Diary of Riley

Well uh....this story is about a the day to day ins and outs of a guy named Riley and how he deals with his mental and physical health issues. He lives with his partner Vor whom he loves most in the whole world and has his adopted sister and best friend by his side, together they help Riley to grow and survive life.











My finger tapped against the surface of the glass coffee table, one for each chord that intro'd the next song. When I was feeling like this, music was usually the best remedy but it just wasn’t soaking in today. I felt myself get irritable, I hated being this way. The ache in the hollow of my stomach was becoming unbearable, I looked to the floor to see if I had been transported to some other dimension where all my physical and emotional pain was brought to the surface because of years of burying it, why now. Why now does it cripple me when everything was going just fine.






Keys scraped against the lock when I didn’t bother to open it. I blinked registering who it was, the only other person who had the keys


“.......What are you doing ?....”  My darling’s face had a huge question mark. I grinned, somehow I had ended up on the floor in a kneeling position like I was praying to God.


“Uh...nothing, what are you doing ?” I gave him a mock version of the look he gave me. He scoffed in response, shaking his head. He was carrying two plastic carrier bags, probably in one bag was dinner that he knew I wouldn’t eat and in the other was the back up; energy supplements. Even though he disapproved, he still tried. This made me smile. I dragged myself over to him to give him a kiss and a tight hug. I loved the sound our lips made when we kissed, it was like every part of our body was meant to meet the other, I gripped his hips, skimming his jaw line with the tip of my nose to inhale his scent and down to the curve where his neck met his shoulder. We stayed  that way for a couple of minutes, this simple action said so much between us. As if he read my thoughts, his hand brushed my overgrown bangs out of my face to kiss my cheek “Today.....you are going to eat.” He whispered in my ear, pulling away from me with a mischievous grin, he rustled the bag in the air before turning away from me to serve.

My hands dropped to my sides, feeling like I had been duped. I don’t know how but I felt like I had. “Oh Darling.....You are my cocaine, my love and my bliss but ugh you do...”

“I what ?”

“Nothing, what’s for dinner.”


I suppose I should introduce myself. Riley is the name, sufferer of self induced madness, hysterical outbursts and the welcoming host to many many illnesses and shit. Nice to meet you.


That night was rough, all it took was a phone call from a friend to bring the demon back. Why is it that demons come so easily but are so fucking hard to get rid of ? Like a cold sore, I know it would always be there but did it have to be so freaking persistent. I had slipped out of the bed, careful not to disturb my slumbering prince as he was sensitive to chills. When I was creeping out of the door, I couldn’t help but giggle at his cute snatches at the space I previously occupied.


So, what set of this momentary mentalness ? Well I was talking to a close friend of mine when she mentioned a nickname that I used to be labeled as before I changed....Well before I lost everything which led to me changing. I could still hear my brother’s trembling voice as he braced himself before telling me the tragic news. Everything went blank in my mind as if what I was previously doing had been forgotten [It was writing, ironically] The friend I was writing with at that time was my lover and she got mad at me for not wanting to continue. I just didn’t feel it anymore. So trivial, so so unimportant. That name, that time, that place I never wanted anything to do with it.


All the while I was recalling this moment, I was sitting on the kitchen counter, stuffing left over rotisserie chicken in my mouth and downing a bottle of vodka. It tasted vile but it didn’t matter, I didn’t eat to savour the taste, it would all come up soon anyway. My head swam in an alcoholic haze, I felt like I was having a out of body experience as if I was watching some other person fucking themself up but unfortunately I wasn’t. That little creature that somewhat resembled a human was me....Riley....


I was just about to tear into the flesh of the chicken leg when a roll of nausea sent a cold slimy shiver up my spine, causing me to jump off the counter and flee to the bathroom. Overtime and with practice I had learnt to dispel the contents of my stomach quietly but tonight I couldn’t control the volume. Loud, slushy noises erupted from my throat, I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t breath and my stomach and throat burned as the chunks of undigested food became stomach bile. My hair was pulled from the sides of my mouth and pinned up against the back of my skull, I waved a hand at the familiar saviour, signalling for him to leave. But he stood there silently.

I sat back, looking up at him with a weak smile, he smiled back but it was full of pain. This hurt.


