The Best of Movellas

A collection of reviews on some of Movellas' greatest stories, poems and other work. As well as reviewing your work this is a great way to get all those 'undiscovered gems' discovered and shown to a wider audience! If you want us to do a review on your work please leave a comment on the bottom saying so. But if you do, you have to be open to criticism but we promise that the criticism will not attack you personally.
THIS IS FOR UNDISCOVERED GEMS, so your story will need to be within the boundaries we have set. (Sorry guys if yours isn't, but we're trying to help out people whom's stories need recognising because they haven't yet) So...
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11. When You Die - WritingForTheShire234

When You Die

By: WritingForTheShire234

Category: Other

 

Published: 17 June 2013

(As of 26/06/13)

Likes: 14

Favourites: 16

Views: 192

Rating: G

Status: Ongoing

Blurb: "When you die, you go to either Heaven or Hell. It is our job to judge you." Executed for accidental murder, Jenny finds out that there is more to the afterlife than decaying in a wooden box. But, stained with the blood of her 'murder', she is forced to become a demon of hell, known to humans as 'vampires'. Now she has two choices, to let the darkness into her heart, or to fight it.

Review: 

The prologue is excellent in the way that it conveys a sense of confusion in the reader, we want to know what’s going on, we want to know why this girl is being sentenced to death. Furthermore, the girl’s screaming and thrashing makes us wonder if she’s innocent, if she’s a liar, or if she’s just plain crazy. This introduction definitely hints to the reader that they are in store for a thrilling read.

                The descriptions in this piece are very good, and the imagery, really helps the reader to imagine what’s happening, and picture the ghostly entities. Not only this, but I think that Wrintingfortheshire has done an extremely good job of conveying the fear of death that I don’t think we see quite enough in literature, especially on this site. Most of the time the person is too ‘brave’ to fear death, or, if there is a life after death, they plod on like everything is normal. Not here though, our girl is scared out of her wits, and it shows.

                Also, the way that the girl mostly questions herself, instead of everything around her, is interesting. She questions whether she is dreaming, and there are suggestions of her questioning whether she will go to Heaven and Hell, but we’re not loaded with rhetoricals wondering what each and every part of this new life is, which is very good.

                Once again (I’m writing this as I read, so this is in chronological order) we see how Writingfortheshire portrays emotion in a way I’ve rarely seen, after the girl’s life is flashed before her eyes she is overcome with such emotion that it seems to envelope the reader, a very poignant and effective moment.

                Writingfortheshires use of sentence structure is also brilliant, and aids in enticing the reader further into the story, especially when she gets into hell which is when it gets the most effective.

                To Improve:

                I think that the thing most in need of improvement is the length of the chapters, judging by the number of them and the estimated time taken to read, it takes less than a minute to read each one. Through personal preference, I believe that a single chapter should take around ten minutes to read, if it’s a part of a novel, but, being completely unbiased, any chapter should take more than a minute. Of course, the chapters end brilliantly, with the reader at the edge of their seat, but I think that the length stifles these brilliant endings a little, because you haven’t been waiting for it long enough.

                Also, I think a wider range of vocabulary is needed for what is currently the second half of the story, as some words/phrases are repeated, and some could simply use better wording. Oh, and I think her moment –almost- pity for the devil is a little strange in the context, it’s not the kind of thing she’d really notice in her situation.

                Lastly, it needs to be remembered that all the senses should be mentioned, I say this because I think that Writingfortheshire is a good enough writer to be able to improve by incorporating more smell, touch, taste etc, rather than just sights and sounds.

Well, that’s all for no, folks! Now go and read this story! It’s only a nine minute read and really quite good :)

 

Reader Comments:

roxy - This is really good :) I like the theme, and also how you wrote it. The one thing that i think could be better, is commas, so that the story is easier to read. Apart from that, i think that this is an absolutely incredible story, and everything is described really well :D

 

Fantasy Dream - Wow....what can i say. you have a very true and passionate understanding of heaven and hell, but yet you are alive! Suspense is lurking at the end of every chapter and i really love the cliffhangers. I will most definitely be keeping up with this movella and i am immediately liking this but also favouriting because it is that good!

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