Even If.

"You'd love me? Even if it's not you who I choose?" I whispered to him.
"Even if," he swore.

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20. Sixteen.

Song for the chapter: Happily by One direction. Sidenote, buy their new album it's perfff:)

*_*

Three days.

It was three days of not hearing a word from neither Jack nor Finn.

Three days.

On Sunday I spent a whole hour staring at my cell phone, daring myself to pick it up and call either one of them. I never found the right words to say, so I never had the courage to call.

Of course they left.

Honestly, I wasn't too surprised on that fact, though it didn't make it any easier for me.

I kissed James.

The kiss had been entirely platonic of course. We were just acting for the cameras.

But that didn't make it any easier for them.

I missed them.

I'm pretty sure there hadn't been a time before this where we went a day without texting each other at least once or sending a cheeky little tweet.

But right then, for three days, I got nothing.

It wasn't just me who got nothing too. Jack and Finn's twitters went dorment.

It's practically a crime for someone of their status to not send out any tweets for a day. The fans crave it.

But no one has seen them for three days straight.

Not a word, not a sound. It's like they completely vanished off of the face of this earth.

My heart ached.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

Those three words played on repeat for most of those three days. The thing was, I didn't know who exactly I was thinking about, Finn or Jack.

It's like my heart knew something that my mind didn't.

It was agonizing. 

I racked my brain yet again, trying to decipher who was the one I really loved.

But so far, nothing came up. I literally drove myself crazy.

Maybe that was why I was still awake at 3 AM.

I needed to sleep. In fact, I hadn't slept at much at all during the three days.

I was kept awake with thoughts that maybe they wouldn't want to be with me anymore. Maybe it wasn't worth it anymore to deal with me and all my broken pieces.

I just wanted to see them.

So I went.

*_*

I knew he was up there. I could see his silhouette in the darkness. 

My heart started beating double time at the sight of him.

I tried to walk quietly up the stairs to the patio, but let's face it. Quiet is not my strong suit. 

I knocked over a bucket. 

Finn peered over the edge and began to laugh.

"Nice entrance," he remarked.

"Why thank you. I practiced," I shook my head in embarrassment. He held out his hand and helped me up. I settled down next to him and just sat there looking at him.

"Finn, I'm so sorr-" I tried to apologize, but was cut off by his lips against mine.

I shuddered at the kiss and moved my hands toward his face, to make sure this was real. It was.bl

I love you, I thought again. It was then that I figured out I had said it aloud, against his lips.

He broke off the kiss and started placing kisses along my neck and jawline

"I love you," he whispered, his eyes closed and his forehead leaning on mine.

I pulled him in for a hug because I needed to feel his arms around me.

"I'm sorry," I repeated into his shoulder, the sound coming out muffled. Finn pulled away from the hug and looked at me.

He nodded with a weak smile. He didn't need to say anything, but I knew he had forgiven me.

"I'm sorry for going extinct for the past three days," he chuckled softly at the thought. It was then that I finally got a good look at him. His hair was ruffled, his eyes wild with dark circles beneath them. He looked like he hadn't slept in days either.

"Your fans are going crazy," I pointed out.

"I doubt it," he trailed off, his mind obviously in a different place.

"How are you doing, Finn? Be honest," I asked him.

"Honestly, not very good. I've been... thinking," he told me.

Oh crap this won't be good.

"About what?" I replied, my voice quivering. 

"Well, first of all I can't live without you. I figured that out these past couple of days, I mean look at me. I'm not doing too good and it's only been 3 days. Then I started thinking, how could I spend forever without you by my side?" he said, looking up at the stars.

I choked back a sob. I wanted him so much.

"I know this is hard for you Beth, but I'm not sure how much longer I can take not being able to be with you for real," Finn told me hesitantly, not knowing how I would respond.

Before he told me that, I'd never understood that by me stalling the decision between Jack and Finn, I was hurting them. The more they fell in love with me, the harder it would be for one of them to get over me. I was leading them on.

