Scared

i have never been scared of anyone. a little intimidated maybe but never scared.

but im scared of your deep green orbs and im scared of your amazing smile.

im scared of your love and what you want.

im scared of falling for you and im scared of loving you.

im scared because all the above makes the firework go off in my stomach.

im scared of you

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3. decisions

I felt like an idiot for thinking the day after being seen with Harry in a club was bad. An idiot for thinking the amount of paps following me that day was too much to handle and the stares were rude and mean.

Because i can assure you i would never complain about what happened that day, if i'd known what i'd be like the week after Harry kissed me in public. in fact, i would relive the day after the club a 1000 times if it meant i could leave what im going through now.

It didnt take me long to push harry off of me and yell at him for doing such thing in public. I was embarrased i'd let myself get lost in the kiss and not push back immediately. it was completely not my thing to kiss someone i didnt know anything about. It just wasnt my thing.

His face was priceless though. He looked like a lost puppy that just got rejected for the first time, when i pushed him off me and told him to leave me alone.

But that being it, the people outside saw what they saw. We kissed. and there was no trying to denying it because we did. and i wasnt trying to deny it, because i would only make a fool out of myself. 

the thing that bothered me the most was that Harry Styles is a manwhore, and i am in no way a slut. Heck, i didnt even kiss boys because of my awkwardness. but i couldnt help but think that everything came so natural the few seconds Harry kissed me. There was no awkward tension the second his lips touched mine and my lips moved like i'd tried it many times before. When in reality i knew i hadn't. it felt magical and it felt right

Harry had made me feel special, even if it was just for a short moment, and i shouldnt have pushed him away. but i did, and now he's gone.

It’d now been a week since I’d seen Harry at the hotel, and I’d told him to back off and leave me alone. I wanted harry more than anything though. His smile, his eyes, his mouth, I wanted all of it, but my insides told me to run away before it was too late or I’d get hurt.

But whether i wanted Harry or not, I was in no way ready to get tangled in his messed up celebrity life. The paps, rumours, hate, lies.. it wasn't my cup of tea.

I'd been trying to focus 100% on school like i always did, but whenever i was bored in class, or doing my homework, harry seemed to sneak his way back in to my brain. Amanda had of course also heard about what happened. everyone had. she was determined to make Carry happen (apparently her new ship name for me and Harry).

mitch on the other hand seemed happy i'd told Harry off and he seemed to be on my side, but amanda was a handful and i couldnt wait to watch her get disappointed.

"So i was thinking.." mitch began as we sat in my apartment studying for a huge test we had next week. I looked up at him, and waited for him to continue. "I was thinking that, only if you want to of course, that maybe we could watch a movie tonight or something?" Mitch looked nervous out of this world, and it looked like he was very uncomfortable with this whole thing.

"umm i dont know what to say mitch.." what was i supposed to answer "no im not interested because im obsessing over a celebtrity?" not exactly the right answer. Its not that i didnt want to spend some Mitch and Chle time, but the way he was asking it seemed like he wanted it to be more than in a friendly way. as a date.

"you could say yes?" he said hopefully and i was still trying to find the right words. i scratched my neck awkwardly. how was i supposed to save myself out of this awkward situation. 

"yes. yes that sounds fun Mitch." he smiled and clapped his hands together before returning back to his studying. "great! lets say tonight then? i'll pick you up at 8!" 

what had i gotten myself into. 

____________

"I had a great time Mitch." i said as mitch slowed down and stopped his car in front of my apartment building. and i was actually speaking the truth. Spending time with Mitch wasn't bad at all and i actually enjoyed his company. 

"me too C. maybe we could do it another time?" i smiled at him and nodded. i leaned over and kissed his cheek before getting out of the car leaving him stunned, and i could see the goofy smile creeping on his lips. I waved when he drove off, and i couldnt help but feeling all giddy inside. I quickly shook away the thoughts in my head about how wonderful tonight had been, and made my way inside.

I wasnt supposed to enjoy tonight. My main focus was my school and i wouldnt allow some boy to mess up my career because of some stupid feelings.

