Near to you - Song Competition please read!!!

This is my entry for the write a story from lyrics competition. Please like, favourite and comment!! Much appreciated :D


2. The letter.

June 7th 1998


Hello Sweetheart,

Happy Birthday my darling. It will be your 16th when you get this. Its your 1st today. I just know you will be as outstandingly beautiful as you are now. I want you to know that I love you so much. I have probably never told you about your father have I? I expect you have asked before and I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything apart from the fact that his name was Alex Carleton and he died when you were little because I vowed that's all I would say. But now I will say everything I can give you. By then end of it you may hate me or you may not. It is only a choice you can make Sophia but I won't be disappointed whatever you may choose. What I did was something I've hidden for a reason and maybe this will make things so much clearer.

He and I had something beautiful; I could of believed that it was fate. For a while every moment was more romantic then the next. A day without him was unbearable. But that time ended. It became so dysfunctional and I knew it could never last. Everything was wrong about it. He suddenly never wanted to be around me. I didn't understand but I thought if I let him go it would be the best thing I could do. The day I planned what I was going to say your dad was in a terrible car accident which left him in a coma. A hit and run. I still haven't found who it was and perhaps i never will. However, I learnt many things that day. For instance, I knew he was on the way to his other lovers house. I never got to know her name. She ran as soon as there was any responsibility. I can truly say I hated your father then. I loved him and he had cheated on me with someone else. I despised him but a part of me still could not help but feel the way I always had. I stayed by his side for days and 8 days into his coma I found out that I was pregnant with you. I knew it was his and as I stood by his bed I did the thing I have regretted for the rest of my life. The doctors had said that it was possible he would never wake so had shown me the switch where I could switch him off if at any point I felt it was the right thing to do. At that point it was. I looked down and all I could see was this lying, cheating and cruel man who had thrown away our love as if it was nothing more than rubbish. To think that you could grow up knowing this man was your father broke my heart so I killed him. I flicked the switch and watched as his chest gradually grew still. That was it. Your father was gone. I loved him so but I let him go because I knew he would never love me back.

The guilt has never left me but at that moment it crushed me every second of the day. I didn't think I could live through it. I thought such pain as this shouldn't have been experienced. Even now i is your 1st birthday,  I'm still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious. I kept going though, for one sole purpose. You. And 9 months later you were here with me. And I discovered the most important thing in my whole life. Near to you, I was healing. But it was taking so long because though he was gone and you were so wonderful it is hard to move on. Yet, I was better near to you.

This wasn't the love I had felt with your father. You and I have something different and I'm enjoying it cautiously. I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard to get to who I used to be. Being your mother and having you in my arms was unbelievable. And after a while he was disappearing, fading subtly. I knew you would grow up with a loving mother, I was so close to being yours. I thought I would lose myself and then lose you. But as time grew I asked the question won't you stay with me please because I truly felt like you could see through me. See what I had done.

Do you know I used to sing to you my sorrowful words when you slept. I used to beg for your forgiveness.

Near to you, I am healing,

But its taking so long,

'Cause though he's gone,

And you are wonderful,

Its hard to move on,

Yet, I'm better near to you.

And on you slept so unaware of the monster singing you to your slumber. And I hope you will see me as your mother and not a monster after this. At this moment there are not many things that are certain to me. But there are a few. I only know that I am better where you are. I only know that I belong where you are. 

I love you, my darling Sophia.

Your Mum.




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