Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.

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15. HAPPY TEARS

JACOBS DIARY

Jacob was sitting with the game controller in his had. He and Darren were trying to beat each other at some car racing game. I wasn't sure who was winning it all looked the same to me. I walked into the room to See Jacob laughing and pointing at his dad. Sara looked up at me and shook her head.

"Boys and their toys." she said.

"I am on the leader board, first three rows are Jacob the star!" Proclaimed Jacob with a big smile.

"I'm not even on the board ." Darren looked at me. "I think my controller is broken."

"Right, dear!" I said and threw a glance at Sara who was trying to hide her laugh behind a magazine.

"I think a re match will put things right." Darren went to start the game again.

"Are you sure?" I asked him. "Have you not humiliated yourself enough?"

Sara laughed now, she couldn't hide it. "Judy has a point!"

"How about you have a go mum."

"Me! NO, I'm no good with computers."

"It's a games console" Darren pointed out with a cheeky (I got you) smile.

"Have you seen mum drive!" added Jacob

"Hay, I will remember that remark when you want dropping off or picking up."

"I take it back!" Jacob turned off the game.

Later that night I went upstairs to put away some washing when I noticed Jacob was up at his drawing board. It was late and I stood in the doorway to tell him not to stay up all night. I walked up to the drawing and saw that he was drawing a picture of a landscape. It looked as though you could just step inside and be in that place. I found myself wondering about who lived in the house he had drawn and what was going on in the peoples lives. It was an amazing piece of Art. I told him how much I loved it and he told me I had, I was his mother! It was true but the drawing was one of the best I had ever seen. I left the room wondering what the future held for him, I really wanted him to use his art. I wanted to see my Jacobs art up on some gallery wall for the rest of the world to see. I could just see myself on opening night telling everyone that my son was the artist.

The next morning as we all sat for breakfast I was telling the others that Jacob had done this amazing drawing and that they should all take a look at it. I could see Jacob felt a little embarrassed, he really couldn't see how good he was. I poured some juice into each of our glasses and it was then I noticed that Sara seemed a little bit distant. I waited for the boys to drink up and leave the table before I turned to Sara. I took a hold of her hand.

"what's up, love?" I asked, tears seemed to be in Sara's eyes.

"I was just thinking about, Mum."

"It's ok, cry all you like just let it all out." I got up and gave her a hug.

"Judy!" Sara broke free and turned to face me. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." I told her. "You know that."

"You know I love my mum. You know I will ALWAYS love my mum."

"That goes without saying, love." I smiled my own tears welling up now.

"I want to call you and Darren, mum and dad. If you don't want me too it doesn't matter I just..."

"Come here!" I grabbed her to me so tight.

I didn't see this coming. I couldn't even put into words how I felt in this moment, Jacob was my flesh and bone and I had come to love this girl as if she was my second child. Nothing in this world could describe to anybody how much this meant to me and how much it obviously meant to Sara. She could have called me anything that she wanted and I would have loved her the same. I called Darren and Jacob into the kitchen. They stood looking confused as to what was going on and why we were both crying. I looked at Darren.

"Sara wants to know if she can call us, Mum and Dad." I couldn't help my tears fell.

"You don't even have to ask." Darren moved forward and hugged her.

Jacob was crying also. I knew how much he felt for Sara and that he too saw her as the sister he never had. I was so happy, this truly was a moment that was going to be burnt into my memories forever, good memories. Jacob gave Sara a big hug.

"So, Sis, what are we going to do today?" Sara just burst into tears. I grabbed some tissues for everyone. IT was so good to have tears of joy, life handed people so many tears of unhappiness it was way past time that we all had these happy tears.

Jacob came into me and handed me the local paper that evening. I looked at the page he was pointing out and I noticed that it said the local council were looking for young artists to paint a wall before it was pulled down. It was a chance for street artists to show their creativity in a good and legal way. Jacob was no street artist but he told me that he wanted to go as the walls they were giving were being painted white and were huge. I told him it would be a shame for him to work so hard on something only for it to be destroyed. He told me that the reporters were going to take photos of each piece of work and that they were going to be judged. The winner was going to get art supplies donated by the local Art shop. I could see the enthusiasm on his face and I told him that he had best get to thinking about what it was that he was going to paint, or spray, whatever it was they did.

That night Sara was watching her favourite show and Darren was reading his book on some celebrity who had done a world cruise on her own ship for charity. I was busy in the kitchen cleaning away various cooking items. I felt so contented, at peace with  the world. I looked up and out of the kitchen window into the darkness of the street. Everything outside seemed creepy and cold but this house was surround by warmth and love tonight. I sat down at the kitchen table. I saw Darren nod a few times and almost drop his book, it must have been a real page turner! Sara was telling some girl on the screen to (GET REAL) and that the boy only wanted her to go the party so he could try his luck. I got up and headed into the living room and sat down.

"Why don't you go to bed?" I said tapping Darren's legs down off of the table.

"What, I'm reading." Darren quickly picked the book up that had fallen into his lap.

"GO to bed!" I laughed. "I wont be long."

"I can't!" Darren looked at the two of us. "I need to see if Scott gets Carly to the party!" He laughed as he got up and I smacked him of the back side as he jumped to try and avoid it as he headed for bed.

"You guys are so good together." Sara switched the television off.

"That's real love. You need to hold out for that, girl." I advised her.

"I hope I can find someone that into me. Boys are only after sex most times."

"Well then your hanging out with the wrong boys." I smiled. "I was your age once, you know"

"Yeh, When dinosaurs ruled." Darren said as he walked past to pick up his book.

"I take it back, they are the same." This time the slap got him right on the butt!

"Ouch!" he said and walked off rubbing his butt.

"See what I mean. You just need to be patient. Don't rush it like there is no tomorrow. I know it sound corny but, the best things do come to those that wait."

"Thanks, mum." Sara got up kissed me on the forehead and made her way to her room.

As I made my own way up to bed I put my head into Jacobs room to find him sound asleep on top of his bed, did that boy ever get inside his bed? I gently moved over to him and lightly kissed him on the head before leaving pulling the door shut. He would never know that I went in his room this night and kissed him goodnight, but I would remember it. He would never be too old for me to give him a kiss.

AS I lay in bed I thought about Jacob and his art and Sara worrying about boys. I thought back to my own time when I was her age and I'm sure Darren knew how Jacob felt. I didn't know if Jacob had ever asked his father about, boy things! I guess they must have had a chat at some point about it. I closed my eyes and I drifted off into the most peaceful sleep that I had had in a long time. Someone was watching over me and I couldn't thank them enough for it. Life was going good and we all had our holiday to look forward too.

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