A few clicking sounds were heard as i made my way from his car to the building and i knew that it was paps, hiding in hope of spotting me and Harry sneaking around. Well hate to disappoint them, but that wont happen.

When i unlocked the door to my apartment, my phone immediately went off. i sighed and quickly closed the door behind me before digging into my purse to find my vibrating phone.

"hello?" i said when i finally found it. i threw my purse and coat on the couch and made my way to the kitchen, to make myself a cup of tea before i went to bed. it always jelped me relax.

"C turn on your radio if you own on, there's something you have to hear!" it was amanda. i furrowed my eyebrows and found my radio on a shelf in the kitchen. 

"what can be so important now amanda, im tired" i fumbled with the radio trying to find the red button i knew was there somewhere.

"its an interview i dont know just turn it on already!" i finally found what i was looking for and pressed it.

"got it! now what is it amanda i swear if its someth-" i was cut off by an all too familiar voice.

no i wouldnt exactly say so. it immidiately  caught my attention. 

so what you're saying is that, you're not together? i found a chair and sat down in front of the radio, suddenly forgetting all about my tea.

thats right. 

but what about the kiss? i mean we all saw it, theres no way of trying to deny it

it did happen yes.

are you friends?

we're not, no.

do you have contact to her, i mean you kissed her in front of everyone! you must have some sort of feelings for her since you decided to that.

we met in a bar, she left her ipod, i wanted to it back to her, thats all.

- and kiss her

Harry laughed nervously and came with no straight answer he just mumbled something no one would have a chance of understandng.

I decided to turn off the radio. I wasnt really in mood to hear the rest of it. deep down inside i was still mad at myself for turning him down and asking him to leave me alone, because he was constantly on my mind. 

Mitch had made harry leave my mind for a night, but now he was back - and he taking over my thoughts again. It was driving me crazy and it was already showing in school. it was showing to my teahers who seemed to sense that something was wrong, and it was driving me crazy. I'd managed to keep all irrelevant thoughts out of my head for so long, so i could focus on school, and school only. but less than 5 minutes with Harry Styles seemed to have made years of building walls come crashing down. 

He strolled past my walls and barriers without even doing anything in particular - and i didnt like it.

__________________

At school it seemed like everyone was waiting for me and danielle to become bestfriends. Danielle was Liam's girlfriend and everyone knew that - though she wasnt the queen bee of our school. She was down to earth and like everyone else in this school - here to dance.

We have a few classes together, but we've never really talked. She knows who i am, and i know who she is, but thats it.

Like everyone, i wasnt waiting for danielle to confront me, so i was quite shocked when she talked to me, when i was washing my hands in the school's bathroom. She'd just come in to apply some lipgloss and do her hair. I hadn't noticed her at first, thinking it was someone else, so when she said "hi" i was startled and didnt know what to say.

 

"hey" i said and looked at her in the mirror above the sinks. She smiled at me and it was quite awkward to be honest. i smiled back and went back to washing my hands.

"Harry talks quite a bit about you actually" she said quietly, and i looked up again and furrowed my eyebrows.

 

"why would he talk about me though. he barely knows who i am." i turned off the water and dried my hands before i turned to look at her, waiting for an answer - this time not through the mirror. 

 

"Harry isnt like everyone makes him out to be. Sometimes, its his own fault, but most of the time, the things people say about him are wrong. He has a big heart and he doesnt play girls." she ruffled her big hair and double checked her reflection in the mirror, before grabbing her expensive looking purse.

I looked down, feeling a little ashamed she'd gotten the feeling i thought i thought harry was trash. "look, i think harry seems like a sweet guy and i dont know i just have a hard time showing feelings and-"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and i looked up to see it was danielle. (who else would it be lmao but still).

"sweetie, i know its hard, i thought so as well, when i first met liam, but if you give him a chance it will get better i promise. I have a feeling he's really into you."

she removed her hand from my shoulder and took a few steps back. "if you want to give him a chance, i can give him your number and let him know you maybe want to hang out sometime?"

i thought about it for a second. Hanging out with him cant be that bad. "sure." i said, and she handed me her phone, so i could write my number down. I handed it back to her, and a few seconds later, i felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. "I just sent you a text so you have my number as well."

