The Doubt of Moving On

Liam Payne was once in love. He was head over heels for her. He'd take the moon for her. But she did something that not only hurt him but his friends as well. He doesn't know what to do. All he can do is hang on to the past. Hang on to her. But he knows he needs to move on.
Ruby Adams was once happy. She was head over heels for a guy. She loved her brother more than anything. But the guy she loved did something to her which made her do something to her brother. She's a mess. All she can do is mope around. Not care about anything else. But she knows she needs to move on.
When their fates cross paths, will they finally do what they need to do all along?
*Don't need to read Chasing the Sun for this spinoff*

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28. Ruby's POV- Chapter 21

Chapter 21

 

Ruby’s POV

 

“Ruby, you shouldn’t have sent him away.” Michael told me as soon as Liam stormed out of my apartment. He stood beside me as I stared at the shut door that Liam just slammed when he walked out.

I did feel bad, trust me, I did but I always go with my gut feeling to send him away as soon as something like this happens. I know that does more harm than good but I just can’t tell him anything. There’s honestly nothing bad that’s happened to me in my past. I was brought up by amazing parents. Ryder and I were like two peas in a pod and I would protect Wes with my life.. I was popular but I wasn’t a bitch in high school. I was a great student, not to boast or anything. I’ve had three serious relationships before Liam and that was pretty much it.

There was honestly nothing I had to hide from Liam. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything. I always have this gut feeling to hide absolutely everything from him. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust him, I do trust him. I don’t know what it is. Now, I know that that would be how our relationship would end. It would end not because of me getting sick of his questions but because he was sick of me not telling him anything. 

“Do you even want me as a boyfriend?” That question played over and over in my head. The tears that were in my eyes finally started to fall down my cheeks. Of course I want him as a boyfriend. I would never ever think otherwise. Liam is amazing and I’m honestly so sorry for not acting like the amazing girlfriend he deserves.

“Ruby.” Michael said again. I finally broke out of my trance. I looked at him and carefully. I saw the tired look in his green eyes, the obvious black bags under them. His hair wasn’t in the normal almost-Austin-Butler style. It was worn out and in every direction. And man, his clothes. Michael hated tight shirts and baggy pants. He liked them the other way around; tight pants and baggy shirts. But the look in his eyes told me not to question it now because he would most likely explain. Actually, he didn’t have to. I know why he looks like this.

I took a deep breath in and let it out as calmly as I could but it came out a little shaky. I smiled nonetheless. “How are you?”

Michael laughed humourlessly. “Come on, Ruby.”

I sighed, knowing exactly what he meant. I waved him over to the sofa and he sat exactly where Liam sat before he came. I felt my heart clench at the thought of him. “Right. so why are you here?”

“First off, I want to say I’m sorry about Ryder. I don’t know how you guys got into an accident but I have this wretched gut feeling that it had something to do for me and you have no idea how much the guilt has eaten me up. I’m so so sorry, Ruby.” I could tell his apology really was sincere. I nodded my head in answer. I honestly don’t want to talk about Ryder right now. I already have enough guilt building up inside of me each time I think of him in that coma.

“Secondly, I want to tell you that what you saw that day was actually not what really happened. I’m not here to make you feel even more guilty about everything, I’m just here to explain. The girl you saw was my new neighbour. I was helping her move in next door because I like to help. Then I invited her over for some food because, you know, moving is exhausting and all that. But she mistook my niceness as me flirting and so she kissed me and you walked in just as she kissed me.” He told me.

Everything came crashing down at that moment. I spent days in my room crying over a silly misunderstanding. I got my brother into a coma for some silly misunderstanding. I took everything wrong and this is what I get for jumping to conclusions. I get my brother in to a coma for no reason! I was crying over something that could’ve been fixed with just a simple explanation. Why? Why did I have to be so quick to jump to a conclusion? Why couldn’t I have just waited a few minutes and heard him out? 

I’ve never felt so stupid in my life.

“Oh god.” I muttered. “Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.”

“Ruby, I’m sorry. i really am. I’m not here to beg for you to come back to me because I know you’re with Liam now. it’s all over the E! And there’s also the fact that you’re in love with him so-” I cut him off there.

