The Doubt of Moving On

Liam Payne was once in love. He was head over heels for her. He'd take the moon for her. But she did something that not only hurt him but his friends as well. He doesn't know what to do. All he can do is hang on to the past. Hang on to her. But he knows he needs to move on.
Ruby Adams was once happy. She was head over heels for a guy. She loved her brother more than anything. But the guy she loved did something to her which made her do something to her brother. She's a mess. All she can do is mope around. Not care about anything else. But she knows she needs to move on.
When their fates cross paths, will they finally do what they need to do all along?
*Don't need to read Chasing the Sun for this spinoff*


21. Chapter 20

Chapter 20


A part of me expected everything to go back to the way it used to be. The kissing, the smiling, the touching, the long talks. But I guess that was a little farfetched. After a fight like that I'm too scared to ask anything and Ruby's too scared to fix anything up. It's awkward at times because we used to always talk with no breaks but we haven't talked like we used to for two weeks. Most of the time, she's at uni or she's studying but I think that's her only excuse to get away from all this awkwardness. 

But I'm trying to go back to how it used to be. I love her, for gods sakes, and I can't stand how we are now. I miss the way we used to talk on the phone for hours. I miss our long talks in the middle of the night. I miss touching her soft skin. I miss playing with her hair. I miss kissing her pink lips. But I can't do that as much as I used to. I know neither of us had moved past the fight like we discussed but how do you move past a fight like that?

Now, as we watched Grease in her apartment, I miss her more than ever. There's enough space between us to fit another person and it's killing me. I could vividly smell her lavender and vanilla scent. I couldn't stop my hands from fidgeting and I never once looked at her. It's awkward enough not sitting close to her, I didn't want to add staring to that list. But I couldn't help glancing at her through corner of my eye every now and then. 

She kept her eyes glued to the screen, not once looking away. Her hands were locked together on her lap. Her back was straight against the back rest and her legs were crossed. Even though her eyes were on her favourite movie, I knew, through her glazed eyes, she didn't see a thing. She was thinking hard and it doesn't take two guesses for me to know what she's thinking about. 

There’s been so many times where I’ve wanted to talk about the fact that it’s not the same anymore and how much it’s killing me and how much I love her. I’ve imagined how the conversation would go. Well, what I would say; Ruby’s proved to be unpredictable. I always picture it.

I’d walk into her apartment on one of those days where she was avoiding me. She would stand in the doorway in her oversized shirt and her barely visible shorts with her hair tied back like she has it whenever she’s home doing nothing. I wouldn’t even have let her speak. I knew exactly what to say.

“It’s not the same anymore and you know it! We promised to go back to how it used to be but I don’t think there is going back. We’ve been avoiding each other like crazy. You’re always at uni and studying and you never have time for me. I admit I’ve made this awkward as well. I never know what to say to you anymore. I don’t know how to talk to you without asking questions like I usually do. And don’t think that I haven’t noticed you about to fix something up but then leaving it alone. I know you said you loved it when I ask you questions because it makes you feel like you’re important but I can’t do that without thinking about you wanting to break up with me. I can’t stand the thought of you breaking up with me because I love you so much, Ruby. I do, I really love you so much and I don’t want us to be over because of that fight.”

And then we make out like crazy, like how we used to. But I can’t do that. I don’t have much courage to do that. I’m just that awkward boy who’s famous and does not know how to fix my own damn problems. I refuse to go to any of the girls because they all have different advice and they all don’t seem good enough for Ruby. Nothing is ever good enough for her; she’s too good for everything else, including me.

“Uh, the movie’s over.” Ruby announced in a small voice. She didn’t look at me but she stared at the black screen with the credits rolling through. 

“Mhm.” I agreed. What the hell do I say?

“Want to watch another movie?” She asked, standing up to grab the remote, still not looking at me.

“Sure.” I replied. Silence.

“Which one?” She asked as she flicked through her netflix. 

“Any one. I don’t mind.” I told her. I rubbed my sweaty palms on my grey jeans. Can we just stop pretending? Please?

“Are you sure?” She asked and i nodded. She stopped on the Avengers and played the movie, not once looking at me. 

Awkward. Awkward. Awkward. 


A knock on the door made the both of us jump. The room was lit up only by the tv and we were halfway through the movie. It was almost 9:00 at night. The awkward air was slightly broken as we both stood up to go see who was at the door.

