Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.

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17. winners and losers

JACOB'S DIARY

Jacob slammed himself down into the sofa and crossed his arms. I tried not to laugh because it was just like a child with the hump. I looked over at Sara and she told me that Some kid had come up with the idea to paint a picture of someone painting a picture of them tearing down the wall. This had won first prise and Jacob felt that his picture of the surrounding community should have won. It did not console Jacob that his painting was being praised by so many people and the press seemed to be taking more pictures of his painting than of the winning one. Sara had tried to tell him that second place was still a great achievement, but he wasn't having any of it.

"Well we think you did great!" I told him. "Stop being so hard on yourself."

"I'm just pleased they are tearing the bloody wall down!" Jacob started to laugh and we all laughed along with him.

"Look, you are my great artist." I said and gave him a kiss on the head, that he quickly wiped off.

I didn't understand why Jacob was being so hard on himself. We didn't push him like some stage school mother and father. We encouraged him to do his very best and as long as he did that it would never matter if he was first or last in whatever it was he done. Jacob just wanted everything he worked on to come out shinning high above and sometimes that wasn't going to happen. This was a lesson in life that we all needed to learn. Sometimes life would throw us things that we felt were wrong. Jacob would have to learn that winning didn't matter and that it truly was the taking part.

Darren come in from work with a big smile, the one that always melted my heart. I looked at him and asked what that beautiful smile was for. He brought out from behind his back a bunch of beautiful red roses. The red of those roses were stunning and nature had made them to perfection . I gave him the biggest kiss and hurried to put them in a vase. He walked up behind and slipped his arms around my waist. I could hear Darren mumble something to Sara, it was something about getting a room and disgusting!

"What's with all this?" I asked. "They are lovely."

"Well I couldn't help but think my lovely wife should have those to go along with the good news."

"What good news?" I asked as I turned to face him.

"The news that I am soon going to be second in command at work!"

THAT'S GREAT!" I hugged him so hard I was sure he was going blue.

"Kids!" I shouted. "Dad's going to be promoted!"

That evening we all sat down to a wonderful dinner. I had make my cheese and mushroom and onion pie that Jacob and Sara loved. We all sat together and Darren told us more about his promotion. IT seemed his boss had been going over performance reviews and noted how hard Darren had been working over the past years and how much business he had brought into the office. It was felt by all those concerned that he should be recognised for all of these achievements. I was over the moon because we already felt that we were so lucky and now we could breath a little bit easier. It would mean even more hard work for Darren but we could all work around that. I just hoped that this showed the kids what hard work and determination could do for a person. I was feeling so proud today. My family were all doing well and life was flowing just right for all of us. I glanced up at the clock and thought that we still had time so I announced..

"How about we go out for the evening, celebrate with a family game of bowling."

"YEH!" Jacob was up for it and so was Sara. Darren knew that he would get beat but he was happy to give it a go.

                                                                             *

I got off of the phone and felt sad. It seemed that the company had not believed Tiffany and she was now without a job. They were not pressing charges as they had no video footage but it seemed they had (LOST FAITH) I her and felt that they could no longer have her in their employment. I couldn't understand this. I had known her for a little while now and she just didn't seem the type to do such a thing. Yes, she was poor as can be, but that didn't mean that she was going to risk the only way that money was coming into her house. I knew she had been set up in someway and as I was returning to work I was going to keep my eyes and ears open. I would find out who had taken that money and Prove that Tiffany wasn't the liar and thief that they all felt that she was. Only the very foolish would risk losing their jobs in this day and age.

The hospital had told me that Darren was free to leave at anytime and as long as he continued to see his psychiatrist he could remain at home. I had arranged for his return the next day. Darren had told me that he was so happy that I had arranged a service for Jacob's birthday because it had been on his mind. Darren didn't want to miss out by being that hospital, that only seemed to make people feel worse. He had seen so much while he had been their and he would never, EVER, look upon mental illness in the same way again. He knew now how misunderstood that it was and that more needed to be done to make people aware and be unafraid to talk about it. That was the key, talking and understanding. So much in this life could be solved by just those two things.

I had chosen, the lord is my shepherd, as the hymn that I wanted to be sung. I did feel  that although I still had a lot of anger to anyone who may be up there in the heavens, I hoped their was someone, I did feel that slowly their was something being restored in me and the line: he leadeth me beside the still waters, was in my mind lately. I had found strength from somewhere and it wasn't easy holding onto it. I didn't know how I was going to feel at the church on  Jacob's birthday but this was something that I had to do, WE both had to do. I looked over at my diary that was sitting on the arm of the chair. Those pages had become my holy book. This was my family bible now and it was sacred to me. Those pages brought comfort and joy to me. I was finding out the life that my boy should have had. I knew that when Darren came home we needed to decide where we were headed. He needed to be a father to Cindy's child and I understood that but I wasn't sure how much of a part in that child's life I could, or should, play.  It seemed to me that life had now handed me a new lesson. A child was lost and another was to be born into this world. My husband was to both, but I was only mother to one. What did that mean to me?

"I will make sure that I am their early. Did you want me to arrange food?" My mother asked.

"NO! It is only going to be us, me you and Darren. To celebrate his birthday."

"I wont stay overnight. I have this new athletic class on Tuesday."

"You!" I laughed. "Athletics?"

"Don't make fun. Besides the teacher is lush. He is so tall and fit and..."

"Is probably into men!" I cut her off and she went silent.

"Why do you have to spoil my vision?"

"Can you bring a photo with you. I thought I would a picture of each of us with a candle."

"Sure, are you going to be alright?" I could hear the concern in my mother's voice.

"To be honest, mum. I am not sure if I am going to be fine or just break to pieces."

"Well we will be there to pick you up. If you need a moment we will stop."

"Thanks, Mum."

"That's what I'm here for. I only hope when it's my turn that you get that young vicar to do my service."

I laughed. "Wouldn't have it any other way, mum!"

I put the phone down from talking to my mother and just sat for a moment. I could hear the gentle ticking of the clock. It somehow made me feel calm and still. I glanced up at the picture of Jacob above the fire place and I just looked into his sweet eyes. I could see Darren in those eyes and I could see his smile. I closed my eyes and imagined if I could just climb inside that photo and give him a hug. I opened my eyes and that smile was still there and those eyes looked over at me. I wished so badly that he was looking back at me through those eyes. I wanted those eyes to follow me around the room. I got up kissed my hand and placed it on the Photo of my Jacob.

"Mummy loves you!" I said and I went bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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