Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.

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4. panic and bowling

Sometimes you question your own life, even though you are as fit and healthy as you can be. Sometimes despite the fact that you have a home and food to eat you think you are far worse off than anyone else in the world. That is how I was feeling when I woke up to find Darren had left the house without telling me. I pulled myself down the stairs, into the kitchen. My God this house was mess! I needed to get myself motivated today. I walked over to the fridge to find that it was empty. How had I not noticed that it was running low. I walked over to the phone and picked it up I noticed I had missed a call. I pushed the button for the message to play as I started to fill up the kettle. My mother's voice filled the room. I found myself closing my eyes and wishing she was here with me. I just wanted her to talk about herself, it would be about herself. It didn't matter to me I just wanted her with me.

"I think his name was Romeo, can you believe that. I can tell you he does not live up to his name."

I picked up the phone and called my mother back. She answered me as she was driving and I could hear the traffic in the background. I didn't even know what I was going to say to her. It all seemed to be a spur of the moment thing. I said "Hi, Mum!"

"Honey, you are on speaker phone. I'm on my way to see my hairdresser so we can talk plans for Fabio's party the weekend."

"Who's Fabio? Never mind I just wondered when you could come down and see us. Things are getting worse here and I could do with some company."

"Oh, Honey. Why didn't you call sooner? Shall I put off the party and get down to you the weekend?"

"No, you go and enjoy your party, come down at the start of the week."

"As long as your sure. Fabio has this massive house that overlooks the sea. His boat isn't far from the house and he said if the stars are bright that night we can all go out to see them."

"It sounds great, mum." I wasn't convincing in my voice but I truly wanted her to be happy.

As I walked through the store with the shopping cart I was looking around at the people. They all seemed so happy in their lives, picking up the groceries for the family, picking out a little pay day treat here and there. I was happy for them but wasn't feeling that way inside. I made my over to the milk and put some into my cart. I looked over at the fresh meat section and noticed a woman standing with a small basket. She had some fruit and fresh vegetables inside it. She looked over at me and smiled and I half smiled back. She was with a older woman in a wheelchair. The woman pushing the wheelchair looked tired and worn out. As I approached she must have seen something on my face because she smiled again and spoke to me in a soft voice.

"I hope he has a hot meal waiting for when I get up there!"

 

 I smiled back at her and carried on past. This woman didn't ask for anything other than a hot meal. Did I have the right to feel the way that I was feeling on the inside. I felt guilt creep up on me and hold prisoner in that moment. Then out of the blue I felt a wave of panic hit me. I wanted to be on my own. I couldn't be in this store with all these people looking at me. Could they see on my face what I was feeling. I felt faint but I got my self to the checkouts and paid for my good before rushing to the car. I sat for what felt like an hour trying to get myself calm. I had never experienced anything like this in my life before. I needed to be strong, how could I fall apart as well? I would need to look for work soon to keep the roof over our heads. Darren wasn't in any fit state to hold down a job at the moment. I thought about calling his boss and begging him to take Darren back but I didn't know what had happened and I just knew deep down that it was something bad. I turned the key in the car and pulled out of the car park. As I got inside my house I started to feel the panic ease off of me. This was both prison and sanctuary now!

"Where did you go today?" I asked Darren as we sat at the kitchen table both with half eaten dinners in front of us.

"I needed to sort things out. We need to go and arrange something with the bank. We got an appointment on Thursday."

"That's good, something positive."

"Well I don't need you going on at me about the house, I know what is to come."

"It's an important issue. WE could be living on the streets. Do you think I want to beg my mother to let us go and live with her?"

"here we go! You can't even let me eat my dinner without starting."

"You haven't even touched it! We don't have the food the waste now"

"that's my fault as well is it?"

"I didn't say that. I just don't want this all the time. We need to sit down and talk without you going off."

"I don't need this, shot!" Darren got up and walked into the living room.

"Your bottle is behind the bookcase where you hid it!" I shouted and walked off to the bedroom where I slammed the door.

