Without a Clue

Trigger Warnings: reference to/ mention of domestic violence, reference to/ mention of sexual abuse, reference to/ mention of substance abuse, descriptive depictions of self harm and suicide, death, abortion, and mental illness.

Niall's secretive, always has been, but the world is in utter shock as the news is released that Niall has a son. The two year old blond, Grayson Finn Horan, is simply the most important thing in Niall's life, but when a stunning American popstar, Demi Lovato, starts to work her way into his heart, he doesn't know how to react.

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11. Chapter Eleven: The Sleepy Boy

(a/n: please check out the tumblr just for WACK! diallslays.tumblr.com 

I've made a character list where every character has photo galleries if you want to see how I imagine them looking, more info like birthdays, occupations, etc. The character page is at diallslays.tumblr.com/characters

If you check it out please let me know in the comments !!! )




You'd think after three whole days without sleep, someone would simply pass out the second their head hit the pillow. You'd think. It seems to be the complete opposite for Niall. As I watch him crawl into bed, I can tell he already feels like he's lost this battle again, and he'll be lying here awake until Grayson demands his attention in a few hours. He tells me he's put a call into the doctor to adjust his meds, but he won't be able to go in for three more days. Going this long without sleeping is extremely dangerous, and I can tell it's wearing him down, no matter how used to it he is.

When I crawl into bed after him, he looks up at me, lifting up the covers and motioning me over to his side. He seems to be eerily quiet as I shuffle closer to him, my head ending up on his chest. As his arms wrap around me, I start my investigation. Why can't he sleep? His eyes are closed and he looks comfortable. Whatever is keeping him from getting his necessary rest, must be buried somewhere deep inside that pretty head of his.

We lay there in silence for a good ten minutes before I get my first good lead: Niall starts shaking. He seems to be straining as an attempt to lay still and starts to clench his eyes shut. I don't have a clue as to why he's shaking, but I do know that all I want to do is hold him. I try to wrap my arms around him, but with my position on his chest there's not much I can do. I manage to wiggle enough for him to open his eyes and let me out of his arms, allowing me to move away from him. He looks a bit hurt that I left our cuddle, but he soon throws me a small smile when I open my arms much like he did moments before.

He ends up feeling incredibly small against me, his head resting against my right shoulder as my arms wrap around him. His shaking reduces a bit, but I can tell there's still something bothering him. I don’t know if I should push for an answer or wait it out, so I simply let one of my hands find its way up to his hair. There's not many things that I enjoy more than playing with someone's hair, and Niall is no exception. Luckily, he seems to love it and lets me tangle my fingers in his messy blonde curls whenever I want to.

Now I just have to think about why he's shaking. On the flight, I even attempted to google PTSD and all of the subsequent mental illnesses that come along with it. I tried to focus on anything that might cause his insomnia, and the only thing I could find is fear of what might happen if he falls asleep. Out of the few times I've slept in the same bed as him, I've never noticed a single night terror or even nightmare. I'm an incredibly light sleeper, and I think I would have caught onto that by now if he'd have had one around me.

I don't even know what's caused his this disease to affect him anyways, and maybe that's where I'm going wrong. Maybe I need to know what happened to Niall to understand how to help him, but some part of me feels like him going through whatever it was again in order to tell me about it would only make him worse.

"Do you have night terrors?" I ask him softly, a quietness emitting through the room that I don't quite like. Answering if he has them in the first place is a lot easier than answering what they would be about, isn't it? His fingers clench against the cloth of my t-shirt, and I can feel his jaw tighten against my shoulder.

"Yeah." He whispers, and almost instantly, his sudden onset of insomnia makes sense. Niall might be afraid of his night terrors. It feels horrible to think that Niall would rather not sleep at all than experience whatever thoughts plague him when he's asleep, whether it's a conscious fear or not.

