Wanting What's Wrong

Two years have passed since Sophie Miller escaped. Two years since she was One DIrections private possession. Trying to get her life back to normal, Sophie heads to Mullingar. The boys of One Direction find her and drag her back into their messed up lives. Feelings start showing here and there, making Sophie confused. Is it really okay to start having feelings towards your kidnappers? Afterall, there is a very thin line between love and hate...


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38. Talking

People move out of my way as I dash through different corridors, hoping I wouldn’t come face to face with Louis, Liam or Zayn. Harry wasn’t a problem, he was out getting some food, and Niall was on a hospital bed. Probably being eaten by guilt. But the doctors will take care of him.

Brusquely, I’m forcefully dragged out of my train of thought as I feel hands wrapping themselves around my waist, making me squeal in surprise. I faintly smell the familiar cologne of one the boys and goose bumps rise along my skin. Liam.

“Let go of me!” I shout, trying to get as much attention as possible. Maybe someone’ll help me.

“Where are you going in such a mood?” he questions, pulling me to a halt. I fight against his grip, desperately wanting to get away from him. The older boys say a couple sorrys to the people around, towing me to a more secluded part of the hallway.

“Let go of me Liam!” I grumble angrily, struggling against his iron grip.

“Not until you answer my question. Sophie, where are you going?” He responds, immobilizing my upper body.

“Away from here apparently!” I bring my foot down hard on his, and elbow him in the stomach with my cast. Taken by surprise, he lets go of me and I break into a run, dodging people on the way. At least the cast has a purpose. Oww though! My poor arm. Geese that stupid cast isn’t doing its job of protecting my arm right. Holding back a whimper from the throbbing pain of my wrist, I sprint down the hall, and outside the hospital doors. I bump into someone.  The person curses, dropping whatever he had in his hands on the ground but I keep going forwards and into the hospital’s parking lot, not bearing the thought of being caught by Liam. I slightly hear liquid dripping.

“Sophie? Sophie! Come back here!” A deep voice echoes, irritation lacing his words. It’s the guy I smashed into... Wait, how does he know my name? I turn my head around for mere seconds. I spin it back around when I realize who the person was. Harry. Shit. Fuck. I’m dead. God if you’re up there, help me. C’mon Soph you escaped two years ago, you can do it again?

Unfortunately, my cardio starts failing me. No no no! In a matter of seconds, my sprinting is reduced to a pitiful jog.

“Got ya.” Harry mumbles in my ear, hugging me to him.

I move violently, making his fingers dig into my skin. I whine.

“Stop moving Soph. Calm down.” He commands lowly.

Stubbornly, I continue thrashing about in vain. “Harry let me go!” I try hitting him with my cast, but fail miserably. He grabs it, making me whimper in pain. Sucking it up, I try shoving him away once more.

“Keep doing that, you’ll only tire yourself more Soph.” The curly-haired boy taunts in my ear.

I scream out in rage. “Fuck you Harry Styles! I fucking hate you! You make me miserable you son of a bitch! Fucking dick let go of me!” I shout at the top of my lungs, still fighting back.

“You done yet sweet cheeks? Surrender?” His comment angers me even more.

“I fucking hate you Styles! You prick! Let go of me!” I yell, stomping my feet, flaying wildly in his arms.

“Apparently not...”

“Let go of me Harry! You fucking jerk! Let go! I want to go home! I want to have a home! Harry fucking Styles get your hands off me!” I continue, on a sadder note as I tire myself both emotionally and physically. My voice is hoarse from all the screaming. “Harry please... Just please let me go. Please. ” I end up begging.  He relaxes his grip before totally letting go of me, placing his hands in his pockets.

“All I wanted was a please... Now, are you calmed down?” He enquires, cocking his eyebrow up.

 I nod up and down slowly. He’s way too calm... This can’t be good.

“Good. Now you and I, need to talk. Very seriously.” He finishes, offering me his hand. I don’t take it.

“Harry please don’t hurt me.” I plea instead.

He shakes his head. “Like I said, you and I are gonna talk.” He repeats, emphasizing on the talking part. “We have to go get Niall some lunch since you made me drop it,” He points the spot near the hospital doors, where a brown bag and its contents were strewn messily on the ground. “We’ll talk on the way and back if you need to.” Harry says simply.  “Plus we’ll walk. This will give you even more time to cool down.”

“I’m very cool thank you.” I spit.

“Hmm. I think I could cook eggs on your skin love.”

“Not funny.”

“Wasn’t trying to.” The green-eyed boy shrugs. “So, you comin’?” He asks, handing out his hand once more.

