Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.

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18. The light of a clear blue morning

I pulled open the curtains, light filled the room. The heat from the sun outside caressed me. It felt so calming, peaceful. I turned around and looked at Darren who was sound asleep in bed. I looked at the bottle of pills on the bedside cabinet with the empty water glass. It broke my heart that he had to take those, yet combined with his therapy I knew they were the best things he could have right now. I walked over and picked up the glass. I had come in the room to wake him up but I decided to let him stay a little bit longer. My mother had called me and told me that she was running a little late and that she would meet us both at the church. She swore that she would get there in time come rain or storm. I made my over to the bathroom and turned the shower on. The jets of water flowed out and hit the floor. I remembered how I felt the last time I was getting ready to say goodbye to Jacob, today it felt like I was checking in to say, "Hi how you doing?"

Darren got up, walked into the bathroom and turned on the taps. He called out to me to ask if it was ok. I laughed and told him that it was a bit too late for me to be shy naked around him now. I heard him laugh, I hadn't heard that in so long. He started to wash his face. Just for a moment I forgot about the baby, I forgot about Cindy. This was as if it was always this way, our way. I was back in the house with the man that I loved, everything was ok. Then reality hit home and I had to fight it off again, this was Jacob's day and the day we were going to be a family. Mother had promised to go easy on Darren. I understood how she felt but nothing was going to spoil this day.

I pulled into the church car park as my mother was making her way inside. She looked respectful I was so pleased she hadn't gone for her short skirts today. As I went to get out of the car Darren's hand gently grabbed mine. I turned to look at him as a tear fell from his eye and made its way down his face. I reached into my bag and took out a tissue. I wiped that tear away, out of nowhere I learnt forward and gently kissed him. He looked shocked for a second then kissed me back. We sat in silence for a moment, leant forward and pressed our heads together and cried.

The Vicar stood at the front of the church. Behind him on the white wall was a full size wooden cross. I wondered how many people had prayed in front of that for help with all the troubles in their lives or just to give thanks. My mother sat holding a tissue to her face. Darren reached out and held my hand. I gripped his back as the Vicar started to speak.

"We are gathered here today, not in sorrow, we are here in remembrance. Today we feel sorrow but we celebrate the short life of our beloved, Jacob. He was taken by violence but the love of our lord carried him to his home. We prayer for peace in grieving. We pray that as the days pass, the healing of the lord will help us to look back, not with sorry but with to the happier times that Jacob spent in his short life."

I could hear my mother crying. I knew that she was hurting inside just as much as we were. My mother had a way of hiding things, this was something that she had done all of her life. I reached across my free hand and held hers. It struck me in that moment that my mother and I had very little physical contact over the years, hugs were not something that were free flowing in our home. Still today love was breaking down Barriers put in place by life.

As the choir sang, the lord is my Shepard, The vicar moved forward and blessed each one of us. I was trying so hard to stop the tears but they were finding the way out. When those beautiful angelic voices finished the Vicar read some more quotes from the bible about death and life and we all made our way outside. I couldn't have asked for a better service than this. The sun was still beating down. I felt like Jacob was around us. I didn't speak about it in case it made Darren feel worse. There seemed to be a glow about Darren today, something was in him that I hadn't seen in such a long time. I was sure Something had changed in him in an instant. I walked over to my mother to make sure she was ok.

"I can see the love between you is strong." The vicar told me. "Not just as husband and wife but as a family. Never let anything come between that bond. It is this that healing uses to bring us through the grieving." The vicar smiled at me and headed back to the church.

"What a lovely man."  My mother turned to Darren. "What happens now?"

"Mum!" I said. "Not now!"

"I'm not starting. I just want the two of you to be happy. "

"We will talk. I promise I will sort this mess." Darren lowered his head as if in shame.

"When you are better." I told him and took his hand. "We don't need to rush anything!"

Back at the house my mother went into the kitchen to make us all some tea. She busied herself while Darren and I walked into the living and stood by the picture of Jacob above the fireplace. Darren took a deep breath as he looked at the picture. "I love you, son"

It took so much for me to stand on that spot and not run from the room. These were the words that Darren had needed to say to Jacob. These were the words that were not saying, goodbye but that Jacob would always be with us. I took his hand once more and rested my head on his shoulder and we stood in silence for a while just looking at the picture.

My mother and I sat in the kitchen after Darren had fallen asleep in the chair, it had been a long day and he was drained. My mother nursed a cup of tea as we talked. Mine had long gone cold and was ready to be thrown. So much had happened in this one day.

"What do you do now?" Mother gave me a sympathetic look.

"I don't know, mum. There is still Cindy and the baby."

"Can you get over that, for the sake of your marriage?"

"He seemed so different today, mum. I felt so in love with him all over again."

"The spark is still there?" She questioned.

"I'm not sure it ever went away." Was I confessing to her or myself?

"Then you need to make a decision." Mother got up from the chair. "Now I must get going. Are you going to be alright?"

"I'm fine. I will call you in a day or so. Thanks for everything, mum."

"That's what mothers do, I'll be here whenever you need me." we hugged, again.

   

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