“In love with him? Who said I was in love with him?” I asked him, a little shocked. How would he know if I was in love with him? I don’t even know if I’m in love with him.

“You don’t know yet? Ruby, how long have you been with him?” He asked me. 

“Four months in two weeks.” I answered almost immediately. 

“We told each other we loved each other after three months. I don’t know how you haven’t realised it, Rubes. Heck, I’ve realised it and I’ve only known the guy a few minutes. Come on, Ruby, what are you so afraid of?” He asked rhetorically but I couldn’t help but actually think of the answer for that question. What am I so afraid of?

Why am I so afraid of telling Liam everything? Why am I so afraid of telling him what I feel? Why am I so afraid of everything when it came to him? I was never like this. I was confident and I wasn’t afraid of anything. What happened?

“I think I should go. Think about what I said, okay. I really am sorry about Ryder and the misunderstanding and i hope you realise how much you love him because it’s obvious to everyone. Bye, Rubes.” He gave me a quick hug and left my apartment, leaving me in a mess of thoughts.

Did he have to talk about everything? Now my mind will explode from all the over thinking I’ll end up doing. 

I went to my room and changed into Liam’s blue shirt that I always go to bed in along with black shorts and got into my bed. I didn’t expect sleep to come but I closed my eyes anyway, hoping that I was wrong and I could get some sleep. But all I could think of was everything that Michael said.

I mistook everything that happened that day! How could I have been so stupid? I usually listen to explanations straight away. Why didn’t I with Michael? Why did I have to run away crying then spend days and days in my room crying? Why did I have to grab that steering wheel and put my brother into a coma? i could’ve prevented all that if I just stayed and listen! But no, I left because i automatically thought he was cheating on me. Michael’s a genuinely nice guy, how did I mistake him for cheating?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get back together with him. I’m over him but since he gave me that explanation, I’m left with a bunch of why’s and what ifs. I regret not listening to him, I regret getting into an accident because of a misunderstanding. I regret it all and i just wished November last year didn’t happen. Now Ryder’s been in a coma for almost nine months! I either have to flip the switch or keep hanging on to the hope that he’ll wake up soon. The doctors told me there’s no possible way of knowing he’d actually wake up and I’ve spent some days, especially in the last two weeks, praying he’d wake up to help me with whatever is going on between Liam and I.

Oh, Liam. I don’t mean to hurt him. I don’t. I just have this feeling of insecurity every time my past comes up into a conversation. I didn’t have a bad childhood or anything. I had a great childhood and i loved every bit of it. I’m not ashamed of it either. I just feel like I had such a boring childhood, a completely average childhood and I feel like I can’t share anything with him because he’s this famous guy that I happened to be dating. I feel so... normal compared to him.

I honestly did not mean to snap at him during that fight or today. I didn’t mean to make things worse by avoiding him either. That fight a few days ago... i don’t know what my problem was, to be honest. All I remembered thinking was; I hate myself for hospitalising Ryder. That’s all I remember thinking. Then all of a sudden I’m saying these horrible things to Liam that I would never ever mean. So I avoided him for four days, not once contacting him. 

I remember doing nothing at all in those four days. I was supposed to be studying and getting on with my reading and story writing. But I never got out of bed once. I went into the study once but all I ended up doing was sitting in Ryder’s bean bag chair and crying with a book in my lap that I picked out randomly. I missed him heaps in those four days.

I still miss him. I missed him these past two weeks and it’s not even his fault! It’s mine. The fight messed the both of us up but it’s not like he’s trying to get out of my way. He’s actually been trying like we both agreed. We agreed to go back to how we were but for some reason, I can’t go back. I told him I hate him! He must be angry about that at least or the fact that I told him I practically always thought about breaking up with him when I actually haven’t. I love being with Liam.

And there it was, my revelation. I am in love with Liam. I’ve most likely been in love with him since I moved into this apartment. Or maybe even with that kiss. How did I not realise it? What was I blinded by? It’s clear as day! 

