Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.


8. Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here."

I don't know who was more nervous on the day of Darren's first meeting. He had been unable to sleep much the night before. I could hear him moving about. I got up and sat with him for a while and I tried my best to get him to calm down. I told him he must try to get some sleep or he wouldn't be able to take in everything. I knew that the meeting was going to be nerve wrecking and I didn't want Darren to back down out of it. I asked him several times if he felt that he was ready to go to a meeting or if he needed more time. Darren assured me that he was ready and he wanted to go but he just couldn't seem to switch his mind off of how it was going to be.


Many years ago I had a friend who told me how her father had taken to drink and that he had become abusive to her mother. She felt torn inside because she hated what he was doing but she loved him so much. It was hard for her to turn off those feelings. Jacob had been the product of Darren and I and the love we had. I didn't want him to become the reason why we fell apart. I wish I had a way to turn back the clock and to unplug the phone from the wall that day. I wanted to do something, anything to make myself be outside with Jacob. All I could do now was go over and over the events and try to find something where I could say that It wasn't my fault. I wanted to scream from the roof tops that I was not neglectful that day. I didn't feel that inside. I knew that nothing could change now. Time couldn't be turned back and I couldn't cut the phone line or run and save my child before the gun shots. I wondered why I had not turned to drink or drugs or anything else to cope with this pain. To me Jacob was still very much alive inside my heart and my head and he was alive within the pages of his diary, telling me the life he should have lived. I was meeting his friends, his enemies and anyone else who crossed his path.


As Darren left for his first meeting I gave him a big hug and I even kissed him. I told him to keep on thinking about what he wants to achieve from the group. If he felt that he needed so time out I was sure the leader of the group would allow him that. He was going to be around people who were where he was right now. They could help him and they would understand. I had looked up the order of the meeting and explained to Darren what to expect and I knew that I could not ask him about it or anyone else who was there. They had a saying - Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here. I respected that very much. If Darren wanted or needed to talk to me I would listen to him but I was not going to be asking him any information on his meeting.

As I waited for Darren to get home I decided to make a cake. I just needed to do something to take my mind of the day. I had all my ingredients on the kitchen table and my mixing bowls ready. I was taken back to when Jacob had wanted to make some cakes. I could still picture the mess of the kitchen now. I think more of the ingredients were on the table than in the bowl. As I was going through the drawer looking for the spatula A small gingerbread man cutter fell forward onto my hand. I picked it, this had been Jacobs. He had got this from his nan and wanted to make them. We has spend ages cutting them out and placing on the tray. Jacob had waited for them to cook and when the cooled he rushed to decorate them. I thought the cutter had broken but it had been at the back of the drawer all this time. I just stood for a moment holding it tight. It was another reminder of the loss, the pain. Tears found me again and I sat down in the chair until I could get myself together. My heart had lost the joy of making the cake now. I continued on until the mixture was reader and I spooned it into the bowl. When it was in the oven I made myself a coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. The gingerbread man cutter was in front of me.

The house seemed so silent. You could hear a pin drop as I sat nursing my coffee and waiting for the buzzer to go off. My mind was brought back to Darren. How was he getting on at his meeting? Should I have arranged to pick him up? What if it was too much for him and he left looking for the nearest bar? Maybe I should just go and wait for him, but then would he think I didn't trust him? Did I trust him? I was so messed up inside with my feelings and at times I annoyed myself with how I was going around and around in circles. I needed to take my mind off the situation and after the cake was taken out of the oven I went to write some more of the diary.


Jacob and Sara sat at the kitchen table. Sara was taking small sips of juice from her glass. She hadn't eaten anything of her breakfast. Jacob looked up at me and nodded to Sara's plate.

"Try and eat something, Sara." I sat down at the table. "Even if it is just a little."

"I'm sorry." Sara looked up at me. "I just feel so... sick inside."

"We understand." Jacob reached a hand across to her and she looked at him.

"Look, We need to get out of the house. Why don't we all have lunch out today."

Sara looked at me. "Who is going to bury my mum? She had no insurance or savings."

"We don't need to think about that now." Jacob patted Sara's shoulder.

"I do!" Sara insisted. "I don't want her just dumped in some paupers grave."

I looked at the pain on Sara's face and I felt it. "Look, Darren and I have some money I am sure we could sort this out with you."

"Really!" A flicker of light had found its way to her eyes. "I'd get a little job and pay you back what I could."

I smiled. "Sara, would you like to live with us?"

"I'd love that!"