I start going beside him but he stops me.

“Ah ah ah, you have to take my hand though,” he chastises. I hiccup in protest, crossing my arms around my chest in disdain. “Stop being childish Sophie... It’s not like I’m going to kill you. We’re. Only. Going. To. Talk. ” Harry says seriously, separating his words carefully as he brings his hand closer to mine.

I look over his shoulder and I see Liam’s head popping out of the hospital doors. He doesn’t look happy as he stands with his arms crossed at the door. I gulp.

Not wanting to face Liam, I take Harry’s hand, half expecting him to pull me harshly closer to him. But he doesn’t. He just takes it like a normal human being and we start walking, hand in hand. I’m flabbergasted.

“So Sophie...” Harry starts once we’re out of the hospital’s parking lot and walking on the sidewalk. “Are you gonna tell me what was the reason behind that little stunt you pulled barely a few minutes ago?”

“No so fuck off.”

“Sophie I’m acting civilized right now, you should too.” He advises, voice suggesting he wouldn’t tolerate me so calmly for long. “So, the reason is?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I grumble.

“See that’s your problem. When we try to let you in, you lock yourself out but when we do shut the door, you’re practically begging to be accepted inside.”

“That’s just too metaphorical for me Harry. You sound like Zayn.”

“Let me put it this way then,” he proposes casually. “When we’re nice and open with you, you want absolutely nothing to do with us, but when we don’t want to care for you, it’s the becomes moment where you want the most attention. Now do you understand what I mean?”

“Okay I get it! I know I’m not perfect!” I huff.

“You don’t have to be...Look Sophie all I want is for you to stop being so conflicted about your feelings. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? You don’t want to be nice with us when were nice with you, because you think it’d be like if you’ve given up on fighting. You’d feel guilty because it’s simply immoral. But when we don’t want to be with you, when we’re more uncaring, it’s suddenly okay to want to be with us because the feeling isn’t returned.” He explains. “You’re scared.” Harry realises, looking right into my eyes. “Why are you scared to want to be with us?”

“Because it’s not normal for me to feel something apart from hate towards five guys who used me! Who abused me!” I almost shout, trying to wriggle my hand out of his.

“Shhh... Quiet down.” He squeezes my hand more tightly, sending a couple glares to some curious pedestrians. He then sets his gaze on me. “Why can’t you let this part of your past go? It happened, you can’t change the past, and you can’t stay fearful of the future forever either. You’re making yourself miserable by dreading your future.”

“It’s not something I can simply let go! I’ll be scarred forever Harry, no matter how nice you boys become, no matter how many gifts you give. I bet you have things that’ve scarred you too. Some things that just keep coming back to your mind at the view of a particular object or person or maybe even at the mention of a name, at the hearing of a song.” I say sadly.

He looks up at the sky, deep in thought.

“The thing is Soph, at one point we need to move on.” Harry sighs finally. “I know, you’ll still be wounded internally, but if you keep focusing on the details that bring you down.... Your life will be so wretched. Look if it can make you feel any better...I won’t ever―” he stops talking and looks around. “Ugh there are paps all around. Damn why did they even find us at the hospital? Fuckers don’t understand we need some kind of privacy.” He curses, walking a faster pace, bringing me closer to him at the same time. “Hope you don’t mind us being on the cover of a magazine tomorrow morning.” He grumbles, pissed. I rapidly steal glance around and indeed, some men with big cameras we’re strewn here and there, snapping shots.

“Well I’ve been through worst then being on a cover page.” I huff.

“True.” He acknowledges, before towing me into a café a little farther down the road. It resembled to a Tim Hortons, but in a more retro version.

Once Harry is positive the area is free of paparazzi, he continues talking. “The thing is, will you survive the hate? Our fans are lethal when it comes to us hanging out with another girl... And worst, we’ve probably been pictured holding hands so that means double the hate.”

“I don’t have a twitter, or a Facebook anymore and I’ve been adopt―, no bought,” I correct myself before pursuing, “By you guys, which signifies that the hate would be sent by mail, meaning to your house, and that is if they find it... I think I’ll be okay.”

“Aww you said adopted. Improvement right there.” Harry smiles, heading over to the counter of the café in order to order food.

“Wrong Harry. I said bought.” I say, just as the cashier asks him what he’d like.

“I’ll take eight salad and chicken wraps, a box of 50 donut holes and six iced lemonades”

He places his order and leans on the counter before replying.

“No don’t deny it Sophie. I heard you. You were going to say adopted, but you stopped yourself.”

“Sir? That’ll be thirty-three and sixty nine cents.”