I cleaned myself up while he volunteered to clean the kitchen then we went to bed but this time, he made no attempt to snuggle and I didn’t attempt to invade his personal space either. I knew he was upset but there was nothing I could do to help it. This was a regular thing with us, I just feared....no dreaded the moment when he decided that he didn’t want these late night cleanups to be part of his routine.

My body trembled as I curled into myself, soon something was going to snap. I groped the night stand for the tiny skullcandy earphones and jammed them into my ears, tuned out and still slightly dizzy from the alcohol that had been absorbed into my bloodstream, my eyes fluttered shut and I was off to nightmare  land.



“Riley....the alarm...” He had strategically placed it on my side because I would sleep through a bombing if that kind of thing was possible in Kensington.

My hand slapped against the top of the alarm system, shutting off a very loud, very obnoxious radio show host. As my hand hit the alarm I followed the momentum and rolled off the bed into a crouching position.


“You have a manuscript to finish today ?” Vor was now splayed across the bed and he had kissed me atop my head.

I shook my head, I was parched and I felt like my throat had a razor stuck in it “No, finished that yesterday...” I licked my lips, wincing at the burn. New splits had appeared on my mouth, I could taste the raw little lines.


“Oh...okay then. Good for you, want to go out then ?” His hand slipped from my head to tenderly grasp my chin, forcing me to look at him “Hmm?”

I gave him another nod, taking his hand in mine to press lips against the palm “Thankyou, for yesterday.”


He smiled and leaned in for a kiss but I was already gone, my throat could not hold on any longer. I had decided that bathroom tap water would do for now until I made my morning coffee, the tepid liquid flowed down my dry throat, soothing the rawness of my oesophagus. I gasped leaning onto the side of the sink, slightly out of breath “Ah well.....that's what you get Riley...”


Today I will keep the demon at bay and have a nice day with Vor, on our days off we didn’t often go out because I was either ill or in a bad mood, so I wanted it to be a good memory. After de-robing I stepped into the shower, which was new and it’s what I imagined a mini waterfall to feel like. It felt great against my skin, I ducked so that I could drench my hair and I tugged at the loose ponytail to release my hair, I smiled as I heard the door click open behind the shower curtain.


“Room for one more ?” I could hear Vor’s pants drop before he entered the shower, immediately he pressed his body against mine pinning me against the cold tiled wall. His lips were on mine in a feverish passion, I pulled back out of shock. Blinking up at him, I took an intake of breath as I took in his beauty for that second I was free from his touch, I loved his eyes, so sharp and unforgiving even at this tender moment they showed that he had a task to complete and that task at this time was to affirm his love for me. I smirked, his hair stuck to his sharp cheekbones and I pushed them out of his face, making the beads of water spread out along his cheeks. My hand settled on the back of his neck, the other lacing with his own fingers but he took both of my hands and held them above my head “I love you, Vor.”


That was it my excitement had once again taken over my logic and I leaned up on my tippy toes to kiss him, snaking my tongue into his mouth, I ran it over his, syncing with his probing tongue and he let go of me to take hold of my hips and I locked my fingers in his hair. I could feel his erection against my stomach, we were so tightly holding each other, I was surprised the thing managed to get up. I was just about loosen my grip on him so I could give him the attention he deserverd but Ring Ring......seriously.....someone is going to come to the door now ? I ignored it for a second but the vagrant persisted “Vor....It may be important...” I smiled apologetically slipping away from his grasp and reached for the towel. He held my hands to my sides and sighed “I will get it.”

“Vor, don’t be stupid you have a raging boner. I can handle a visitor geez...” I escaped the bath tub and was out the door before he could protest “Treating me like a invalid.....I AM COMING GEEZ!”

The constant buzzing of the doorbell was making my eye twitch, I angrily tied the the fabric belt of my kimono as I headed to open the door.


My palms pressed against the hardwood as I leaned in to peep through the spy hole and groaned with frustration “ We don’t want what you’re selling, now please move away from our door!” I called walking away, they said something back and slipped a pamphlet through the letterbox. Vor was leaning against the doorway, he looked slightly pissed but at least he was clean. I chuckled to myself, patting his cheek as I went past him.


Getting dressed was a pain, for one it was 15 degrees outside, which meant I couldn’t wear a hoody unless I wanted to overheat and die and two Vor was constantly giving me puppy dog eyes which made it hard to concentrate. After a while I just picked out some shorts and cardigan combo which seemed pathetic for all the trouble I went through. Once dressed, I joined him in the kitchen, propping my elbows on the counter, I watched him pack drinks and shit “Having a picnic are we ?”

