Jacob's diary

How can I go on with my world when my boy is no longer here? I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is feel like I can't face the day ahead without my son. I had to keep him alive and the only way I could do that was to make sure he lived his life through my diary. What did he do when he grew up? who did he fall in love with? I was going to give him the life that was taken so he would still be with me.



The first day of work had proven to be more exhausting that I thought it would be. I had been replenishing the stock and later on I was put on the tills. I had sat in the staff canteen at lunch when a young girl, who had been working opposite me, walked in she sat down with her sandwich and sighed. I smiled at her and could see that for someone so young she looked like she had all the troubles in the world. Her name badge said, Tiffany. I picked up my coffee and took a mouthful when  Tiffany spoke to me. Her voice sounded like she had smoked three backs of cigarettes at once.

"Do you know, those bloody customers piss me off!"

"Bad day?" I laughed.

"This woman was moaning off that I had put something through twice when the receipt clearly showed that it had been scanned once."

"I'm dreading those kind of people."

"You just have stand your ground. They will try it on."

"Have you worked here long."

"About three years. I don't mind it gets me out of the house and away from him indoors and the kids."

"A bit stressful I take it."

"They drive me bloody mad!"

"How old are they?"

"Seven and four. DO you have any children?"

It hit me like a brick. " No, my son was killed."

"My God I'm so sorry." Tiffany looked up at the clock. "Where does the time go?"

"I should get back myself. Don't want to be back late on my first day."

"Old Mr Sharma don't know what time of day it is half the time. I wouldn't worry."

The rest of the day went well. In the moments where we didn't have anyone at the tills Tiffany and I would have a little chat to each other. If someone came to my till and was a little bit off Tiffany would deal with them for me. It was strange I felt like I had known her for years by the end of the day. As we walked over to where our cars were parked I could see she had a slight limp in her walk. It was sad that someone so young was in the body of an older woman. I didn't know anything of her life but her body reflected to me that it hadn't been a very good one so far.

When I got home Darren had started to make the evening meal. He seemed very subdued and I asked him if everything was ok. He told me he was fine and  asked me how my day went. I told him all about Tiffany and the events of the day. As he placed our meals onto the table he told me that he had been phoning around different companies and that some had told him to send in all the relevant paper work and they would take a look. I told him how pleased I was. It was a start and he should be proud of himself for that, some how I didn't think he felt that at all.

In the evening Darren and I sat in front of the television. I still sat apart from him but inside I wanted to snuggle up together. I looked at him and noticed he was only half watching the programme. It seemed his mind was miles away. I wished I know what he was thinking and maybe I could help him with what was on his mind. I looked up at the advertisement on the screen.

"We should book a holiday when we get ourselves back on track."

Darren looked at me. "We haven't been away for a long time. That could do us some good."

"I'm sure we could find somewhere that isn't too expensive."

"We should pick up some brochures. We could do that at the weekend."

Our honeymoon had been spent in Paris. Darren had taken me to every site you could want to see. Every night we ate in the finest restaurants and the honeymoon suite at the hotel was out of this world. It had been such a special time. Darren had made love to me with such passion and care. I would hold those memories until the day I was no longer on this Earth. In those times it would never ever have crossed my mind that Darren would ever hold another woman in his arms, that he would take another woman to bed. That was something other men did. Jacob had been conceived out of that honeymoon and that made it all the more memorable, Paris had faded in colour for me now, I would hold my memories but I couldn't go back to that place.

As I got myself ready for bed I noticed Darren was looking at his phone. When I walked into the bath room I didn't think anymore of it. I turned on the tap and let the water fill the sink and I began to wash my face. I felt so tired after the first day back at work in such a long time. I had enjoyed the day and I liked the people I had been working with. Tiffany had told me all about the regular people who came into the shop, even who to look out for when thieves came into the store. I was surprised by some of the people she told me about, people who would have no reason to steal but just seemed to get the thrill from it. Mr's Johnson, an eighty year old, had came in to the store and was busy filling her small basket with a few things to tide her over. Tiffany told that she had lost her husband to cancer a few months back and was always in the store looking for someone to talk too as she had no other family. I couldn't help but think how sad that was, to be truly alone in this world. It was lovely to talk to her about the (Good old days) but I had to be careful of the boss who wasn't happy if anyone was caught talking to her for too long.

"Night!" I called out to Darren and I didn't get the usual reply.

"Sorry!" he said a few moment later when he appeared in the doorway."

"You have seemed distracted today."

"Yes, I have a buddy who helps me, a person from the group. It has been a tough day and I was texting him for some support."

"That's a good thing, you don't need to be sorry for that."

"It was just, you had a lot on today and I didn't want to add any pressure on you."

"I'm pleased you called someone. I did have some sad news myself."

"I saw the paper on the kitchen table. Are you ok?"

"I want to find out when the funeral is. I would like to do something even if I just send flowers or make a donation."

"That would be a nice thing to do. Night!"

"Night!" I said and Darren closed the door behind him.

I wondered about that poor woman. I understood what she must have been feeling and God knows I wanted to be with Jacob. I didn't know why but I felt like I should do something for her. If she was up there with her son I wanted her to know that I nothing against her. I understood her pain, I felt it for my own son. Jacob had been the light through our dark days, there hadn't been many while he was alive. I said a little prayer for her and I asked whatever was up there to see her safely home.


