Charlotte Rose

Charlotte Rose Tomlinson grew up the normal life. If the normal life includes having a full passport by the age of four and going on tour with your superstar father. Sadly her mothers and fathers relationship came to an end and ended up with her mother getting into a serious car accident which meant that Charlotte had to live with her aunt in London and help take care of her sick mother.

Eventually, Charlotte wants to live her own life and do things her own way. She becomes romantically involved with the schools bad boy and her whole life is thrown for a loop. Will her life ever be the same?

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9. Goodbye

--[Charlotte's P.O.V]--

 

In my whole life I've woken up everyday waiting for something to make me want to live and nothing. Nothing has made me want to get up and go to school, I've never cared to see anyone...ever. For me it's just been the same thing everyday. Wake up. Go to school. Come home. Do my homework. Eat Dinner. Sleep, and the cycle would just keep repeating. I feel bad that I did that to Jake, I didn't mean to be so forceful on him, and if I tried to tell him, that all I wanted to do was to feel something if anything, he'd look at me like I'm crazy.

 

I smoked weed for the first time in my life yesterday and nothing. I wasn't taken on a trip to another worl like some people describe it. I was still myself. I didn't feel anything. I had my first kiss ever yesterday with some man who could be my father and that doesn't scare me. It doesn't make me feel like a slut, or disgusting. I kissed him and then that was it. No fireworks, my heart wasn't racing. We kissed or made out or whatever and then that was it.

 

I got suspended for the first time, I was waiting to feel relieved since I got to tell that stupid bitch off, but again I felt nothing.

 

 

What is wrong with me? It's as though I was born in a bubble and nothing affects me unless it's really drastic and I just want someone to pop my buble. Someone who is not afraid to make me feel like the world is going to end when they don't look at me with desire in their eyes like the way I want them to. I want my life to feel like a movie that I've never seen before so I'm kept at the edge of my seat. I want to feel complete without having to have someone else like my mom.

 

I like to look at myself as a zombie. I'm alive but I might as well be dead. I'd might as well be like my mum, in my own happy little world. She'd die to be me right now so why am I wasting time. You only have one chance to live and all's I'm doing is wasting it. I crawl out of Jake's bed. I want to find him and apologize for everything and leave once again only this time I wouldn't come back and sneak inside his window. I almost walk down the stairs wearing nothing but a bra and underwear and then I remember that I'm not in my house and even if I was I wouldn't do it.  I walk back into Jake's room and go through his drawers to find a shirt. As I scratch through clothes I find a shirt and then I feel something hard at the bottom of his drawer. I move the clothes away the cover it and then I'm holding a picture frame in my hand. I the boy in the picture looks like an older version of Jake only with higher cheek bones. The boy in the photo is laughing while holding a cigarette with his fingers. Inscribed on the bottom it reads 'In loving memory is Nicholas.' I wipe the picture with my thumb. His brother, I never Jake even had a brother. I flip the picture frame over and there's another picture. This one of the both of them. They're both smiling or maybe laughing either or. Jake looks younger then he is now, but spliff dangles from his mouth so he couldn't be that young and his brothers arm is on his shoulders. I take the photo off the back of the frame and then I see lined paper folded into a square. I unfold it and read it.

 

Jake,

 

I love you but I can't take life anymore. See you

 

and then his brother signed off.

 

His brother killed himself. I shoved the picture back into the drawer and slam  it shut. I pull on a a shirt and I lay back in Jake's bed. I look at the other side of his room and I look at the other bed. I notice the picture of his brother on the night stand. I lay there  listenening to Mrs. Jabobs talk to Jake.

 

"Mum can I just stay home today, Charlotte needs my company," he says with a pleading tone of voice.

 

"What's wrong, why is she even here anyway?" Mrs. Jacobs asks.

 

"I don't know that's what I'm trying to find out," Jake says honestly. "So can I stay home?" he asks.

 

"Sure, just try not to get her pregnant." Mrs. Jacobs says. That makes me laugh a little bit. I rest my head down on the pillow and I try to fall back asleep. I think I'm going to tell Jake that I'm leaving when I wake up. I close my eyes, making me blind to a world that is unknown to me. I listen as I hear his bedroom door creek open. I know it's Jake when I feel the bed sink in beside me. I feel his arms wrap around me and squeeze me tight. I feel his hot breath on my neck.  Suddenly I feel his warm mouth on my soft cold skin. Then he gets up and leaves. When I hear the door close behind me I canapolt myself out of his bed. I slip my pants on and I gather my other shirts and I slip out of window. I run down the road through different neighborhoods until I'm standing on my front porch. I turn the handle and open the door and Camile is standing in the arch way into the living room siping coffee. Her eyes catch me and hold me tight like a mother who found her missing child. I run up to her and wrap my arms around her. She only wraps one arm around though, her hand gripping her mug.

