Anesthetics

I read this on a different website and wanted to share it on here. Each title is a chapter and in the beginning of each chapter is bit of lyrics that is like a summary for the chapters. All credits to the original creator if you want to read it on the original website here it is :http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?psid=273458

If this doesnt work try this, go to http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com, on the side it should say search HPFF click it, there should be a search box type in Anesthetics, find the one that says Banner by Sammy Lupin! once you've done that you should have it also here's what it should say:
Anesthetics by UnderRugSwept13
Rating: Mature
Chapters: 20
Characters: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Lily, James, Regulus, Bellatrix, Narcissa, Voldemort, OC
Genre(s): Drama, Angst, Young Adult
Era: Marauders
Pairings: Snape/OC, James/Lily, Lucius/Narcissa, Snape/Lily, OC/OC

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10. Blackbird

 

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life you were only waiting
For this moment to be free.


One of the things I loved about being with Julien was, admittedly, the attention. I’d never had a boyfriend and before Julien, I hadn’t really wanted one either. I viewed girls who relied on boys to make them happy as weak. And weak was the last thing I ever wanted to be. Girlfriends, I believed, were bitchy, self-centered girls who weren’t smart enough to make their own happiness, so they toted along a guy to do it for them. But I soon realized that that was not the case.

Julien made me happy, of course, but in a new sort of way. I’d always been...content with my life, that was one way to put it. True, I didn’t like people, attention or even companionship, but I had been born and bred that way. Julien showed me another way to think, another way to live. This living, I learned, involved having a companion who you liked to be around. And for me, that was a totally new concept. I loved how important Julien made me feel, like the fact that I even breathed was a miracle. He looked at me as though I were a masterpiece and the feeling was incredibly empowering. Sure, I loved to put people down, and I always would, but being complimented was something that felt better. I couldn’t get enough of it.

I basked in the dirty looks girls threw at me and the appreciative glances guys now awarded me. Attention. Good attention. I’d never felt so wanted in my entire life, as cheesy as that sounded. I think it was the inner child inside of me, reveling in the praise I had never received growing up. It was clinical and superficial, but wasn’t everyone allowed a little self-reward sometimes? I survived seventeen years without so much as a “That looks good with your eyes,” or a “I like your hair today.” That can truly do damage to a teenage girl’s ego, that lack of admiration. And so in being with Julien, the acclaim I obtained put me on cloud nine. A place ten clouds away from where I’d been for almost two decades. Yeah, I lived that low on the cloud count.

That’s why I loved the kissing in the empty corridors at night, his hand in mine when we walked to class, the feeling of his arm around my waist in an embrace. I liked being wanted. And the way he looked at me made me feel like someone actually did give a damn about me.

This was a new concept.
A new concept that I very much enjoyed.

Unfortunately, I admit to thinking about Severus a lot. He had been my best...companion. ‘Friend’ wasn’t the right word, but he had been the only person who I believed had been on the same mental level that I was. It made me uncomfortable to think about him though. I didn’t like who he’d become. Every time I saw him, he was hanging out with kids I knew to be Death Eaters (or who were very soon going to be). Avery, Nott, Macnair. I’d always hated every single one of them. They were stupid, arrogant muscle-heads who would follow anyone who promised destruction. It was disgusting.

Maybe it was hypocritical of me to hate such people when everyone thought me no better. But I was, honestly. I wasn’t going to physically attack someone unless provoked. And my verbal attacks (at least as of late) were directed at my family or anyone who pissed me off. There was a method to my madness. But to those Death Eater kids, it was all about power. I never wanted power over anyone, I didn’t care enough about anything to crave control.

I hated seeing Snape with them. Absolutely and admittedly despised it. I know I had no claim over Snape, I was with Julien now (not that Severus and I had ever been involved that way), but it bothered me how he could so easily betray me like he did. And that had been the difference between us the whole time; I was strong enough to be independent and Severus was not.

And that was a concept that I did not like at all.


 

~*~*~*~*~




“God, it’s good to be out of the castle for once!” Julien proclaimed this as we were walking, hand in hand, down the path that led to Hogsmeade. I agreed with him too, it was nice to finally get out, but other thoughts plagued my mind. Mostly Lucida.

