Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.


19. A spark and a Flame

I sat in the canteen on my lunch break. I looked around at all of the people sitting in the room with me. One of these was responsible for taking the money from the till and getting Tiffany the sack. It was sad to think that I would have to be vigilant of them all because of one. I did not question Tiffany's innocence for one second. I believed that whoever did this would now think that they had some kind of power and sooner or later they would try again, I would be waiting.

Darren had another meeting to go to today and I had insisted that I go with him. He told me that I needed to return to work and that I had to trust him. I couldn't help but worry that it was going to be too much for him. I didn't want to come home and find him the way that I did before. We needed a break and I was going to take my mother up on the offer that she had made to me. It seemed that she wanted me and Darren to get far away from home. We couldn't think about things with all the memories around us in this place and with Cindy, who could pop up at any moment. It was a tempting offer because I could do with just relaxing for a while, we both could.

Not long after Jacob was born my mother had paid for Darren me and the baby to go away for a short break. I can remember her telling Darren that it was time for me to relax and that he needed to be there and pamper me, I had done all the hard the work! Darren had told her that he would always take of me and the baby, I never doubted that. I remember that as I sat on the beach he was holding Jacob in his arms and pointing to the sea and telling him all about the ocean. I told him that he couldn't possibly understand him, Darren assured me that Jacob was taking it all in.  As he got a little older Jacob loved playing on the beach, building sandcastles and promptly knocking them down again. Darren would always let Jacob win when they threw stones at those castles. I would sit with my head in a book, occasionally glancing up when I heard the noise the boys were making. I would shake my head and return to my book.

Darren had told Jacob that they should put a letter in a bottle and bury in deep in the sand and that one day someone might dig it up. I wondered if anyone had ever found that note? I wasn't even sure what Darren had put down on it. Jacob had rushed off after the burial of the bottle heading to find the hidden treasures his dad had told him the pirates had buried somewhere on the beach. I can remember shouting out to him to find a big diamond for me so I could live n riches for the rest of my life.

After I returned to my till I noticed a woman was shopping with her daughter. The little girl had her long brown hair tied in bunches. Her dress was white with little red roses on it. Her shoes were shiny and new and a little red rose was on the side of them. She had the most happy smile, her mother on the other hand was unkempt. She looked like she was about to go to war. Her clothing looked dirty and big hoops hung from her ears. She picked up items and then threw them into her basket. The little girl skipped along in her own little world. It seemed that this woman gave everything she had to her child. She was crisp and clean and happy.

"What does that say?" The woman asked the girl, pointing at a sign above the freezer.

"Two for one." The little girl skipped off to the sweet isle as the woman picked up the items she had been  inquiring about.

Sometimes You forget how lucky you are. You forget about other people out there in the world. We take so many things in our everyday lives for granted and although we have heard it so many times before there truly were people out there worse off than you. We all had a story and we all had needs. That woman relied on her little girl to help her in her life. What would happen when that little was grown and moving on with her life? There was so much that that woman held within, so much that she could achieve if she was willing to help herself.

The journey back from work was slow. Traffic was heavy on the roads. I just wanted to get home and make sure that Darren had been to the meeting and that everything went ok. I just wished that I had gone with him. I was pleased when I finally got home to find Darren was watching the evening news. He switched off the television and walked into the kitchen where he proceeded to put the kettle on. I slumped down at the kitchen table.

"How was your day?" He asked me. "The meeting went ok. I didn't feel so overwhelmed."

"That's great love. Your sure it wasn't too much for you?"

"NO, I was able to talk about how I was feeling and to let others know how far I had sunk."

"That's good. I'm so pleased." Darren put the coffee on the table.

"I will drink this and take a shower." I told him. "I'm not sure what to do for dinner?"

"I will cook." Darren told me. "You have been out all day."

"Thanks." I said as I took a sip of coffee and it felt so good!

As the water cascaded down on my skin I closed my eyes. It felt so refreshing as I washed the day away. I could hear the television and I knew that Darren had returned to his programme, at least that is what I thought. I felt the warm hands on my shoulders as they gentle squeezed. It felt so good to once again feel that familiar touch. The hands slipped with soapy water down the arch of my back and I felt them gently pull me to the body of the man who's touch I had missed so much. I kept my eyes closed as he gently kissed my neck, one hand slipped under my arm and found my breast. I found myself suddenly gasping as he gently turned me around, wiped the wet hair from my face and moved down to kiss me. His lips were so warm and his kiss, though filled with passion, so loving, so gentle. I gave in to this man and under that water we made love like we hadn't done for so long. Passion had us both in its grasp and it wasn't going to let go.

When I woke up I was expecting to feel guilt. I found myself turning over and looking at Darren who was sleeping soundly beside me. I didn't feel guilt or shame. This man was the man who I now knew I still loved very deeply. I wasn't about to give him up for Cindy or anyone else. The child was an issue, yes, but I was determined now to find the answer to dealing with the situation. Darren still needed to be there for that baby and Cindy but It was me he had chosen. I didn't know how I was going to feel when the baby was born, even when I saw him holding it. It was going to be beyond tough. I knew that I could find the answer and I knew that it meant another tough path for us both. Was I wrong? I wasn't one hundred per cent sure but I wasn't giving Darren up, Not now!

Darren walked in the kitchen in only his underwear. He kissed me on the head and sat down in the opposite chair. It was still early in the morning and the first light hadn't even come up yet. I could see that he had a worried look on his face. I held out my hand to his.

"Do you regret what we did?" He asked me. "Was I wrong?"

"NO! I don't regret it and It could never be wrong."

"SO what now?"

"Now we take each day as it comes to us. We have a long and tough road ahead."

"I love you, Judy."

"You daft sod!" I said and gripped his hand even tighter. "I love you too."




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