1. the letter

Dear Louis,

    It’s so hard, and I don’t know what I’m doing, but at the same time, I know exactly. It’s scary as well, and I’m huddled in the corner of my bathroom, with a blanket around my shoulders because the tile is so cold. It’s so cold it’s making me tremble a lot harder than I want. I’m so tense, and honestly I’m looking for every single possible way out but there is none anymore. And I realized that today. Louis, YOU'VE CHANGED. And I love you so much, so much it is physically and mentally painful. But yet you’ve still changed.

It’s like they brainwashed you, and I finally realized it with how you looked at me today. After I was crying and screaming at you, after you told me you were engaged to her.

 You looked at me as though I never meant anything to you, and it clicked. You no longer loved me, and never would again.


It’s like you became a shell of a person after management started to make you the punching bag. I wish so badly I had stepped in, had fought harder for what we have- what we had. I believe it’s my time, Louis. I believe that the world has had enough of me, and I have had enough of the world. I have had an extraordinary life and I wouldn’t change it but for the fact that I lost you in the way I never imagined I would. I left my mark on this world, and I’m ready for the next, because where ever it may be, the door will open and you shall be awaiting me there. Old Louis, the one that I fell in love with, and the one that loved me right back. I made the mistake of looking at my reflection today, saw the tattoo under my arm for you.

 A simple Hi, but it is so much more.

 I know you remember it too, the day we first met in those toilets. How I was washing my hands, and I saw you walk in. I was in shock, honestly. I knew you instantly, but I don’t know how. It’s foreign still to me now, Louis but I think it was fate. Fate was smiling when she made my mouth open and that nervous and pre-pubescent “Hi” come crawling its way out.

 The way you smiled at me still gives me chills, the way your eyes crinkled up at the sides and you waved slightly. I wasn’t gay, and still to this day don’t know what I am, but I know I fell in love with you and had no clue that the stars would align in such a way that I would get to spend nearly every day with you.

But maybe that was our downfall. I often wonder what it would have been like if we went off still in our solo career, would we have somehow managed to keep in touch and fallen in love out of the sight of the world?

Or would we have gone our separate ways and never talked again?

 I don’t know, but I wish it was easier than it turned out to be. You turned into a stranger, and I can’t bare it any longer.

 Do you remember our first kiss? Well of course you do, how could you forget. How we were shuffling about in the X-factor house, going up those stairs to our rooms- and it was late. How we were laughing about something ridiculous, how happy we both were, and then I couldn’t help myself. How I grabbed your hand and pulled you to a gentle stop on the stairs and awkwardly pressed my lips to yours.

 I had been startled, but when I pulled away you were grinning from ear to ear- that same smile as it had been the very first time I had seen it. You thanked me, and then we both nervously laughed at how dumb we must sound. And how I desperately reached for your hand and intertwined our fingers as we walked the rest of the way up the stairs. You just squeezed it right back and kept smiling at me.

 I wonder where that went, it’s still in there- in you- I suppose- that smile. I want to see it but nothing has made either of us smile in a long few months.

 Some people say that suicide is the cowards way out, but I think the polar opposite. It takes a massive amount of courage to face death- but I’m positive that whatever is next is better than this. It’s a bitter medicine but I’m almost looking forward to it. I’m just glad I won’t be here for when you find me. I don’t know how you’ll react, but I hate seeing you cry. You rarely do, and when I first saw you cry it was honestly mortifying. It was the day they paired you with Eleanor because of us. You sat on the couch next to me and sobbed, sobbed so hard that your voice was cracking and chest was heaving. I only saw it twice after that, and I’m glad I won’t be here for the last because I think it will be the worst.

I just want you to know that I’ll be waiting for you when the time comes, Louis. I’m sitting here, reflecting on everything and it feels as though I’ve swallowed a horse pill dry. It’s painfully quiet, and I’m crying because I know I’ll miss you when I first go. I’m remembering the first time we had sex. In that damned, small tent. It had been cold, and we were snuggled in those thermal blankets. I wouldn’t change anything about those days. I saw us getting married, Louis. I saw us adopting kids, raising a family and retiring away into the mountains when we got old. But that view is obstructed and far away from sight now, and it feels distant- the fact that I ever believed that would happen. I’m so cold, Louis, and I need your warmth. I want your arms wrapped around me, but you’ve become incapable. I saw your tweet the other day. About how the people that believe we’re in love are lost causes. Is that what I am, Louis? A lost cause?

It makes sense, you stopped trying to console me a long time ago. So I guess it’s true, how wrecked I am with the fact I’m still madly in love with you even though I can’t have you. So I can pass with that label- a lost cause.I took several pills, Louis. More than several actually- I lost count after 12. I just want to go painlessly, but I’m realizing that’s not possible. Dying can’t be painless because you lose too much. Things are beginning to become blurry, and I’m getting further terrified. I’m shaking and crying, but I keep thinking about that smile of yours Louis. I keep reminding myself that the afterlife will be fine as long as you’re there smiling like that again. I can barely see now, and it’s hard to even tell what I’m writing because my hands are so numb. I guess it’s time for me to go, I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t forget that I never stopped loving you, and I hope you remember that even when I’m gone I’ll love you.

 I just wish that spark hadn’t been smothered out of you, Louis. So I guess I’ll just wait a lifetime after another until it becomes a kindling fire again. I can’t feel anything, so this is really goodbye.

 I love you so much, Boobear.

 Always yours,




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