Delusion

"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself."



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9. 6

 

Chapter Six

     The week passes, and just as he had told me, Harry left to go back on tour again. I never saw him after Thursday and the whole ordeal in my living room. As much as I wanted to stay angry at him, I couldn't. The boy went to see a psychologist for me and almost told my parents about my situation. He cared. And for that, I regretted overreacting and not saying goodbye to him. Who knows when the next time I will see him is or even if there will be a next time? Oddly enough, I missed him, yet tried my best to push any feelings towards him away.

     I slide on my blue jeans, before taking another look in my mirror. I grunt at my reflection, not liking what I see, once again. Walking halfway into my mom's room, I tell her that I'll wait in the car, before quickly heading down the stairs. Unfortunately, spring break was over and it was time to go back to school. And right now, going to school seemed to be the least of my priorities. 

     "Did you eat breakfast?" my mom asks me, once she sits in the car.

     "Yup," I lie, looking down at my lap and feeling my stomach lowly growl.

     "Haven," my mom says, as she begins to drive, "if there is anything going on, please tell me."

     "There isn't," I say with a shrug, that I hope looks casual. With that said, my mom purses her lips and the drive to school stays quiet, void of any conversations. 

     When I get to school, I find my friends at our usual hang out spot talking to each other in excitement. Once catching my eye, Chelsea runs over to me and engulfs me in a hug. "I missed you so much!" she says before giving me a look over, "Have you lost weight?"

     "Haven! How was your break?" Ava asks me next while giving me a hug also. 

     "Wow! We haven't seen you for two weeks and you already look like a whole new person. You look amazing!" Samantha says next. 

     "I know right?" Chelsea says in amazement, "What's your secret?" she asks me suddenly, turning to look at me. 

     Not knowing what to give as an answer to her question, I try to laugh it off and look down. Hoping to change the subject, I look back up at them and say, "I missed you guys a lot."

    "Aw, us too Have, but maybe if you replied to our texts these past few days, you wouldn't have to miss us too much!" Samantha says, with an accusing expression on her face.

     "Yeah seriously, where have you been? I feel like I haven't spoken to you in months!" Ava adds on, giving me a light and playful push.

     Right when I'm about to answer back with a lame excuse, the bell rings, saving me from a moment I was hoping would come later on and not so soon. We all walk off to our own classes, which gives me time to think about what to tell them if they ask again. For some reason, telling them about Harry would seem like too much and I doubt they would have even believed me. Besides, it didn't even seem like a big deal anymore. After all, just like everyone else or everything in my life, he was gone too. 

***

     "I can't believe they gave us homework on the first day back!" Chelsea yells, as we walk out of the school doors.

     "Who cares? We're seniors anyways, and we've already been accepted into the college we all hoped for," Ava replies in a hopeful attempt to calm Chelsea down.

     "Doesn't matter, they can take away our acceptance if we do bad anyways. God, I just feel like this never ends!" she groans out, throwing her head back  and arms in the air.

     While Chelsea may have not taken the homework as a good thing, I always did. It took my mind off things and preoccupied most of my time, and in turn, I barely had enough time to eat. "Haven do you need a ride home?" Ava asks me, as they all get into her red Jeep Wrangler. 

     Looking up at the sky and the streets down further, I decide to walk instead. "No, thanks. I've got it from here," I smile at them, refusing her offer.

     "Are you sure? Seems like a pretty long way."

     "It isn't. Don't worry, I'll be fine," I tell her before giving them a wave and walking off. I don't dare look back at them because I know they're probably suspecting something is up. Before all of this happened and before I even cared about getting the least of exercise to burn calories, I always caught a ride with Ava home. The walk home was a long way, but at least this way, I'd be on my way home and on the way to losing more weight. Losing the weight always led to partial happiness for a short while, and even if that was all I was going to get, I'd take it. 

     I get home about an hour later, which was enough time to let me think about everything lately -and Harry. Feeling weak and tired, my stomach growls loudly, as I walk inside the house and catch the smell of the dinner my mom has cooked. The scent of pasta, cheese, and mushrooms waft over to my nose, making my stomach growl even more. Hoping my mom doesn't see me, I muster all the energy I have left in me and try to quickly walk up the stairs. "There you are!" my mom exclaims. "Where have you been?"

     "I walked home," I shrug. 

     "Don't do that again," my mom says, pointing her finger at me and raising her eyebrows. "We need to get you your license," she mutters to herself as she walks back into the kitchen. Having my license would be nice, especially since I was going to go to college soon. However, I failed the first time and after everything that had been going on lately with my eating, taking my driver's test was the least of my worries. "Food will be ready soon!" my mom calls from the kitchen.

     Turning to continue walking up the stairs, my sister runs down, probably excited to eat dinner. Looking over my shoulder at her, I sigh in disappointment at myself, wishing I could go back to the time when I was as careless as her about the things I ate. Or to at least make things easier, I wish I could eat without fearing the bite I took soon after. "Where are you going? Aren't you going to eat dinner?" my sister asks, standing at the bottom of the stairs.

     "Nah, not hungry. Tell mom I just ate at school." Everything about that reply was a lie and as bad of a liar I am, or was, my sister thankfully believed me. Maybe I used to be a bad liar, but constantly lying about the food you ate before or making up excuses to not eat makes it easier to lie; you get better at it.

     "But, it's pasta. Your favorite kind too. Mom made it just for you," my sister says, probably trying to get me to eat. Though, even if we were really close, she didn't know anything about my problem or current situation. Maybe she too saw what was happening to me. Maybe after all this time, she finally noticed something was wrong and would tell my mom to find me some help. Maybe I could finally get out of this. "Fine, suit yourself," she shrugs and continues to quickly walk to the kitchen. And just like that, all hopes of recovery are gone. The voices in my head laugh at me in mockery, while I try hard not to stand there frozen like a statue, with my mouth open in shock and despair.

     With all the energy I have left in me, I run to my room and slam the door shut on my way. Walking to my bed, I hopelessly fall and let all the tears I've held in from the past week out. I cry about the food I can't eat anymore, and the thoughts that don't leave me. I cry because no one ever notices what's happening to me, while they comfortably and carelessly live their lives. I cry because nothing seems worth it anymore and life feels like a huge dreadful task that I have no motivation left for. But most importantly, I cry because I wish Harry was here with me again; because out of all the people, he was the only one who seemed to care or see that I was breaking inside. He was the only one who saw that I wasn't okay, and with the only person that cared now gone, I knew I wouldn't be for a long time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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