"So would we." Jacob looked at me with a big (thank you) look on his face.

"Now we have to talk with social services but I am sure that it wouldn't be a problem."


Jacob came into my room that afternoon when Sara had gone to lay down. He sat down on my bed with a worried look on his face. I held his hand in my mine and asked him what was wrong.

"Do you think they will let Sara stay here?"

"I'm sure they will. We are happy for her to live here and her school is here. I can't see why they would say no."

"Thank you for saying you will help with funeral."

"Your father and I have some money and I'm sure we can cover the cost. We need to sit down with Sara and work out what she would like for her mother."

"This makes me appreciate how much you and dad mean to me." Jacob started to cry and I hugged him so close. I could feel the overwhelming love I had for my child. I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to stay in this moment forever.

"We love you son, you remember even in the times when you think we are out of order." We both laughed together and Jacob got up from the bed.

"I had best go and do my home work. It has been a tough couple of days and I have fallen behind with it."

"I'm here if you need any help, except for math, you go to your farther for that one!"


When Darren came home I asked him how it went and he seemed to have a bit more hope in his eyes. He sat down in the living room and I sat down with him. He told me that he thought the meetings were going to be a big help to him and it was good to see that other people were in the same boat and he wasn't the only one who had been sinking. He told me that when he walked out of the meeting he saw one of the group walk over and greet his son and wife. That had been hard for him and he had to take a moment to pull himself together. He knew that there were going to be good days and days when the battle seemed to raging inside of him. He had walked for a long time to be alone with his thoughts. I told him that it was fine and that we all needed (ME) time every so often. Darren asked me if I thought he could get through this and I told him that I felt he had already begun. It wasn't an easy journey, all sorts of pressures we going to get in the way.

"I have some good news." I took a breath. "I got that job I was after at the store."

"That's great news!" Darren gave me a hug. "It should be me working though."

"We need money and it doesn't matter who brings it in."

"I'm still going to be looking for work, everyday." Darren assured me.

"Just don't apply too much pressure to yourself. You need to concentrate on getting yourself better."

"I will find something, I don't care what I do." Darren got up and walked into the kitchen.

"I don't care either. As long as it doesn't push you too much."

That night I sat in bed and listened to gentle breeze blowing through the trees outside. I over and could see the moonlight coming in through the window. There seemed to be a peace in the house that I hadn't felt in a while. Darren had found my cake earlier and just about finished it off. It made me feel good inside, like I used to when they enjoyed the food I had made. Life had delt us some harsh cards and I don't think I will ever understand why. I wanted so much to call Darren to this room and have him make love to me but still their was a part of me that was scared and deeply hurt and it prevented me from doing so. I still felt every bit of What I felt the first time I saw him yet I still couldn't get past that he had held another woman in his arms. I didn't even know if he understood that or even if he wanted to make love to me. I didn't know how long it was going to take me to heal from that one.

When I awoke the next morning I heard Darren talking on the phone. I got up out of bed and walked out onto the landing. I looked down the stairs to see him by the front door phone stand. He put the phone down and stood for a second before walking off into the kitchen. I walked down the stairs and followed him in. He turned around at the sound of my slippers on the floor.

"Who was that?" I asked.

"It was the wrong number, they were after a Robert."

"Do you want a cup of coffee?" I asked making my way over to fill up the kettle.

"No I'm going straight out to look for work." Darren kissed me on the forehead and left.

"Make sure you pick up milk" I shouted out from the front door as he opened the car and he waved back an acknowledgment.

I picked up the newspaper and took it inside and sat down at the table. This was the local paper telling us what was going on around the town. I turned the first few pages and then a picture jumped out at me and so did the headline : MOTHER KILLS HERSELF OVER DEAD SON

The picture was of the mother who's son killed Jacob. I read on and the story told me that the woman had left a note telling people that she had to be with her son and that she couldn't cope with the fact that he had taken another life. She felt that he needed her on the other side. I didn't know how to respond to this story. I felt sadness, anger, every emotion inside. She didn't have to suffer the pain anymore and I had to carry on and carry with me what her son had done. I didn't blame her in anyway and I would have been there for her if she had reached out. I closed the paper and looked at the clock on the wall. I had to go and get ready. I didn't need to be feeling this on my first day at work but it seemed life had thrown this challenge at me to start off my day. I wondered now if someone had called this morning to warn Darren about the article and he was trying to protect me. I would face this later right now I had a job to get to and I wasn't going to be late! 








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