Day 23

Skye has been falling for a long time, but she's fed up of it. She knows it's going to be hard, but she's determined to pull her life back from the brink.
But when Chris gets involved, well, things start going differently to how she planned.
"Why aren't you fighting back goddammit?"
"Because you, Skye Monroe, know nothing about me, about why."


9. Day Eight

Day eight:

I can’t do this anymore, I really can’t. Everything is so much effort and I get nothing out of it. How can other people just drift through life happily, never questioning anything, just seeming to enjoy everyday occurrences, enjoying life? What is there to enjoy about life? It sucks, and not just right now, in my teen years. I know everyone thinks life sucks when they’re a teenager, it’s part of growing up, but there’s nothing for me later in life either. Why do people keep going, keep struggling through life? It’s not as if it gets much better. We work and work to get decent exam results, then we work more to get decent A Level results so we can get into a good university, then we work really hard there so we can get a decent job, then we work really hard there so we can pay the bills and look after our family, then we retire and live on some meagre pension, really miserable in our old age, then we die. Why don’t we just cut the crap in the middle and skip to the dying?

It’s not even as if just being alive is particularly fulfilling or enjoyable. Well, for me anyway. Maybe it’s different for other people. It probably is. You can see how happy they all look, how they laugh at jokes and can get on with something small in their lives without having to pause to muster up the energy and willpower. For me, it’s like there’s a thick grey fog clogging up my brain. It makes everything work slower, and saps at my energy, my motivation. Why bother taking notes in this lesson when we’re all going to die anyway? Why bother revising for this exam when it takes so much energy? Why bother doing anything, when I could just lie on my bed and sleep?

I don’t think my brain works properly. It seems to be trying its best to stop me doing anything, and to be honest, it kind of has a point. That little voice in my head, telling me that I can’t do anything, that everything sucks, that life is pointless, it makes sense. Besides, I already know it tells me the truth, because it also tells me things I already know: everyone hates me and would be better off without me, I’m a rubbish person, I cause nothing but trouble, I’m ruining my life. I know these things are true. Sometimes it tells me things I know are true but don’t want to hear. These things they tell me just so I know how worthless I am, in every respect. I don’t hear voices in my head, let’s just clear that up. It’s the little voice of self-doubt everyone has, but most can push away, because their voice just says maybes. Their voice says ‘maybe you can’t win this competition, what then?’ and a normal person can reply ‘well maybe I can’t, but I definitely won’t if I don’t try, and besides, it’ll be fun’. My voice says ‘you know, you suck at this, like you suck at everything else, and you’ll only make a fool of yourself by entering this competition, so why are you bothering? Besides, it’s not like this actually has a point’. And there’s nothing I can say, because I know it’s true.

I can’t live like this, with all these dark things going on in my head making me hate myself. I can’t. I just want them all to shut up and leave me alone! I want to bang my head against the wall until the noise drowns out the thoughts. I want to knock them right out of my mind. I want to freaking die! Please, please just let me die! I want to… no. No I can’t.  I can’t even think about it because then I’ll want to even more. If I think about it I’ll think about… too late… stop! I can’t do this! I don’t want these thoughts running around in my head! How do you stop your thoughts? They’re inside of me. All these thoughts, all these things, they’re all inside of my mind, they’re part of me, so if I stop me, I stop them. And it’s good for others if I stop me. I need to… I need to stop thinking like this, because I’ll do it without thinking.

I thought about mundane things. School. School sucked. I hate school, and all the people there hate me too. I wish I could just skip, but that would bring down the wrath of school and my family, and I’m already in both their bad books enough. Jade was… Jade. She hates me, and I’m not sure why. I don’t know what made her decide to turn against me like that. We were getting on fine, with the occasional up and down, like most friendships. Maybe ours were more frequent than most people’s, but that was just the way it had always been. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what goes on in Jade’s mind. And I’m not sure I want to.

Thinking about school was only making me cross and more agitated. I couldn’t stay in that house anymore, feeling the awkwardness radiating from downstairs in the wake of the argument the day before. I needed to leave, just for an hour or so. I grabbed my jogging clothes from my drawers, where they had been for some time, as I’m not a particularly active person. I mustered up the energy to go for a run, because exercise releases endorphins, which supposedly make you feel better. I needed to take my mind off my thoughts, and maybe the cool air would focus my brain and pierce through the grey fog like I needed.

I jogged around the neighbourhood, relatively fast at first, but I was overestimating my stamina. I used to be good at long distance running, but then I realised how pointless running around a field in the rain was. I slowed considerably, trying to keep going. A stitch pricked at my side, throbbing with every breath and my trainers rubbed against my sockless feet. I ran without knowing where I was going, hoping that I would find my way back to my house eventually. When I found myself in a street I recognised, I looked around, trying to place it, then I saw Chris’s front door. I stopped outside his house, looking at it, wondering what was going on inside. It’s like looking at a person you know is hiding something, and trying to figure out what’s going on in his head. Like Chris. I wanted to know what was going on with him. He was hiding something, but I didn’t want to pry. I knew that if anyone tried to figure out what was going on in my head, I’d probably hate them for it. it was rare to see a boy crying, they usually pride themselves in hiding their emotions, and ‘being hard’, which I thought was stupid, but still, I wanted to know why Chris had been crying, and I wanted to know what was up with his mum. What was she doing that meant she couldn’t look after her own son and he had to be packed off to live with his aunt?

As I was standing there, the front door opened and his aunt came out with a black sack to put in the bins.

“Oh, hello Skye,” she said pleasantly. “How’re you today?”

“Fine,” I answered automatically. “And you?”

“Wonderful. It’s been a glorious day,” she replied.

“Yes…” I murmured. I hadn’t been paying attention; I’d been busy wallowing in self-pity.

“Anyway,” she said after an awkward pause, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Oh, no,” I assured her. “I was just jogging past and got cramp momentarily, but it’s gone now. Erm… nice seeing you,” I called as I carried on jogging.

I glanced back at the house as I was leaving the street, and looked at how tranquil it seemed. I sighed. I really wanted to know what was going on with Chris and his mum. I knew I was being nosy, but I wanted to know, so I could support him maybe. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to know, I just did. Maybe he was beginning to mean something to me. I don’t know, but it was bothering me, the things he was hiding, which I knew wasn’t fair, considering what I was hiding. I guess I worried about him and wanted to make sure he was okay.

I sighed, and continued jogging, my thoughts occupied by Chris, and not myself, finally. 

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