"You can go to sleep, Ni. If you have one, I'll be right here to get you back to sleep. It's not real, okay?" I tell him softly, and I think that it might actually have done something. He visibly relaxes against me, and not seconds later, nods his head. His eyes are still clenched shut, but I still feel like he's going to try to fall asleep.

"It was real." He whispers quietly, as if he said it loud enough something terrible would happen. I feel so incredibly stupid for saying that it's not real, because of course, whatever happened actually occurred, and he's just reliving it yet again. It just feels unreal to think that something has happened to Niall that's caused him to develop a disorder that occurs in soldiers witnessing the terrors of war. Something that bad happened to Niall.

"I know. I just meant," I pause, "It's not going to happen again if you fall asleep. You might remember it, but I'll be right here if you need me." He seems to accept my response as he remains completely quiet. He doesn't say or do anything for around twenty minutes. At first, I think he may have actually fallen asleep, but that theory is quickly shot down as I hear his voice travel through the dark room.

"Demi?" He questions, a certain innocence to his voice.

"I'm sorry for what happened to you." He says, shifting slightly against my shoulder. I know I tense visibly at this, but he doesn't comment on it. He doesn't know what he's talking about; the boy has gone nearly four days without sleep, so he can't be completely lucid.

"What?" I ask, hoping for an elaboration.
"I'm sorry for whatever happened to you," He breathes out, "You understand. There's a reason no one else stops to think about what it's like to talk about it. You never ask about what happened to me because you know it would hurt too much to tell, and you know that because you don’t want to tell either. I'm sorry for what happened to you. You didn't deserve it." He tells me softly, his hand pressing gently against my back. He needs to focus on himself right now, not me. I don't have a two year old completely dependent on me.

"You didn't deserve it either, Ni." I reply. Somehow, that strikes a nerve, because Niall instantly tenses. I'm not sure exactly why until I realize maybe Niall thinks he deserves to be this sad. I just can't imagine Niall ever doing anything to justify the state he's in now, especially not the nineteen year old laugh-box of a Niall I remember. That little kid could never have done anything to deserve this mess.

"Don't ever think any of this is your fault. Whatever you said, whatever you did- it has nothing to do with what happened. You don't deserve any of this. I pinky promise, and I never break a pinky promise." This finally draws a smile out of him, and I feel like maybe he can go to sleep now. I know saying something like that to him probably has no effect on what he thinks, especially since I don't even know what happened, but I at least tried.

Niall eventually falls asleep around an hour later, his breaths coming out in slower spurts and his eyelids fluttering with his dreams. I plan on staying awake for at least a half an hour longer, just to make sure he's okay. It would kill me if I managed to fall asleep and he wasn't actually resting.

Turns out, it's a good thing I stay up because just as I'm starting to nod off, I start to hear whimpering coming from Grayson's nursery. I'm not really sure what he could need, but I really don't want Niall to have to get up just as he's fallen asleep. Getting out of bed with a fully-grown man-boy on top of you isn't the easiest thing in the world, but I manage to do it without waking him up.

Grayson is standing up in his crib when I walk into the room, his cries not reaching full potential just yet. I use the adjustable lights to add a soft lightness to Grayson's nursery, just enough to where we can both truly see each other. He seems to calm down a bit when he catches a glimpse of me and quickly reacts by reaching his hands up towards me through his tears.

I pick him up as quickly as I can, hoping to keep his tears to a minimum. Niall was obviously planning on him sleeping through the night, so I'm pretty sure he's not hungry, and his diaper isn't wet. I suppose the only thing that leaves is that he simply woke up and realized he was alone. I suppose that could be scary for child, especially a toddler that's hardly ever been without his father.

"Want to go sleep in Daddy's bed?" I ask Grayson softly, and he quickly nods his head that’s resting sweetly against my shoulder. I grab his pacifier from the bed of his crib, along with his favorite green blanket before turning off the lights and quietly going back into Niall's room. It's not as hard as I think it would be to crawl into bed with a toddler on my chest, and he's not crying in the slightest anymore.

