The Best of Movellas

A collection of reviews on some of Movellas' greatest stories, poems and other work. As well as reviewing your work this is a great way to get all those 'undiscovered gems' discovered and shown to a wider audience! If you want us to do a review on your work please leave a comment on the bottom saying so. But if you do, you have to be open to criticism but we promise that the criticism will not attack you personally.
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13. What They Know -TheTravellingLemon

What They Know

By TheTravellingLemon 

Category: Mystery & Suspense 

Link: http://www.movellas.com/story/201402150043529150-what-they-know


Published: 15th February 2014

(All numbers below given on the 27th September 2014)

Likes: 18

Favs: 20

Views: 515

Rating: G

*CURRENTLY ON-GOING STILL (5 chapters so far -15th February 2014)

 Blurb: 

 'Imagine what someone could if they could read your mind. They wouldn't need to hack computers to infiltrate organisations to get information. They'd just have to walk past someone important in the street and they'd know. That's why mind readers all over England are hunted don and given a choice. Join the agency that finds and recruits people like you, or spend your life running from death. Unwilling to join the agency, new mind reader sixteen year old Amber finds herself thrust into a underworld of mind readers all on the run, all trying to fight the agency; but as Amber gets deeper and deeper into this world, she begins to wonder if the agency are right after all.'

Review: 

TheTravellingLemon has created an epic thriller that emits so much suspense that you won't be able to stop all the questions buzzing around in your head pleading to be answered. I'm going to be keeping a close eye on this movella for any updates in the future and so should you!

The concept of this story -mind readers being hunted down and captured for the agency or as you will find out if you read it (SPOILER: another unknown underworld group) is pretty darn scary. Any lovers of the supernatural should snap up this story, its a gud'un. :) 

From a third person format this story focuses on the movements of several key characters whom are unnamed at first, but their identities are slowly revealed over the course of the story. A series of scenes are issued that come together to give the foundation to the story -stabilising it. Kind of like a prologue but instead of taking on the typical prologue structure -cleverly engrained into the storyline. 

TheTravellingLemon introduces her chapters with a pretty fabulous description which you MUST check out. A MUST. The first description on the first chapter is very eery and desolate, a perfect match to the eery and scary attitude of the chief character on that chapter. I like the names of the chapters: 'Pearls Before Swine', 'Rosé for two', 'I shall need a volunteer', 'Façade', 'The Second Inspector' -they cleverly sum up the content of the chapters without revealing too much. 

Chapter 1 uncovers the possibility of baddies using their psychic powers for their own benefit -blackmail being one example. The character's names are not mentioned, mystery maintained, and the victim's name is left too unknown until last minute -Mrs Copland. My mind buzzes with questions throughout this scene: What has she got to hide? Why hasn't he got any money? Who is he? Is he going to be a key character later on? The author keep the reader guessing and that makes them read on. (In chapter 4, SPOLIER, I am keen to know who and why that waiter is following the men -PLEASE TELL ME! ) 

However even though I am a fan, I've found a few issues with this story -as you'll find with most stories. I think TheTravellingLemon is a little liberal with her usage of commas and semi colons. Its always hard as a writer to choose where to stick in commas and when's the right to to issue a semi-colon. I don't know about you, but I always find semi-colons the BANE of my life. How do you use them huh? What I've found is that you have to use them to stick two separate statements together (two independent clauses that are related to one another) -its use is a bit like glue or blue tack I guess. :)

(Sorry for the grammar lesson everyone) 

Anyways, an example of a sentence in this story I think could be phrased a little bit better is perhaps this...

'She pauses for a moment confused; and he holds out an expectant hand...'

I think the 'and' is already giving the break that this sentence needs and I believe even though the clauses are separate they are not necessarily related. 

'...so they glint in the weak sun for a moment, then they fall; and he lets them drop down into a dirty puddle...' -these aren't independent clauses I don't think.

(Chapter 4) 'As he knows full well, the new girl won't know what that is; but the more flustered she gets the easier she will be to bypass'  -I don't think the semi-colon is needed -you've got your 'but' to give you your break. They aren't separate clauses again as well I think.

I think many of us find ourselves committing this crime from time to time :) Me? I LOVE my dashes -------------------

Ooooh but getting back to the more positive stuff -I think the graphic imagery at the end of this chapter is fab. 'Seeping blood' ?? Gives me the shivers..... Perhaps its a sign of what's to come? 

The main protagonist doesn't even enter the plot until chapter 4 and then only briefly which is a really interesting way of keeping the readers engaged, her character -all her individual traits, personality is yet unvisited, the only thing we know is she has red hair and she is (SPOILER) the cheat. 

The conflict between the characters is engaging and the plot line is a winner. So get READING! Inspire this writer to continue! Like many of you out there TheTravellingLemon only wants to progress and make a name for herself. 

I recommend this to pretty much anyone -though perhaps its a bit more suited to 13 year old and older thanks to the conflict and vocab use. Ha. I think both boys and gurlies will like this, its got action and emotion. 

READ I DEMAND ALL!

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Comments made by her fans:

" In terms of writing, the description is vivid and it builds a clear image for the reader. You point out the grubbiness of certain places and compare them to the far more classy characters. Creates a stark contrast. 
Though, the setting might be an issue. Where is the story set? London? Being a Londoner, I can say for sure that no-one would question rich people meeting up in Graffiti-Art City, because pretty much everyone keeps to themselves. But other places are much more friendly and positively intrusive - America, in general, is quite a sociable country (or maybe that's just my stereotypical view? Sorry, after watching so many American cartoons, I can't help but feel sad about never receiving a home-baked pie from a new neighbourxD). But I'm getting off-point - if you set the story in a sociable city/country, fictional by-standers might be inclined to question.
Your writing-style flows well, and you've chosen to write in the present-tense and have successfully kept to it. "

- Aunt Midnight Rogue 

This is brilliant, absolutely gorgeous. I've not seen something as intriguing and interesting as this in a long time. Your use of description and imagery paints a perfect picture in my head of the situation, so much so that I feel like I'm in it. This is done by your beautiful range of adjectives and adverbs, as well as the figurative language and other techniques which are all effectively used.
I could find nothing you need to improve in, except that the 'you're' in 'you're shoes' is supposed to be 'your'. Other than that, this is an incredible piece with a lot of potential. The prologue is painfully intriguing and the plot is well thought out. I'm definitely looking forward to more. "

- Ahlaam Nightshade

 

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Review by: ToryB

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HULLO FELLOW MOVELLALIENS! Ha ha, movell-a-liens! Get it?! Ha ha, slowly declining in sanity... 

If you want your movella reviewing too, so it too can get noticed, just say so on the comments. I'll try my best to do another in the next couple of weeks. 

Have fun writing everyone! I hope I've inspired you to take a look at other people's work -it can be really useful and help you discover all sorts of new styles and takes on things. You may even discover the next infamous J.K Rowling! 

Good luck!

 

 

 

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