A grey eyed Girl and Her Guardian Angel


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1. Tears, Cuts, Stories and Lies

There once was a grey eyed girl who I could never truly understand, she told me everything but I could never really get her no matter how much I ever wanted to. She poured her life’s story onto my lap as I learned every delicate detail and tried to piece together the lies and the truth she told. She would cry on my shoulder and let me into her life, that grey eyed girl meant something to me, something I really just couldn't understand. I protected her, I was her guardian angel, her brother, but somewhere underneath I felt something more; something that welled up and screamed and clawed at me. There once was a grey eyed girl, hiding her tears behind a mask of makeup and smiles, hiding her struggles and illness behind the costume of a carefree child. She claimed to be an actress, playing a role in a pathetic show, every day attending to the desires of the human emotion, the very thing that I feared and she took advantage of. There once was a grey eyed girl covered in scars, each one never the same they were deeper in some places and each told a story, two belonged to me; a guardian angel who got too close, two lovely incisions that would never leave her pale skin. There once was a grey eyed girl that I fought for, a grey eyed girl that I saved from herself as many times as I could, but the actress was unreachable; an entity that no matter how hard I tried I could not touch, something that I don’t think I could fathom. There once was a grey eyed girl wearing a costume that she never took off, I claimed to know the person underneath but I was wrong. There once was a guardian angel who tried so hard to be invincible for her, but no matter what he did he fell down to the ground, to earth, losing every divine and celestial element that made him what he was, but he made sure she never saw. There once was a grey eyed girl that the angel watched with weary, tear-filled eyes, but he was vigilant; making sure she was safe. There once was a guardian angel that had a secret, a secret that he’d kept even from himself as he watched over her, but he could keep it hidden no longer. There once was a brother who was not actually her brother, just the angel, just me playing along in her little production, a willing servant to the performance. There once was a grey eyed girl who edged back and forth to the brother, slowly pondering why he began to fall, why he became so attached and stayed upon the ground. There once was myself, denying every aching moment that I felt it, the vicious emotion that hemorrhages and destroys, the subject of poets and songwriters and romantics alike, the emotion unnatural to him; the emotion he never wanted to feel, the emotion of true affection, desire and obsession and lust, the emotion of love. There once was a grey eyed girl who renounced him, who cast him away and then cut herself open one more time as a message for him to keep away. Now there is myself, lying alone under a tree, crying, but the tears refuse to come, trying to renounce my feelings. There is myself a hair’s breadth away from death, but holding back because of the question ‘what if?’ Now there is a grey eyed girl who he never knew if she actually cared those moments they kissed, those moments they shared or the stories they told, there is a grey eyed girl who glances away every time I’m near because she knows that she’s hurt me. There is a grey eyed girl who doesn't understand that the silence hurts more than biting words to the angel, the brother, and myself. The grey eyed girl could never see that her silence is like a sword stabbing through the flesh of her friend, the girl can’t reason that the feelings the brother has will never go away, no matter what he says or does. And so sits the angel, fallen as he is, ready to hurt himself because of what he did to her, because I made a mistake, because there is no longer a ‘what if’ only a ‘why’. 

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