I expect Grayson to attempt to crawl onto Niall, but he doesn't. He remains on my chest and doesn't even shift around, just falls asleep right then and there. I'm not really sure how to even sleep with a toddler on top of me. I slowly wiggle myself down the bed until my head is finally resting against the pillow, and for some reason, I start thinking about Niall again. Well, specifically Niall and I.

I'm not really sure if he's even ready to be in a relationship; some people that lose a spouse never are. I suppose that makes sense. He didn't really end the relationship, neither of them did. I'm not sure if I could ever move on if it happened to me. Besides, I don't even know if I'm ready to be in a relationship. Even if I am ready for that, am I ready to be a mom? That's such a crazy thing to even say. If Niall and I ever were seriously in a relationship, that would include Grayson, and me helping to raise him. I'm sure I wouldn't be too bad at it if Niall were there helping me. I mean, with Grayson on my chest and his little fingers spread out against my collarbone, being a mom doesn't seem so scary. There's something about holding a baby that just feels amazing. I suppose I could get used to this.

Now that I think about it, I don't really know anything about Niall. I'm sure he's changed quite a bit from when we dated. Honestly, I just need to talk to him about how he feels about this whole thing before I start going on with thoughts like this. If he's not planning on pursuing anything with me, I'll have wasted all this thought on him. I mean, I'm twenty-five. I'm getting to that age where it's no longer dating for fun, it's dating for life. Now, I need to look at everyone I'm with and be able to picture them as my husband. I know it sounds ridiculous to even think about that before even dating anyone, but I don't really have much time to waste. I wanted to be settled down by now, but that hasn't really worked out for me. I guess I just haven't found the right person, not that I've been looking anytime recently.

I can't help but think what it'd be like to be Niall's wife. Maybe it would be a bit hectic with both of our jobs clashing, but I'm sure we'd find the time to be with each other. Also, if we have Grayson, wouldn't he keep either of us company while the other is away at some event? I guess I don't really have to worry about anything like that anyways, considering Niall and I most likely will never be more than cuddle buddies.

 

 

I wake up completely alone, not including Grayson of course. He's still sleeping soundly on my chest in the same position he fell asleep in, his dinosaur pacifier hanging out of his mouth and resting somewhere on my chest. I don't really know how Grayson has managed to sleep longer than his sleep-deprived father, but he has. I just wonder where Niall could have gone.  How am I supposed to look for him with a sleeping baby on top of me?

I manage to shift out of bed without waking Grayson, and even catch his pacifier as it rolls off of me.

I walk down Niall's stairs carefully to make sure I don't fall whilst holding Niall's most treasured possession. Right when I make it to the bottom of the stairs, I remember that it's Niall's birthday, and make a mental note to say something about it when I find him. Turns out, it's not really that hard to locate him because when I emerge from the small hallway, and can easily hear him singing in the kitchen. It's nothing fancy, but nothing I've ever heard before, and he seems to be enjoying himself quite a bit.

I don't want to interrupt the party he's having with himself, so I sit down at the table across from the stove, and watch him dance around as he flips some eggs on a pan. He doesn’t even notice me sitting there until I start to laugh at his ridiculously horrendous dad dance moves. He turns around to face me slowly with a potent blush on his cheeks. I can tell by that, that he's embarrassed, but honestly I thought it was cute.

"I see you've brought my pride and joy to breakfast with you." He tells me, motioning to Grayson with the egg covered spatula in his left hand.

"Looks like it." I tell him, a smile on my face to match his. Niall turns back around and lifts up the pan, rotating it and sliding the eggs onto a plate. Not long after that he starts walking towards me and ends up kneeling next to me, his face level with Grayson's.

