Dear Person.

Dear Person,
Everything changed once. Yet again it has...maybe for the better?

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1. Diary entry 1- (Catch-up)

Dear Person, 
    Lately I've had nothing but nightmares.  I can't workout what they mean exactly.  Last night I dreamed that I was standing on the edge of a dirt road crying while I was pelted with harsh rain.  My arms where bleeding?  I woke up...and checked.  My scars are still there.  I've gotten better, but my dreams seem to disagree.  I don't remember the last time I had a decent dream, or a decent slumber.  Grandma wants me to go to therapy again.  She keeps pushing it, practically shoving it down my throat.  Therapy seems to be the answer to everything.  When Andrew broke up with me? Therapy... When Grandpa died? Therapy... When I couldn't eat? Therapy... And when I stopped speaking, eating, communicating? Therapy! You'd think she would know it doesn't help after all that.  Yet, when I hurt myself she says no to therapy and yes to keeping me locked in my room to "Think about the repercussions of my actions".  Right...that really helped a lot.  But, now that I haven't been able to sleep...I want therapy.  For once I feel I'd benefit from talking to  someone.  Since I lost ties with everyone after my incident, I need this.  I wonder how long it will take for them to fade?  A girl I met at therapy once, she would cut the top of her wrist not where people usually do.  She said that that she had cut almost a year ago...and they where still very visible.  Then again she cut quite deep, I didn't really.  I didn't want to die? I just needed to feel.  That's what she said too, she said she was numb, still was.  I felt numb up until then.  Once I took the first cut I felt relief.  It was like my stress was being lifted slowly with a small string.  I remember passing out, it was 4 a.m. and grandma was asleep.  The day before Andrew asked how I was, knowing full well I wouldn't respond.  After I saw him with her, the girl her currently controls...I stopped speaking to him.  I never said anything to him about it.  I just stopped answering his messages, avoided him in the hallways and had grandma say I wasn't home when he would show up at our house.  He caught on after a week.  I was sitting in the corner of the lunch room at the end of my old friend Hal's table.  I saw Andrew enter, immediately I threw my head down showering my face with my hair.  I stared at the tile floor, there appeared blue nikes.  I knew he wasn't going to leave.  He stood there silent for a while.  Suddenly he said it, nice and loud, angry as hell.  I looked up and everyone starred as he said, "We're fucking through.  I'm done with your bullshi-- You're just not worth the work Jo."  I watched him helpless as he starred at me with a relentless gaze that seemed infectious among all the other students in the dinning hall.  I sat silent, smiled and nodded, trying to keep the tears pooling in my eyes from dripping.  People talked after that,  for weeks.  Andrew moved on in seconds.  Did I mention I gave it up...the same night I caught him with the other girl?  Yeah, not much of a fairy tale.  I guess I'm not much for that though, I intend to keep to myself from now on.  I'm only a few months away from graduation.  This all happened just a couple of months ago.  When I came back after my incident...everyone just kind of left me alone.  It's nice, but it can be really lonely.  My teachers even treat me differently, like I'm a bomb that's going to explode at any moment.  When we do group work everyone I'm with stay silent or talk silently among themselves.  I don't care to interact with anyone anymore.  I've lost all interest in school, friends, etc.  I've sent out millions of transcripts for college, grandma has been sending even more out behind my back (she doesn't know that I know.)  She's even sent applications over seas.  Think she's trying to get rid of me?  This has become a complete downward spiral.  Where did I go wrong? What point was rock bottom? How did it all happen SO fast?  It's just to complicated to comprehend right now.  I know I brought it upon myself.  Well, right now I want to sleep, not think.  I want to wake up feeling refreshed, happy, less anxious.  Maybe if I shut my eyes really tight, this will all have been a dream and life will be good again. 
Guess I've just got to keep wishing.
-Jo.

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