"oh ok" 

"do you want to grab some lunch?" I thought about it, "i'd love to, but i have to meet up with my friends in 4 minutes, but you can tag along if you want to?" i suggested.

She shook her head and her big hair moved violently from side to side, "no its fine, we can just do it another day" 

i nodded ok, and we left the bathroom together, walking down the crowded school halls. I felt people staring, and i knew it was because it's what they had been waiting for. this was their proof, that i was in contact with the 1D family. I wasnt liking the attention, though i had a bad feeling it would be getting worse in the near future.

We smalltalked about school and dancing until i saw my friends, and i said goodbye to meet up with them. "i'll text you!" she yelled and after me and i threw her a thumbs up seen i wasnt standing next to her anymore and the crowded halls, would make it impossible for her to hear me, even if i screamed. 

 

"What was that about?" amanda asked as sson as i joined her and mitch by our lockers. "nothing, it nothing." even though i knew she wanted to ask more, she seemed to let it go, which was very unusual of her. "so where are we off to?" i asked to change the subject.

"well, i was thinking that we could go shopping since we dont have any more classes today, and get some lunch as well, but since mitch is tagging along i dont think that will be a good idea."

 ______________

We ended up going shopping like amanda had suggested even though mitch had been complaining about not wanting to the whole ride with the tube, and even after that as well.

we were sitting in a cafe, late in the afternoon, after our shopping spree, which seemed to have made mitch quite cranky and tired. I was tired as well though, but amanda wanted a whole new wardrobe, which was much to my dismay as well when we'd been shopping non stop for 4 hours.

"im never going shopping again with you" mitch groaned, throwing his feet onto the chair next to him, earning a couple of dirty glances from waiters while doing so.

"why did you even need that much clothes?" he asked her, and they started arguing about something. I wasnt really listening, i was on my phone checking twitter and playing temple run. 

a notifaction popped up on my screen. it was a text message, and since it was a number i didnt know i was expecting it to be danielle who wanted to make luch plans, but it wasnt, much to my surprise.

 

Hey :) it's Harry x

Wow, ok i hadn't expected him to text me that fast. i only gave danielle my number today. I smiled at his cute text. Even though it was as simple and normal as it could get, i still found myself smiling and typing back a reply, wanting to mess with his head a little bit.

 

Harry? i dont know any harry.

 

I smiled before hitting send. he would probably think he got the wrong number. 

seconds later my phone vibrated, indicating he'd texted me back already, and just as i thought he was oblivious to my joke.

 

Oh im sorry then, i must have gotten the wrong number :)

 

I chuckled and send him another text, just to let him know he had the right number, before he decided to block me.

 

Im just kidding, its Chloe here. I see danielle gave you my number.. :) x

"who are you texting?" shocked i quickly stuffed my phone back in my pocket and lokked up to see both mitch and amanda looking at me with a weird face. "yeah, you were smiling and laughing to yourself."

"no one in particular, i was just checking twitter and i saw something funny." iwas bad at lying and they knew it. 

"i dont believe you" mitch said and narrowed his eyes at me. "Im speaking the truth!". No i wasnt, but still, i didnt want them to know i was texting harry, after i'd said nothing would ever happen between the two of us.

"whatever" he rolled his eyes, and we paid for our drinks and left the cafe, to head back home. Amanda lived alone, just like i did, but mitch was staying with his dad. He was looking for an apartment though, saying he was tired of not having some place of his own.

 

  __________________

 

Later that night, when i was watching tv, my phone vibrated in purse, i had not touched since mitch and amanda caught me texting harry - or almost did.

I quickly got it, to see two new texts - one from mom and an old one from.

 

Oh, i was scared for a second there! x

I smiled and typed back a response

I bet you were Styles, i could almost hear you peeing your pants x

I hit send and checked the text from my mom who only wanted to hear i was was, and typed back a response. I decided to go to bed being the mess i was because of amanda and her shopping sprees.

 

today had no doubt been an eventful day, and i liked it. What worried me was that i could feel the 1D family was slowly taking over the space in my brain that was usually full of school, and i was not sure if it was good or bad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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