Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.


11. Darren's battle

Nothing seemed right from the moment that I woke in the strange bed. I felt a heaviness in the air. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I sat up in the bed and I could feel my heart was racing. I tried hard to calm myself. This was like the other time when I had been in shop. A panic attack had found me and I had to try to keep calm to stop the panic building. It was a vicious circle. A long time ago I recalled my mother telling me that the woman over the road had (funny turns!) the way she had explained it to me showed me that this is what she must have been having, I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I sat trying to focus on my breathing and assuring myself that I wasn't about to die.

I needed to get myself up and out of this bed. I had to get myself to work and face the day like every other person. I needed to make sure that everything was as normal as it could be. I had to face Darren later in the day and my thoughts had been going over and over to his other woman. Maybe I did need to see her again face to face. I swung my legs out of the bed and noticed that I had a missed call on my phone. I looked at the number to see that it was my mother. I got up and headed to the bathroom.

"Why didn't you call me!" My mother was angry I could tell.

"Mum, I just needed a little bit of time on my own."

"I was telling stan all about this, he couldn't believe it as much as I."

"Why are you telling people my business, who the hell is stan?"

"Stan is someone I met at a cocktail party ,that was the right word for him, if you get what I mean!"

"MOTHER!, look. I need to speak with Darren after work and then I will call you."

"Why talk to him? GO find that Bitch and rip her face off!"

"What  good would that do? All she will do is have me arrested and charged."

"Well please phone me and let me know what the hell is going on because Stan and I will be going away at the end of the week. He has booked us onto a cruise."

"isn't it a bit soon to be... never mind, I will call you. speak to you soon."

Tiffany laughed when I told her about the phone call with my mother. She told me that it seemed like she was doing all that she could to enjoy her later years. I worried all the time about her. I wanted her to be happy but I was afraid that she was going to mick the wrong person one day and I didn't want to see her hurt. She had warned me when I first met Darren. She told me that I had to be careful because men only wanted a play to hide their toys! It seemed like she didn't mind that herself these days!

"My Mother couldn't wait to get rid of us." Tiffany told me as we drove to work.

"What about your father?" I asked as I opened the window to let out her smoke.

"I didn't really know him too much. My mother was in such a state half the time he just left."

"So you didn't have a happy childhood."

"I swore that my kids wouldn't have that in their lives. I have become my mother in so many ways it is shocking."

"Can't you turn it around? You don't have to put with all the things that you do."

"What would I do? Where would I go?" Tiffany took a nervous puff on her cigarette.

"Makes me wonder how many woman are trapped like this? "

"Trapped or just living in an open prison?" Tiffany turned into our work car park.

As the canteen filled up with staff I noticed our manager looking around the room at various people. He looked troubled, somehow trying to work people out. I noticed him look over to me and he nodded his head and walked out. I looked over at Tiffany who was trying to get the food machine to give her the change. She came over and sat down at the table.

"Fucking, rip off machine!" She opened her sandwich. "This shit 'aint worth the money."

"Do you see the way our boss was looking at us?"

"Don't worry he does that all the time. I'm sure he gets off on it."

"Well I find it creepy. IT wasn't just the woman though."

"Maybe his that kind of guy!" Tiffany laughed.

"Thank you for letting me stay. I will book into a room tonight."

"Stay with me, I don't mind. The asshole is away at the moment, I could do with company."

"NO, You have your hands full with the kids."

"So what happened to your kid?"

"He... Jacob was killed by a gang shooting."

"Yeh, you told me that but did the other guy get caught?"

"He was pronounced dead at the scene."

"That's some bad, shit!" Tiffany took a bite of her sandwich.

After lunch I sat at the Till. IT was a slow afternoon and my thoughts turned to the fact that I was meeting Darren. He told me that he was going to his meeting this morning and he wanted me to meet him at the burger bar we used to go to. I looked up to notice a woman was walking with her child, who was busy putting random things into her trolley while his mothers back was turned. I smiled as the mother blindly went on reaching into the freezer while her child was putting cola bottles in with shopping and covering them over. Tiffany looked as bored as I felt as she sat on her till. She went to get up when the woman pushed her trolley to her till. I couldn't wait to see her face when she revealed the hidden treasures in that trolley.

Tiffany asking me about Jacob had brought my thoughts back to that day again. I wasn't sure about anything that happened that day. Sometimes it was as clear as the blue sky in my mind and other times I knew that my mind was trying hard to blank it out. I didn't want those memories but at the same time how could I ever let go of my little boys final day on this Earth?

"How the hell did this get in here?" The woman's words broke my thoughts. "Abraham, did you put this in my trolley?"

"Not me!" The little boy was trying not to laugh.

"Well someone in this store has gone and played a joke on me." She told Tiffany.

"We get that sometimes." I said to the woman and I gave the boy a wink.

"Well I best get me it then. " She turned to the boy. "You ain't getting none till after your tea!"

"Ok!" He said and lowered his head but I knew he felt that he had still won.

The burger bar was half empty when I walked in. I looked around and saw that Darren wasn't here yet. I looked at my watch and saw that he late. I sat down and ordered myself a pepsi. As I waited I took my phone out of my bag to check my messages when I noticed that I had missed a call from a unknown number. I then noticed that there was an answer phone message on my phone.  I pressed the relevant button to retrieve my messages and put the phone to my ear.

"Judy, it's Darren. Could you meet me at the house instead. I have had a bad today. I didn't go to the meeting, I'll explain when you get here. "

I left the restaurant feeling a little pissed off at not getting the message before I came here. I tried to call Darren to let him know that I was on my way but his phone was on answer phone so I left him a message. I didn't want to go back the house in truth, but I did need to talk to Darren. I wasn't even sure what we were going to talk about. As far as I could see there was no turning back now. He was going to be a father and he had to step up to the post, simple!

I found myself knocking on my own door. I laughed a little at that, it just seemed so odd. I waited for a few moments but Darren didn't answer the door. I knocked again and waited, nothing. I walked around to the side of the house and looked in through the kitchen door and my heart nearly stopped right there. Darren was face down on the kitchen floor with an empty bottle of what looked like whisky next to him. I hurried in bag for my set of keys and rushed back to the front door all of the time I was saying. "Oh my God! NO, No NO!" I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed the phone off of the wall and dialled the emergency services. I turned around and noticed he was mumbling something. He was alive. I fell to my knees beside him and in tears these words spilt out.

"You selfish, Bastard!"



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