Just A Teenage Life. ☯

Just going though the problems teenagers go through, my diary of how I deal with the days.


1. Take It How It Comes. ☯

Seeing as this is my first blog, I want you to have a insight of my life, because what I'm going through now, is literally ruining my life. I live with an anxiety disorder, which literally makes me not want to go to school, not be in huge rooms, not concentrating, not leaving home, and being overly obsessed with not making new friends, and it's making my school life harder. I constantly get asked why I leave a huge room full of hundreds of people, and at minimum of 25 kids. How do you think I would respond? Well, you know what, I don't, because that's just the thing, I can't even get a single sentence out without stuttering, and it annoys me so much.



I'm not even sure how this started, all I remember is waking up one day and not even feeling happy about myself, way too nervous to even step out of the house. I stayed home for 3 days straight that week, mum didn't know what was going on with me, and neither did I. I eventually went to school on the thursday & friday, but I just went to the library as I couldn't face anyone. But the next week on a Monday my mum secretly rang up my school and asked if they had a councillor. They of course said yes, it wasn't until I walked in my mums room until she looked at me and said to go get dressed, were going to school. 



And in that moment I froze, I didn't want to face the people at school, nor the school councillor. Without consent, I started trashing my room, I didn't know what else to take my anger out on, so I just cried until my mum came down and told me to get dressed. I did get dressed, but refused to go down to the school, so mum literally forced me into the car as I cried, I cried because I didn't like the person I was becoming. 



As I arrived at school, I refused to walk in alone, so mum took me to the office and signed me in. I was honestly shaking, I'd never been to a councillor before, and I didn't know what was going on. So as I got called to the councillors room, I was literally scared to death. I walked in and my mum walked off which worried me, because I've never met this person before, I eventually warmed up to her, but you really want to know the reason why? Don't call me stupid, idiotic, but the reason was one direction. 



You may think 'oh it's just a boy band she'll get over it', but no, they helped me that day. Because when I eased up, she asked me about my likes and dislikes, I told her before i came here, that my mum made me rip all my one direction posters down because she thought they were the problem. Then the councillor asked me, "have they made you happy? how do you feel about them?" And I simply answered, "They changed my life for the best, they helped me through so much, and to think I thought nobody was listening to me, they were." My councillor looked at me and smiled then said she'll have a talk with my mum about the posters, which I was happy about.


The counciling session was almost over, and we had some interesting talks about my problems, made a plan for classes, but to me, what the saddest part is, I still go by them rules. They are still stuck on the bottom of my drawers. It actually feel so down when my family teases me about not going to the classes and assembly's, because in all my power, I just can't. I can't go into a room thinking people are judging me, and as I said before, it's killing me. I don't know if this is a phase, but I sure hope it will end soon. I suppose I don't think I've told you how old I am, what year I'm in, well I'm 14 and in year 9. Think I should continue with the 'story' I was telling you then. 



As I walked out I saw mum and smiled, finally happy to have my first session done out of literally hundreds more to come. We got the assistant principal and talked over the 'rules' as they call it, and finally got to go home. Mum expected me to go to school the next day, which I was unsure of, but finally agreed. The first day back, was very nerve wracking, and uncomfortable. Because I hadn't been at school awhile, people stared at me like I was the new kid, and I didn't like it at all. Every single session, that first day back, I went to the councillor, because I couldn't handle the amount of people staring, and especially when guys behind you are teasing about you.



No one knew what was wrong with me, it wasn't till after another 4 more sessions of counciling, that the councillor pronounced that I was dealing with a hard whack of 'anxiety', she told me I had different types of anxiety, which scared me, because I've had never heard of the word 'anxiety' until she explained that with a few more sessions, it would go away. As soon as she said that, I had doubts, doubts of not living the normal life I used to live, like being careful about how I looked and acted, being in huge public spaces. That's when I realised, I wasn't normal like the others.

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