Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.

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12. Hospital fear and liquid diamonds

As the ambulance drove away with Darren I was told to follow on to St. James hospital. I rushed to my car, pulled out of the drive and headed on to the hospital. As I drove I kept on going over and over in my mind that this was the most selfish thing that he had ever done. Was I wrong to think that? I know that he had problems and I should sympathise with that, but how dare he leave me to pick up the pieces. Did he not think that I had wanted to drink myself to death or throw myself under a train? I had thought about taking as many pills as I could but I had never once tried it. I would think about all of those who loved and cared for me, all of those who's lives I would tear apart. I couldn't help but feel this anger and I was in no way going to deny myself the feelings.

I hated the smell of the smell of hospitals. I had a fear of them ever since I was a child. They were places of sickness and death. It wasn't until I got older that I realised they were also places of healing. I still felt that coldness whenever I walked into one. MY mind had always jumped to me thinking of all sorts of horrific things going on in the background, too many horror films in my youth I guess. I walked into the accident and emergency room to see that it was overflowing. A woman sat crying in pain while she held her arm. A old man looked dazed and confused as he sat with a big cut to his head. A young boy had blood all down his top and was holding onto his father for dear life.

I was told to take a seat and that as soon as they had any information they would let me know. I had given all of his details to the receptionist. I couldn't help but admire that woman. She was in her late forties at a guess, the sights of the room didn't faze her at all. When I thought about the sights that she must see on all of her shifts I couldn't help but admire her. I went over to the coffee machine to see a sign tell me that it was out of order. I went to the next machine and put my money in and selected a coffee. It wasn't until I reached out for the cup that I realised how much I was shaking. My mouth felt so dry. I turned around to head back to my chair when I felt faint. I hurried over and sat down and I was begging in my mind for my panic to not set in now. I couldn't face that at this moment in time. I had a waiting game now and nothing to do but hope.

"We have inserted a tube into your husbands windpipe to help him breathe. we have him on a intravenous drip that goes straight in the veins to help top up his blood sugar and vitamin levels. He has a catheter and we have had to pump his stomach." The young doctor told me.

"Is he going to be alright?"

"Yes, but he consumed a large amount of alcohol. We are lucky he didn't take any pills."

"Thank God."

"Does he have a history of any mental illness? " The question hit me.

"No! He is an alcoholic. He was meant to go to a meeting to day but he called me and said he was having a bad day and could I come over."

"Well it's a good job you got to him when you did. We will have to get a Psychiatric nurse to speak with him and yourself."

"Sure, When can I see him?"

"IT wont be long but I wanted to bring you up to speed."

"Thank you." The young Doctor smiled and walked away.

It seemed like hours before someone came and told me that I could go in and see Darren. He looked so weak, his former self had gone. This was a broken man in the bed. I sat down in the chair and took his hand. He was sleeping as I sat just holding his hand as I cried. I couldn't believe this was happening to us, this happened to other people not us! What had we both done that was so bad that all of this was bestowed upon us. If life was a test I wasn't sure if it was a fair one.

"Why?" I asked knowing that I wouldn't get an answer. "I can't believe you would do this!"

I sat in my car with my music on low. I just wanted to relax. I had txt Tiffany to tell her that I had no choice but to phone in sick and she told me that she was here for me if I needed anything. She told me that she would come over to the house in a few days and see me. It was good to know someone was there. I didn't phone my mother, I knew that I should. I didn't want her to give up her cruise for this. I was going back and forth on my anger and I just wanted to go home and relax.

Back at the house I walked in and kicked off my shoes. I went into the bathroom and started to run a bath. That was what I needed a nice long soak. I slipped into that warm water and let my body relax. I could feel every bit of my body ease. I just relaxed and tried to let the events slip away as best as I could. What did the future hold for Darren now? He faced a lot of meetings and I knew that the hospital were not going to release him unless they knew for sure that he didn't pose a threat to himself. Maybe he was in the best place he could be right now. These people could do far more for Darren than I. The smell of that hospital was still in my nose and I found myself scrubbing my body hard as if trying to get it off of my body. I thought about all of the people who had been in that waiting room. I hoped that they were as well as they could be. It was strange how I had just gone into overdrive at the hospital, my fear of the place had somehow been pushed out with everything else that had been going on.

As I walked along the landing I noticed that the bedroom phone was flashing to say that there was an answer phone message I pushed the button to play only to hear the voice of his other woman asking him to call her as they had so much that they needed to talk about. I went to push delete, something stopped me. I turned to the bed and collapsed onto it. I reached for the pillow and pulled it to me, the smell of Darren's aftershave was so strong. I cried into that pillow, how weak did It make me feel? I had been strong and telling myself I would NOT cry. Yet here I was again with those liquid diamonds running down my face. I wanted to tell myself to stop, stop right there and control my emotions. Nothing it seemed was going to get in the way of these tears. I don't know how but I fell asleep crying. My mind had decided that it had had enough and so I slipped into my dreams, which these days felt like nightmares.

 

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