My Hopeless Hope - A One Direction FANFICTION

Three years after her family tragedy, Jamie battles more than her own guilt. With no one to fall on but her abusive boyfriend, her problems get worse. After she escapes, will she find someone to protect her? Or will her boyfriend find a way to snake her way back into her life? (Based off of One Direction) WARNING: Contains self harm, eating disorder, language, and cases of rape.


18. Mouthwash

Jamie POV

"Ella?" My hand on the doorknob tightened as I took in her beautiful features, grinding my teeth in understanding of why Niall obviously chose her. She was completely startled, jumping up to stand, timidly before me. Her teary eyes soon met my glare. "I almost feel bad for you." I spit, watching as she sunk in further into herself. I scoffed as I watched her body tremble, completely put off by my anger. I shook my head before turning to leave when her fearful voice caught my ears. "I didn't know." She whispered. I stopped, waiting to see if she would continue. "I promise I didn't know. I didn't know he had moved on. I should have figured as much. I have spent so much time waiting, and I had hoped.." Her voice faded out and I turned back to face her. She played with her nails, her eyes resting on the floor, making it clear she was trying to hold back tears.

I sighed, rubbing my head as I thought of what I wanted to do. "Are you alright?" I asked, lifting my eyes to find her obviously taken aback by my question. She adverted her gaze back to the toilet before nodding. "Mouthwash is in the cupboard." I added as I started shutting the door. "Jamie?" I creaked the door back open a few inches. "Can we just, erm, could you not, I mean, keep this between us." She fumbled over her words and I felt my hand clench at what she was asking. "I won't be talking to Niall anytime soon, so don't worry." She slowly nodded her head then, eyes still glued on the floor.

"Jamie, you alright?" I looked up to see Harry walking towards me. "Just fine." I remarked starting to close the door before his large hand caught it. He gave me a questioning look before dragging his eyes to the figure still in the bathroom. "Ella?" His brows furrowed, looking from her back to me. "What-" He froze, nose crinkling at the acidic smell of vomit that wafted through the air. "Oh, are you sick?" Her eyes grew wide, looking helplessly at me. "I, uhm, no. Well yes, but.." She stumbled carelessly over her words and I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing at her clear panic. "I can't eat carrots. I'm allergic! A-and meat. I'm actually a vegetarian!"

Harry took a step back, almost frightened by her loud babbling. I giggled at her lame lies, knowing she must have never been in a situation like this before. I touched Harry's arm so his focus came back to me. "The food didn't settle well with her. She just didn't want to offend anyone. She's polite like that." He nodded and gave her a small sympathetic smile, though his eyes were still wide from her outburst. "H-hope you feel better." He said nervously before walking back to the kitchen. I turned back to her, watching as she shakily smoothed down her clothing. "You didn't have to do that." She murmured, before quietly sniffling and ducking her head so her hair hid her face. "Why are you crying?" I asked, fiddling with my hands at the awkward situation. Sniffling again, her long fingers brushed over her eyes. "Because I-I'm humiliated!" Her voice shook as she struggled to catch her breath. "I don't understand. I don't understand why you helped me. You should hate me for what I did. Not-not help me!" She let out a sob, her hands covering her flushed face again while she cried.

I sighed, drained of the entire situation that was taking place. Reaching over, I pulled a tissue up from the box and moved to the sink to wet it. I silently removed her hands from her face, pulling her chin upwards to wipe away the dark mascara streaks. "Stop crying." I muttered, watching as she harshly bit her lip, trying to pull herself together. I grabbed another tissue to wipe away the droplets on her face and hair from getting sick, making sure she looked somewhat normal before leaving the bathroom. My stomach twisted as I thought back to when the boys took care of me. Did I look this broken and fragile? She shook underneath my touch, as if she was scared of what I was going to say or do next. Tossing the tissue into the trash, I sat down on the edge of the tub, putting my hands in between my legs.

"Look, this isn't your fault and I'm sorry if I made it out to be that way." She nodded her head, trying to speak but I quickly cut her off with a wave of my hand. "You didn't know. I get it. I just.. This is a lot for me to handle." I dropped my head into my hands, swallowing back the tears that threatened to spill over. "He told me he loved me today, before you came here. Did you know that? He loved me. And as soon as you walked through the door, he didn't give me a second glance, like I…like we meant nothing." I took a deep breath, quietly sniffling before letting a cynical laughter leave my lips. "I was never you, Ella. I was so fucking stupid to ever think I was ever even good enough to be what he needed. It's always been you. But just please.." My lip quivered, making it hard to talk, so I quickly tucked it in between my teeth. I could still feel her looming over me, uncertain of what to do.

Suddenly, a loud rasp on the door made both of us jump. "Ella? Yeh okay?" His Irish accent sent pain through my heart, knowing he no longer cared for me- knowing maybe he never did. I looked back at her, surprised to see tears cascading down her face, sadness clearly evident in her eyes. She hesitantly crouched down to squeeze my hand before adverting her gaze and standing to walk to the door. She quickly wiped her face and slipped out, the door only opening enough for her to fit through. I shut my eyes against the sound of his chuckle and the popping of their lips after they kissed. "I was worried about ya." He stated lowly, his voice fading as they walked through the hallway. "Where did you go anyhow?"

