Delusion

"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself."



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5. 2

 

Chapter Two

     After giving it some thought, I decide to text Harry the next day instead of actually eating food. This way I will be kept busy and not have to take in extra calories. With a sudden grown confidence, I finally press send for the short text that I typed out: 'Hey Harry, it's me Haven :)'.The insecure part of me withers away in fear, thinking that he won't text back and my snarly subconscious keeps reminding me he won't. I try to shut out the thoughts in my head, hoping to block them out with anything. My killing thoughts are finally quieted down when I hear a familiar beeping sound. 

    'I was beginning to think you were never going to text me,' the text reads.

    I can't stop the small flutter of my heart nor can I help grinning like a fool. The thought that Harry might have thought about me sets a sort of excitement in my belly. Harry and I text back and forth for a while before he asks me too meet him somewhere. We decide to meet at the Starbucks close to my house, where no one will really see us. At four o'clock, I get dressed in black pants with a spaghetti strapped, red tank top and a black cardigan. 

    "Mom!" I call while walking down the stairs and into the living room. "Can you drop me off at Starbucks please?"

    "Why? Who are you meeting up with?" she asks.

    "Harry," I say, turning to walk out the door. A few minutes later she walks out of the house and gets in the car. 

    She looks at me oddly before speaking. "If you told me you were seeing Harry a few months ago, I'd laugh at you and think you were crazy," she says, shaking her head and starting the car
to back out of the driveway. 

    The drive takes no more than ten minutes, and during the short ride, my mother pesters me constantly with little questions. "Do you have your phone? Do you have enough money? What time 
should I pick you up? Are you sure you want to wear a jacket?" Then she moves the conversation to going over the same things she tells me every time I go out: be safe, don't talk to strangers,
answer all my calls. When I see the familiar green logo of Starbucks, I breathe out a sigh of relief and anticipation. 

    "Are you sure you're going to be okay alone? Is he here yet?" she asks me once again, as she parks on the curb.

     "Yes mom, I'll be fine, and he's here. Stop worrying, I'll call you later," I reassure her. I give her a kiss on the cheek like always and exit the car. When I walk into the  all too familiar coffee shop, the scent of it's delicious drinks and pastries waft on over to my nostrils and hit me. I haven't eaten anything all day, except for the piece of gum I am now chewing. I shake my head from thoughts of food and try to look for Harry. After five minutes of looking around the small coffee shop, I start to feel embarrassed and begin to think that maybe he lied. That is until, I feel something light hit me. I turn around and spot the thrower sitting at the booth all the way in the back.    

     I smile at the curly haired boy wearing Ray Bans in front of me and walk up over to him. "Hey," I say, a little nervous and sit down in the chair in front of him.

    "Glad you could make it," he says in his deep voice, taking off his sunglasses. 

    I roll my eyes at him before looking over him. "You know, you're actually quite noticeable."

    "As in?" he quirks his eyebrows.

    "As in, I would know you're Harry Styles if I looked inside the window from outside," I say with a smile, earning one back from him as well.

    "Is that why it took you more than five minutes to notice me?" he says, as he raises his eyebrow and puts his elbows on the table to lean in closer. 

    "I did not!" I scoff. 

    He shakes his head with a smile before tousling his hair and pushing it back and says, "So, what should I get you to drink?" 

    I look up at him, slightly shocked, not wanting to tell him my order. "It's okay, I'll go get them for u-" I start to say, but he cuts me off.

    "No, I wanted to hang out so I'll buy."

    "Fine," I give in, "I'll just have a hot Green Tea, please." I order the tea instead of the Skinny Iced Vanilla Latte I usually get, embarrassed for him to find out that I get my drink skinny because of it having less calories. Anyways, the tea is zero calories, which should be more than fine for only having that so far. I can at least have dinner this way.

    He nods slowly before walking away to get our drinks. While he stands in line, I can't help but look at him. His white t-shirt suits him well, hugging his body, and showing off his arm 
muscles and visible tattoos. His black shorts fit him nicely, giving him a typical summer Cali look. When he comes back, he hands me my drink and smiles at me before sitting down
in his seat.