 

"I missed you baby." she says tears streaking her face.

 

"I missed you too Aunt Camile." I say. She squeezes me tight and lets me go and takes a good look at me.

 

"Where were you?" she asks. "I didn't want you to leave. I was hoping that you'd come  back home later. I'm really sorry." she says.

 

"No I'm sorry. I should've never said those horrible things about my mum." I say. Aunt Camile wipes my face clear of my tears.

 

"I understand...it's hard having your mum being a zombie." Camile says. I nod my head and I lay my head on her shoulder and cry into it.

 

"Go lay down it's early." Camile says pushing me in the direction of the stairs. I trudge up the stairs to my room and I open the door. My window is open and the cold air blows through. I flip my covers on my bed so it shows my blue sheets. I lay in them, absorbed by the warmth of my comforter, I lavish in the heat. I try to close my eyes and go back to sleep but my mind refuses to shut down.


I lay in my bed and look up at the ceiling for an hour and suddenly someone opens my door. I look and see my Aunt Camile. She carries a breakfast tray, and I'm engulfed in childhood memories of when I was a child and Camile would baby me.

 

"Here honey," she says placing the tray on my bed. She sits down on my bed and strokes my hair. "What were you up to when you weren't home?" she asks.

 

I look at her innocently, "Trying to feel." I say. She places her hand on my cheek .

 

"What do you mean?" she asks.

 

"I'm so numb to everything Aunt Camile," I say as I feel tears streak my face. "When I was gone I was trying to feel." I say. She smiles sweetly.

 

"And how did you go about that?"

 

"Well I almost had sex last night." I tell her leaving out the part about Harry and giving her full detail about how I got into the fight with Daisy.

 

"Sounds like you had a hell of a night." she says. "I'm happy you didn't do it." she says.

 

"Why?" I asked.

 

"Because, Charlotte; you're never going to feel anything unless the feelings are real. No forced feelings are real feelings. Having sex...more importantly loosing your virginity is supposed to be special. Don't do it until you know you love them..." I nod my head.

 

"I'm afraid to love Aunt Camile," I say. She wipes my face.

 

"Why hon, you've never been loved by a boy before?" she says.

 

"Exactly, I'm afraid I'll end up like mum." I say. She holds my face in her hands. She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. She kisses me on my four head and leaves the room. I guess she means I have every reason to be scared, thanks Aunt Camile. I lay back on my bed. I watch my alarm clock as it changes by the minuet. I start counting each second for every minuet that passes by. About an hour later my Aunt Camile comes in.

 

"I'm going to go to work for a couple of hours." She says. I nod my head and she closes my bedroom door, locking me inside my own insanity again. I sit up in my bed, throw my covers off of my body. I'm wearing an old t-shirt and underwear. I place my hands on my face and feel something that feels so new to me even though I've had the same face for seventeen years. I start with my four head, a place where family members and as of last night a boy who I think I like; kiss me. Then my fingertips travel to my temples, a spot where I'd rub my fingers trying to calm myself down and make sense of everything that happens. My cheeks were people who are angry with me or confused, grab me by. My lips, where secrets lie. The people I've kissed, the people I wanted to kiss, and the sinful things that my mouth wanted to do. Kissing wasn't good enough anymore.

 

My hands travel down to my neck where if kissed, my body erupts with desire and need from a place and a feeling that is all so new to me. My breast where, for the first time in my life, they weren't just an annoying part of my body that bounced too much in gym class. After yesterday my breast were the focal point of a boys eyes. He wanted to please me by touching them and licking them and kissing them, and reminding me that they weren't just breasts they were there to please others. The side of my torso where for so long they were just curves that God placed me with after I hit thirteen, for so long I wondered why boys would turn their heads when I walked down the halls and now I know why. My curves, they weren't for me to be happy with but for everyone else. My hips, they were just there. They were a place where I wanted to be held. I've seen boys hold their girlfriends by their hips many times and I wanted to feel that way. And then the part of my where I want to feel something. Pleasure, pain, both mixed into one undescrobable feeling that I'll never win back.