“That’s what I mean when I say that you’re scared to want to be with us. Sophie let’s face it: The idea of being adopted is certainly more appealing than being bought, no? So why won’t you see it the more positive way?” He enquires, paying no attention to the cashier behind him as he pulls his wallet out and hands him a fifty dollar bill, keeping his penetrating eyes locked on mine.

“I uh... I think it’s uh...”

“See, you don’t even know.”

“Well what if the adopters are mean, horrible, and abusive? That’d make both choices not worth considering.” I offer as the cashier starts, little by little, putting Harry’s order next to him.

“Again with the negative thoughts Soph.” Harry scolds, shaking his head as two brown bags and six drinks appear beside him. “What if they could be sweet, every now and then? No bond is perfect, whether it’s with a parent, a friend, a boyfriend... People are people. People aren’t perfect.” He says simply, picking up a brown bag from the counter in one hand and the platter holding four drinks in another. “God I sounded like Zayn,” He chuckles. Harry pauses, looking between his filled hands and the rest of the food on the counter. “Can I trust you not to run, and bring the other bag and drinks while walking beside me?” He questions. “I think you know that if you try something, consequences won’t be pleasant?”

“You do know I have a cast right?” I ask him, practically shoving the pink and black thing in his face.

“Are you gonna hit me with it?” he frowns. I giggle, laughing at his suggestion.

“No silly, but it’s a good idea...” I trail on but stop when I see his serious face. “No I hit Liam earlier and I’m pretty sure it hurt me more than it hurt him. Really Harry what I meant to say is only one of my arms is free.”

“I’m pretty sure you can make the bag hold in between your cast and your body Sophie,” He shakes his head. “Wait you hit Liam?” He realises.

“Yeah I’ll manage the food.” I respond quickly, taking the brown bag in between my arm and body like Harry suggested, and the drinks in the other. I walk outside, feeling him close on my heels. “Why did you even order all this food? Eight wraps? We’re six.” I point out once we’re out of the café. I was struggling to stop the bag from slipping in between my cast and body and I was hoping Harry would forget about the fact I hit one of his band mates.

“Well I figured Niall would eat another one, because he’s Niall I think he’ll wanna eat his feelings after what you put him through when you left, especially since his emotions have difficulty acting normally.”

“Okay but that still leaves another wrap...” I counter.

“For you I guess... you eat an awful lot for a girl your size. And yes, before you say something negative again, your size is perfect. Your welcome.”

“I wasn’t gonna say anything.”

“Really?”

“Okay yes, I would’ve made a comment. Happy?”

“Well at least you admit it.” He shrugs.

We walk in silence for a few other minutes, until Harry decides to talk again.

“Soph did we ever tell you how you got sold to us? And why we chose you, over all the possible other girls?”

“No but I’m pretty sure my mom was drunk, the usual, when she sold me, and I looked like a good fuck so you jumped on the occasion to have your little plaything.”

“No Sophie.”

I look at him pointedly, sceptical.

“Okay yes partly.” He confesses. “But it wasn’t all about the sex.”

I keep looking at him sharply, still unconvinced. He finally gives up.

“Okay okay fine! At first that’s what it was: sex, with no strings attached. But Sophie things changed for me somewhere along the way. And that was even before we brought you to London. Something clicked inside my mind when I looked into your eyes that first night when Louis, Niall and I took care of your virginity. I saw a fierce desire for survival. You had a strong plan set in mind, a vicious determination, and you didn’t care what you had to do to get free, whether it was to give in, or not.  I don’t know why it affected me so much, but it did. You fascinated me.” Harry explains as we get closer to the hospital. “But anyhow I became possessive very rapidly, letting the boys know that you we’re mostly mine. Louis protested the most, saying I already had a girlfriend. Which was true basically.”

“Yeah I remember her... She broke up with you for another guy and then you took it all out on me.” I say bitterly as we enter the hospital.

“Well it was either that or... never mind.” Harry shakes his head, making his curls bounce.

“Harry there’s something I don’t understand...If I fascinated you that much... Why did you punish me so often then? Showed no remorse whatsoever?”

“I had no other way to make you understand that that I didn’t want you to leave. No other way to make you realise I wanted you to stay with us. And I didn’t want you to think I cared, because you would’ve thought my way of caring was just fucked up. I didn’t want to scare you.”

“Well I’m telling you now, you scared me even more cause I didn’t know you were a human being until the last day or two, when you showed an ounce of feelings towards me after Zayn raped me.”

“I had other nice moments too,” he protests. I open my mouth but he beats me to it. “Don’t deny what I just said. You don’t know half of what I’ve done Sophie.” The green eyed boy informs very firmly. “You know very little in fact.”

