Feel Again (Louis Tomlinson)

{Book 3 - COMPLETE} All Marley Pennington wanted to do since her freshman year of high school was to turn her life around. To be someone she always wanted to be, and when she gets her dream job, everything seems to be headed in the right direction.
But Louis Tomlinson is another story. He's alone, afraid, and just wanting everything to go back to normal, before everything was ruined. Marley, a well-liked and cheery person tries to change Louis' look on life and love.

"Yeah with you
I can feel again
I'm feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me"

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24. Louis

Chapter 24 - Louis

When I pull away from Marley the last thing I expected her to do was push me away, but she did, and I try to hold on to the memory of her lips on mine, just like they were ten seconds ago. It felt so amazing to kiss her, like my body weighed no more than a feather. It was something I couldn't help, she was standing there looking like she did and I just...kissed her. I suppose I am testing myself here, seeing what happens when I kiss her. The first time I was gentle, and even when our lips were barely touching I felt something that made me feel like I could run a marathon. Adrenaline? Hormones? I'm not sure, but I became addicted and kissed her again. I know that kissing her will never be satisfying; I need to kiss her again.

I don't want to want to kiss her again, but my body is almost being pushed to her, where she will cradle me in her arms and kiss me whenever I want her to. My eyes follow her and she turns to back to me and I frown. She was kissing me back, why is she turning around?

"Why did you kiss me?" She asks, surprising me.

"Um...what?" I dumbly reply.

"Why did you kiss me?"

I scratch the back of my neck. "Did you not want me to?"

"Well, of course I wanted you to," she says as if it's obvious, "but I don't know why you did it. Tell me, Louis."

She steps closer and there is only about a foot between us again. I honestly don't know what to say. Yeah, I just kissed you because I can't stop thinking of you, only I'm not sure if I want a relationship or not because I'm a coward. "I...I don't know."

I'm an idiot. I can tell by the way her lips turn down at her eyes water that I said the wrong thing. Of course I did. I didn't want to say I want a relationship, because I don't, I'm not that stupid. Right, no, I don't know if I can trust her.

But I know I can. She's done so much shit for me and here I am right after we made out saying I don't know why I kissed her. Obviously she's confused, kissed her. My eyes widen when I realize that I have kissed her for the second time and this time, she was never the one to make a move. Holy shit.

"I gotta go," I mumble, grabbing my clothes and leaving the room. As soon as she is out of sight I slip a shirt over my head and my boxers and shorts are next. Thankfully no one was around to see me quickly change. I didn't see her face before I slammed the door. I lean against it and pinch the bridge of my nose. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't want to commit to her if I don't know my feelings and the fact that I just called them feelings scares the hell out of me.

But I realize something: she did this. Marley made me even consider having feelings for someone, even if it's her. When Eleanor cheated on me I thought I wouldn't find someone until I was forty, but here I am almost seven months later making out with someone I work with. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

"Dammit," I mutter and pull the door back open. Marley is sitting on the couch, her knees hugged to her chest as her eyes stare at something across the room.

She looks up at me and stands. "What do you want?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what the hell I am doing with this...us. It scares me that there even is an us. There is one, isn't there?" I ramble.

She gives me a small smile. "I suppose. That's your choice though."

I frown. "I mess everything up and I don't know what to do around you, you're very scary actually."

"I take that as a compliment." She grins.

"I don't know how to act around you, I'm so fucking confused on everything and I don't want you to hate me, so please don't." I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this, but the thought of Marley hating me makes me more upset than I would like to admit.

"I don't hate you. I don't think I ever could." She whispers.

Then I remember I read her diary, if she ever found out she would kill me. "I hope so." I say nervously.

She smiles. "Louis...."

"Hmm?" I look up at her.

She walks over and doesn't speak before her lips are inches from my ear, "I'll always want you to kiss me."

My eyes widen and I'm frozen. Marley throws her purse over her shoulder and leaves the room, the slam of the door is what breaks me from my trance. I turn and stare at where she left. What the hell does that mean?

*****

The next day is spend traveling, we are on our way to Cleveland, so I hunker down in my bunk and stare at the ceiling, the events from last night on repeat in my head. I'll always want you to kiss me. That's what she said. Did she say that because she likes me, or because I'm Louis Tomlinson? The second option seems pretty much like rubbish from what she wrote in her diary and from what Parker told me but I don't want to do something I'll regret from that information, which could turn out to be false.

