Life behind a smile

This more then a story, its a living nightmare about a girl and what really happened in her life. Many around her thinks they know the real her but they only know what she lets them.. hidden behind all the acts is a broken lost girl who doesn't understand the meaning of life but only the pain and hatred that happens to find her.. step into her world for a second and see the real her. Each chapter provide a clue on what she goes through. However chapter One is a complete trueful inside .

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4. And so I write

    Life has always been black and white to me; very few times I seen the colors that everyone else sees. All I ever known is sadness, loneliness and rejection. I'm now 21 and each day is a battle to live because all I want is to see the colors everyone else sees. I smile and try to find the happiness I desire and long for but giving up seems to be the right thing the more I go on. Oh why can I make the ones I've grown to love happy? Why can't they understand me how I want them to ? So I write.. write to stop the ague that boils deep down in my soul to take this blade that lays just inches away and cut open my vine.Let the blood drain and my soul leave my body into the unknown that awaits. I want to please everyone so I do as told but I've done what was ask short from their exceptions. Not for the love of my mother at a young age or my biological father who used me for his own gain. Not for my friends the little that i have or for the one who I call mines. Yet I still try to and fail time after time. So I write..to not walk in front of a train and disappear from the lives of others that I cause pain. A burden to my step father is what I've been  but my mother says he seen me as his daughter since the age of one.. So why does he put his daughters needs first? And everyone else last? Why do me and the other two daughters that aren't his had to struggle at a certain age to fight for what we needed or get things from others? Why does he act so differently with us? Questions I will never get answers to because in the eyes of my mother he is a saint..and so I write to not cause rage in others when I speak; to not have them misinterpret what I mean. Love is war. War is what keeps this family together. Rapists who takes advantage of family members , Members who are former or recently affiliated with gangs, violence and hatred that fills the souls of most, are what you will find. You don't get to grow up with a normal childhood when you're born as a family member. And so I write... to escape from the harsh reality. I pushed all I had into school to make mom proud since I first started. It worked, she bragged about her smart daughter to the family. Then I started to be used.. For their work, college papers, helping their kids, anything they can come up with before I even got to finish middle school. Exceptions from everyone went up before I knew it and I felt hallow. My sisters took the opportunity to all me a nerd, geek, the weird one. In time it went to the white pale sister who was too tall and didn't seem to look related. My sisters weren't the only ones who took the opportunity to show me all my flaws. School became another nightmare of it's own. And so I write to not put the rope around my neck and take the leap off the chair.  

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