Feel Again (Louis Tomlinson)

{Book 3 - COMPLETE} All Marley Pennington wanted to do since her freshman year of high school was to turn her life around. To be someone she always wanted to be, and when she gets her dream job, everything seems to be headed in the right direction.
But Louis Tomlinson is another story. He's alone, afraid, and just wanting everything to go back to normal, before everything was ruined. Marley, a well-liked and cheery person tries to change Louis' look on life and love.

"Yeah with you
I can feel again
I'm feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me"

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29. Marley

Chapter 29 - Marley

I drop my bags as soon as I stumble into the bathroom. My eyes are red and puffy and I am a mess, thanks to Louis. Reading my journal and all those things that no one else was supposed to see-ever-was probably the worst he could have done. He could have told me he never wants to see me again and I would have preferred that. By reading it and not being able to tell me if he meant anything shows me that he in fact hasn't changed as much as I thought he did. I am second-guessing everything and I hate it. Louis makes me feel like a stupid and annoying girl who won't leave him alone because of some crush that she has. He is making me feel like he was using me and not really caring when he knows I did the entire time. But it's more than a crush. I love him so much and this just breaks my heart.

I will not let him get the best of me. I rest my hands on the sink. I get some toilet paper from the stalls and run it under the tap to wipe the makeup from under my eyes that was running from my tears. My reflection stares back at me. Am I the clueless one, or is Louis still being stubborn? Either way he had no right to invade my privacy and lie about it. I am not even going to consider forgiving him right now. My first thought is to get on a flight and go back home, but I am not a coward like Louis is. I do not run away from my problems as soon as things get difficult. I put on a smile and hold my head high, it's in my nature. My mother raised me to always overcome your oppressors.

But the more I think about it, the more a visit to Nashville I think I need. I miss my parents, and Cassie, and Diane. I even miss my truck. But I have to remember that I worked to be here, and I want Louis to see me from now on and I hope it gives him hell. I throw my bag over my shoulder and put a smile on my face and leave the bathroom. But my face falls when I see that everyone is still in the lobby. Paul is handing out room keys and I quickly walk over. I can't keep a smile with Louis staring at me.

"Thank you," I say to Paul and grab a random key and head for the elevators. I can feel multiple pairs of eyes on me but I don't look back. As soon as the doors are about to close I see Parker and Amabel running to get inside, but they don't make it. I am alone. Tears fall down. They are not tears of sadness, or heartbreak, but I am feeling those things as well. They are tears of desperation, anger, frustration and confusion. I really thought Louis was doing better. He seemed much happier than when I first met him. Reading my personal journal and then not telling me made me look like a fool and I didn't know Louis would do something like that.

I find my room and put up the "do not disturb" door hanger on the outside. I throw my bag in the corner of the room and flop down on the bed, more tears escaping. For the next two hours I lay there, staring at the blue and white flower pattern on the comforter. My finger traces it absentmindedly. When I finally decide to look at the time, I groan. We have to be on the bus in forty-five to get to sound check. My feet carry me to the bathroom and I frown at my appearance. My hair is disheveled and my makeup is smeared around my red-rimmed eyes.

I take a fifteen minute shower, sure to wash my face and body thoroughly. When I step out I wrap a towel around my body and dry off. My legs are freshly shaven and I feel surprisingly...cheery. The throbbing ache is still prominent in my chest, but I don't feel like crying anymore. I feel like marching up to Louis and punching him square in the face, not only for reading my journal, but for regressing in his behavior. If this happened three months ago I wouldn't blame him, but it's not. It's been seven months since his breakup and he needs to get a grip, not only with me, but himself and his band mates, too.

My hair is left to naturally curl. Well, not curl exactly. It's more tight waves. It looks like I crimped it, but I actually let it be. The events from earlier are making me put an extra effort into my appearance. I slip on white denim shorts and my grey ankle boots that have a two inch heel. The tank top I wear is black with a white cross in the center. It's loose, so I wear a black sports bra underneath. My makeup is done lightly, but it actually looks really good. When I am ready to go, I have just enough time to make it to the bus in the parking lot.

My hand rests on the door handle. I want to stay here and watch cheesy romantic movies alone but I know that cannot happen. I will go to work with a smile on my face and not let Louis get the best of me. He knows he broke my heart, it's obvious to everyone. It's going to be hard seeing him, but I can do it. I'm strong enough.

When I get on the bus, everyone is there, but you can hear a pin drop. I meet everyone's eyes. "Is Louis here?" I ask, his name feeling strange on my tongue.

