I Always Will Remember (A Louis Tomlinson Fanfiction) *COMPLETE*

Alice and Irene, two Italian university students, finally manage to have One Direction tickets for their Stadium tour! The band is having one Italian date in the same town where the girls attend university: what happens when they accidentally meet two of the boys around?
See what happens that changes their lives forever!


____ **Some swear words and mature content here and there**____

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31. Chapter Thirty

Can't believe you're packing your bags

Trying so hard not to cry

Had the best time and now it's the worst time
But we have to say goodbye

 

This was too much.

It was the worst thing I could have seen in the state I was: Zayn and Louis expressively wanted me and Irene to know they had dedicated this song to us. In front of everyone.

Yeah, they didn't reveal our names publicly, but... knowing they were addressing to me just broke my heart into thousand pieces.

That song simply was too perfect: it fitted my situation in the most incredible way, and Louis chose to let me know how he felt about it through the lyrics of that wonderful song. As it went on, I pictured myself back in that hotel room, the time I opened the door at night and found Louis behind it, the sensation of having him right near me, the warmth of his body holding me and making me feel like I belonged somewhere, for once in my life.

When Louis' voice came in, and the camera zoomed on him, I tried so hard to hold my sobs because everyone in the house was already sleeping, but I had to press a pillow on my mouth to suffocate the sound because I was literally crying my heart out and gasping for air: his face definitely showed he was feeling that song deep inside, and when he opened his eyes at the end of his verse, they where shining like diamonds.

“Oh Louis...” was all I was able to mumble among the sobs and cries, my whole body hurting with real physical pain, but I kept on watching the performance, unable to move.

 

So please don't make this any harder
We can't take this any further
And I know there's nothing that I wanna change, change

 

There were plenty of things that I wanted to change! Why the hell wasn't I brave enough to admit it? I wanted to be with Louis, maybe not for the rest of my life, but surely we were drifted away too soon! We were so good for each other but I had been too scared that he might reject the ideas I had for our future: I didn't dare to ask him to call me or anything, pretending to be fine with it.

Now, all of that fear seemed so ridiculous, useless and silly. I had missed the opportunity of a lifetime, not telling him all of the truth, and the new consciousness I had now about my behaviour dragged me into a state of deep hatred for my own self. I felt the urge of hurting myself, but instead I turned everything off and went outside, breathing some fresh air and trying to gain some control on me again. But this time I couldn't. I could not accept it.

The weight of regret was simply too huge for me.

 

Seeing Louis singing that song to me didn't give me any certainty about us, about how we should have lived our relationship, that was for sure: I didn't see it as a confession of eternal love or any bullshit like that. It just made me feel the biggest asshole of all times for not trying, at least.

I didn't even try to convince him to stay here, or follow him on the other side of the world if he wanted me to: I gave up before even fighting for it, just as easy as that.

Anyway, the worst thing of it all was the certainty that I would have never forgiven myself for this.

I took a few steps inside the garden, the wet grass tickling my ankles, with cold air slightly moving my hair: my cheeks were soaked with tears, and my eyes were burning and hurting but in that moment I couldn't feel anything. I lied down on the meadow, careless about the low temperature, with darkness surrounding me, just wanting to rest there with nobody bothering me.
It was like my soul had been tore off from me.

 

 

 

 

I spent the following two days almost in a coma.

I woke up in the morning, not knowing why I was still alive, and a strong sensation of uneasiness immediately was with me, keeping me company every moment of the day. I had to attend my university lessons, but it was like I wasn't even there, my eyes staring outside the window: of course I tried to look fine but everyone noticed there was something wrong with me, not daring to ask anything, and I was glad of that. I would have pretended it was something meaningless anyway.

I hated everything and everyone, even though it wasn't nobody's fault but mine. The only person whose voice I could stand was Irene, but she knew it was better to leave me alone, 'cause I always preferred dealing with that kind of things on my own.

What I was feeling most of the time was some kind of strangeness, as if I had just been thrown into that world which I wasn't used to, not knowing how to behave and feeling out of place everytime.

I was driven by an automatic force that allowed me to walk, breath, eat and so on, but without it I would have sit on the floor in my room, staring at Louis' face on my wall, feeling nothing at all, then suddenly experiencing a rush of pain and despair, throwing books and pillows on the wall with all of my strength – and I did it for real, the first day –, then going back to comfortable emptiness.

 

I kept on trying to avoid thoughts about him but there were times when it was impossible. When I was with other people it was easier because I could pretend I was interested in them, but when I was alone, on the bus trip, all of the things I wanted to forget where there again.

Listening to music was a bad idea: every lyric reminded me of him, even the most cryptic ones, and I ended up skipping every single song in a nervous breakdown.

Being silent and looking outside was bad as well: flashes of images suddenly appeared in my head – his beautiful turquoise eyes when he looked at me, his bearded cheeks, his soft voice and the smell of his skin –, and I regularly cried silently out of nowhere, wiping my tears away with my sleeve, hoping no one could see me. I wasn't just a fan anymore, I loved him the way human beings love each other when they realise they're meant to be together.

All things must pass.

But when? How long am I suppose to stand this? It's too much. I want it to end!

I had a life ahead of me but I wasn't sure I wanted to live it that way, and yet I struggled between the pain of being without him and the strong rationality I owned that kept telling me he was just a boy, I could have had someone else whenever I wanted, and I just had to be strong a little longer.

But I was tired of being strong.

What was the point of it when I was that unhappy?

Anyway, I couldn't see any solution beside waiting till it was over.

Louis hadn't looked for me in any way, he didn't contact me after the show in Milan, and I was aware he was leaving on the following day after the Italian dates, going back to the UK, which meant a thousand miles were about to be between us. I didn't know where they were and what they were doing during the whole time, just isolating myself hoping it would help me in some way.

I felt stupid but... I was too proud to be the one looking for him. Why should it be me?

He was probably thinking about someone else or, at least, he already had more important things to take care of, so I was strongly held back from doing anything to reach for him, and let him know how I really felt like.

That's not pride. That's called 'being a coward'.

For once, the voices inside my head were probably right but they made no difference at all: whatever it was called like, I was stuck in that hideous state of mind, deeply convinced that it should have probably gone like that. I trusted fate, and if that shit was what I deserved for not being brave enough, well... I should have stopped asking why and just sink into it.

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