Never in my life have I thought about packing up a case and going. I looked over at the closet and knew I could just get up now and throw everything I could into the case and leave. I could let Darren get on with his drinking, go and find myself a new life. I could do all of those things but something was stopping me. It wasn't fear of being alone, it wasn't that I had no place to go. It was a glimmer of hope that was still inside me. It was faint but it was still holding on by the thread. I needed my son, I needed to spend time with him. I reached into the drawer of the bed and took out the diary I opened it up and started to write.

JACOB'S DIARY

After Sara left I started to ask Jacob about her and her mother. He didn't seem to want to answer them and I guess that I was just being a typical nosey mother. I felt for that girl, Who knows what was ahead for her? What kind of life was that poor girl going to live? I could see her on her own with a child missing out on the joys of life. She had the power to turn that all around but right now she was falling deeper into the hole that her own mother had dug.

"Do you think we should ask Sara over once a week?" I asked Jacob as he sat playing his x-box.

"What?" he asked not even looking over at me.

"Sara, should we ask her over for tea once a week?"

"Not worth it. She is all over the place at the moment. Sometimes she doesn't even show up for school."

"Is anyone speaking to her mother?"

"yes! the school do all they can. She is a free spirit though comes and goes with breeze.

Jacob went to his room and I soon found myself sitting in front of the television wondering about what was going to be happening later. Darren had a meeting at work to discuss the project he had been working so hard on. It had taken up a lot of his time and he promised that tonight he was going to take us all out for the evening. Jacob had wanted to go bowling and I thought it would be fun. The weekend was coming so we wouldn't have to rush back because it was a school night. I couldn't wait to spend some time together as a family. Then the thought hit me and I called out to Jacob. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing but I thought I would ask anyway.

"Jacob, DO you want to ask, Sara, if she wants to come bowling?"

"I don't know what's she is doing. I'll give her a call."

"Tell her about seven if she is coming."

"ok!"

The bowling hall was filled with families enjoying the Friday night activities. Food was on the go and drinks were coming as fast as they were drank. I stood looking up at my pitiful score and noticed that Jacob and Sara had the highest scores, that was typical. They high fived each other every time one of them got a strike. I found myself seeing a totally different side to Sarah. She had let her guard down being with a family. Her whole appearance was softer, she seemed like the darkness that had surrounded her had lifted away. I wasn't sure how Jacob saw her, maybe she was sweet on him and he was on her. I wanted to go up to them and give them both a big hug but I knew that Jacob would be mortified if I did any such thing.

"I think we all need more drinks after that game."

"loser's buy!" Jacob said and high fived Sara again.

"thank you both for tonight." Sara hugged me and Darren. I couldn't help myself but hug her back. I must have held on to long as I saw Jacob giving me a strange look.

"It was our pleasure and don't forget you can come over to tea any day in the week just let us know."

"Thank you. I can't remember ever doing something like this with my mum. My dad was drunk and mum is high most of the time."

"You shouldn't have to live like that."

"MUM!" Jacob look embarrassed.

"It's alright, Jacob. I know my mother for who she is. The thing is she is still my mother and if I turn my back on her no one is going to look after her. When she gets too bad or violent I just leave for a few days."

"Where do you go?"

"Mum, stop with the questions already!"

"Well if you need time out just come over to the house. There is always a sofa to sleep on!"

"Thank you and thanks again for a great night."

When we got home I was shutting the house down for the night when I turned to see Jacob standing there in his night clothes. I saw the look on his face it was deep in thought.

"What's wrong love?"

"Do you think I'm dating?"

"I just..." I stumbled on my words. "Are you?"

"No! I just want to be friends with Sara, She needs that more than anything."

"Then I'm just as happy. I am so proud of you for being a friend to someone in need."

                                                                             ********

I put the diary back in the drawer as Darren walked into the bedroom and started to take off his clothes for bed. I watched as he walked into the bathroom and started to brush his teeth. He hadn't shaved for days. It was as if he was becoming somebody else and I wasn't sure who that was. I thought back to the day that I first saw him and how he had made my heart skip several beats. I knew from that moment that I wasn't going to let that handsome man slip through my fingers. Now I looked at him and I was disgusted at what I saw. Someone had taken my handsome man and left me with everything that my mother had tried to warn me away from. I just had to find a way to get that man back before he slipped out of my hands forever.

 

 

 

 

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