"Yeah...he's in his bunk." Zayn says.

"Oh." I take a seat next to Niall and he throws an arm over my shoulder. I meet Amabel's eyes and she silently asks me what's going on. I give her an I'll tell you later look and then play with my fingernails.

"Are you okay?" Niall whispers in my ear. I look up at his blue eyes.

"No," I answer honestly, giving him a weak smile. Niall's arm tightens around me and I rest my head on his shoulder.

Just then the doors close and we leave to the stadium. Parker starts a conversation from her place on Liam's lap. His hand soothingly rubs up and down her back while the other rests on her thigh. "Zayn, Niall, where are your lady friends?"

They both smile. "We don't really have anyone special yet." Zayn says.

I frown and bit my lip. I found someone special, who later proved to me that he is indeed not special. He's a dick, just like I thought when we first met. But since Louis is Louis, I fell in love. I wish I didn't love him. Things would be easier. I block out their conversation until we arrive. I am the first one off the bus and I don't meet eyes with anyone as I get ready to prepare the boys.

Time goes by too quickly and before I know it the boys are sitting down and I go their hair in a rush. It looks good, though. Louis is last, and I make a point to pull his hair harder than I need to. The other boys stifle laughter and Louis doesn't meet my gaze. I'm grateful; if he had, I probably would have started crying. When it's time for them to get dressed, I smile and converse with Harry and Niall. I shove Louis' clothes in his hands, making him stumble. I shoot him a glare and touch them up before sending them off. As soon as the door closes it is opened again, this time two girls come inside, one with blonde hair and the other with brown.

"Tell us everything," Parker says immediately, taking a seat on my left.

"Every detail," Amabel sits on my right.

I bring my knees to my chest. "Well...I keep a journal, right? And in it I write things...personal things, things that no one else should see."

"He didn't..." Amabel gasps. Parker's eyes are wide.

I just nod.

"What....what did it say?" Parker asks hesitantly.

I gulp. "I said that I was falling in love with him...stuff I never planned for him to read. Ever."

"But he did," Amabel says. Parker whacks her arm.

"But he did," I repeat, the words falling from my lips in a whisper.

"I'm so sorry," Parker sooths me. It doesn't make me feel better. "Do you know why he read it?"

I shake my head no. "He didn't give me an answer when I asked. Dick."

For the rest of the show we lay on the couch in a big pile. It's wonderful to have the girls here. If I didn't I would probably go insane. The boys are nice, too. But you've got to have a female perspective, right? Just then the doors burst open and the boys enter the room. The three of us sit up, my eyes wide and breathing quick and sharp. I immediately play with my nails. It's just something I do when I'm nervous.

I can feel Louis' gaze on me. Liam whispers something and he looks away, a frown on his face. The girls try to make me leave by grabbing my arm and pulling me to the door. We're heading back to the hotel as soon as the boys are dressed. "Wait," a voice says behind us. I freeze and turn around. I meet Louis' eyes. "Marley..."

"We have to go," Parker snaps and Louis flinches, shrinking back.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. I barely hear it. The only reason I do is because I look over my shoulder and see him staring at the ground, his bottom lip between his teeth.

Before I can say something, I am out of the room and halfway to the bus. "Did you hear him?" I ask.

"No, what did he say?" Amabel frowns.

"He said he was sorry," I say. "What...do you think he meant it?"

"I don't know," the blonde girl shrugs.

"He seemed pretty upset." Parker points out.

"Fuck," I whine, tugging at my hair. "Why does he make me love him?"

"You love him?" They both say at the same time.

I nod. "I told him that and that's when he left me standing there. I'm in love with him and I don't even know if he feels the same or not. Why can't he tell me?"

"Wow," Parker sighs with wide eyes. "Um... I think you're a little insane."

"What?"

"Louis doesn't... Louis swore he wasn't going to date after he found out about Eleanor... I don't think you're getting yourself into something....secure." Amabel says slowly and unsurely.

"You don't know why I love him," I snap. "He's different when he's around me. He's sweet, caring and funny."

I feel a little bad that I snapped at her, but she doesn't know anything about our relationship. To them, Louis seems like a cold-shouldered dickhead. He is, sometimes, but when he's with me he is different. Aren't they supposed to take his side? They're his best friends. I know that I shouldn't be jumping to Louis' defense after what he did, but I can't help it. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and no one is in any place to judge our relationship.

When the boys come I, cowardly, hide in the bathroom until we get to the hotel and I can retreat to my room.

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