Scared

i have never been scared of anyone. a little intimidated maybe but never scared.

but im scared of your deep green orbs and im scared of your amazing smile.

im scared of your love and what you want.

im scared of falling for you and im scared of loving you.

im scared because all the above makes the firework go off in my stomach.

im scared of you

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1. prologue

If anyone had told me just a few hours ago, that by the end of the night I would be considered mr. Harry Styles’ latest catch, all thanks to a nosy paparazzi, I would’ve told them they were nuts. 

Nonetheless that is exactly what happened to me and as I’m sitting here in my room, at around 2am in complete darkness, I’m still not quite sure what happened. 

It was probably the alcohol still in my system, blurring the memory of tonight’s event. Yeah, speaking of alcohol, a killer headache was forming down under my skull.

Groaning i fell backwards down on my bed letting out a big sigh. I immediately regretted that decision and grabbed my head as I felt the pounding growing stronger from the sudden and fast movement. 

I closed my eyes and rolled around in the bed for a few minutes, to calm down the headache, before I slowly got up and went to the bathroom to find painkillers. 

That I had even gone to a club tonight was all thanks to my friend. It was not something I would normally do and it was not something I would have thought of myself ever doing. You see I’m a shy girl. 

Even though I’m 18, I have only had one boyfriend and that was ages ago, but I was not ready to commit myself to a life like that again.

So now you must be wondering – what were you doing in a bar full of hormonal boys wanting to hit and grind on you, and might even want to take you home afterwards. 

And you see, I found myself replaying that question over and over in my head several times as I was walking through the crowded club in down town London looking for a way to escape the thick air. 

It was my friend Amanda who dragged me here claiming she was tired of hanging out with a virgin mary, so she dragged me to a club, to possible get laid or maybe find a handsome boy I thought was worth my time. Even though im not a virgin I might as well be considered one since its been years. 

Its not that im not interested in boys but my shy side makes a one night stand impossible, because I make the conversation awkward 3 seconds after boys approach me, and then they leave again. A relationship was not even on terms of speaking. I enjoyed being free and I didn’t want to be tied down as many other girls would give their right leg to be. I wanted to focus on my school for now, and maybe later I would be ready for a relationship.

But back to the club; as I said before I was making my way through the club, to find some sort of exit, because the air was getting to thick and the temperature was rising making me almost sick.

one second I was walking through the crowded club and the next I slipped in a drink and was in the arms of a curly haired boy with dimples. That someone managed to snap a picture of me and dimple guy looking rather couply and close the two seconds before I was out of his grip again was, excuse my French, really a bunch of ass shit.
 
We didn’t act couply. He’d caught me when I slipped – a normal reflex of course. And no denying, I had felt something inside when his dark green orbs bore in to mine in a warm almost caring way, but couply was maybe just an overreaction. It had been hard for me to snap out of it and two seconds really felt like a longer time, and even though it wasn’t, the person with the camera had time enough to take a picture of me in Harry’s arms, both of us staring right in each other’s eyes.

I hadn’t noticed the guy with the camera till I got home – with a smile on my face might I add – not able to forget about Harry. As said before it could be the rather large amount of alcohol weakening my ability to think clearly – I think I’ll stick to that explanation.

My smile was quickly wiped off my face when I had opened my laptop. My eyebrows furrowed together and I had quickly taken a seat at my desk, trying to find sense in what was happening. I couldn’t believe my own eyes and I still wasn’t sure what I had seen was actually true. There was no denying, that was Harry Styles and as much as I tried to convince myself that was another girl in his arms, I knew it couldn’t be anyone other than me.

Harry was a good-looking younger man and he certainly knew how to take advantage of that. Every week pictures of him or one of his other handsome bandmates were seen in tons of magazines leaving a club with a girl, getting in a car with a girl, entering their hotel with a girl; and it was never the same girl.

Of course, I knew who he was when I slipped, but I didn’t fully realize I was in the arms of a famous boy band member until I left and got out of the club. As soon as I got out of his grip, I quickly thanked him and gave him a quick smile before rushing off towards the exit I had now spotted. I heard him calling me, but I ignored him and hurried away. His “hey! Come back!” were quickly muted by the loud music, then I was out of the club, and I quickly found a cab and gave him my address.

On the way home, I couldn’t help but start to feel all giddy inside. The way Harry had looked at me, and the way his eyes bore in to mine made me feel wanted and warm inside. I had to shake the thoughts out of my head several times, and I had to remember I wasn’t going to meet him again. He had probably just considered me his next slut and his eyes was just another trick to make girls fall in to his bed. In this case, I fell in to his arms, but I guess that could almost be considered the same. 

But now that I was back in my apartment and I had seen the picture online, I knew that I was not going to hear the end of this night for a long time. Not from my friends and certainly not from the media either. 

Normally the picture would have been forgotten in a few days like all the others, but the connection between me and Harry in the picture, wasn’t only visible to me, it was visible to everyone. Of course everyone didn’t know what had really happened, and that’s why I assume most people would think he was leaning in to kiss me, while holding me close. 

In real life this would of course have been less romantic. I slipped, he grabbed me, I ran away.  

Its like, once you’ve been hurt, you’re so scared to get attached again. Like, you have this fear that every person you start to like is going to break your heart.

And that’s really my love life. I slip and fall, the boys grab me and everything is perfect, but I run away.

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