Theory of a confused mind

For the past six years, Rebecca has never had to face challanges. Her life with her boyfriend was pure and full of happiness.
After secrets are revieled, rebecca finds herself wondering who she is and why she is so alone, until she meets some people who change her whole perspectve on life.


1. The Long Walk Home

I’ve never been much of a writer. I can think of words and sentences forming in my head, but when trying to be controlled by a pencil, I’m at a loss for words. The hardest part about writing though, is not just for an audience, but for you. It is quite obvious in today’s society that we cannot please everyone. We can surely try, but as many people as I have learnt, not everything goes to plan. The important thing to know though, is that you’ve made it this far, and by god you’ve tried your best. It’s all we humans can do. But the pressure of failing makes some people forget why they are doing something. It is not to try and show the world what you are capable of and expressing your excellence, but to prove to yourself you are capable. That’s why I am finding writing this so hard. I can’t begin to express such emotions onto a piece of paper. But I’ll do my best to try. First of all, this isn’t a love story. It doesn’t have a happily ever after or a hot guy who falls in love with the underdog. Mostly, it’s a story of loss. And by loss, I don’t just mean a death or breakup. It’s more of a loss within yourself, like there’s something missing and no matter how hard you search you can’t find it. You feel as if you don’t belong, shrouded with emptiness that overwhelms you. It takes the things you hold so dear and makes every step as painful as the last. Feelings such as this can be found within any human being. Just because they don’t express it doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there. I myself can be found in small coffee shops waiting for something that might just tell me why I’m here. A morbid concept, yes, but none the less understood. But enough of my blabbering, there’ll be time for that later. Right now, begins my story which strangely enough starts with the ending of a chapter. It was the middle of august, cold winds and frosted glass covered the streets. It was a nice reminder of the bipolar characteristics of weather in Canberra. Never the less, it was a nice time to be living and breathing. The winter wasn’t the most welcoming to everyone, the dull skies did produce a more lethal effect to the attitude of the small community I lived in. less people talked as their numb lips couldn’t part and had to spend time conserving the little energy they had. It was quiet and dull, but I simply adored the winter. My boyfriend Jeremy would stay over for days on end, just for the fact it was ‘far too cold outside to do crap’ as he often put it. I’ve been with Jeremy for six years, and I’ve never grown tired of the lame excuses and untidy mess on top of his head he called hair. Since I could remember I’ve never had to go without him, he has always been the most dependent person I know. If I think about it, I didn’t have many other friends at all. It wasn’t long though until I struck a problem though. “Rebecca, earth to Rebecca!” I blinked my eyes a few times and turned to Jeremy in the driver’s seat. “it’s probably safest if you buckle up” he smirked. I turned to click my seatbelt in and stared quietly out of the window at the passing trees and frustrated neighbours. It felt good to have a heater in the car. “Are you feeling okay babe? You’re really quiet” “Oh yeah, just fine.” “thinking about your birthday tomorrow?” I shrugged “Like any other day really.” “well, that’s why I’m taking you out to get you a great big pressie. And you know, we could even make it a little more special in our own way…” he trailed off and grinned at the road. He knew damn well I wasn’t ready. That was the most agitating thing about him. But I guess I shouldn’t get too worked up at him. After all, it’s been six years and not once had I had sex with him (or anyone for that matter) But maybe, just maybe I was ready. I smiled down at the fast food containers and knickknacks sprawled on the car floor next to my feet, and smiled. “Jeremy…” I paused and slowly looked up at him. “i… well, I think im, uhh, ready.” I blushed He spun his head almost instantly and smiled brightly at me. “Are you… honestly? You honestly want to…” “I really think I am. I love you Jeremy, a lot” He kissed me on the cheek, leaving the rest of the drive to be full of laughter and loud singing. That was, until a sudden noise changed everything. “Oh, that’s my phone babe, just ignore it.” He stared at his phone. “I can get it, don’t worry” I said through laughter I picked up the phone and spoke, with Jeremy’s disapproving face looking worriedly at the road “Hello sexy, haven’t spoken in a while babe. I miss you, and your body, we still on for tonight?” I completely froze. To fast forward through a half an hour of sitting silently in a car, I opened the door and walked away. There was nothing else to say or do, so I left. The cold air greeted me with its icy touch, leaving every detail of my bare skin numb to the bone. It wasn’t until this moment of absolute silence I realised what was wrong with me. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t cry a single tear. It bothered me that I could care so little about one of the biggest moments I’ve experienced since my mum died. It’s like I was unable to feel any sort of emotion. There was no anger, no sadness, frustration. There was nothing but the cold emptiness that surrounded the air. For the first time in 6 years, I truly felt alone.
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