Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.

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2. Darren faces the truth

After Carla had left I had told her to not be a stranger and to come and visit me anytime that she wanted. As we spoke she had told me that I should think about going back to work as she felt that this house had become a prison to me. She had been right. Darren had been spending time away from the house but I had been locked away within the walls as if I had given myself a sentence. I needed to find something to do with my time. Work was something that I missed but even if I just found myself a hobby, mother had always told me life was for the living.

I felt guilty about invading Darren privacy but I needed to get him to see that he had a problem that needed to be sorted. I wanted to help him in anyway that I could. My mother had been right when she told me that Darren loved me and I was sure that that was true. I felt in my heart, I knew it within my soul. I could help him but first I needed him to acknowledge that he had a problem himself, until then there was nothing that anyone could do.

As I walked out of the house I saw the woman across the road again. I looked over at her and before I knew what was happening I found myself rushing down the path. The dark skinned woman did not even move as I approached her. I stopped just in front of her and I went to ask her why she had been watching our home. I saw something in her wrinkled face. I saw something in her eyes, it was as if she was just a shell. I didn't get the words out. The woman held her arms out and I found myself moving into her embrace. I stood there and cried as this frail woman held and gently patted my back. All she said over and over again was. "I'm so sorry, my child" It seemed like forever that I was stood there in her arms and when we parted I saw the tears falling from her eyes. She took my hand and she looked over at the house. "My boy shouldn't have been here. Your child is gone because he took this street. His life ended here also."

"I don't blame you." I told her and squeezed her hand. "I feel no hatred for you."

"We stand together in our sorrow." Her frail hand wiped a tear from my face and she reached down to a bag that was at her feet. She took out a diary and handed it to me.

"You write his life, You tell the story of the days of his life taken."

"I...I'm not sure I c...can." I was shaking now.

"Your strength is greater than you know. His life that should have been will heal you. Let him speak to you and show you the life he would have lived."

"Thank -you." The woman picked up her back and slowly turned and walked up the road.

Darren came home much later than I had thought and I had started to worry. As he walked in the house I noticed that he was red in the eyes. I went to say something when I noticed he had dropped his jacket on the floor and a small bottle of whisky was in the inside pocket. I picket it up and put it where it should go behind the door. As I walked in the kitchen I saw Darren sitting at the table. I walked over and poured out some coffee and put it down in front of him.

"It's black!" He said as I placed it down.

"Yes! I can see that. I think you need it to sober up a bit."

"I went for a drink with the lads from work."

"Decided to bring a bottle home did you, to go with your collection!"

Darren looked up at me and I held my lock on his eyes. He lowered his head as if he had been caught with his hands in the cookie jar. I sat down at the table. I just didn't know what else to say.

"If you go on this way you are going to lose your job. Where are we going to be then?"

"I'm fine!"

"You are NOT fine. You need alcohol to get you through the day, everyday!"

"I will stop, I just... need something right now!"

"You NEED to see what it is doing to you, to the both of us"

"Just don't go on, ok!" Darren got up and stormed out of the kitchen into the bedroom and I just sat feeling more alone than ever.

As the night went on I left Darren sleeping on the bed while I sat in the living room by the fire. I had put on my pyjamas, picked up the diary and opened the front cover. I picked up a pen and I wrote  on the inside : THE DIARY OF JACOB.  That was as far as I got. I just looked down at the page and I thought What could I put? Where in his life would he start this diary? I could see him if I closed my eyes as a teenager with his blonde hair cut in whatever the latest fashion was. His clothes would be the most up to date, his grandmother wouldn't have anything less. I could see him heading off to school with his friends, he didn't need his old mother now to be fussing over him. It was that stage where mothers were embarrassments and fathers were hero's or enemy's .

An hour must have passed and I picked up the pen and I started to write and it was as if a warmth flowed into my very being. My hands felt like they had a slight tingle. I found myself putting down words that I wasn't sure where they had come from but they were my words for our life together that should have been!

JAN 1ST 2022

Jacob come home  today and I noticed that he had a slight stain on the collar of his shirt. He went into his room and hurriedly took it off and changed into his normal clothes. I walked into the room to gather up the washing, yes to check the shirt also. I noticed that the mark was indeed what I thought it was : LIPSTICK. I smiled to myself and put the shirt back into the basket and took it to the laundry room. All the time I noticed Jacob watching me like a hawk. I didn't say a word but I wondered if I should get his dad to talk the birds and the bee's with him, although at this point I think he knew all he needed to know!

As I put the dirty clothes into the washing machine, Jacob walked in and told me that he going to go over to Gavin's house to play the play station. I turned and looked at him. I didn't want him to feel he had to lie to me. "Is it a girl your going to see?"

"Well Gavin can be a big girl when he is losing." he laughed. "Don't worry, mum!"

"I do worry! It's my job." I went to straighten his shirt but he pulled away.

"I'm not going to meet a girl, I'm not going to make a girl pregnant."

"I should hope not!" I must have sounded so worried because he laughed again.

"Relax, Mum.  I am going to play some games and be a good little boy!"

"I'm not trying to be the overbearing mum, Jacob."

"I know, chill out and go watch your soaps. Get Dad to do whatever you guys do when we are not around."

I must have gone red. "Just be back in time for tea. We are having a new years roast, you know how much you love roast."

"I wouldn't miss it, catch you later" Jacob left without a kiss for his mother, he was growing up so fast.

                                                                       ~

I closed the diary and looked up at the clock. It was well past midnight. I put the diary down on the table and made my way over to the bedroom. Darren was snoring and I slipped into the bed next to him. He turned over and reached out as if to put his arm around me but I moved out of the way. I didn't want him to touch me and the smell of his alcohol was starting to make me feel sick. If he didn't deal with this soon I really did not know where it was going to leave us.

"I need help!" I listened as Darren turned over in his sleep. "I don't want this."

"Darren?" I sat up. "Are you awake?" No reply.

Darren was facing the truth in his sleep that he had a problem but he was able to do it in his waking moments. I wasn't sure what to make of this. Was he in some way trying to let me know that he needed me to help him in some way? If he didn't want this in our lives then why wasn't he asking me for help? I would do anything go and see anyone if it could get us back on the road that we had been on before Jacob had passed away. Did he deep down blame me? Did he think that I had neglected my duties as a parent that day? Was my mothers phone call more important than the safety of our child? These were questions that I had asked myself over and over again. Did he want to voice the same questions? If it would help him, help us I was happy for him to shout out at me and tell me I was a neglectful mother. I would go down on my knees and beg for forgiveness if that is what he needed from me.

The next day when we sat in the kitchen there wasn't a conversation going on and I could tell by Darren's face that he didn't have a good nights sleep. I went to ask to him about his dream but something stopped me. I stood up and walked over to the sink and placed our breakfast things into the warm soapy water. Darren got up from his chair and walked out of the back door and down the yard to his shed. I knew what he was going to do when he got there and I walked over to the back door and watched him as he went inside. I slammed the back door shut and went over and start to clean the breakfast things, a little bit to aggressively. The front door bell went and I walked over to the door to open it and standing there was Pete, Darren's boss. He asked me where Darren was and I told him that he was down in the shed and that I would go fetch him. I told Pete to wait in the living room while I went to fetch him. This didn't look good and I had started to fear that the day had come where Darren lost his job and our life fell to pieces even more.

 

 

 

 

 

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