Day 23

Skye has been falling for a long time, but she's fed up of it. She knows it's going to be hard, but she's determined to pull her life back from the brink.
But when Chris gets involved, well, things start going differently to how she planned.
"Why aren't you fighting back goddammit?"
"Because you, Skye Monroe, know nothing about me, about why."

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6. Day Five

Day five:

Oh my god. I never imagined this would be so hard. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think I can hang on any longer. Everything is building up and up inside of me and I can’t let it out. I just have all these thoughts, and nothing to do with them. Even though I’ve stopped, the thoughts haven’t gone away. There still here, chasing each other around my head, swallowing all the good things I think about, like Rhys being kind to me yesterday morning, and Chris being indignant on my behalf in biology. It’s like survival of the fittest up there, and the meanest, nastiest thoughts bully their way to the top of my conscious thought bracket. I want to give up. I want to give up right now. This is horrific. Everything is running into each other and there are too many crazy things going on in my mind for me to concentrate on anything. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be a normal person like everyone else? Why do I have to be such a freak? I want to slam me head repeatedly against a wall until it all stops, until I stop, but it’s not enough. It’s never enough. The two halves of me are fighting and fighting and they won’t shut up. And because they’re both me, they’re equally as stubborn as each other. One half of me wants to give up this crazy scheme. It wants to give in to the yearning in my body. The other half won’t let it. That half says I’d be weak if I gave in. That it’d be no better than it was before, than it is now. It’s telling me that this is just the way life is and I need to get over it, get used to it and deal with it like everyone else. That part of myself keeps telling me to get it together and act like a normal person, not the freak I am. Because I am a freak, aren’t I? Why else would I be wanting to do this. I’m a total freak of nature, totally self-destructive, which is not normal. I’m not normal. I should just go away and never come back, save everybody all the hassle of having to deal with me, the freak no one wants. The bully. The needy friend. God, I’m such a horrible horrible person for inflicting myself on all these people. They deserve more than to have to look after me, try to make sure I don’t do something ‘stupid’. What is stupid? Would dying be stupid if it was what everyone wanted, if it would put us all out of our misery? I would no longer be forced to live a life I hate and don’t want to live, and my parents wouldn’t have to deal with the daughter that is such a disappointment. Jade would be free of her bully, and year eleven would be safe again. And Chris… well, Chris barely knows me, so he could hardly be sad if I died. Who am I kidding, no one would be sad if I died. Pansy would be free of her moody, annoying little sister, and Rhys wouldn’t have me yelling at him all the time. I really cannot think of a single person who would be happier with me alive. I should do it. I should just die. But god, I know I won’t. I don’t know why, because I want to, and everyone else wants me to, even if they don’t know it yet. I just know that I won’t do it yet. Maybe there’s a small bit of me, absolutely tiny, that wants to give the world, life, one more chance. See if I can get to know Chris, he seems decent. See if my year finds something new to gossip about. Maybe then life will be worth living. But not now. Right now I hate every second I have to be alive. And I hate myself. For some reason today, I am remembering every bad thing I’ve done, every embarrassing moment. Everything that made me want to slam my head against something hard. My stomach keeps twisting uncomfortably and I WANT TO FREAKING DIE! iwanttofreakingdieowanttofreakingdieiwanttofreakingdie! Please, if there is a God, if you have any power, or mercy, please please please let me die. I can’t take this anymore. I just can’t. I’m so tired of everything. The effort it takes just to open my mouth and say something is almost too much, let alone the effort of pretending I’m fine. I just want to lie down and sleep forever. I just want to die. Please. Is that too much to ask? End my life, or I’ll be forced to undermine whatever stupid power is up there, and do it myself. I know I’m going to hell, if such a place exists, so can we just hurry it up a bit? I only want to die.

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