When she opened the door, she gasped. I didn’t know who he was. He was slightly shorter than I am. He had dark, shaggy hair that was styled to look like it was messy. He had bright green eyes that was a little intimidating for my dull brown ones. His body structure was like mine, only a little more built. His white shirt looked too small for his arms and his black jeans were a little baggy. I was intimidated. He was good looking and obviously had some close ties to Ruby.

“Michael.” She whispered. I knew exactly who Michael was and I was confident that she’d send him away, letting me pick up my self esteem. Michael was the guy who she cried over so much and almost killed her brother and there’s also the fact that she caught him cheating on her. So I knew that she’d send him away.

“Finally, I found you.” He had a very faint french accent, like the accent sort of faded away. I could feel my heart cracking as I realised she hasn’t yelled at him yet. Why hasn’t she told him to leave yet?

“M-michael.” She stammered. I was starting to lose hope. I could see in her eyes that she was shocked and she wasn’t going to send him away any time now.

“I need to explain.” He told her, completely ignoring my presence. He kept his eyes on her and it made my blood boil. Just send him away, Ruby.

“Explain what?” She asked.

“What you saw wasn’t what happened. I promise. I’ve been trying to track you down for months, Rubes, ever since I heard about the accident with your brother.” He said. Ha! You mentioned her brother. You’re so gone.

“Oh. Um, come in.” Ruby said. My head whipped towards her, shocked. Did she just ask him to go in? Where’s her anger? She’s supposed to be angry, goddammit! 

“Uh, Ruby?” i asked, trying to contain my annoyance. There is no way in hell i’m going to stay here and listen to her and her ex-boyfriend talking. Especially with the hanging awkwardness between the both of us. 

“Liam, i think you should go.” She said, holding her hands together behind her back. And just like that, the small cracks in my heart spread all over.

“What?” I asked her, shocked. Is she serious? She’s telling me to leave? Her boyfriend? 

“It’s best if Michael and I talk alone.” She replied, not looking at me straight in the eyes.

“Why?” I asked her. 

“Because I need to do this alone, Liam. This is my past.” She explained, unhelpfully. “Please, Liam.”

“Ruby! Why do you always push me away as soon as something like this happens? It’s like you don’t want me to know about what’s happened to you! I feel like the stupidest guy whenever someone from you past comes. They talk about all these stories about you and how you acted and i have absolutely no clue about what they’re talking about! Why don’t you ever want me there with you? Actually, no, wrong question. Why don’t you want me to know about you?” I half shouted. 

“Liam, please.” She sighed, not having the audacity to answer my damn question.

“Do you even want me as your boyfriend?” I asked her in a slightly lower tone. I could feel the already shattered remnants of my heart shattering even more.

“Maybe I should-” Michael started but Ruby shook her head at him. 

“No, stay.” She told him.

I’m not a very sensitive person. I rarely ever cry or feel like crying. But I swear the pain just shot up from there and I could feel the tears in my eyes. My vision of Ruby in front of my started to blur and i looked up to the ceiling, trying to blink the tears away. 

“I see.” I whispered. I took a deep breath in to stop the pain in my chest and my stomach but it only caused torment.

“No, Liam, that’s not... I didn’t... Liam, i do want you to be my boyfriend.” She started to say but I just kept back away from her. “Liam, please don’t...” I could see the tears starting to pool in her eyes. But the thing that hurt me the most wasn’t the fact that she told Michael to stay and for me to go, it’s the tears in her eyes that hurt me the most. In the middle of all my pain, it hurt me more to know that she’s about to cry.

I couldn’t say anything. My mouth just kept opening and closing like a fish. So in the end, I gave her one last look and left her building. I hurriedly blinked the tears away as I got into my car and drove back to my apartment. The searing pain still slashed the insides of my chest. 

“Liam, please.” Please what, Ruby? Please what? I’ve done everything you’ve wanted me to! And i will keep doing everything for you. So why can’t you just humour me and tell me why you won’t tell me about yourself? 

As soon as I got back, I changed into basketball shorts and went to my gym. i was hoping to sweat away everything. That didn’t work either.

All I could think about was the girl I loved is currently alone in her apartment with her ex-boyfriend while we’re currently in a fight. Sure, I’m jealous but there’s more to that. She sent me away, not the one who hurt her. 

Loving Ruby hurt more than anything imaginable.






I have no words for this chapter.


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