I sank to the floor, putting my head on my knees. Why am I never good enough? Why wasn't I good enough for you? I sobbed, my fingernails raking down the sides of my sweatpants in a need to feel something, anything. It wasn't enough. Never enough. Opening the bottom drawer, I quickly found what I needed, and before long was holding the light metal in between my fingertips. Pushing at my sleeve, I unwrapped my bandage, slicing at the scarred skin when Harry's words hit me like a ton of bricks.
I promised.
I desperately clutched at my wrist, trying to make the blood disappear. "Shit." I cussed as I pressed a tissue onto my bleeding arm. I slid back up the wall, practically running out of the bathroom. "Harry?" I asked breathlessly once I reached the kitchen, almost crying when there was no sight of his curly locks. I started to climb the stairs, easily losing my breath and quickly forgetting how weak I was. "Harry?" I called, poking my head into separate rooms. "Harry? Harry. Harry!" I moaned, panicking as each room turned up empty.

My chest rose and fell as my breath caught time and time again in my throat. "He wouldn't leave. He's still h-here. He's here." I started to chant, worried that the last significant person in my life walked out the door. "Jamie?" His alarmed voice came from the stairs as I watched him jog his way up them, worry etching into his features. In a few steps he was quickly by my side, hands cupping my face to study me with concern. "What's wrong?" He said in a breath, ducking his head to try to look at my eyes. I shook my head, pulling out of his grip only to bury my face into his shirt. "Hey, it's alright. Breathe babe. Breatheeee." He rubbed my back, his other hand smoothing over my hair as he took long exaggerated breaths in hopes I mimicked them. "I couldn't find you." I spoke after a few gulps of air. I felt him hum in response. "That's why you're upset?" He asked slowly, almost as if he didn't believe me. I sighed nodding my head while fumbling with my sleeve.

"I'm sorry Harry." I mumbled into his chest, chocking against my sobs. "I'm so sorry." He pulled me back, his thumb wiping at the tears that continued to escape my eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong." He said with a pout. I bowed my head, ashamed that I had been so week and slipped up. "Jamie?" His fingers wove through mine, pulling back when he felt the bloodied tissue that I held in my palm. I could feel his stare, but I willed myself not to look at his disappointing gaze. His hand gripped my arm gingerly as he pulled me behind him to the bathroom. He nodded at the countertop, silently wanting me to sit. I scooted up, quickly feeling uncomfortable in the silence- not knowing what Harry was thinking. He peeled my sleeve back, his face almost relieved when he only swathe one cut on my wrist.

"Are you mad?" I whispered, watching as he started to put an ointment on my arm. Rubbing it it with his pinky finger, he huffed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry." I said again, and he hummed, making it clear he wasn't exactly happy. "I thought he was going to choose me." He paused for a moment, but stayed silent, ripping open a bandage, so I continued. "I thought that maybe I had actually meant something to him. That he was going to fight for what we had. For what I thought we had. Am I really that terrible of a person? That I can't keep anyone? I'm really that worthless? That he can just toss me aside?" I spat, my anger making me pity myself.

"You're not worthless." Harry added, his voice low. Snorting, I added. "Must have been, because he made it quite clear he doesn't want me anymore." I seethed, laying my head back against the mirror and looking up at the light that flickered. "And of course she has to be absolutely beautiful." I barely noted his tightening grip on my arm.

"You are beautiful." He commented factually, causing me to chuckle halfheartedly. Finishing up, his fingers moved from the bandage to my clenched fists, softly undoing them. "He was the one person I thought would never leave." I shook my head slowly. "Everyone leaves." My voice grew small as I started to choke up. "I shouldn't be surprised." I added, wiping at my frustrated tears. Looking up, I saw how close he had gotten. His hands rested on the countertop, either side of my legs, his face still studying mine.

"I'm still here." He murmured, as if it was a secret. Eyes locked onto mine, he glanced at my lips, dark eye lashes fanning over his eyes before looking back up at me. He leaned in, his sweet breath on my face. "Harry." I warned, pushing farther back into the mirror, but all too soon he closed the gap between us, warm lips brushing against mine.

A/N: OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY. Dear Lord, it has been forever, so welcome back all my fantastic readers! I decided Monday will be my uploading day for this story for now on. Mark your calendars. MONDAY. But this chapter is so short, I might upload another one before Monday! Another huge thank you to the most beautiful and wonderful Ella. Basically, no Ella, no story. So everybody say thank you! Hopefully everyone has been excellent, and please, please, PLEASE SEND ME YOUR FEEDBACK. I would like a few reviews just to see who is all still interested in this story anymore. See you all Monday! Much love, Rhi. xx

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