Her letter was abrupt and short. I hadn’t been totally sure that it was actually her writing and not my mother faking it. Although I couldn’t see any logic in Mother asking to see me in Hogsmeade through Lucida. My sister would never betray me that way. And besides, I had nothing to hide. The puzzle frustrated me beyond belief.

However, I also felt terrible about Julien. I couldn’t bring him along to meet Lucida. It had sounded urgent and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let him into that side of my life yet. I didn’t want to ditch him on his first visit to Hogsmeade, but this was important. So, I had decided just to tour around with him a bit first. I didn’t want to make Lucida wait, but if it was that important, she would wait around for me. Besides, it would have been awfully out of character for me to be punctual. She was probably expecting me to be late anyway.

“We walk on the grounds all the time.” Was my light response, breathing in the crisp October air. It felt good in my lungs, clearing out all the cobwebs that had accumulated from being cooped up in the castle for a month. And I was positive that there actually were cobwebs in my lungs too. Having the Slytherin quarters in the dungeons was dodgy. No one would believe the number of spiders that scurried out of my trunk after I unpacked at the beginning of every summer. It was ridiculous. The idea of Lucida surviving in those same dorms a few years ago was highly laughable. She was terrified of bugs of any kind.

Julien laughed at my comment, his breath forming cold clouds around his lips. He started childishly swinging our entwined hands, earning many eye rolls from passing housemates and surprised looks from other houses. Not many students had seen such happy Slytherins before (while no one was in pain). I took some pride in the monumental realization, and smiled along with him.

“Thank you for spotting the obvious, dear.” He laughed again, patronizingly kissing the top of my head. I’m not sure whether my cheeks were flushed from the weather or Julien. It didn’t matter.
“So, where to first? You know this place better than I do. Be my tour guide.” Julien said cheekily, giving me one of his heart-stopping smiles.
“Uh...” I still got momentarily stunned by how attractive he was sometimes and couldn’t find my words, “The Shrieking Shack?” Was the first brilliant thing that came to mind. Great, I’ll take him to a haunted house his first time to Hogsmeade. That’ll be memorable. I cursed myself to coming up with such a dumb suggestion.

Within twenty minutes, I found myself just next to the fence keeping people out of the Shrieking Shack property. It was a pathetic excuse for a fence too, fashioned out of thin poles of rusted metal, stretching about fifteen feet high. It was also extremely crooked, making it seem as though it had either been there for decades, or the person who owned the property used the most inadequate materials to build it.

However, there was something about the Shrieking Shack that was tragically romantic. I loved the solitude of it, perched atop a large hill overlooking the rest of Hogsmeade. The dense woods surrounding the place gave the me the feeling that Julien and I were the only two that existed. Just us and the Shack. I especially loved the spot in the winter, when everything was blanketed in a thick layer of snow, it was a frozen haven of seclusion. At night, when one looked down upon the little village, it glowed in the darkness, like a warm beacon. I admit to having snuck out of the castle at night to have such a view of the world. There was an irony in my attachment to that little light that penetrated the darkness. It had an odd tang of familiarity.

But this trip to the Shrieking Shack was different than any other I’d had. This time I wasn’t alone. And this time, I felt myself pressed against the questionable fencing, Julien’s lips fastened to mine. There was nothing really wrong with this, I enjoyed kissing Julien. But it had a peculiar sort of feeling, snogging in front of the Shrieking Shack. It felt almost as though I were purposely making out with Julien to make someone jealous. It was ridiculous though, feeling like I was cheating on the Shack. However, I couldn’t help but blush after Julien pulled back for air and I looked back towards the building, feeling sheepish and though I was an errant teenager, finally caught in the act by a parent.

What the hell was wrong with me?

This wasn’t the only time when I had felt like this though. This sensation of slight humiliation overcame me whenever Severus and Regulus happened across my path while I was with Julien. They never looked at me nor acknowledged my presence, but every time they passed I bent my head down, granting my shame. I agreed with them that the mechanics weren’t right. That Julien wasn’t right for me...

But that was even more preposterous! Julien was amazing and I loved to be with him. He was exactly right for me and it shouldn’t have mattered what anyone else thought. Snape and Regulus were just jealous that I wasn’t talking to them anymore and their guilt-tripping me was stupid. My embarrassment certainly came from the fact that I wasn’t used to having a boyfriend, that I wasn’t used to kissing anyone and that I’d never really been in the public eye.