I bite my lip, swallowing back my comment.

“For example, you remember that night when you escaped? Slipped oh so easily out of my fingers? Maybe too easily?”

“How can I forget the best night of my life?” I huff as we get nearer to Niall’s room.

“Sophie that night I got drunk on purpose. I wanted to see if you’d take advantage of the situation. And you did.”

Whoa what? So in the end, both Zayn and Harry had a doing in my escape two-years ago? So you’re telling me I won’t be able to do it again, alone? Isn’t that so fucking great? Yeah not really. Or maybe Harry is making that up....

 “Why’d you come and get me again then? If you got weak and disoriented on purpose, why keep searching for me for the last two years?”

“Frustration I guess. To prove to you you’ll never be able to be completely free of us. That I was always capable of finding you.”

“Wow. I swear you are so bi-polar or something Harry... It doesn’t even make sense.”

“You don’t understand... It’s like I need you to be around to be complete. I wanted to make you feel the same thing about me so when we took a hold of you once more, I tried to get the lust you felt for me back and I pleaded the boys not to be nice with you to give me a chance to modify your lust into more. Into deeper feelings.”

That does ring a bell... Niall telling me all about it the first night. He had asked me to forgive him if ever he was mean and heartless because Harry had asked him to be. That first night he told me he was against Harry because he had feelings for me. I never even responded to his declaration. I put him through so much...He doesn’t deserve to be left in the dark like that.

“Well that plan failed quickly.” I say finally.

“Because Niall didn’t like it and neither did Zayn for the peculiar reason that is named Perrie. They didn’t like it because the way I was treating you wasn’t what you deserved. Louis caught on quickly, and Liam also but me ... It’s only recently I’ve realised how right he is. All the time I spent alone in my room a couple days ago, shut from the world... I spent it on questioning myself. Putting myself, my actions, into interrogation. I hated it. I still do in fact, because it’s so much harder to be happy, but I think it’s worth it once in a while. Are you happier around me than you were let’s say, three weeks ago?” Harry questions.

“Well for one thing, I do feel a lot more comfortable. But you’re still Harry. And Zayn is still Zayn. And Niall is still Niall, just like Liam is still Liam and Louis is still Louis.”

“And what’s that’s supposed to mean?” he enquires as we stop in front of Niall’s door. As if on cue, Louis gets out of Niall’s room, looking calmer than he did when he left me an hour ago. His eyes light up when he sees that Harry and I are carrying food.

“Bloody hell Harry it took you awhile. Niall said you left about thirty minutes ago and then Liam said that Miss Sophie here”, The Doncaster boy pauses to look at me sternly before continuing, “Had run off and then I realised I was hungry and I couldn’t eat because the damn hospital food is just gross. Mate you almost killed me. And Niall. He’s also on the verge of death by guilt and starvation by the way.” Louis pokes me accusingly.

 I stay silent but thoughts are going wild in my head. Not my fault...Yes okay. Poor Niall the things I put him through...I shouldn’t feel responsible for his state though after all he said to me... Gahh Niall what are you doing to me?!

“You have the gift of exaggerating things Louis,” Harry shakes his head, handing him the food. He takes it all eagerly, but leaves some for Niall which consisted of the contents I was holding.

“Well it certainly makes life more exciting when everything is exaggerated no?” The older boy shrugs. “Normal is dull.” He continues, standing beside me as Harry’s phone rings. He answers.

“Hullo?”

“Well you certainly look happier than this morning.” I mutter under my breath to Louis as Harry starts talking exasperatedly to the device.

“Not because of you as you can see. Did you inform Harold on the subject of our earlier little tussle?” Louis responds just as quiet.

“No.”

“Tick tock.” He whispers as Harry ends his call. “I’m bringing this to the other two boys,” Louis informs before leaving. I huff angrily as I watch him go, clutching the bag of food tightly in between my fingers. I turn to Harry.

“So who was on the phone?”

“Paul, our very annoyed bodyguard. He must’ve heard about our little unmentioned escapade to a hospital in Ireland”

“And?”

“Eh I don’t know the rest I hung up on him.” He shrugs. “I’ll have the same sermon from his real-life version anyways. So back to what we were saying before Louis interrupted us on the verge of starvation...” He rolls his eyes, “What did you mean when you said I was still Harry?” The curly-haired boy asks, leaning on the wall beside us.

“Never mind that. Talking about starvation, I’m gonna go bring this to Niall,” I motion the bag of food in my good hand but he stops me.

“Not before you answer me.”