I rolled over on my bed and checked the time. It was just past three in the morning and i haven’t slept a wink. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep at all, not with all this going on inside my head. I got up off my bed and walked down the hallway to the living room. I didn’t know what I was doing, I was actually thinking of making some tea or something but somehow I ended up sat on the sofa, staring at the wall Liam and I painted.

I don’t ever want to paint over it. It’s a mess and colours are everywhere but I love it. It brings back beautiful memories of that day. The day I moved into here as well as the day Liam and I spent together. It was completely bliss that day. All I remembered was being happy with Liam and that was it.

My god, it hurt to even think about him especially after what I did today. It hurt to even look at the wall. My whole apartment was tainted with his presence and all it does is remind me of what I did to him, what I’ve continuously done to him for the past two weeks. I sent him away for no reason. It wasn’t even that long of a talk and it wasn’t even that serious. i can’t believe I sent him away for no reason. Most people would keep their boyfriends around for support when something like this happens but apparently, I’m not like most people. I frustrate myself more than anyone could ever frustrate me.

By then it was six am and I still haven’t slept. All I’ve done was mindlessly walk around my apartment, looking at things that reminded me of Liam. I’m acting like we broke up when we haven’t, but in a way we have. We’ve somehow ended up as strangers in this relationship and I know it’s all my fault. Everything has to be my fault, doesn’t it? I’m the one that broke off my relationship with Michael for a misunderstanding, I’m the one who got my brother into a coma, I’m the one who’s made Liam cry more than anyone in his life. I bet if his fans found out about what I’ve done to him, I’d get bashed. His fans are loyal and wouldn’t hesitate to protect their one and only Liam Payne from One Direction. 

To be honest, I would bash me up as well. What kind of sane person would continuously hurt the person they love especially when they’re the most amazing person in the world? I hate myself for telling him I hate him and for saying I want to break up with him and for avoiding him and for sending him away whenever I talk about my life in Manchester. 

My life in Manchester was so good. I had a great time there. It was fairly normal, I had no drama, no clichéd boyfriends or firsts or drama or anything like that. Although I did have three serious boyfriends including Michael and I had one dramatic event but that was pretty much it. But for some reason I don’t want to tell Liam about it. I don’t want him to think that I was so average compared to him. He’s in a boy band that’s internationally known and has a whole fanbase behind him. And I’m just a girl from Manchester who goes to university in London. What’s exciting about that?

I have to see him. I have to explain to him everything. I have to or else the guilt inside of me would be the death of me.

I took quite a long shower, my mind still preoccupied with Liam and Ryder and everything. After half an hour I finally got out of the warm shower and after six attempts of getting the right clothes out, I got changed into a white skirt with a black blouse with sandals and lightly applied some lipgloss and mascara. I grabbed my house keys and walked to Liam’s. I didn’t feel like driving, I wanted the fresh air to clear my too full of a mind.

Once I got to Liam’s building, I hesitated in going in. I literally paced back and forth outside the entrance, the wind blowing my hair into my face. I huffed and finally walked in through thew doors and past the guards who were looking at me oddly. I grabbed all of my red hair tied it back into a ponytail because sometimes ponytails give me more confidence, which is sort of odd because how do you gain confidence through a hairstyle?

I paced the front of Liam’s apartment as well but I wasn’t hesitant on going in, I was more hesitant on what to say to him. Do I apologise first? Do I just start explaining straight off? What do I do? I took a deep breath in and decided to apologise first and then knocked on his door.

The door opened to a very shocked and a very shirtless Liam. His torso was completely bare of fabric and showed off his large biceps and his abs and muscles and everything attractive of a guy. His eyebrows, however, were pulled together and his brown eyes were trained on my face. I guess I understood, usually I wouldn’t have gone to him until a few days later. This time was different though. I love him and there is no way I’m going to lose him right now.

“Ruby.” He breathed, the shock was completely evident in his tone. His eyes scanned me, not in a checking out way but in an observing kind of way. He probably does knows that something’s bothering me big time because of the way I’m dressed and the way I look. i never have my hair in a ponytail unless I was wearing a halter neck top and I never not wear hardly any make up. 

