Princess Who?

For the Level Up gaming competition.
Princess Peach talks about her time in the series.

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1. Princess Who?

I sigh to myself and look in the mirror. I don’t like what I see. It wasn’t my idea to bleach my hair, I would rather be my natural brown. It also wasn’t my idea to be the damsel in distress, I stressed to the writers that I wanted to be one of the plumbers. Unfortunately my contract prevents me from doing any of the things I want to do. Who would want to sit in a castle all day with a malodorous dinosaur who calls himself ‘Bowser’, waiting for an unfit plumber who may or may not rescue you? I certainly didn’t.

‘Apply’ my mother said, ‘It will get you other roles’ my mother said. Well twenty eight years later and here I am, stuck in the same dead end job. Occasionally they let me do something fun. I got to try go kart racing that one time… Now Super Princess Peach, that was a good game. It had everything a game could ask for but still they went back to the original format. Why I ever took this job in the first place I will never know.

Oh wait, I remember now. I was going through a nasty divorce at the time and the rotten lowlife took me for all I had. It was this or selling kebabs on the hard shoulder. It’s not all bad I suppose, I mean you get free food. Except that I can’t eat much of it because my character has to be ‘skinny’. The worst thing is working with my ex. They always tell you: never ever mix business with pleasure. Well I can tell you now; I wish I listened to that advice. He was a nice guy but there wasn’t much going on up there if you know what I mean. I can’t even wear green anymore because he’ll say, ‘first you call my mom fat, then you key my car and now you take my colour. What next Peach?’ Honestly, he is so petty.

It’s not just the people I have to deal with either. I could handle the dinosaur, heck I could even handle his minions but you put in a lava pit and you’ve gone a step too far. Are they trying to kill me? Hell, I’ve only got three lives! I went to the producers and I said, ‘Garry, I have had it up to here with your rubbish.’ What do they do? They put me in a bikini and make Super Mario Strikers. Never mind that it’s in the middle of winter! Some days I wish I went to Disney instead, you know?

I haven’t had a break in so long; last time I had one was years ago. I went to the South of France. They had some other Princess take over for me, Maisy or Daisy or something. Anyway, she’d dating Luigi now so I’m off the hook. I have to say, and it may be the hormones, but Mario is looking fit recently. It could be that moustache. I’ve always been a sucker for a moustache. Also the colour red really brings out his eyes. If I could just get Toadette to get her greasy paws of him for one minute I might have a chance.

I got an offer the other day to be part of some new series. I think it’s called Halo, but I can’t be sure. I don’t know what it’s about but the pay is a hell of a lot better than I get here. Then again, I sort of like my job in a bizarre twisted way. 

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