"Wake up, little lad." He whispers gently, wiping some of the short, blonde curls out of Grayson's eyes as he fidgets. It doesn't take long for Grayson to wake up and request both Niall and his pacifier, and luckily both are within reaching distance. Niall rocks Grayson gently against his shoulder as he continues to cook and Grayson continues to wake up.

By the time Niall has breakfast finished, Grayson's head is up and he's talking charismatically, but only in some incoherent sentences that only Niall, as his dad, can understand. Niall sits him in his high chair right next to me, and  then sits on the other side of his child.

We eat breakfast pretty quickly, and it's not 'til afterwards when the action happens. While Niall's cleaning up, Grayson is sitting on my lap, giggling at anything and everything. If I look at him long enough, he laughs. If I don't look at him, he laughs. If I kiss his cheek, he laughs. Literally anything I do makes Grayson simply erupt with laughter, and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

When I'm right in the middle of placing another series of kisses among Grayson chubby cheeks, I suddenly hear Niall clearing his throat above me, I look up at him as Grayson starts to giggle only to find Niall pouting slightly. When Niall realizes he has my attention he quickly puffs out his lips, and when I don't respond, he returns to pouting.

"Stop hogging all the kisses, G." Niall tells his son as he crosses his arms like a child.

"Oh, someone's jealous of their own two year old, how sweet." I tease him, and he's quick to stick his tongue out at me jokingly.

"C'mon, pretty please can I have a kiss?" He asks me softly and I shake my head, his face quickly contorting into confusion.

"But it's my birthday!" He protests, a cheeky smile working its way onto his cheeks when he realizes I won't have a choice now.

"Hmm, I distinctly remember a certain person saying they didn't observe this holiday, so I guess that means you don't really have a valid excuse, do you?" I tell him softly. I mean, he did tell me that last week when I asked for his birthday plans. I might as well get a little fun out of him. He seems to be completely speechless until I walk up to him, placing both my hands flat on his chest and giving him a soft kiss. He just smiles at that, and turns around to finish the dishes. I suppose that's one birthday present I could give him more of.

Just as Niall finishes the dishes, there's a quiet ding, and then I hear a mechanical Ollie Styles being announced through the hidden speakers in Niall's home, which I suppose means that Ollie has just opened Niall's gate. Either that, or he's managed to give out his gate code to even more people. It looks like Niall has the same idea as me as he walks towards the back door, lifting up the curtain covering the window and peering out.

He must catch a glimpse of Ollie because he quickly unlocks the door and comes back to wait in the kitchen for him.

"Happy birthday!" Is the first thing Ollie says, or screams, when he comes through Niall's back door. Niall smiles at this, and it's then I know that he still must love his birthday somewhere inside him. That or he loves his goofball of a little brother.

"Happy birthday!" Ollie repeats again when he walks into the kitchen, smiling at me knowingly before handing Niall a plain yellow envelope and swooping Grayson up into his arms. Niall opens the envelope quickly, but his face shows complete confusion. I can tell that he has no idea what Ollie's gotten for him.

"Olls, I love you, but I have no idea what any of these words mean." Niall laughs out as he pulls out a packet of paper out of the padded envelope.

"Well, all those words together basically mean I'm cancer free." Ollie mentions casually, as if it's not a big deal. However, Niall's eyes light up, and for a second there, I'm not sure if he's going to cry or not. Ollie lets Grayson back down on the floor and Niall takes that opportunity to pull Ollie into a tight hug. I'm sure this is probably the best birthday present Niall's ever received. I'm not really sure what this means in relation to how long Ollie has left, or if he is even considered dying anymore, but I can tell whatever it means, Niall is ecstatic.

"I'm gonna put this up on the fridge, so I can look at it every morning." Niall whispers as he holds onto Ollie. Only seconds after they release each other, Niall stays true to his word and uses a Spiderman magnet to put up Ollie's test results.

