

All I could hope was that he would never stop feeling the way he does now. 

❇❇❇

Harry lies asleep, his arms wound tightly around me. I look at him and can't help but reflect on myself. I was twice his size, his large arms barely being able to wrap around my waist. I gently get up without rousing Harry and go to the bathroom.

Darkness enveloped the house, it felt eerie to walk in the hallway with no lights to guide me. I step into the bathroom, my bare feet stepping onto the cool white tile. I stand in front of the mirror and lift my shirt a bit. I stare at rolls upon rolls of fat , stretch marks which abounded, pale skin that has never seen the light of day. I shudder at the image reflecting back at me, how could he find this attractive. I look down a bit further, my hips padded by fat, my thighs large and awkward, my hands pudgy and child-like. I hold back tears as I finally see what everyone else has seen. 

"Isla the whale"

"Fatass"

"Leave some food for us lardass"

Tears streak my cheeks as I hear voices swimming in my head. Taunts and remarks that I had tried so badly to repress. They came back to me in this instant, but with even more venom than before. 

"Kill yourself and do Harry a favor"

"He just feels sorry for you"

"You could never be enough for him"

I turn away from the mirror and kneel before the toilet, the cool tile embedding marks onto my unsteady legs. I retch until I feel myself calm down, until I feel myself completely empty of the venom within me. 

I feel an odd calm wash over me. 

It was a relief. 

I get up and try to rub the marks from the tile off my legs, take a swig of mouthwash, and shakily walk back to my bed and find Harry still asleep.

It had been such a long time since I had stopped. Such a long time since the voices ceased. 

But they're back.

I whisper to him as he breathes softly.

"I promise you, I will be worthy of you one day"

One day. 

❇❇❇

"So you're leaving tomorrow?"

He nods his head, smiling all the while, "Isla, it's not like i'm breaking up with you, love." He comes over and kisses my forehead "I'm simply stating a fact,"

"But Harry."

He chuckles wrapping an arm around me, "Let's go get breakfast love." 

"Harry." I huff.

"We'll talk later, i'm starving."

I roll my eyes, but follow him as he makes his way down the hall to the car. I look out the window of the passenger side and realize it's only six in the morning. The sun is barely coming up on the horizon, and as Harry starts up my pick up truck I realize how much I was going to miss him. Although he had only been here for a few days, his presence was something that one couldn't help but yearn for. He had this goodness about him, something that made you feel wanted, something that made you feel at ease. I smile as he hums to himself while driving. We hit a red light and suddenly his hand runs through his hair before he turns to me. 

"Isla?"

"What?"

"What if" He sighs a bit and smiles nervously "What if you were able to visit me on tour?"

I stretch out my hand and take his in mine. 

"That would be great Harry."

❇❇❇

I sit across from Harry at a little pancake house a few minutes away from my home. I have been here countless times, yet I never imagined i'd be watch him stuff his face with pancakes, his lips drenched in syrup, while still managing to look amazing. He smiles at me when he realized I was watching him and I feel myself blush a bit. 

"Isla, why aren't you eating?" 

"I am." I push around my eggs making it seem as if I had eaten some.

"You're just moving around your food." I look up at him.

"Am not, I ate some already." He looks at me, brow furrowed, still slightly chewing his breakfast. He takes a sip from his mug and clears his throat.

"Love, things are only going to get more difficult." You're telling me. As if they aren't already about to reach their breaking point. "But Isla, none of it matters. Remember, it isn't worth it Isla. Don't waste time doubting yourself over the comments of others."

I nod my head slightly, smiling at him, "I know Harry."

But I didn't. All I knew was that when Harry saw me again, I would be worthy of his love.  

"Excuse me, Harry?" She smiles brightly at him, she must be at least seventeen. Her blonde hair long and flowing, her taste in fashion impeccable. Her body was perfect. "Would you mind taking a picture with me?" Her texan drawl sounds adorable, her smile was bright. 

"Sure love." He says without a thought

She holds out her camera at me, a rather mean glint in her eye. "Sorry to interrupt feeding time honey, but would you mind getting up and taking a picture, unless you know...you can't get up from the table." She eyes the extremely narrow space between the table and I and smirks. I look at her wide-eyed, her words stinging as they should.

"Excuse me?" Harry says, sounding out every syllable. "Don't you think you're being rude?" 

She looks at me, then turns to Harry.

"What do you even see in her? Like honestly,  you could have anyone and you choose that. We know you're a good guy, but you don't have to pity every animal that comes across your way" She says angrily.

Harry swiftly grabs my hand, pulls me up and stands next to me, "If you truly like me as much as lead on, I suggest you show it in a more polite manner" He takes a breath, trying to calm himself. "People like you are the reason we have so many people in the world doubting themselves, hating themselves" She stares at him wide-eyed, tears about to escape. 

He grabs my hand tightly and pulls me after him as he storms out. His normally gentle green eyes, have turned dark and conflicted. He gently turns on the car and turns to look at me. 

"It isn't worth it Isla, don't listen to any of them." 

I turn his face towards mine and lightly press my lips to his, "I'm going to miss you Harry."

"Me too Isla, but we still have today." I nod and smile lightly. 

I silently swore to myself, the next time he saw me, he wouldn't have to be embarrassed by his fans because of me. As his green eyes pierce mine I knew I would do anything to be worthy of the attention he's given me. He's done so much for me in such little time. I needed to look my best, I needed to be beautiful.

I needed to be someone worthy of his love. 

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