"Oh gosh Finn, I've been so selfish," I shook my head.

"Come here," he motioned for me to come closer to him. I scooted over and let him put his arms around me.

"We'll figure it out, okay?" he said, stroking my hair.

"Okay."

*_*

My eyes fluttered open to see brightness.

I squinted and looked over to see Finn fast asleep.

We'd fallen asleep on the roof.

"Finn," I nudged him, my voice cracking.

"What?" he muttered, eyes still closed, his morning voice breaking through.

"We fell asleep on the roof. Wake up," I laughed.

"But I don't want to," he chucked.

"Finn, if you don't get up and kiss me right now, then I'll push you off of this roof," I warned him. He sprang forward.

"I'm up, I'm up!" he said while rubbing his eyes before leaning over and kissing me.

"Hmm, you need to find Jack, don't you?" he guessed after pulling away.

"Yeah, thanks for understanding," I smiled gratefully.

"Is he in his room?" I asked.

"Nah, he spent the night at the office last night. He hasn't been sleeping either, so he decided to get some editing done," Finn told me.

"Thank you Finn," I hugged him, "I better go. Love you."

"Wait, you might want to brush your teeth first. Your breath stinks," he joked. I laughed and playfully hit him in the arm.

"Don't worry, we have some stuff you can use. Come on," he smiled and held out his hand.

*_*

"Your hair is so pretty," Emmy admired as she helped me curl it. She insisted on making me over, and I thought it was adorable of her so I let her continue. Turns out her makeup and hair skills weren't too bad.

Finn gave me one of his grey v-necks to wear with my black leggings and black Converse, and Emmy helped me curl my ombre hair and pinned a black bow in the back, insisting that I kept it as a gift.

I had never spent much time with Emmy before, but now that I had, I noticed how Jack and Finn had influenced her. She was careful with everything she did and approached things with concentration and patience, like Finn, yet she was light and easy to talk to and had the cutest sense of humor, like Jack. It was hard not to love her.

"Thank you so much Emmy, I love everything you did!" I laughed and gave her a hug.

"No problem. I love doing stuff like this! You look awesome!" she hugged me back.

"I'll see you later, little one," I joked and she laughed.

"Bye Beth!" she said to me and I got up to leave.

"Wait!" she yelled and ran over to me with a bottle of perfume that was unfamiliar to me.

I stuck out my neck and she gave me a little spritz and giggled.

"There," she laughed before letting me go. I met Finn again in the hallway and gave him a quick kiss.

"Thanks again Finn. I don't know what I would've done without the help of you and your extra toothbrush," I laughed.

"No problem. Go find Jack," he told me.

"Love you Finn!" I called back as I walked out the door.

"Love you Beth," he laughed and shook his head behind me.

*_*

I walked down the hallway of the office and turned when I saw the doorway to the JacksGap space. My heart was pounding and I swore he could hear it from where he was.
#
The door was cracked open slightly and I spotted Jack sitting on a chair facing away from me, drumming his fingers on the table along with the beat of Happily by One Direction that was blasting out of the speakers of his iMac. 

The song started with Harry singing. 

You don't understand, you don't understand

What you do to me when you hold his hand.

We were meant to be but a twist of fate

Made it so you had to walk away.


It was then that I realized why he was listening to this song. He told me awhile back that he didn't mind One Direction, but he didn't exactly prefer them. But he was listening to this song because it applied to us. It killed him to watch Finn and I be together and it killed him even more to see James and me together.

His head hung low like he was tired, and it dawned on me that he probably hadn't slept the past three days as well.

Jack's hair was even messier than usual, and his plain white tee shirt looked wrinkled and rumpled, and the couch in the corner had a blanket folded over like he'd tried to sleep but threw the covers off. 

I continued to watch him from the doorway and slowly began inching my way in through the door. He didn't move or notice me.