    "Thanks," I say and take a sip. It doesn't have much of a taste besides warm water. I don't even like tea that much. 

    "So Haven, tell me about yourself," he smirks.

    "What is there to say?"

    "What's your favorite food?" he says, quirking up an eyebrow.

    "Food?" I ask, mindlessly chewing on my straw.

    "Yeah, food. You know, the thing we eat, mostly three times a day. The thing that gives us energy and keeps us healthy? The thing that tastes so good sometimes that you want more, even if you're full. You know that feeling right?"

    "Of course I do! What are you trying to say?" I scoff, rolling my eyes.

    "Nothing, just thought for a second that you might have forgotten what food is," he shrugs innocently.

    "Well," I start to say, holding my chin in my hand and leaning on my left elbow, "I love pasta," I start to list. "I like burgers, hot dogs, mm they're my favorite. Oh! And I can't forget about
chocolate and dessert. I love anything sweet mostly, especially if it's extra chocolaty," I finish off with a growing smile on my face. My stomach growls at the thought of all the food I just listed and I sit their hoping he didn't hear it.

    Instead of noticing my growling stomach, he looks at me with a grin. "That sounds good. I like tacos." I can't help the smile that spreads on my face and try to hold my laughter back because
of his simple statement. "What's so funny?" he asks with his own smile, which he tries to hold back.

    I shrug before answering with a small laugh, "You."

    When he doesn't say anything back and I just continue to laugh at him quietly, I look up to see him staring at me. I force a small cough, and look away, hoping my cheeks will not redden. 

    "You have a nice smile," he says, still staring at me. I try not to blush at his words and reply back calmly.

    Trying to be nonchalant at his compliment, I say, "Well, at least the braces worked," with a small smile.

    "So what else? C'mon, tell me more about yourself; I'm interested," he says, waving his hands in the air as his elbows lean on the table.

    I raise my eyebrows and look at him before replying. "I find it hard to believe that someone as famous as you, could possibly be interested in my boring life and in someone as ordinary as me."

    "Why? Scared that someone might actually like you?" he asks looking at me strangely.

    "S-scared?" I ask, crossing my arms. "I'm not scared of anything," I reply back, crossing my arms and raising my chin up.

    "I'm scared of roller coasters. There's got to be something you're scared of."

    "It's bad to tell others what your fears are," I tell him with a small smirk.

    "And why is that?"

    "Because all of our fears have to do with death," I sigh. "You're probably scared of roller coasters because if you fall from them or if they break somehow, you will die. And who wants to die right?" I say rolling my eyes. I wouldn't mind, but others certainly would. They see a kind of good in life that I can never see; something that makes their lives worth living.

    "Actually, it was more of the loops, but go ahead," he smirks.

     I look at him with a smile and continue, "So, if I tell you my fears, that would make me weak;  exposed."

    "Hmm," he voices out, giving me a strange look as if he just saw something in me, "I never saw it that way." He points his finger at me lazily and says with a laughing smile, "I hope you never
use my fear against me." But a minute later, his face goes serious as he looks into my eyes and says, "But I would never use your fears against you. You can trust me," he finishes off saying.
He gives me an inviting smile that is almost enough to make me spill my secrets, but I just stick to telling him my fears instead.

    "Okay," I sigh and think for a while, tapping my chin with my fingers, before beginning on my second list. "I'm scared of...heights, spiders, especially the big ones," I cringe as I say.

    "Go on," he grins, amused.

    "I'm scared of...sharks, snakes, thunderstorms," I continue. "But what I'm most scared of are the abstract things, like my future. I'm scared of not knowing what to do in my future, I'm 
scared of rejection, loneliness, of not being enough, of getting too close and being attached to someone - they always end up leaving - and," I look up at him before continuing, "I'm scared of 
falling in love." I take a drink of my tea and look at him, waiting for him to say something.

    "Why those?" he asks me. 

    "Why what?" I ask back.

    "Why are you scared of the abstract parts of life?"