“Ruby.” He repeated again. The shock in his tone was not wavering at all in fact it sounded like there was even more shock than before.

“Uh, I’m- do you not want me here?” I asked, the apology I had be rehearsing in my head flew out the window. I just had the feeling of unwelcome when he repeated my name twice in shock. He opened his mouth to talk when I realised what kind of question that was. I mentally slapped myself and continued to stumble on my words. “That was a stupid question to ask. I’ll just come back. I-I’m sorry, Liam. Um, yeah...” I love you was what I actually wanted to say instead of lamely saying ‘um, yeah’. I’m telling you, no one could frustrate me as much as I frustrate myself. I turned to leave but then I was stopped when Liam grabbed my arm. He pulled me in and closed the door behind me.

“Just have a seat, I need to put a shirt on.” He told me and I nodded and walked over to the sofa.

He left me alone to go change and I scanned the room. It wasn’t all that different but the coffee table was a mess. I told myself not to touch it, not to touch a thing because I have to start downplaying my perfectionism. But I couldn’t help myself. I pulled all the papers into me and neatly stacked them; going through and organising them into categories then put them at the top corner of the table. I grabbed his playstation dvds and stacked them into alphabetical order and put them next to the papers. I then grabbed his cds and organised them alphabetically then put them next to the dvds. His coffee table was now clear and visible and organised. 

Liam came in with two mugs and set them down on the table. I almost cringed at the fact that it didn’t have a coaster but I kept it in. 

“Here you go.” He said to me, the corners of his lips were twitching and I didn’t know if it was because he was happy that I cleaned his table or if he was annoyed about it. I automatically thought it was because he was annoyed and I felt a wave of disappointment rush through me before I shook it off. I picked up my mug and inhaled the scent of the latte macchiato. 

“Liam–” I started to say at the same time he said, “So–”

I apologised and told him to go first and it started to go back and forth to the point that it got so awkward that I felt like we were strangers to each other. 

“You go, Ruby.” He said in that demanding tone that made me so nervous to be there. I was already shitting it but it made my heart speed up even more.

I sighed. I knew exactly what I was going to say. I was going to apologise for everything then tell him I love him. That’s what I’m going to do. I suddenly remembered what he told me last night when I told him to leave so when i opened my mouth, something else came out. 

“When I was in high school, I had so many friends. They were all such great people. I didn’t have much drama except for this one time in year 11 where I met a guy, Jacob, that moved to our school. He was my first serious relationship, we were together when I found out that he was actually still with the girl from his old school and he thought he could get away with having two girlfriend. I actually became really good friends with the other girl and he actually moved to Australia. After that I swore of guys.

But then I had another serious relationship in Sixth Form with Ryan but that only lasted for six months when his parents made him move to Massachusetts for Harvard Law. He actually became a rebel after that because he didn’t want to be a lawyer. It was pretty ironic, if you asked me. Then I met–”

“Uh, Ruby, why are you tell me this?” Liam interrupted me. I honestly had no clue why I was telling him this when I should’ve ages ago. But I knew I had to do the inevitable and finally tell him my life in Manchester.

“Just listen, please.” I half begged and he nodded, waiting for me to continue. “So yeah, then I met Michael, he was actually my best friend for a few months. We were together until the start of November last year. I dumped him when I found out about the other girl. He actually came here today to explain to me what  actually saw. Turns out she was his new neighbour, and that was the girl we bumped into a few months back, do you remember her? She was tall, long legged, blonde? Yeah, so um, he was being the nice person he always was to help her unpack then he invited her over for a quick snack and she mistook that for him being flirty and all that. She kissed him and I walked in a the most inopportune time.”

“Was that supposed to make me feel better?” Liam asked, rather harshly. I looked down at me lap and held my hands together. I thought he wanted to know about my past.

“No, I was just telling you what happened.” I replied, my voice was very small.

“I don’t want to hear how you most likely got back together because you were wrong, Ruby. Just do it and get it over and done with.” My heart stopped. Is that what he thought of me? I’d break up with him and get back with Michael because I was wrong. I thought my feelings for Liam were clear.