And again, I was flattened against the fence with Julien’s mouth on mine. I was a little frustrated at this, I wanted a conversation with him about the Shack; I was going to tell him all my late-night trips and all the little secrets that went along. He seemed to have another idea. He was hungry, his lips frantically claiming any area of bare skin. His hot breath was all over my face and I felt slightly claustrophobic, needing my own space for a moment. I pushed on his shoulders a little bit to let him know. He mistook my intentions. Instead, he found this as an invitation and began to run his hands anywhere they could reach on my body.

I let him.

I figured that he would get bored very soon and stop, so I let him have his fun. I was wearing clothes, what did it matter? His mouth moved to my neck (my secret favorite) and my mouth was finally free, but I made no attempt to verbally stop him. Honestly, he’d get bored in a second.

But then, his hands found my chest.
Yeah, no. Not gonna happen.

“Okay, that’s enough.” This time, I made an effort as I pushed him off of me. He was taken aback, I noticed, as he slightly stumbled on the rocky path we were on.
“What?” He said, obviously dazed. I didn’t want to be mean or yell at him. Clearly, it had been a misconception that the both of us were not thinking the same thing.
“I have to meet my sister soon.” I explained, knowing this whole time that Lucida needed to see me and Julien was severely getting me off track.
“Oh,” He said, scratching the back of his neck. I nodded.
“Yeah...I think there’s something going on, so its probably best that you don’t come along.”

I found that I was already backing away from him down the path leading to the village. He still stood, stunned that things weren’t going his direction.

“Maybe you’ll meet some of your friends at the other shops. I trust you’ll figure you’re way around. Bye.”

By the time I’d given my departure respects to him, I was so far down the path, I couldn’t even see him.


 

~*~*~*~*~




“What took you so long?”

I never much liked the Hog’s Head. One could find a strange assortment of creatures lurking in its grimy confines. The abundance of hags, goblins, men speaking in strange languages (which I thought to be Mermish) and a being I recognized to be a vampire, their presence made me uncomfortable. It was hard enough for me to trust humans, other creatures were even worse. However, the pub itself was also eerie. It seriously looked as though it hadn’t had a proper scrubbing in half a century and it faintly smelled like goat. I solved the latter issue when I did, in fact, find a goat tethered to the side of the bar, attempting to take a chunk out of a stool’s leg. The lone barman had a sinister factor as well, his pale eyes penetrating me as I walked into the pub. Clearly, he wasn’t used to seeing humans in his establishment.

It didn’t take me long to find Lucida, sitting in a worn booth with two butterbeers in front of her, tapping her nails on the table as she impatiently waited for me. I sat across from her and eyed the filthy mug of liquid with much trepidation and disgust.

“Boyfriend troubles.” Was my short reply, earning raised eyebrows from Lucida. She then smirked, forgetting whatever her problem was momentarily and seizing the opportunity to waste time on me.
“Since when did you have a boyfriend, Capella Aranea Black?” I rolled my eyes, tentatively taking a sip of my drink and grimacing at the grainy consistency.
“That’s not what we’re here for. And besides, you never asked. You could write me, you know.”

Lucida went quiet at this, recalling exactly why she had ordered me here. Her light emerald eyes turned downward, seeming as though she were studying the table, but I knew differently. I waited for a moment, giving her time to confess whatever she’d done now, though I itched to be in on the secret. It was easy to assume that it was a secret too; we were in the most subdued pub in Hogsmeade and her letter had made it seem as though she’d scribbled the words in haste. I shifted my weight nervously, tapping my foot as I waited in agony.

“You’re going to think I’ve absolutely lost it, you know.” My sister finally admitted, running a hand through her long tresses of milk chocolate. I gave her a slight smile; it wasn’t often that I came in contact with someone who truly valued my opinion. I had a momentary mental picture of Julien’s hungry eyes, but it soon disappeared.
“Probably,” I joked, making her give a tense giggle, “but you’re my sister, so I have to love you anyway.”
“Wish Porrima would think the same way.”

It was with this cynical comment that I knew what Lucida was going to say. Well, that is to say, I knew that it was going to be pretty bad. I didn’t know everything, but by her tone and the way she spat our mother’s name, I knew whatever she had done would change our family. Probably forever too. Which was exactly why her next words didn’t surprise me at all:
“I’m leaving, Cappy. I’m moving out and leaving our family.” Her voice quavered but not with tears. Lucida’s voice held so much conviction that goosebumps erupted on my flesh. I was almost afraid to inquire about what had made her come to this conclusion. But I felt my heart drop at the very thought of my sister running away.