This was when Jack got up and started yelling at the top of his lungs to the chorus with more emotion than I could ever have.

"I don't care what people say when we're together!" he screamed while looking up at the ceiling with his arms out.

"You know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep," his emotion changed with this line. He sang it softer, with more thought, and I began to wish that I could know what he was thinking right then.

"I just want it to be you and I forever!" he sang loudly, and I could feel his jealously toward Finn and James.

"I know you wanna leave, so come on, baby be with me so happily," this was the line that he broke down on. He fell to his knees and ran his hands through his hair, and by then I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't watch him get hurt even more.

I ran over to him with tears running down my cheeks, saying his name over and over again and he whipped around and I could see the tears in his eyes that matched mine.

I was standing about 2 feet away from him when he stood up and walked towards me. 

Before I could say anything, he held my face in his hands and kissed me senseless.

Every one of my senses was heightened. The kiss was intense.

He kissed me with every single thing that he had. 

He then pulled away and whispered, "I love you," with a trembling voice.

This was not the I Love You that gets thrown around by people who might not mean it. This was not the I Love You that becomes a routine; repeated just for the sake of politeness. This was not the I Love You that is shared between friends that are close. This was not an I Love You to be taken lightly.

He meant it with every single piece of him. He loved me, truly, madly, and deeply.

I moved my mouth toward his ear and whispered, "I love you" right back to him. He pulled me close and I buried my face into his shoulder.

We stood there, in the middle of his dark office space, for a long time, never saying a word. Not because we didn't know what to say, but that we'd already said what we needed to say, without exchanging barely any words.

"Tell me something, Jack," I quivered with my tear stained eyes, pulling away from our embrace.

"Anything," he muttered.

"Why did you go away?" 

Silence.

"Jack, you told me you loved me and you still went away. Why?" I asked him, my voice breaking.

"Ernest Hemingway," he mumbled.

"Huh?" I weakly chuckled.

"That first night we kissed, you recited that Tyler Knott Gregson poem, remember? The one about broken pieces?" he tried to remind me.

"Of course I remember," I replied, "it's always been one of my favorites."

"Well since then, I've been looking at more poetry and stuff, even if that sounds kind of lame, but anyways, I found this Ernest Hemingway one that explains why I left," he told me, his cheeks blushing with embarrassment that he'd been researching poetry.

"What does it say?"

He sighed and with a small voice and said, "I didn't want to kiss you goodbye- that was the trouble- I wanted to kiss you goodnight."

His words began to set in.

"Already, I was feeling pretty rough about this whole thing with You, Me, and Finn. I didn't want to share you anymore, you know?"

I nodded and encouraged him to go on.

"Well, I couldn't face you and just say goodbye again, if that makes any sense," he stuttered, and I smiled. He's so cute.

"Good answer," I grinned.

"And now I have a question," Jack said.

"Why did you wait three days to do this?" He asked.

"Honestly, I don't even know. I did try calling a couple times and when I ran by your house, you guys weren't there, so i just stayed home and did a lot of thinking," I confessed.

"Oh did you now?" He joked.

"Yeah, I did. And I know what I need to do."

"And what is that?" he smiled. 

"I'm making my decision by next week."

*_*

Author's note:

YOYOYOYOYOOOOO! 

Sorry if that last paragraph is in italics, wattpad started being stupid. 

Wellllllllll I have a bit of explaining to do... This chapter took forever, I know. Let's just say that there's a LOT going on in my life right now. Haha.

But I promise you that these next few chapters are gonna rockkkk.

No more fillers. Just action.

And now I bring up a sad thing. 

This story is going to end. I'm kinda stating the obvious, but I mean it's going to end soon. I'd say roughly 4-5 more full sized, action packed chapters. Maybe even 6. And on top of that will be an epilogue, and I promise that you have tonsss to look forward to!!


Vote and comment!

Much love, 

Hannalizzy

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