After Niall puts Ollie's present up on the fridge, Ollie wastes no time saying that he has to go, and that someone is waiting for him in the car, and they're going to a music festival in Dublin today.  Of course, Niall must catch on to the fact that Ollie smiles unnecessarily at that sentence, just as I do, and we both gather that someone must be waiting for him. I don't think Niall knows that Ollie's seeing anyone, if he is anyways, but I can tell he has the same idea as me as we both smile sweetly at his comment.

"What?" Ollie asked, his face confused as he looks as if he's been left out of a joke. Niall just laughs and shakes his head.

"Someone special in the car, Olls? You couldn't help but blush talking about it." Niall tells him, and suddenly Ollie's cheeks are just as pink as before. I'm not sure if he's simply embarrassed because of Niall's observation or he's thinking about whoever it is.

"It's just Elliot." He tells us, a gentle smile on his lips as he waits for the okay to leave.

"Do I get to really meet this Elliot?" Niall asks, and Ollie instantly shakes his head and throws out a quick nope.

"You've never asked to meet any of my mates before." Ollie mentions softly, hands reaching for the door. Niall laughs at that and mentions a soft bye, Olls, and just like that, Ollie's left.

"He's gone for that boy." Niall tells me seconds after the doors slams shut. I guess from what I saw I'd say the same thing, I just had no idea that Ollie was gay. I've witnessed him hit on girls, hit on me, so I just don't understand how he could be gay, unless he was faking all of it.

"You think he's gay?" I question, and Niall quickly shakes his head no.

"'Course not. Had a girlfriend few months ago. She cheated on him, and he was devastated. Don't think he could've faked that. He was head over heels for that one." Niall tells me, his eyebrows furrowed in thought as he remembers Ollie's previous relationship.

"Think he's bi?" I ask, and Niall nods.

"Saw him and that one snogging at the after tour party Liam threw. Given, they were both smashed at the time, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't an accident." Niall tells me. I can't believe he knew this whole time that Ollie and Elliot were together, and didn't say anything about it. Better yet, I can't believe Niall let Ollie leave his house with a boy that he liked. I know I wouldn't let my little sister leave the house with someone she'd be interested in.

"I don't like that kid." Niall mumbles, wiping up some food Grayson managed to drop on the floor.

"Why's that?" I ask. I can't imagine Niall's seen enough of him to form a solid opinion, so I wonder why he doesn't like him. If Ollie likes him, doesn't that mean that he must be at least a decent person?

"He's a model, and a damn good one. He was named the face of Versace last month." Niall says, and I'm not really sure what he means. Why would that affect anything that has to do with who he is as a person?

"Why's that bad?" I ask, and Niall quickly responds.

"Ollie may not look it, but he's a sensitive kid. Elliot Bane flies all of the world to take pictures half-naked, or fully naked, with a bunch of people Ollie probably sees as better looking than himself. I can't imagine that'll be a good combination. And the kid's dying! His last few months are gonna be hell and this kid just signed on to be there for it. It just feels off to me. I want whatever time he's got to be as good as it can be." Niall tells me softly. It seems as if he's looked up quite a bit about Elliot.

"Maybe he wants to make Ollie's last few months great, just like you. Or, better yet, maybe he has hope that Ollie's gonna pull through." I offer, and Niall just shrugs.

"Maybe." He whispers.

I know this probably isn't the time, but I'm still wondering what Ollie's test results mean. Is he going to live now?
"Is Ollie going to be okay now?" I ask softly, and Niall's quick to shake his head.

"He's got maybe three more months than what they had guessed. But, all the months before that are going to be a lot more happy. He's got a better shot of making it now, no matter how small." Niall whispers. I can tell those extra three months Ollie has now mean the world to Niall. I just wish I could tell him that Ollie's going to be okay, but I can't. I don't know if he's going to be okay; no one does. Why does the world always have to be such a big mess of maybes?


(A/N: Did you like this chapter? If so please help me out by commenting and liking ! It would mean a lot to me! )

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