Even If.

"You'd love me? Even if it's not you who I choose?" I whispered to him.
"Even if," he swore.

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23. Nineteen.

At that moment everything came crashing down inside me. I couldn't find the words to speak so I uttered nothing. I couldn't summon any tears so my eyes stayed dry.

Every desire in my heart to have a normal family was shattered. It sounds silly now, but before my dad told me the news of my mother's death, I thought he might help to set her straight. Maybe once he came back she'd drop her wine glass and be back to normal and I could have somewhere to go for Christmas and someone to call when life was just too much. I'd have a real mom again. But now, none of that was possible. She was gone.

"I- I..." I choked and a large lump rose in my throat. 

"Beth, I'm so sorry," my dad responded with a sympathetic expression. 

We sat in silence until I could get all my crap together. 

"When's the funeral?" I finally managed to ask, though my voice was small and broken.

"3 days. They asked that you'd come with me earlier to read the will."

"When do we leave?" 

"I bought you and I a ticket for tonight, if that's alright," he said.

Every chance I had of a good Christmas now was gone. What else was there to lose?

"That's fine. If it's alright with you I'd like to go and pack," I muttered, my mind clouded with the words "she's dead" bouncing back and fourth in my head.

"Perfect. I'll pick you up at 7, flight leaves at 8," he reported. I nodded and began to gather my things.

"And Beth?" His words broke my reverie. I looked up at him and his eyes bore into mine.

"I'm really sorry. I'll miss her too." 

The only action I could manage was a short nod before I walked away and out of the doors into the bitter Winter wind.

*_*

With my bags packed and my eyes still refusing to produce tears, I wanted to jump on that airplane and fly away. But he wasn't there yet.

I was sat in my kitchen with Zeus and my backpack at my feet, drumming my fingers along the counter top.

I looked like crap. As I tried to at least freshen up before my dad picked me up, the mirror made sure to let me know how horrid I looked.

I felt like crap. My emotions felt all mushy and overused. I had felt so many different feelings within the past 3 days and by now my heart was just like "what up I'm done".

Before I could continue my list
of how crappy I was feeling, the shrill sound of the doorbell shattered my thoughts. I jumped up and opened it, slinging my backpack over my shoulder, looking down.

"I'm ready to go," I said as I adjusted my outfit and pulled my backpack strap closer to my neck. It felt heavy. Just like my heart.

I looked up expecting to see my dad but instead was looking straight into the beautiful eyes of Jackson Harries.

"Wait, what? Where are you going?" He asked me confusedly. 

I sighed and let my backpack fall to the floor. Could my day get any worse? Now I had to tell him.

"I'm just... Leaving for awhile."

"Leaving? What? Why? Where are you going? When are you leaving? Who are you going with?" Jack fired question after question at me and stepped closer to me, setting his hand lightly on my arm.

"None of that matters right now, Jack," I whispered, trying not to scream at how painful it was for my heart to hurt so badly.

"Yes it does matter. I love you and want to be with you, Beth. I want to be by your side during every up and down of this crazy life we're leading. Let me go with you," he told me and when I looked into his eyes I saw he was feeling the same emotion I was. Pain. 

"I know that Jack, and I love you too, but I have to do this alone, okay? It's only for a few days." I tried to compensate for how much pain I was causing him, because the truth was, it wasn't not being able to see me for a few days that was causing this pain in him. He knew that soon enough I'd make my choice between him and Finn. And he wanted so badly for it to be him.

He stepped so close to me that I could hardly breathe.

"Please don't leave me, Beth," he whispered barely audibly. His warm breath tickled my cheeks, making them flush, and his pleading eyes bore into mine. 

"Please," he repeated before his lips crashed onto mine. 

This wasn't just any kiss.

This was the most perfect kiss that I'd ever experienced, out of all the kisses we had shared.

His lips were soft and gentle against mine and the kiss was laced with pure love. Not the kind of love that only exists physically, and usually at night in the bed. It was then, at that moment, that I knew how deeply he really did love me and how I felt the exact same. We had fallen in love with each other's souls. Even the dustiest corners of his soul I loved and wanted to reach. 

"Please don't leave," he rested his forehead against mine and whispered again so tenderly.

My heart did a back flip in my chest.

"Jack, I'm sorry," I choked out and tears filled my eyes as I pressed my lips once more against his , "but I still have to do this. I'll see you later," I promised against his lips.

His expression was filled with so much hurt as I stepped back through the doorway and closed the door, that once he was out of sight, I crumbled to my knees.

All of it was just too much. First of all, I had to make a choice between the two greatest men on the planet, second of all, my dad shows right back up in my life after years of loneliness, and my mother leaves the earth. It's enough to take a toll on a person.

I took my face in my hands and cried and screamed and leaned my back against the door.

The strangest thing was that I could almost feel Jack on the other side of the door, doing the exact same thing as I.

*_* 

Author's note:

Whoa man. Intense feelings whuddup.

Sorry this update took forever, Christmas is super busy for me as it is for everyone:)

I know this one was super short but I packed it to the brim with emotional ties lol mwhahahah satan made me cause you all the feels

It's about to get good guys. Stay tuned. 

Byeeeeeee

-hannalizzy 

Xoxo

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