Vents & Poems From A Narcoleptic High Schooler-Among Other Things

High school. The year where everything came back and the former, well known version of myself died...this is me now.
*Mixtures of poems, prose, possibly letters, & short stories*

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5. Poem #4: Emotionally Overwhelmed/Controlling The Beast

6/9/13 

Sounds all around me, 

Sounds I hate, 

I should be used to them, 

But not anymore.

Slowly growing irritated, 

Almost like a bomb, 

I look around, 

And there is nowhere to run, 

There's no escape!

My mind is overwhelmed, 

I can feel emotions grow, 

Anger, 

Frustration, 

And yet, 

I feel a calming sensation, 

As though it's trying to fight, 

And place my thoughts back in order.

The noises get louder, 

I can't take anymore, 

The side I've never seen, 

Never felt, 

Never grown inside me, 

It wants to come out, 

And I can't fight it no longer.

A bloodcurdling scream is heard, 

A scream that goes over all others around me, 

I soon realize that it's my own, 

That means you should run!

All signs were ignored, 

Why should anyone notice the scream? 

As I fight for my own control, 

For everyone's sake, 

I shake violently, 

My fists bottled up far too tight, 

And my jaw is clenched shut.

I know I should breathe slowly, 

But something's stopping me. 

My neck feels as though I'm being chocked, 

In fact, it's what I want to do, 

No!  

I can't think this way!

My breaths become shaky, 

My heart is pounding too fast, 

I want to rip it out of my chest, 

Because I know that I've lost, 

Something will go down, 

Sorry isn't good enough, 

Or even close, 

To how my guilt is.

I'm not in control anymore. 

I've had it, 

Violent thoughts consume me, 

Even plans, 

It's as though I'm Dexter, 

Poisoned with a mind of a Killer.

I watch myself grab the closest source, 

The closest one who doesn't get it, 

Goddammit, 

I think as I grab someone's neck, 

How wonderful the flesh feels, 

Luckily I can't rip it out.

My hands start to squeeze, 

Who am I hurting, 

I don't know, 

But I hear chocking, 

I hear myself shout, 

I'm shouting demands, 

Not to mention the language I am using, 

Hold up! 

That is NOT how I speak!

I soon see who I am hurting, 

My own friend, 

My nieces, 

My siblings, 

I look into their eyes, 

And I see fear, 

My hands shake, 

And they break free.

I can't even bring them back, 

My hands look as though I'm still squeezing, 

Tears run down my face, 

Finally after all that!?

I can't find any words, 

Only one, 

And it's a word I hate.

Falling to my knees, 

Breathing heavily, 

I manage to cry out, 

"I'm sorry!"

Sorry isn't good enough, 

What monster attacks their friends? 

Even worse, what bastard has the ability to hurt children? 

I hear all footsteps run away, 

"You have problems!" 

"Get away from me!"  

"What the fuck happened to you!?" 

"Get your attitude under control!" 

That is all I get.

I deserve that, 

At least, 

Most of it, 

Not the attitude. 

I didn't have one, 

But now that you've said it, 

The cycle comes back, 

And I hear myself growl this time.

You still don't get it, 

You think I'm doing this on purpose, 

And that I just have an anger problem, 

Well, 

I don't, 

But I am sick of arguing over it, 

It's the fucking noise that gets me, 

NOT a mother-fucking emotional issue!

You weren't included in the list, 

Wanna know why? 

Because if I did do this to you, 

I'd have no regret. 

Your a fucking idiot, 

For not running away, 

Because you have dug your own grave!

I scream again, 

That last stanza, 

It really does come from my head, 

I hate it! 

How did I get so violent!? 

I could never hurt anyone, 

And everyone knows it.

I feel so alone, 

No one will take me to see help, 

They don't believe me, 

I guess as usual, 

They don't know me at all, 

Even though I'm their kid. 

I'm running out of ideas, 

Everything stops after some time, 

And I really am afraid that this will happen. 

It did happen to my friend, 

Who to my surprise, 

Is still there for me, 

And tries to help.

But she can only do so much, 

She can't be with me all the time, 

I can't be stopped when the switch is flipped, 

The thought of actually choking anyone, 

Or stabbing them, 

It kills me.

I stay away from everyone, 

I try not to seem noticeable, 

I still try to ignore the ignorant comments without a reply,  

But I can only hold so much. 

If this doesn't change, 

I will have to figure out a plan, 

Especially with people, 

Who can't defend at all, 

Are living with me.

Everyone thought I couldn't isolate myself more than I do, 

But this is it, 

Don't even strike a conversation, 

Just say hello and leave, 

Don't touch me, 

And don't, 

And I mean don't, 

Make me do anything, 

Or else you too, 

Might witness, 

Whatever the hell grew inside me.

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