Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.


16. Bad dreams and a birthday

The canteen was a buzz of people, Doctors and nurses sat trying to relax in a rare spare moment. Visitors sat and ate food talking over how the person they were here to visit were getting on. The canteen staff were rushed off of their feet, a big framed woman called out for someone to come and fix the tea machine. The room was painted a pale blue and the big glass windows gave a view of the outside of the laundry room, where a van was unloading big bags of what looked like sheets. I sat down with my coffee and poured in far too much sugar. It had been one of those days and I needed the extra fix. I glanced across the room and noticed that Cindy had walked in. I waved my hand and too anyone else it must have looked like two old friends meeting. It just goes to show you can never judge a book by its cover. Cindy made her way over to me and I could see that she was slightly shaking. I took a breath and went to speak but Cindy got the first words in before I could say what I was going to say.

"I don't know what to say to you." She was looking me dead in the eyes. "I'm not sorry for my child."

"I don't want you to feel sorry for your child. That life inside of you was going to come to this Earth in one way or anther."

Cindy looked shocked. "I thought you would..."

"Would what? Shout at you, rip your face off?"

"Well, yes!"

"Believe me I feel that on the inside and I have to push it away. That would not get us anywhere."

"So what DO you want? I am going to have this baby and Darren will be a part of its life."

"So he SHOULD be. It's more the two of you that I worry about. What is there between the two of you?"

"Nothing, at least not now. He has told me how much he wants to be with you and how he feels he has lost everything now. I told him that I am not about to stand in your way. All I want is for him to do right by this child."

"I will make sure that he does. You will not have to worry."

"Look, I really need to get going." Cindy stood up. "I truly am sorry." Cindy walked away, leaving me feeling numb. I just wasn't sure how I felt. I wanted to get up and hit her and at the same time I wanted to hug her and assure her that everything was going to be ok.

On the bus journey home I looked out of the windows at the world passing by. I was going through so many thoughts in my mind that I almost missed my stop. As I got off of the bus I walked down the road heading back towards the house. I couldn't wait to get inside so I could sit down and relax. I felt so tired lately. I guess that everything was catching up with me and it seemed like I was spinning inside a tornado half of the time. Darren had seemed a lot more alert today and he had told me about his meeting with all of the Doctors and specialists. It seemed that he had gained a whole new respect for people who were suffering and for those who looked after them. He told me that he had started to see that it wasn't just Jacob's death that had put him on this path but events in his past that he had not even thought about for many years. The smallest thing can be hidden in the back of the sub conscious and come to the forefront at any time.

"Why didn't you slap the bitch?" Mother did not mince her words as usual.

"What would be the point of a all out war?"

"It would have made you feel better."

"Well I just have to think about Darren and if we can go forward."

"Why don't you just get away, sweet heart. Move as far away as you can and start a new life."

"Turn my back on Darren!" I was angry. "To let him kill himself!"

"Look, I'm not saying right now. Just think ahead. I will help you in any way that I can."

"I need to get back to work. I can not lose this job."

"Work is good, it will take your mind off of everything."

"Yes! It helps." I went to speak then my mother spoke again. "What do you want to do next week?"

"Next week?" I asked in confusion.

"Oh honey, You have had so much going on you have forgotten. It's Jacob's birthday."

As my mother said those words it felt like the ground had dropped beneath my feet. I glanced up at the calendar on the wall. I sat down on the stairs and found my breathing was getting harder. I tried to speak but I couldn't get the words to come out. My boys birthday was next week! He wouldn't be here to open any presents or for us to give him a hug. How could I forget so easy? HOW COULD I ? I got the words out and told my mother I would phone her back about it. I got off of the phone and walked into the living room where my diary was on the table. I sat down in the chair and I picked it up, held it to my chest and I just rocked in the chair for what must have been a long time. I cried and cried, how many tears could one person cry? I felt like the most evil woman on the face of the Earth for forgetting that Jacob's birthday was next week. Did Darren remember? I wasn't even sure if they would allow him out of the hospital for us to do some kind of memorial for him. I would have to phone them and see if they could arrange something. I would have to go down to the church and see if I could get something sorted at such short notice.

The fire was burning bright and no matter where I turned I faced the flames. I tried to move from the bedroom to the bathroom but it seemed as if big hands of burning orange/red were reaching out to grab me. I looked at the stairs and saw the flames making there way up the walls. I was trapped I had no where to go and all I could do was face the burning heat and surrender. I woke up with a start and my heart was beating fast. I was dripping wet and I got out of bed and walked into the bath room. I splashed some water on my face and sat down for a moment on the toilet seat. The dream had been so vivid and my heart was only just starting to calm down. I looked up at the mirror and saw what a mess I was in. I showered and pulled my big cosy white towel around me and I headed down into the kitchen where I put the kettle on. It was still dark outside. The whole house had a creepy feel at this time in the morning, that and the fact that I was alone. Nothing seemed real at this time of day and I knew that I should head to bed, but I was awake now. This was my last day before returning to work and I had so many things to do. I needed to speak to Darren and find out what it was he wanted to do for Jacob's birthday, if they would let him leave the hospital at all. Somehow It felt like I was going to have rush and I needed to let my mother know because she would want to do something. I didn't want a big affair. I wanted something that was just Darren my mother and myself. This was the most important thing to me. I felt like nothing that I could do would be enough, how could it be? I wanted to go meet Whoever was up their and beg for them to give me another chance. Bring my boy back to me and I will not fail him again.

As I left the house that morning I felt a little tired because of the restless sleep that I had had. I made my way to the church where I found the vicar tending to the hanging baskets outside the church doors. He turned around and smiled when he saw me. I took a deep breath and went to speak but he held his hand up. I waited for him to speak first.

"I'm so pleased to see you."  His voice was kind and gentle as always.

"Thank you." I looked over his shoulder at the hanging baskets. "What lovely displays."

"Yes, God has blessed us with such beauty in our world. I often think how underappreciated it all is."

"Indeed." I don't know why I was nervous now. "I wanted to ask you something, I know it is short notice. I wanted to know if my mother and myself and Darren could have a small service for Jacob, it would have been his birthday Tuesday coming."

"I'm sure I can find the time." He smiled. "We should remember those who have passed."

"I will cover the cost of your time." I assured him.

"Judy, you do what you feel is right, I am happy to do it either way." he smiled.

"Thank you, thank you so much." I felt those tears coming again and I was fighting.

"Shall we go inside and talk about what you would like?"

"Yes, thank you again." I said and followed him into the church.


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