 

I stand up and walk over to my full length mirror. I look at myself, I look like a hooker. My eyes blackened by eyeliner that wasn't washed the day before and my red lipstick was smeared on my face making me kinda look like a sad clown. Jake's black t-shirt was long and loose on me, and my pleaded skirt was wrinkle since it wasn't ironed. I did a 360 in the mirror looking at my body hidden by clothes. Since I wasn't getting a good view I shed my clothes leaving them in a heap next to me. My collar bones were rigid on my white ivory skin. The poked out like needles against a balloon. I turned and did another 360 spin, seeing myself naked this time and unlike other girls; pleased with what I see. I hear the front door open down stairs. Maybe it's Harry, I thought, and I put on my  robe and rushed down stairs. I see his shillohette in the door frame. My mum doesn't notice him mostly because she's was asleep. I look at him as I held my robe closed over my cold naked body.

 

"Hello," I say breathlessly. He does his usuall routine when he comes over. He takes his old leather trench coat off and makes his way into the kitchen so he can hang it up on the back of a chair.

 

"Still suspended huh?" he asks. I nod my head shamful of my behavior. He makes a crooked smile.

 

"You've changed since the last time I seen you, Charlotte." He says taking a seat at the table. I try not to blush...He actually noticed a differenced.

 

"You want breakfast sir?" I ask him making my way to the fridge. I open it taking the orange juice out.

 

"No thanks," He says reading the newspaper that was on the table the Uncle John had left there before he went to work.  I poured myself a glass of orange juuice and chugged it down alll the while staring at Harry. Watching his eyes move with the words on the news paper. He looks at me catching me looking at him.

 

"Why are you looking at me, Charlotte?" He asks looking at me.

 

"Oh...I...I wasn't." I say fumbling for words to say.

 

"Yes you were," he says challenging me. He stands up and pushes his chair in and makes his way over to me.

 

"I really wasn't though..." I say  being so close to him makes me feel weak. He stares deeply into my eyes, the usuall hunger still lingering in them like coals to a fire. He still wanted something, something that he thought he could get from me and probably could if he played his cards right. My body shattered with his rose petal lips me my neck. I let out a raspy moan. He slipped his hands up my shirt and pulled me in closer to him. When his lips traveled to my lips my mouth remained sealed shut.

 

"Don't you want this?" he asked looking at me.

 

"I-I- I don't know, I can't help but feeling like I do but there's just this little voice in my head that's telling me no." I say. He pushes me up against the wall his tongue intruding my mouth like a robber who tries to steal things from a home. I try pushing him off of me but he was too strong. I hear the front door open and I try to scream but it's useless because it's muted by Harry's mouth. He unties my robe and it falls to the floor and my naked body is pushed up against his.

 

"What the..." Is all I hear before Harry is pulled off of me. I watch in horror as my Uncle John beats Harry up on the floor. I let my body slide down the wall as I hold my knees to my face as to hide myself as I watch Harry get slaughtered.

 

"That's your daughter Harry! How could you do that to your child!" He screams. Harry's face is bloody and he can't respond. He pulls Harry up by his shirt and pushes him up against the wall. "You go MIA out of your daughters life and then you try to come back into it by raping her?" Uncle John punches him in the face on last time before he drops him from midair. Uncle John walks over to me and covers me with my robe.

 

"Did he hurt you?" He asks. I shake my head no.

 

"He only kissed me." I said. He walked me upstairs and sat me down on his bed.

 

"When did he get here?" He asks.

 

"Only 15 minuets before you got here. I don't know why he tried doing that to me John. I mean. I offered him breakfast, then he accused me of staring at him and then he started kissing me and then-"

 

"Shh" My Uncle John said soothingly into my ear. "No need to worry, his sorry ass will be in jail. I'm calling the police."

 

"No please you can't do that." I plead. "You can't do that."

 

"Do you understand what just happened out there Charlotte? Your father tried to rape you! Do you get that? He should be in prision for the rest of his life for trying to take advantage of you like that."

 

"I wanted it!" I lie. "I wanted to kiss him...he just took it a little to far.." I say. Uncle John places his hands on my shoulders and shakes me.

 

"What is wrong with you Charlotte, that's your father!"

 

"I didn't know that. No one told me that! As far as I'm concerned I'm Louis' daughter. When I asked Aunt Camile she hushed me. I never knew until now. Don't call the police, it's my fault, let me finish this." I say walking out of the room. I walk down stairs to see Harry wiping blood off of his face in the mirror in the hall way with a rag. I clear my throat to catch his attention.

 

"You, are the scum of the earth. I can't believe you'd do that to me and not tell me that you're my biological father. You are disgusting, and you'e lucky I didn'y have John kill you now or call the police to ruin your precious reputation. Get the fuck out, I never want to see you again, and if I find out you're in my house I'll have you killed you hear me?!" I yell tears streaking down my face.

 

"I'm so-"

 

"Fuck you! Do you know how messed up I feel? You're only sorry cause I found out...No get the fuck out of here." I say pointing to the door. He left without another word.

 

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