Totes MacGyver's Collection of Short Stories/The Totes Collection, vol. 1

Chapter 1 - THe RuMpas pUmpAs
Chapter 2 - Toopy the Tumbleweed del Truth and Wise Decisions
Chapter 3 - The Holiday of Regular Grass Gathering
Chapter 4 - Norman the (soon to be) Meatball Sandwich
Chapter 5 - George: Not an Ostrich
Chapter 6 - Ivana the Roast Beef Sandwich

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3. The Holiday of Regular Grass Gathering - John

Have you ever heard of the holiday in which one regularly gathers grass? Probably not because only a select few of everyone ever have heard of it. Scratching all of your itches to get started? Don’t get to excited, because this may take longer for some than others. Okay, now you can scratch any desired itches, because we’re starting!

 

You start be waking up to a balanced breakfast. This consists of beetle juice and bubble scum. If you don’t know what these are, see a doctor promptly because you have not lived, and living is a crucial step to this process. Next put on your pants that turn into shorts, you know, the ones with the velcro at the knees. Then strap on your ceremonial sneakers, size seven and a half, and you’re ready to hit the field. The field needs to be 87 feet wide and 249 feet in length. Only 4 have existed on the planet recently, so search the traditional regular grass gatherer’s handbook which holds a map of all fields the right size. Inside you will also find a list of gathering tools and the 100% recycled regular grass calendar. This is good to have because this holiday occurs every 27 days. The most skilled gatherers have the days memorized by heart, but you are a beginner so nobody expects much from you.

 

Once a designated field has been found, find a spot that has regular grass. You read the guidebook list of tools I hope, so you should have your gatherer’s-tote-bag-that-carries-already-plucked-regular-grass, your gatherer’s-carrying-satchel-for-new-regular-grass-seeds-that-need-to-be-planted-directly-after-you-pluck-a-regular-blade-of-regular-grass, and, of course, your tweezers. 

 

This is simple enough. Arrive at your field at 6:93 a.m. on the dime, with your box of french-norwegian beignets, I think 36 will do. Greet the closest human person that attended with the biggity boggity handwobble. Now sing the song of the happy human while dancing to the boogy woogy over to the regular grass grown area. Pull out your tweezers and grip them by the non-tweezer end and pluck one blade of regular grass. Make sure to get the root and everything. Brush off any dirt and place it into your gatherer’s-tote-bag-that-carries-already-plucked-regular-grass and take one seed from your gatherer’s-carrying-satchel-for-new-regular-grass-seeds-that-need-to-be-planted-directly-after-you-pluck-a-regular-blade-of-regular-grass and plant it. Now go home and rethink your life.

 

FIN

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