Delusion

"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself."



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13. 10

 

Chapter Ten

     Taking a deep breath, I step onto the black scale in my bathroom. After convincing myself to open my eyes, I read the number 95 tauntingly staring back at me. I can feel my heart swell up as if the boy I love has just told me I'm  beautiful; I can feel the elation and happiness wash over me quickly. Feeling incredibly happy, I want to jump and run around and squeal in excitement. Everything was working out; I was finally losing it all. 

    Stepping off the scale, I happily walk back into my room. Today was our last graduation rehearsal, meaning tomorrow was our graduation. We were in the second week of June now. Summer getting closer, the heat getting stronger, and everyone even more ready to graduate. Four years of high school and one day left, never to see half these people ever again. I put on my white flats and step out of my room in a rush to make it on time for the rehearsal. 

    During rehearsal, the whole senior grade is scattered off into their own cliques on the football field, talking to their friends. I walk across the field to reach my friends, the sunlight almost blocking my vision. I can feel the heat hitting my back and automatically wish to feel wind for some coolness. "Hey guys," I sigh. 

   "God, I can't wait to go home," Samantha says. 

   "It's too hot!" Ava complains. "Y'all wanna come over and swim afterwards." 

    "Yes! Is it okay with your parents?" Chelsea asks, looking ready to jump in a pool any second now.

    "Yeah, they'd be fine with it," Ava waves it off with a shrug. 

    "But I don't have my swimsuit," I say. Chelsea and Samantha both look down and agree, as they realize that they don't have their swimsuits either. 

    "You guys can just borrow some of mine. I have more than enough, trust me," Ava giggles. The girls all excitedly start planning what to do and eat, when they reach Ava's house. I, however, stand alongside them in silence, thinking how I'm going to eat comfortably and how the hell Ava's swimsuit is going to fit me.

     "Everyone get in their places!" The head of the office yells in the football field with her megaphone. "Just like yesterday, come on, move it!"

    We all run to our places and start the rehearsal that we've memorized by now. The familiar and over repeated tune of the graduation song starts to play, as each of us start to walk in a line towards the center of the field. I walk numbly, not really aware of anything that is happening, but already over thinking about what's going to happen later on today. 

***

     "Alright, here are the bikinis I have," Ava says, throwing the pile of colorful and different styled swimsuits on her bed. 

     "Ooh, I want this one!" Chelsea says, picking out a ruffled, purple bikini. Looking through the pile, I try to find something that would fit me comfortably and not be too big. I end up finding a white, knitted looking, crochet bikini. I was pretty confident it would fit nicely.

     While changing into the bikini, I realize that it slips onto me perfectly. I look at myself in the mirror only to love the reflection I see. Nothing ever seemed worth it until now. This is what I wanted. This is how I wanted to look: small and tiny; skinny and thin. I shyly walk out of the bathroom, hoping not to attract anyone's attention. 

     "Damn Haven! That gym work out worked did you wonders!" Chelsea bursts out. Samantha nods next to her excitedly. Little did they know. 

     "Oh my gosh, Haven! That hasn't fit me in forever. Last time it fit was three years ago," Ava says, "It looks so nice on you, you should keep it!" 

      "Thanks guys," I say with a giggle, feeling like it's the first time I've been this happy - well, ever since him. "Ava, you should keep it. Maybe you'll fit into it again."

      "Never happening. Keep it, trust me. It looks ten times better on you than it ever did on me."

       On the count of three, we all jump into the pool together, feeling like ten year old children again. The ice cold water hits us, leaving each of us in content as we cool off in the water. 

       "Are any of you going somewhere for the summer?" Samantha asks, while we swim around. 

       "Yupp. I'm going to some places in Europe," Chelsea says. 

       "Barcelona," Ava replies. 

       "What about you Haven?" Samantha asks. 

       "No, we haven't planned to go anywhere," I say, almost disappointed, floating on my back. 

       "Me neither," Samantha sighs. "But I'm trying to convince my parents to buy me plane tickets to France as my graduation gift. Imagine how nice it would be eating macarons, while sitting in front of the Eiffel Tower." We all laugh at her imagination, with our own dream places in our minds.

      I decide to tan for a while before the sun goes away for the day. Lying down on my back, I scroll through my Twitter, trying my best to avoid the update accounts, which becomes impossible to do. Three words catch my eyes like a magnet. I scroll up and read them carefully, only to look up, with my heart beating against my chest violently like a drum. "Harry's in LA?" I ask.

   "Yeah. Didn't you know?" Chelsea scoffs. "They're all in the U.S actually." 

   "Why?" I ask, feeling lost and out of touch with my favorite band. 

   "Their next concert is in Mexico. They have a week off for break though, which is why I'm guessing Harry decided to come to LA. He arrived early in the morning today."

    "Oh," I mutter. What do I do now? Was this where I would text him and say that I wanted to try being friends again, or did I leave him alone to completely never see him ever again. 

   "Who wants some pizza?" Ava asks, getting out of the pool. 

   My attention is quickly diverted away from my phone, all thoughts about Harry gone. "Um, can I just have some water please?" 

  "Sure," Ava shrugs. Even though her tone sounded careless, I caught her narrowing her eyes at me in a questioning way. This only meant that Ava would soon figure things out. I couldn't tell if that was a good or bad thing, but I wasn't about to let my thoughts and worries ruin my day. I quickly drop my phone on the tanning chair and jump in the pool, letting the ice cold water take away all my thoughts of food, Harry, and the future. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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