After many weeks the social services had decided that it was in the best interest of Sara that she stay here with us and attend the school that she knew. Jacob had been overjoyed and We all celebrated with a big day out. I had seen such a change in Jacob and Sara. She was now a part of our family, she was a daughter to me. It was funny how far I had come from how I felt about her when Jacob first started to hang around with her. Sara had buried her mother with our help and the funeral had been sad, not many people attended and Jacob had stood holding her hand the whole time. Days after Jacob was checking on her as he was so worried about how she was feeling. I was worried too but she had proved stronger than anyone thought.

Jacob had taken too doing a lot of Art work and I could see such potential. I wanted to encourage that in him. He had drawn people with such a likeness you would think that you were looking at a photograph. He told me that he was interested in expressing what he felt in drawings and even felt like doing some painting, he gets that from my mother. When I was in school I just about draw stick figures and the teachers had always said that I would struggle with Art and they were right!

"I would like to study photography." Jacob told his father one night.

"sounds expensive, son." Darren had told him.

"It would be but I can start with a cheap camera and work from there."

"We will have to see, son"

"I'm sure we can sort something out. You have to be sure though that that is what you want to do."

"I do, I see things in a way that I want to capture in pictures."

"Well leave it with your father and I." Jacob went off looking a little down.

"Can we afford all of what he would need?"

"Well lets start small, we will get him a camera and books that he can study and if he is still interested we can take it from there." I told Darren.

Jacob called me into his room and showed me the pictures he had on his computer, taken with just his phone. I couldn't believe how good they were. The flowers were so bright in colour and the picture looked like it could have come from a gardening magazine. I saw pictures he had taken of friends while at school, pictures of the school itself. I needed to get Darren to look at this and I called him into the room. We went back over the photographs, Darren looked amazed and when Jacob had gone to bed that night Darren had told me that we just had too make sure we encouraged him in his art. We would have to get him the things that he needed. I was sure that his future was in in Art in some form.



Darren sat at the breakfast table with his phone in his hand. I walked in looking like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards. He put the phone away and smiled at me. He went to get up to make me a coffee but I told him to stay there and made it myself. I sat down and noticed he was taping in the table, it was annoying. I went to tell him to stop when he looked at me and I could see that he had tears in his eyes. I reached my hand out and touched his. He looked at me.

"I didn't want this to happen. I wanted us to be together again and I have been trying to get better, I swear to you I have."

"Darren, what's wrong? Have you taken a drink? It's only a set back it happens."

"NO!" he got up and started to pace. "This is worse, far worse."

I got up from my chair and held him steady. " Tell me what's wrong?"

"I love you, so much. You wont be able to stay with me now, You will leave me."

"What is so bad?" I begged him. "Just speak to me, Darren."

"the txt messages, they were from Cindy."

"What does she want?" I asked. "Is she pressuring you?"

"No, she text me to tell me that she is pregnant!"

The thunder clouds had opened up. The storm had hit me and I was sure that the world was falling away from under my feet. What was I going to do with this information that Darren had just dropped on me? I just stood for a moment with my hand on my mouth while Darren stood sobbing. I found myself stepping back from him. Cindy was carrying the child of the man that I loved, my husband. We had lost our little boy and he was fathering a baby with HER! I started to cry as Darren moved to hold me and I put my hand up to tell him to stay where he was. My mouth felt dry, I was sure I going to faint. I sat down in the chair at the table and Darren returned to his chair.

"What am I going to do?"

I looked up, anger on my face. "What are you going to do? You are going to have to face your responsibilities and the consequences of your actions!"

"Where does this leave us?"

"US?" I stood up. "Their is no, US!" I ran from the room into the bedroom and slammed the door, locking it I fell onto the bed and started to sob.

I didn't think about Darren in all of the time I was on that bed. I was thinking about that child, growing in Cindy. Darren had another child and I was left with nothing. Was that selfish? was I jealous of him and her? This child was going to be born and he was going to be a part of its life, a father. I would never be a mother to it, It would never be born from the love that Darren and I made. I was going to be left with the grief and he would be pouring all of his love into this child. It wasn't born and I was here feeling nothing but contempt for the child. How was I ever going to cope with this? How could I even be in the same room as him now? This was something I just couldn't deal with, I couldn't! I had to leave. I grabbed my bags and started packing them as Darren was outside the door banging on it, begging me to stay with him. Was this going to make him go back to the bottle? What else could I do? What should I do. I didn't want him to slip backwards when he had been doing so well. I had to leave the house and he had to face up to what he had done. I decided to call up his support group and get someone to speak with him, right now I felt that was more than he deserved. I opened the bedroom door to find him slumped with his head in his hands.

"Is there any drink in this house?" I asked him as I put my case down.

"What?" He asked me.

"Are you hiding any drink anywhere in the house?"

"No!,  I swear"

"Good. I will call someone get them to phone you. I am going now, you can not expect me to take this all in. I will call, I will check in to make sure your ok. That doesn't mean anything else."

"What have I done?" Darren grabbed my arm as I picked up my case to leave.

"let go, Darren!" I warned him. "We don't want the police called."

"I didn't want a baby, not after Jacob."

"Then you should have put something on!" I walked out of the house and slammed the door.

I drove for about twenty minuets not even knowing where I was going. I pulled over and searched my bag for my phone. I called my mothers number and after a short while the answer phone kicked in. I left a tearful message and hung up. I felt more alone now than I had ever felt in my entire life. Where was I going to go? I didn't have the money for a hotel and I was due at work soon. I couldn't call in sick on my second day. I went onto facebook on my phone and noticed Tiffany was online. I text her a long message and she replied. She told me to meet her at the macdonalds close to work. I started the car and headed to meet her. I didn't know how I was going to get through this day. I drove on, thinking of the diary in my bag. All I wanted right now was to be with Jacob.







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