He paused, tilting his head to the side like he was in deep thought “Hmm..Well I wonder, there is food and other things in bags and containers...What do you think honey ?” He laughed softly turning away from me again.

“Well.....Excuse me. I am going to go wait in the car.” I rotated on my heels and skirted around him so I could get to the door.

“Mm...well I thinking that we should just like walk today, since it’s nice out .”


Now was my turn to tilt my head and ponder, my fingers rubbed at my chin waiting for him to say he was joking but he just continued to stare at me. I let out an exasperated, dramatic sigh

“Fine, oh my gosh.”  Walking was not the problem, it was the life draining sunshine that was the problem, I wish it was still acceptable to walk around with parasols.


Squinting, my hand raised above my head, fingers spread apart and I smiled, I liked the way the sun looked when it was filtered through small spaces. Vor had found the perfect spot to chill, after spending forever trying to find a quiet spot away from all the other chatty couples, we finally landed on a small patch of daisies and dandelions, the grass was quite unkempt but I layered my cardigan, the blanket Vor brang and Vor’s thin jacket to make a comfortable place for me to sit. He joked that I was an over-privileged diva and that he should start revoking some of my luxuries.

“Where do you think we would be now if we didn’t have each other ?” I turned to my side to face him so that I had rest my head in my hand.

“Well I don’t think about stuff like that and neither should you.”

I sighed, reaching into my pocket to apply chapstick to my sore lips but of course I had forgotten it so instead I wet them with some water in hope to relieve the pain a little but it didn’t do much. My mouth opened to complain but I remembered that this was Vor’s day.

“Voronwë Fords...you know I love you right.”

“Riley Sunderson....You told me this, this morning.” I felt him lay down beside me and I instinctively held his hand, linking our fingers “I love you too.”  At times like these I could imagine a song playing in the background, soft like a lullaby. Like a mind reader, Vor started humming and I curled up against him, laying my arm and leg over him. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone as much I loved him right then.


My eyes fluttered open, it took me a second to process where I was. I felt around for Vor before realising I was laying ontop of him, taking note of the darkness I figured we had fallen asleep “Oh shi...” I jumped up to search our belongings, even though this was Kensington, it was still London and you could never be too careful in London “Vor...wake up darling, we have to go.” I screwed open almost empty water bottle and flicked the contents at him to which he just turned over making exhaling a small breath. With a sigh I started to pack up our stuff, when I felt my mobile buzz against my thigh, my eyes flicked to Vor then back to the phone, my fingers hesitating over the answer button “It should be okay.......” I slid the tip of my middle finger along the answer strip “Hello ?” The voice that replied was deep and quiet but despite this it was obviously a female due to the soft tone it had “Kaitlin ? Is that you ?” Another mumbled reply, I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed, I didn’t have time for this “K, can you call back like later or tomorrow ?......Unless it’s urgent?” I heard her shuffle around then bring the mic of the phone closer to her mouth “Riley.....can you come pick me up ?” My eyelids squeezed shut, why now...


I managed to get Vor up and gave him all the bags to carry because I was too busy waving my arms around as I shouted at Kaitlin for being stupid, occasionally I would pause to look at Vor apologetically because this was meant to be a special day but now we had to go pick up K “Sorry...” I mouthed to him. Kaitlin was my little sister, well adopted sister. I had no idea why my parents adopted her when they couldn’t even raise the children they did have. Nethertheless I loved her and cared for her no different than if she was a blood relative. She was the only one I still kept in contact with out of my family and to that I was grateful.


The walk back to our apartment was quiet but not awkward more peaceful, we held hands the entire way only breaking apart when some twat refused to go around us. Our eyes kept meeting one another, it reminded me of the first time we met. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, he was simply.....breathtaking. My mouth stretched into a smile as I recalled when I first asked for his contact details, he said “Why do you want my number ?” and I said “Erm....cause we’re friends....right ?” A tug on my arm, caused me to look up, popping me out of the memory.  Vor was standing there, his skin looked luminescent under the light of the street lamp. Sure he was older, had filled into himself and grown like a weed but he was still the same. There was nothing I would have loved more to just take him home and then have an all night fuck session “Vor....no, keep walking Mr.” I carried on walking, dragging him along with me, silently crying inside.

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