“You don’t want to let it go?” I whine.

“No.”

“Fine. You have this strange atmosphere around you... I feel like I’m your obsession, one of your possessions or something and it’s not always pleasant.” I give in.

“Not always?” He quirks his eyebrow. “Soph what are you not telling me?”

“It uh... It can be in some cases uh... a...”

“I’m listening...” He leans in closer to me to support his point.

“Okay in some weird cases it can maybe be a turn-on. I said it fine, okay, whatever. Every girl likes to feel wanted in some way and the way you guys, you particularly, make me feel when were close and all well it’s almost overwhelming and yeah.” I word-vomit, pushing him away lightly in embarrassment. Why did you even tell him that? Now he knows you have a strange fetish, and he’ll take advantage of you.

“A turn-on? You like being roughened?” He exclaims, clapping. He has a gleeful expression on his face.

“Shhh. That’s not exactly what I meant; you assumed that all by yourself.”

“But I’m right, am I not?” He smirks.

“Let’s not have this conversation here and now okay?” I say between clenched teeth, already regretting my words. It’s crazy what that boy can get out of me without effort. “But I like it most because I get to hurt you too.” I add, trying to take back what had poured out of my mouth. “Best part is hurting you.”

“Hair pulling, nail scratches, useless shoves and struggling? That’s what you call hurting?” He chuckles.

“Would you rather I hit you where the sun doesn’t shine with my cast?” I menace lowly.

“Sophie don’t threaten me,” Harry’s voice brusquely loses its previous playful edge.

“Well don’t provoke me.” I snarl back.

“You brought this upon yourself when you confided about your fetish.”

“You mean you can’t control yourself hmm?” I snap. “That’s ridiculous!”

Suddenly, he presses me against the wall, knocking the breath out of me as I tightly clutch the brown bag in my hand. Our noses touching and our breathing mingling, Harry tosses a strand of hair out of my face before placing his hand under my chin. His thumb slides slowly across my lip as my eyes are locked on his.

“It’s not ridiculous. I can’t always control what you do to me.” He mumbles, eyes serious. “Take note that I can do many painful things if your will to be defiant increases. Consider this as your first and last warning.” He informs.

“My warning?” I scoff, “You’re threatening me Styles? You won’t hurt me.” I chuckle.

“Don’t be so sure, harm comes in many different forms.” He says calmly.

“But I am sure, because you’re over harming me. You’re way past hurting me because you want to be nice with me in order to have me want you. Ha. In your face Styles. It hurts to be powerless over somebody doesn’t it? Welcome to my world.

“Soph I―”

“Don’t deny it, you told me that a minute ago. You want me to want you. You won’t harm me, Harold, especially not in a hospital.” I retort proudly, everything part of me daring him to try something.

His grip tightens slightly, but the action doesn’t intimidate me at all.

“You know you were talking about me controlling myself? Well I think it’d be best for you,” He starts slowly, “To learn to control what comes out of that pretty mouth of yours.” He smiles falsely, before stealing a quick but harsh kiss. Our lips are only in contact for a mere second, but it feels much longer from the inside.  Something tears up in my heart.

Harry breaks the kiss, but stays close, voice raspy as he talked.

“I can break you again Soph, one step at a time.”

“You’d lose me forever if you did that,” I whisper, losing all my previous confidence in the blink of an eye. More like the length of a kiss.

He leans in and murmurs directly into my ear.

“I don’t think I would...I have ways to get you to want me, and your declared fetish is a brand new an asset for me. You like it rough, I’m gonna give it to you rough. Really Sophie in the end, you’ll be the one in charge of your own fate. And no matter how much you fight it, you have strong feelings for me.”

“Yes I hate you.” I snap.

“There’s a fine line between love and hate sugar lips.” Harry replies cockily. He pulls back and winks, bites his lip and then leaves, following Louis’s earlier steps.

I’m frozen in shock, eyes wide as I try reprocessing what had just happened. Okay so Harry kissed me, and threatened me. Big deal. He’s done it before, nothing new. But the way he just did it… I shiver. It’s as if the old Harry is just below the surface, prying the new Harry to give him his place back. I gulp. Please God don’t let this happen. I pushed him to far…And he’s right no matter how he’ll hurt me, I’ll always end up forgiving him because I pity him or something. I feel for my kidnapper...Ugh I’m so tense for nothing right now. Damn it’s been a long emotional day. I wanna sleep. I rub my eyes, on the verge of an emotional meltdown. Sighing, I blink a couple times before gazing down at my hands. A brown bag… why do I have that again? I frown, taking a look around. Hospital? Oh right Niall.

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