“I’m not... Liam, I’m not here to break up with you. I’m here to explain to you what happened last night.” I stammered. I nervously fidgeted with my hands but I kept eye contact with the boy in front of me.

“That’s not what I wanted to be explained, Ruby. I want you to explain why you made me leave.” He said with his arms crossed. The nerves started to wear off and I was becoming slightly irritated.

“I don’t think I’m able to explain it. I always have this feeling that if I tell you something about my past, you’ll realise I’m too... too...” I paused as I fumbled with my words. 

“Too what, Ruby?” He asked. I could hear his impatience in his tone.

“Too average for you.” I confessed. He didn’t even reply to that. I was becoming more and more irritable with his attitude. “Wasn’t that what you wanted, Liam? The truth? There. That’s the truth. I’m a lot more insecure than I come off as. i brush off your fame all the time and I forget that you’re not normal half the time but then those moments come when we’re talking about what happened in the past and I automatically feel like my life was just bland, not exciting enough for you. The only exciting thing that’s ever happened to me before you was that accident. It’s sad but it’s the truth.”

He didn’t reply even then. I confessed my thoughts and my insecurity and he still didn’t say a word. Frankly, it pissed me off.

“Seriously, Liam. I’m never going to leave you for someone else. Are you kidding me? You are the most exciting thing that’s ever come into my life. I would never ever give that up for someone else. Why are you still mad?” I asked. My patience lever was starting to go down.

“I’m still mad because I love you.” I started in shock. I could tell that his sudden confession shocked him as well. He said it. He said it first. I thought I was going to tell him first because that’s what I was planning to do today. 

“W-what?” I stuttered. Was he serious? Oh for the love of god, please be serious.

“I–” He started to say but then stopped and looked straight into my eyes. His shoulders dropped and his lips were slightly parted. I had a feeling that he didn’t mean it. I could see it in his face. He wasn’t supposed to say it and he didn’t mean it. I felt my heart crack at my realisation.

“You didn’t mean it...” I sighed defeatedly. I looked down at my lap and I could feel the tears starting to prick my eyes.

“I do!” He suddenly shouted and I jumped in surprise. i looked up at him and he looked like he was going to burst. “I do. i love you so much and i mean it and I will always mean it.” He said in a slightly lower tone.

My sight began to blur with tears but it wasn’t from the one second of heart break but it was from the overwhelming feeling of happiness I felt. He looked panicked for a second because of the tears.

I jumped forward and kissed him hard on the lips, making him fall back down onto the couch. I wasn’t supposed to do this. I was supposed to say that I love him too but I couldn’t fight the urge. We didn’t stop kissing. I couldn’t stop moving my hands all over him and neither could he. All I could feel was him. He was everywhere on me. My blouse was the first thing to come off then it was his shirt then my skirt then his jeans. We didn’t stop. Not once. We kept going and going and going and going.

“I love you too by the way.” I told him some time after we did it... four times. The first in the living room, the second in the hallway, the third on the floor of his bedroom then the fourth in his bed. He was on his back and I was on my stomach with my head on his chest.

“Not a little late at all.” He chuckled sarcastically. I felt his chest vibrate under my head.

“I hope you know that I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to make you jealous or feel left out or anything. I love you so much and sometimes it’s really hard for me to show emotion like that.” I whispered. I was leaning on my elbows and I kept my eyes on his face, carefully analysing his expressions and the look in his eyes.

“It’s okay. I love you too.” He said as he played with my hair. I smiled at him and leaned down to kiss his lips.

I was actually on the verge of sleeping but as soon as our lips touched I was awake again. My whole body was awake again and I didn’t feel tired one bit. He started to kiss me everywhere, waking up my entire being.

“I”–he kissed my cheek–”love”–he kissed my neck–”you”–he kissed my shoulder–”so”–he kissed my stomach–”much.” I giggled at the fact that he couldn’t keep himself off me. I grabbed his face and brought his head up to me and kissed his lips, smiling.

“I love you too.” I grinned and kissed his lips again.

I’ve never ever felt happier in my whole life.

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