    "Because heights might lead to death to someone, but those are my ways of dying, and I don't want to feel that kind of pain. I'd much rather feel the exhilarating rush of falling from a cliff, 
knowing that it's my time, than slowly withering away with my thoughts alone at night in pain," I whisper, looking at the table.

    He scans my face with his eyes before quietly saying, "I'll make your fears go away."

    "What?" I smile questioningly, narrowing my eyes.

    "I'll make them go away. Spend time with me and you won't even remember what you were scared of before," he smiles.

    "And how are you so sure that they're going to go away?" I ask, uncertain about this, but amused nonetheless.

    "Spend time with me and I'll show you," he insists again.

    "Okay," I grin at him. "Under one condition," I say raising my point finger. He raises his eyebrow in reply, urging me to continue. "Make me laugh by the end of today, and I will." As I say this, I hope he takes the request so I can forget about everything bothering me.

    "Got it," he says with a confident grin, leaving me smiling at him. I shake my head slowly with a smile, wondering for about the hundredth time probably, about how I got myself in this 
situation and how amazing Harry Styles actually was. 

***

    Once again, I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to quiet down my laughs and try to hold in my pee, as I nearly fall off of my chair. "Stop it, stop it!" I yell at him, waving my hands. 

    Harry definitely did not fail at making me laugh with stories of the boys, Niall farting, and how he always tripped on stage and tried to hide it or walk it off. The string of stories were never ending, making me realize just how much time they spent with each other and how much fun they had doing it. They made memories that would make anyone want to hear about and I'm glad I did. 

    "Alright, alright," he says, finally shutting up, and allowing me to stop laughing. 

    The buzzing of my phone catches my attention and I look to see that my mom has sent me a text asking me when she should pick me up. I look at the time and when I see the time is eight, I am still slightly surprised to see it is dark outside. "Wow," I say, as I take a look around Starbucks.

    "What's wrong?"

    "We're the only ones here, well apart from the workers and that man," I say looking at them and then back at him. "Anyways, I have to go soon," I say in a low voice.

    "Is your mom here?" he asks, looking outside.

    "No, I still have to tell her to come pick me up."

    "I could drop you off if you want." His suggestion catches me off guard, but I manage to speak before I freeze in my seat. 

    "I don't want to bother you."

    "It's no big deal," he says, giving me a smile. "C'mon."

    "Okay, thanks." We both stand up and pick up our trash to throw away on our way out. The sun is setting, making the sky a purple blue. I'm surprised to see that there are no paparazzi's around the area, but probably because he parked at such a far and hidden place. He leads me to the back where a shiny, black car is parked and hidden by surrounding trees. "I never knew you drove here in the states."

     "Pretty fun, driving on the other side of the car," he says with a small chuckle to himself, making me laugh quietly at him even more.

     I give Harry my address and the ride to my house is filled with nothing but the low sound of the radio and Harry's endless chatter. Oddly enough, I found it easy to talk to him, which was a relief. Awkward silences and casual, bullshit conversations did not top my list of favorites.

    When he parks his car in front my house, he looks at me and says, "I had fun."

    "Me too," I say with a smile I can't hold back. 

    "So, I'll uh, see you on" he drags out, while looking mindlessly in space, as if he's looking at a calendar. "Wednesday?" He turns to look at me with a cheeky smile. 

    "What?" I ask, slightly taken back.

    "I made you laugh," he nods slowly, as he looks at me, "Multiple times, if I say so," he grins.

    I laugh at him weakly, feeling the tiredness kick in, before nodding an 'Okay' with a smile.

    "You seem tired," he says looking at me with narrowed eyes.

    I give a small smile and say, "I'm always tired." He looks at me oddly after my simple remark and I make sure to change the subject. "Wednesday then," I smile, as I open the car door.

    I turn to look at him one last time before closing the car door. "Wednesday," he smiles in the dark. 

    As I walk in the door, I hear his car drive away, leaving me wonderfully confused. I can hear my mom yelling from the kitchen, calling for me, but my mind is hazy with other thoughts and sleep is getting to me. Yet for once in a long time, I was able to smile a real smile, and for once, the thoughts in my head were quieted down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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