No less than three minutes of complete silence had passed that Lucida finally broke the barrier. She laughed, reaching across the table and taking my hand.
“You look so scared.” She commented, smiling. I couldn’t find the fortitude to return the favor.
“What did you do?” I demanded. Lucida grinned even wider.
“I got myself knocked up.”
“WHAT?!”

The entire pub went silent, that is, if it could have gotten any quieter. I was in shock, to put it nicely. My sister? My older, nonsensical, naïve sister was pregnant? No words felt right on my tongue and I immediately thought she was joking. But when I locked my eyes with hers I found no lie within them.
“You’re pregnant.” It was a statement and I practically spat the word. She nodded, her eyes softening and then she added (rather proudly):
“He’s a Muggle.”

I could have fainted.

“I met him one day at a café in London. He was visiting friends and we got along really well. We’ve been seeing each other secretly for months. He’s French too.” She added on the last part with a giggle, much like a schoolgirl. I was still having difficulty not vomiting.

I felt my world shift in that moment, and I thought it was going to begin tumbling down around me. My sister was pregnant and running away. Surely my parents would disown her (well, Porrima would and Dad would probably just go along for the ride). I was going to be stuck with them for the rest of my life, becoming the Regulus to Lucida’s Sirius. Were there always so many nuts in one family? So many rebellious nuts, at that! My head was spinning and my vision was becoming blurry.

But regardless of my sister’s aberrant doings and my family’s close-mindedness, I felt utterly alone. Lucida was the closest friend I’d ever had, the only friend, and I loved her to death. How could she do this to me? How could she be so selfish and just up and leave me with our insane relatives? I felt crushed, as though I were in a dark space and the walls were closing in on me. I could see no way out and there was no way out. She was still sitting in front of me and yet I’d never felt more alone in my entire life.

That was when I realized that my blurry vision was because I was crying.
And pride be damned, I wasn’t about to be passive to this.

“How could you do this to me?” It wasn’t long before my tears were running down my face, hot and salty. Lucida’s smile saddened and she gripped my hand, changing booths so she was right next to me. I’d never felt as safe as when I was in my sister’s comforting embrace. And even though I hated her in that moment, I couldn’t help but need her presence.
“Its okay, Cappy.” She murmured in my ear but I was getting hysterical.
“No its not! You can’t leave me! You can’t leave me with these crazy people!” People in the pub were now blatantly staring as I threw a tantrum like a three-year-old, “How could you?” I looked up at her, but her face was blurred and I truly felt like a child, desperately grasping onto their security blanket. Lucida had always been that for me, my comfort.

But the underlying emotion I soon realized I had was jealously. She was lucky, getting out of the grasp of my mother and her insane tendencies. Now Porrima was going to be twice as bad for me. I couldn’t wait for the day when I could just run away like Lucida was doing. I was proud of her for getting out, but so selfishly in need of her aura.

She wiped the tears from my face with her thumbs, making ‘shh’ing sounds to get me to calm down. It worked a little; I was no longer sobbing like a baby. But I now felt utterly helpless.
“Its alright,” She pulled me closer, resting her chin atop my head, “You don’t have to see them if you don’t want. You’re in your last year of school; you don’t ever have to go back home.” But I shook my head.
“I have nowhere else to go.” She shrugged, smiling.
“Live with us in Nice. We’re eloping in a few days” I coughed a laugh, roughly rubbing my face of all liquid.

And then I looked at her, like really looked at her. Lucida was absolutely radiant, more so than I could ever recall. She looked happy, positively glowing in this new found love and child. Clearly this Muggle Frenchman was good for her. Even if he was the epitome of the ‘enemy’. Not only was he a Muggle, he was French too. Porrima was going to have an aneurysm when she found out...

I liked him already.

I was being selfish and I knew it. I was happy for her, truly I was. And it was physically impossible to hate her, no matter what she did.

“Alright, alright...” I finally decided, now leaning my head on my sister’s shoulder, “You have my endorsement.”

Lucida looked, if possible, even more thrilled.

“But you better name this kid after me.”

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