Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.



When Pete left the house he didn't say anything to me, in fact he just looked down at the floor as he mumbled a faint goodbye and let himself out. Darren walked back out of the house making his way back to the shed. I ran out after him and asked him what it had all been about and he spun around to face me, stopping me in tracks. As he approached me I saw his red eyes, tears forming. He pointed his finger at me and he was like a rabid animal as he spoke to me, I stood shocked!

"Don't even start on me, this wasn't my fault. They shouldn't have let me go back so soon!"

I knew the worse has invited itself into our lives now. "What did you do wrong?"

"Oh that's it assume he came to tell me that I did something wrong!"

"Darren, he wouldn't let you go for nothing. What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about his now! I need to go think!"

"Well while your drinking down there maybe you can THINK how the hell we are going to pay the mortgage on this place now!" I turned and headed back into the house, slamming the back door. I didn't know what to think or do. Everything that I feared had came true and now we were facing the fact that could lose our home.

As I sat and waited for Darren to come back into the house I picked up my diary and turned to the what I had written before. I read over it and cried all the way through it. I picked up my pen and started a new page. I needed to hear from Jacob and what he had been up to. Anything to take me away from the pain of living, the pain of a heart that was nit beating with love right now.

JAN 15

I stood by the window today and watched Jacob outside. I don't know why I do that but I love to see him speaking with his friends. He is so grown up now. I know that in a few years time he will be finding his own path in the world. I didn't know how I would feel the day he left the house to move in with the one hew loved or to go see the world, I really hoped that he would go see some of this beautiful world that we only have a limited time on. I wanted him to experience all of those things that I never did. I didn't want him to miss out on any opportunity that should come his way.

As I looked out I noticed his friends nod to him to let him know that I was watching. I could sense the dismay he felt so I left the window and continued on with my housework.

When Jacob came home later today he was standing with Sara Cotton, I knew her mother and she wasn't the most pleasant woman I had ever crossed paths with. I wasn't sure if her daughter was the kind of girl that I wanted my son to be hanging around with. I thought that I should reserve my judgements until I had spoken to the girl she could, after all,  be nothing like her mother, who had lost her undergarments in many a gentleman's car, if you get the picture I paint.

"Sara, how is your mother?" I was all smiles and Jacob was giving me a look that held warning signals.

"I don't know, I 'aint seen her for a couple of days."

"Oh, is she working away?"

"Working away on some guy probably" As she said that she blew a bubble with her gum.

"Oh so are you home alone?"

"Mum, what's with all the questions. We only came in to get a soda."

"I was just making conversation! You don't mind do you, Sara?"

"Don't bother me. I can look after myself. I was always on my own when I was a kid."

"You still are a child!" I couldn't help myself. "Your mother should be home with you!"

"My mother should mind her nose before she trips over it!" Jacob cut me off before I could say more and I could see Sara trying not to laugh. Jacob went to the fridge and got out two cans of soda and gave one to Sara. They turned to leave and I spoke one final time.

"sara, would you like to stay for tea?" I smiled.

"That would be cool, thanks!" They headed out and I sighed. What was I to do?

As I stood making Macaroni and cheese I couldn't help but think of how Sara had been living such a poor quality of life. I felt like waiting until her mother was home and marching over to see her. I thought about child services maybe I should call them? What would Jacob think if he found out? I just didn't like to think of what could happen to that poor girl if other boys got to know she was alone in that house. What could happen and I didn't want my son to be any part of that!

As I finished the words I heard Darren walk back into the house. I put the diary away as he walked into the living room and sat down. The football game was on the television. I took a deep breath but all that came out of my mouth was something else than I wanted to say.

"I fancy Mac and cheese tonight, do you want it?"

"Yeh, anything." He turned his attention back to  the game.


As I got ready for bed I was burning up inside with anger. We still hadn't spoken about the events of the day and now Darren was watching a film on the movie channel. I didn't even say good night as I went up into the bathroom. I didn't what to say or think now. I didn't want to make things worse but we absolutely needed to speak about what we were going to do, how we were going to live. My thoughts kept on returning back to the fact that we could lose our home. The home where we brought Jacob back to and the home he had been growing up in. So much had happened in this house good and bad but I didn't ever want to leave it this way.

I stood looking in the mirror and wiping away my tears. I saw a woman much older than myself looking back at me and I could see every line on her face. I could see how tired she was. I noticed that her hair wasn't as nice as it had been before. She has hands that were shaky with nerves. I wanted to slap her and tell her to break out of it, what did she look like and how dare she feel this self pity! She was standing there with her life, HER LIFE!, living when her child was dead! She needed to was that face and put on her best clothes and walk out into that world with a great big smile on her face.

"I feel like burning this house down!" Was all I could hear her say. She was a woman who had a drunk for a husband, a man who had become redundant in more ways than one. Did she want to put up with this? She felt like walking away from the house as it burnt down with all her worries inside it!





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