My head hurts just thinking about this, so I take out my phone and scroll through my pictures. My camera roll seems to hold such a small number of pictures, and when I realize the reason why, the grip on my phone tightens until my knuckles are white. The day after I found out that Eleanor was cheating, I deleted the pictures of us...every single one. The ones where we looked genuinely happy. The ones that were taken at all the right moments. The ones where she looked so gorgeous I thought I was going to marry her. A small humorless chuckle escapes my lips, all those mushy thoughts long, long gone.

I remember the day I deleted the pictures...

Amabel just left my room and I'm alone, not bothering to touch the food she gave me. I wasn't hungry; I didn't want anything to eat. I didn't want anything at all...besides the truth. Why? I was completely blindsided and rage and sorrow fill me, I am numb to anything else. The thought of smiling makes me want to break something and I am rethinking every part of our relationship, every little fucking detail. I pick apart every word I said to her, that I can remember at least. I try to think of something that I said to her that would make her do this to me, but nothing comes to mind.

She said she didn't love me anymore, that she "fell out of love." That's fucking fine with me but she didn't have to cheat. Who stays in a relationship with someone they don't love anymore? My stomach churns at the thought that I kissed her, I fucking made love to her while she didn't return my feelings anymore. Angrily, I take out my phone and my heart sinks when I see I have no new messages. It's not like I wanted her to text or call anyways, that bitch.

I scroll through the pictures, the ones of us smiling especially make me so angry, feel so used that I have to fight to urge to throw my phone against the wall and watch it shatter to pieces. The thought is appealing, but I don't want to have to buy a new iPhone. My fingers rapidly and angrily delete the pictures, taking the memories along with them. Good riddance. I don't want them anyways, they were probably lies, and the thought makes bile rise in my throat and anger boil in my veins.

My finger hovers over the screen as I stare at a picture. Harry took it, I am looking at my laptop and Eleanor has her head next to me, staring at me with a soft smile on her face. I frown, I didn't even realize she was looking at me when the picture was taken; it was only a month before Eleanor started cheating. I know she loved me, at least at some point in time. It was obvious, I could see it in her eyes. It must not have been long before she "fell out of love with me" as she liked to put it. Don't you think that after two years you would know if you loved them or not?

Was it because I wasn't home enough? I called her as often as I could, which was almost everyday. We texted, emailed, Skyped, but apparently what I had to offer her wasn't enough. She told me she loves me and I believed her those three months when she wasn't being true. I feel stupid, but it's not like there were any obvious signs. It's sort of nice to know that she loved me for me, and not for being in One Direction.

Before I can over-think anything else and hold on to something that I don't wish to remember, I delete the last picture. As much as it hurts to think about all the times she lied, it's very upsetting to push the fond memories back, but it only hurts more.

My phone is set on the bedside table and I hide under the covers, hoping the thin sheets will protect me from the nightmares.
 

Since I don't want to break my phone, I put in my pocket and rethink that day. That day I all I felt was anger, and now all I feel is...everything. I didn't think I would look behind my shoulder to see a blonde girl behind me, but I do. I didn't think I would spend hours thinking about someone who drives me crazy, but I do. This bunk is very small and I need something to eat, I skipped breakfast, sure to avoid Marley. Although I would never admit it, it stirs something inside me to hear Marley scold me about eating healthy. It's not like I enjoy getting told to eat my vegetables; Liam tells me all the time. It's her, and I don't want to take the time to figure out what it means.

I climb down and everyone is just scattered around the bus. Well, not really scattered since this bus is small and there is really no such thing as privacy, but we like to think of this place as a moving home. It is, really. Liam, Parker and Niall are in the kitchen, and when I poke my head inside the front "room" I see Marley and Zayn deep in conversation. What is that all about? They're probably talking rubbish about me, saying how annoying I am. I don't blame Zayn for it, really. I've been an arse these past few months.

"Looking for someone?" Amabel asks from behind me.

I jump slightly and turn around. "No," I say. "I'm just bored. How much longer until we get there?"

"Driver said two and half hours."

I groan. "I'm going back to my bunk."

She gives me a hug though. "I'm glad to see she makes you happy, Louis."

"Who?" I ask, even though I have a pretty good idea as to who she means.

Amabel just smiles and leaves, going into the back "room" where I assume Harry is. I'm glad she's here because we all know Harry would go mad without her. I climb into my bunk again. It seems like I am spending a lot of time here; before, I used to only go in here when I was sleeping, but when you're on the road and stuck with the girl you can't get your mind off of, who also happens to drive you insane, you would hide here as well. My ears pick up the faint noise of a laugh, Marley's laugh. She's with Zayn and something that can only be described as jealousy courses through my veins.

I throw back the covers for the second time, march over to those two, grab Marley's hand and take her away and back to the bunks. "Louis, what are you doing?" She asks.
 

"Come with me." I demand, ignoring her and walking faster.

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