Feel Again (Louis Tomlinson)

{Book 3 - COMPLETE} All Marley Pennington wanted to do since her freshman year of high school was to turn her life around. To be someone she always wanted to be, and when she gets her dream job, everything seems to be headed in the right direction.
But Louis Tomlinson is another story. He's alone, afraid, and just wanting everything to go back to normal, before everything was ruined. Marley, a well-liked and cheery person tries to change Louis' look on life and love.

"Yeah with you
I can feel again
I'm feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me"

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20. Louis

Chapter 20- Louis

Shit. Fuck. Shit.

This is my entire fault. Right? I am at a party and I’m damn bored. Never thought I would say that. Lou is leaving soon and I’m going to miss her. But I miss Marley more, though. It’s pretty pathetic, Lou is going back home and Marley is staying with me, I can’t help it. It’s like after we slept together I am being pulled toward her, like magnets. It’s something out of my control. I don’t like not being in control of my feelings but I know somewhere in the back of my mind that if I give in it will be completely worth it. I’m just having trouble getting that running start.

The whole night I keep sneaking glances at her. I scold myself every time I do so, even more when her eyes meet mine. I thought she wasn’t looking over? My stomach flips when I realize she was looking at me, just like I was her. I don’t know if it’s because she wants to look at me or if I am freaking her out by my staring. I can’t help it, though. She looks too beautiful. I know I should probably go over there and tell her, but my feet are glued to the floor and a fake smile plastered on my face as I try not to run over to her and kiss her and apologize for leaving this morning. But I won’t do that. I can’t.

I want to throw my glass of champagne against the wall when I realize what I am doing. I am doing what I never wanted to do again. Damn it! I don’t want to fake a smile anymore, I don’t like pretending that I’m alright when I just want to be left alone. I did that for the longest time and ever since I met Marley I haven’t had to anymore. Thanks to my idiocy I am back to pretending that I am interested in something these people are saying to me. I hate it more than anything. Well, I am not sure about that, but I still dislike it nonetheless.

The people in the small group I am “talking” with laugh and I do too, even though I have no idea what they are laughing about. Before long Lou is giving everyone goodbyes and hugs and I wish her luck back home. She and Marley talk for a long time and I stop myself from walking over there and putting a hand on the small of Marley’s back.

This party is actually boring as hell now that Lou is gone so I just leave and go back to the bus, there is no reason for me to be here anymore if I am just pretending to have a good time. My subconscious tells me that if Marley were with me, holding my hand or something, then I would have enjoyed myself. I hate that that is indeed true, my hand slaps the side of the bus as I climb on.

*****

I don’t think I can take this much longer, the constant reminder that she is here. We are driving to Detroit and have been on the road since everyone came back from the arena. They all seemed pretty tired and fell asleep immediately. I pretended that I wasn’t awake and no one bothered me. But I wasn’t, I was wide awake. It’s a little after four in them morning now, we are getting close, forty-five minutes said the driver.

I silently go to the kitchen and get some water. I drink it in one gulp and put the cup in the sink, going to the front room and sitting down. My head falls into my hands, then I look up in the direction of the bunks. She’s lying there, sleeping with no frown on her brow. I don’t like it when she frowns; she’s much prettier when she is smiling. My fingers pull at my hair and I lay down.

“Louis?” A voice makes me sit up abruptly.

My eyes widen. She’s here. “I thought you were sleeping.” I admit.

Marley shrugs. “I just couldn’t I guess. Why are you up?”

“Same,” I sigh, and scoot farther away when she sits down, I don’t want to be tempted to kiss her.

“That was an nice party, don’t you think?” She asks, a smile playing on her lips. Don’t look at her lips, don’t look at her lips.

“Yeah, I guess.” I answer blandly. I close my eyes; I’m being an asshole right now. “I’m sorry.”

Marley looks confused, but then looks at her manicured nails. “What for?” I know she knows what I mean.

“For…the other….for leaving you, I just…” I stutter. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Her eyes meet mine. “Louis, I didn’t exactly expect you to stay….alright I did but I just want to know why, why didn’t you just stay?” Her voice is pleading and I begin to regret bailing on her.

I gulp. “I’m not exactly sure.” I half-lie.

“I thought…maybe you…” She trails off. I am desperate to know what she was going to say.

“You what?” I whisper.

“Never mind, okay?” She says, and I slouch. I want to know, but something is telling me not to push her. So I don’t.

The pressure of the silence that consumed us is enough to shatter the windows. She just plays with her hands I stare at her, I hate this. I hate us not getting along. Hell, we can scream at each other, I just want some sort of communication.

“Will you go out with me?” I blurt. I wish I could take the words back.

Marley’s head snaps up and her wide eyes stare into mine. “What? Like a…d-date?”

I don’t answer right away, my mouth spoke before my brain could keep up. “Y-yeah, I mean if you want to.” A wide smile spreads across her lips and the same happens to me. The thought of just the two of us together both scares and excites me.

“Well, it’s the middle of the night now, so…”

“Yeah, I mean I didn’t mean right now, later but it can be whenever I guess.” I ramble on and smack myself for sounding like a dumbass.

“You and the boys are going to be on Good Morning America this morning so after? We can go out for lunch or something?” She suggest, looking at me from under her eyelashes. Shit, that’s hot.

What?

“Yeah, okay.” I say. Why I am looking forward to it so much? I stand. “I better go to bed then, yeah?”

“Yeah. Goodnight Louis.” She stands as well and walks past me, climbing into her bunk. I smile, and do the same.

I hate that I am looking forward to it as much as I am.

*****

The lads and I sing Story of My Life and Midnight Memories on GMA. It’s really hot outside and the fans wait for us, they must be dying of heat stroke. They’re so amazing and my mind has been so unforced on my job that I have to remind myself that we have the best fans in the world. I actually have a good time, it’s probably because I know what’s going to happen after this.

Marley got us ready this morning and I couldn’t help but shoot her a wink as she was doing my hair. She laughed and me and the lads gave us weird looks. I flipped them off, for which Marley scolded me but I would do it all over again if it meant having her say my name.

When the show’s over I sprint to the bus, and Marley is waiting for me. Nerves take over just like they did last night and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because this is out first official date? Never in a million years would I have thought I would go on a date again. If you told me two months ago that I would be dating, I would have either laughed or punched you.

“Is anyone else going to be here?” Marley asks, taking out her phone and dialing a number.

“No, everyone else is going out.” I answer. Thank God.

“Good,” she smiles.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Ordering a pizza.”

“Oh,” I say and sit down.

“What do you like on yours?” She asks, holding the phone away from her mouth.

I will figure out what all these feelings mean later. Right now, I just want to have a proper smile. It’s in this moment that I realize how little we actually know about each other. I mean yes, I know about her high school career and she knows about Eleanor, but I am talking about the little things. I guess today I am going to find those out.

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